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Original poster

Is this normal - new 'boyfriend'

179 replies

whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:09

Right. If you started dating someone and after around 1-2 months and them being in your house 4-5 times, they hadn't offered any help with cooking or cleaning, would that be normal, as you are the host and you are not a couple yet?
Also, please imagine a situation that you have a little issue with your car. You asked a friend for help but he cannot sort it out. It's hard to find a garage open or able to accommodate you at a short notice due to covid. So, as a result, you have no car to get to work until it's sorted and you find a garage. A man you have been dating knows about the situation, he expresses that 'yes, I know it's a pain' and you got to 'keep looking for a garage, that's all you can do'. He has 3 days off work now and hasn't offered any help or even looking at your car (despite being a lorry driver in the past, so I take he knows something about cars etc).
Is this normal?
Am I expevting too much thinking he should have offered help with cooking, cleaning and at least trying to look at the car? I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
MacbookHo · 07/11/2020 07:36

My first DH was like this. It never got better. My second DH was the opposite of this right from the very start and his kind helpfulness is what I most love about him now, 10 years on.

So it’s your choice. Do you want a man who doesn’t help?

FippertyGibbett · 07/11/2020 07:36

No, walk away. He’s lazy and it will only get worse.

Gotthetshirt23 · 07/11/2020 07:38

Is his house tidy ? Do you help when you are there ?

Notarealmum · 07/11/2020 07:39

Maybe ask him to help with these things and see what response you get? (Not saying you should need to ask, mind you....)

Darker · 07/11/2020 07:40

Maybe he thinks you went to have a shower after dinner in preparation for sex and was just enjoying the evening and didn’t think about the dishes?

People have different expectations and it’s early days. Some people hate anyone else meddling in the kitchen. Some people prefer to down tools once they’ve eaten and to clear up in the morning. He isn’t a mind reader. If it matters to you to wake up to a tidy house then say so, in a nice way. You could suggest you do the dishes together and make sure he knows where things live. Ask him if he fancies cooking.

SocialBees · 07/11/2020 07:44

I agree with most other posters - YABU about the car, YANBU about helping to clear up.

overnightangel · 07/11/2020 07:46

My brother drives a van 8+ hours a day.. he does basic checks on it but he’s untrained and unskilled at any sort of maintenance any more than you would have with your own car (screenwash, Tyre pressure, oil check etc). Absolutely nothing mechanical. You’re being presumptuous.
As regards having a date over and making dinner and expecting him to do the washing up while your shower , YABU!

You sound like you want a lifestyle assistant , not a boyfriend!

MLMbotsgoaway · 07/11/2020 07:47

@whoknew1 with the car - you could probably post on this thread explaining the issue and people will come back saying “oh it’s probably x”. It doesn’t mean that they would know how to identify x or can get under a car and look at it.

With the washing up etc - just lightly mention it “I’ll wash and you dry” or something like that.

Original poster
whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 07:47

I haven't been to his house. He just assumes we will end up at mine. He lives in a houseshare but now in lockdown he will be there on his own and hasn't invited me over. I mentioned that I can come to his and he sort of said yeah not a problem but then hasn't really made the offer.
As for feeling too comfortable in someones house, yes, it already feels like 3rd year of marriage in a way and he behaves not like a guest but someone settled at mine.
I was married and had a short time bfs after. All of them, at this stage of dating and being at mine, offered help with cleaning after cooking which I would politely refuse as a good host, but it was nice to see them wanting to help. My most recent ex would always was cups or glasses and bring food when staying over. This guy never brings anything.
As for the car, I understand all the comments about lorry drivers job nature and vintage cars and I will take my car to the garage. It's just harder now in this second lockdown. My point is that he definitely knows more than me yet hasn't offered any help. My male friend offered help but now cannot do so for a couple of days due to family issues.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/11/2020 07:51

was married and had a short time bfs after. All of them, at this stage of dating and being at mine, offered help with cleaning after cooking which I would politely refuse as a good host, but it was nice to see them wanting to help. My most recent ex would always was cups or glasses and bring food when staying over.

And all those relationships went pear shaped

Standrewsschool · 07/11/2020 07:52

The relationship is still new, so for the first few evening meals, I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to wash up all the dishes etc.

However, I would expect him to at least tidy up wine glasses etc, or offer to help.

I agree with what @Darker says above. Maybe it’s different expectations, or as it’s a new relationship, he doesn’t want to impose so early on. What’s he like at his house?

GiraffeNecked · 07/11/2020 07:56

It’s bugging you, it’s not what you want. Move on.

RhymesWithOrange · 07/11/2020 07:57

I don't like the sound of him.

Doesn't invite you over to his.
Assumes you're going back to yours.
Doesn't offer to help tidy up.
Doesn't bring a token gift.

Sounds like a potential cocklodger if he's in a house share. Does he treat you when you're out as I assume you pay for the shopping when you both eat at your place.

PoulePouletteEternellement · 07/11/2020 07:58

I haven't been to his house. He just assumes we will end up at mine.

And ... there's your problem!

Why, why, why are you allowing his assumptions to dictate how you proceed in the relationship?

There could be any number of reasons why he hasn't invited you to his home (even before we mention Covid 19). You need to discover the relevant one and confront it.

The most sinister could be that he's keen to move out of shared accommodation - and you have a house ...

user1471538283 · 07/11/2020 08:00

He didn't even offer tho! It is manners to offer to do the dishes! It shows that he cares about another human, let alone a girlfriend to offer to take a look at her car or drive her. He is supposed to be trying to make a good impression. There is plenty of time for arguing about the dishes and him being lazy if this runs the distance.

MLMbotsgoaway · 07/11/2020 08:00

What does he actually bring to the table for you OP?

FedUpWithItAllWeep · 07/11/2020 08:00

I was going to ask what happens when you go over to his.

So that's you paying for food and drink, cooking it and cleaning up for every date? If someone was doing that for me then I'd be falling over myself to help in some way I'd be so uncomfortable essentially being waited on hand and foot.

If he can't have you over to his because he's in a house share then he should be finding ways to reciprocate the things you are doing for him. Be that washing up, paying for dinner etc. I'd be concerned he'd always want to be looked after for the length of the relationship!

Ferrari458 · 07/11/2020 08:05

Nah! Potential cock lodger in the making. I can't work out why some are giving you a bit of a hard time Op. If you're visiting anyone, let alone a potential long-term partner, you at least offer to wash up after you've had a meal cooked for you.

"All of them, at this stage of dating and being at mine, offered help with cleaning after cooking which I would politely refuse as a good host, but it was nice to see them wanting to help."
When you finally get the opportunity - don't do that - you don't have to do the washing up to be a good host. If someone offers to help out let them.

pinkprosseco · 07/11/2020 08:05

Doesn't sound like a keeper. Has he cooked for you?

nosswith · 07/11/2020 08:06

Not even offering to do the washing up after a meal? Doesn't sound a good man to me.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 07/11/2020 08:06

It's only been a few weeks and you really do sound like a long term couple with you moaning about his meagre domestic contribution.

Obviously covid has buggered things up, but if you actually like him and want to see if this becomes something, stop treating the man like your husband and start dating him. And by dating, I dont mean cook pasta, watch Eastenders, shag on the sofa then clean the kitchen on your own.
I don't think he sounds particularly worth it, but you appear to be very keen for something with someone and may want to persist.

ivykaty44 · 07/11/2020 08:07

If you’re not happy with his behaviour then don’t see him again. Only you can decide what is compatible with your ways and ideas

Marmozet · 07/11/2020 08:09

Can't see what's appealing about this guy.

JaffaCake70 · 07/11/2020 08:10

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

A real woman can do it all herself... a real man won't let her.
What this person said 100%
Original poster
whoknew1 · 07/11/2020 08:14

This is my previous thread about him:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4055194-Red-flags-New-man?pg=8

If anyone wants to read that ofc.

Yes. I made a mistake of giving it another go 'to see what happens'. I think I needed time to fully understand it's not for me.

OP posts:
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