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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal - new 'boyfriend'

179 replies

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:09

Right. If you started dating someone and after around 1-2 months and them being in your house 4-5 times, they hadn't offered any help with cooking or cleaning, would that be normal, as you are the host and you are not a couple yet?
Also, please imagine a situation that you have a little issue with your car. You asked a friend for help but he cannot sort it out. It's hard to find a garage open or able to accommodate you at a short notice due to covid. So, as a result, you have no car to get to work until it's sorted and you find a garage. A man you have been dating knows about the situation, he expresses that 'yes, I know it's a pain' and you got to 'keep looking for a garage, that's all you can do'. He has 3 days off work now and hasn't offered any help or even looking at your car (despite being a lorry driver in the past, so I take he knows something about cars etc).
Is this normal?
Am I expevting too much thinking he should have offered help with cooking, cleaning and at least trying to look at the car? I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

blue30 · 07/11/2020 10:15

Being cooked for 4-5 times without offering to help seems rude and like he’s from 50 years ago. Unless he does other things that in his mind make up for it but you’re not really aware of

Original poster

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 10:15

OK so why I showred after dinner and so on:
We went for a day out in my car, to a town 1hr away, which we both like and to an expensive pub which he likes and he insistet going to. I haven't been there so I didn't mind. We were to have lunch only but ended up having full meal, him with dessert and lots of alcohol.
We paid each for what we ordered and I thought at least we will not have to rush back for dinner or can have just a light meal in thr eve.
But by the time we were back, around 6pm, he was already 'starving' and kept going on about what we eat for dinner. So I cooked dinner first and then went to shower later as it rained a lot and we went for a long walk, so I needed to freshen up.
Tbf I felt stuffed after eating this 1st 'lunch' and then a bit of the dinner I cooked, he is always hungry.
Next morning he was going on about breakfast, I was not even hungry yet but said OK let's make breakfast then/should we start making breakfast. Again, he said yes and just sat there and waited.
When I was dressing I asked: are we gonna have a cup of tea or coffee first? He said yeah and again, no tiniest move from the sofa. I was fully dressed and ready for the day, he came downstairs in his pants, left bed a mess, hasn't brushed his teeth. Only got dressed while I was cooking full English, and he hasn't even asked if to help lay the table or so.
Yes, I could have asked for help. But I just wanted to see his natural behaviour which I saw and this is very off putting for me.
I would have always asked, as a guest, if someone needs a hand or at least left the bed I slept in tidy.

OP posts:

Aparttogether · 07/11/2020 10:23

Sorry much of this is on you. No way would I be cooking a meal for a bloke after having been out for a big lunch and then cooking him a full English in the morning when you didn’t even want it yourself. He can have a bowl of cereal and then get his own food when he goes home.

Aparttogether · 07/11/2020 10:24

If you don’t want to to it, don’t do it!

I don’t think it’s fair to do all this cooking and then resent it.

Original poster

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 10:31

Like I said, I was married for many years and then dated a bit, and everyone has been always doing at least something.
I do not have much experience in a relationship developing, as my ex-husband was my only long term relationship. We were young and deeply in love, we did a lot together and first 2-3 years things were really equal and even him trying more to do stuff for me.
Other 2-3 men I dated for longer were for less than 1 year and never became really settled. One guy came back to his ex, one wasn't feeling it, one lived too far.
I am trying to listen to my instincts and do common sense stuff but sometimes I have no idea what I am doing.

OP posts:

PoulePouletteEternellement · 07/11/2020 10:31

OK so why I showred after dinner and so on:

Oh, OP ... Can you not stop looking for affirmation? Why in God's name do you feel the need to respond to some pointless query about your personal hygiene routine in your own home? You don't have to! Several detailed paragraphs to justify and explain your dissatisfaction with this man, and how your showering comes into it?

You are an adult. You are allowed to choose how you run your life. You do not need the approval of any Nosy Parker on any Internet forum. Seriously, you'll feel better once you build some confidence in your own judgement.

Sssloou · 07/11/2020 10:40

What action are YOU going to take now?

BertiesLanding · 07/11/2020 11:02

Yes, OP, I think delving deeper in therapy is really the only way out of this - and I think you know it too.

You are choosing men who haven't grown up yet and who want a mother. Which means, in some way, you haven't fully grown up either, and are perhaps wanting someone to rescue you from yourself.

It's so much easier to try another relationship than it is to face yourself and unpick everything, isn't it? But, as you can see, it isn't working. Maybe you'll choose the harder route now, which is ultimately far more rewarding even if it's tough going at times.

Eckhart · 07/11/2020 11:05

If you don't leave him immediately, and he says he's hungry and what's for dinner, say 2 words: 'Your turn!'

You'll see what he's made of, if you haven't already.

Whatisthisfuckery · 07/11/2020 11:05

I think the car thing is a red herring. I think what’s bugging you here OP is the lack of reciprocation. That would annoy me too. Also if I went to somebody’s house for dinner or drinks I’d take something with me, a bottle of wine, snacks etc. I’d consider it poor manners not to take anything, and I think I’d feel like it was poor manners for someone else to not bring anything to mine. I’d offer to help with the washing up etc although I wouldn’t expect someone to offer at mine, not for the first few times at least, but if they just left rubbish around I’d be rather put out. It’s not exactly difficult to bring glasses into the kitchen and put rubbish in the bin.

This guy doesn’t really sound like a good match for you OP. He sounds lazy. As other PPs have said, the start of a relationship is when you’re falling over yourself to be perfect and show your best side. If this is his best side then that’s not a great advert.

Doublevodka · 07/11/2020 11:12

OP, you sound lovely but I think you are a total people pleaser. He is a lazy shit, in every way, and he is taking advantage of your good nature. If he is like this now, just think what he will be like in a few years. You already know everything that's not right with this relationship, you just really need to listen to your instincts and go with them. Don't settle for him. Because that's what you would be doing and it really will make you miserable in the long term. You deserve so much better.

RantyAnty · 07/11/2020 11:27

It's only been 2 weeks since you broke up with him the first time!
Why are you still seeing him?

The relationship with him can be summed up like this:

You give. He takes.

He eats like a hog at yours which he doesn't contribute to any of it.
He doesn't buy any food, cook any of it, or even clean up after himself.

You went out to eat at an expensive place(naturally) that he likes. You went in your car and used your petrol for the hour drive to get there.
He couldn't even treat you, but you had to pay for your food.

This guy is a user. Nobody on the other thread or this thread sees any good quality about him at all. Not one.

So again, why did you take him back? Why are you still with him?

ThatsMeChickenArm · 07/11/2020 11:31

He sounds like a lazy arse to me OP

PumpkinsPatch · 07/11/2020 11:33

I don't think you're being petty.

If I have a drink at someone's house I always take the empty cup/glass to the kitchen.

Sounds a lazy sod.

But that being said don't LTB without discussing it and giving him a chance to not act like that.

PumpkinsPatch · 07/11/2020 11:36

Ok have RTFT - LTB

widespreadpanic · 07/11/2020 11:46

I dated a guy just like this who is unfortunately also my daughters father. He Wouldn’t even offer to clean up after eating at my house. And stupidly I got pregnant by him and even then he woohoo just watch as I was doing cleaning with chemicals, wouldn’t help bring in groceries or large packages.

He was self centered and he didn’t really like me (nor I him) and was never much of a generous or kind person in the first place. Luckily we are no longer together as I knew if he treated me that way in the beginning, and especially while pregnant, he wouldn’t get any better.

ThatsMeChickenArm · 07/11/2020 11:48

I had an ex a bit like this. I moved in with him and worked a good 20 miles away. He was loaded whereas I was on a relatively low wage. The exhaust pipe fell off my car and I couldn't afford a new one until I got paid. I had spent a fortune on his two kids the previous month but this clearly hadn't registered. I expected him to at least offer to loan me the money. I had a colleague coming from the flat above my job to collect me and drop me off every day and this still didn't provoke him into offering to help.

This and a host of other low grade but similar things made me leave in the end. I don't think I was unreasonable to expect him to help him out. I was a constant unpaid babysitter and house keeper for him but as soon as I needed something he was silent. It made me feel like we weren't a team and it all got eroded away.

This sort of shit is subtle. I didn't bother to try and explain as he was a twister. Low grade stuff like this is hard to explain to others but it's horrible. Get rid. He's a lazy prick that wants you to be his Mum.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 07/11/2020 11:58

I'd also add that some men and women need to be asked to help. It doesn't enter their head till you ask them.

Standrewsschool · 07/11/2020 11:59

Just read your updates.

Sorry, he is not a keeper. If he’s staying overnight, then he should offer to help and clear up.

Hope he has a good body if he came down only in his pants!

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 07/11/2020 12:00

I didn't read your previous threads but from people comments it looks like he is quite selfish. Perhaps it's best to find someone more considerate.

SoulofanAggron · 07/11/2020 12:02

I wouldn't expect anyone who I'd only been seeing a month or two to help with my housework of my home, not his. That is for if someone lives with you (or have you moved him in already, which I hope you haven't.)

Or do you partly mean if you cook he could do the washing up (that'd be reasonable, or at least he could offer.) Why do you think he should help with your cleaning? Unless you're ill or something.

If he might've been able to help with the car he should've had a go.

TheTangoTerrorIsTerrifying · 07/11/2020 12:03

Bin him OP.
He is a lazy arse.
He has already shown his true colours.
Know your worth.
You will find the right man, don’t accept a waster like this in your life.

MaryBear · 07/11/2020 12:12

Just put him in the bin and move on.

SoulofanAggron · 07/11/2020 12:12

If, as PP's say, there are other issues, bin him.

If he was the one asking/nagging for a meal then he should've been the one to cook it.

damnthatanxiety · 07/11/2020 12:21

Looking at your previous thread - he doesn't pay for his child and for some reason his sister takes care of her. He eats crap and is overweight. He is a selfish and rubbish lover. He never compliments you. He treats you like a servant. What in God's name is making you entertain the idea of being with him? FFS, move on

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