Is this normal - new 'boyfriend'

[whoknew1]

Right. If you started dating someone and after around 1-2 months and them being in your house 4-5 times, they hadn't offered any help with cooking or cleaning, would that be normal, as you are the host and you are not a couple yet?
Also, please imagine a situation that you have a little issue with your car. You asked a friend for help but he cannot sort it out. It's hard to find a garage open or able to accommodate you at a short notice due to covid. So, as a result, you have no car to get to work until it's sorted and you find a garage. A man you have been dating knows about the situation, he expresses that 'yes, I know it's a pain' and you got to 'keep looking for a garage, that's all you can do'. He has 3 days off work now and hasn't offered any help or even looking at your car (despite being a lorry driver in the past, so I take he knows something about cars etc).
Is this normal?
Am I expevting too much thinking he should have offered help with cooking, cleaning and at least trying to look at the car? I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

Most people don’t have a clue about cars but him not helping out at all would annoy me!

Oh fuck I remember that previous thread - and you're still with him? Why?

Honestly, between your two threads, you're coming across as a bit desperate.

You're clearly not enamoured with this man. You don't even seem to like him very much.

Stop wasting his and your time and just end it.

You sound very high maintenance

I think the fact you have two threads about him, so many red flags and it’s so early into your relationship - leave

High maintenance!!!!! Are you for real (not you op previous poster)

4 or 5 dates in?

No.

It's not hard to find a garage. It's early days to be starting unloading your life admin onto him.

I'd give you a swerve because you come across as the dependant type.

I think not offering to help wash up is a bit rude tbh and would put me off.

The car thing, not sure really, I personally like “manly” men, the kind who would be able to fix your car. So again this would put me off but I don’t think he’s necessarily being U, everyone’s different and knowing what it might be doesn’t mean he can fix it.

I’d offer to help with the washing up, if roles were reversed, and at this stage I wouldn’t expect anymore.

In every house I’ve lived in, washing up when the shower is on has caused the shower to run cold, so if my partner was in the shower I wouldn’t touch the sink.

So you've now set up 2 elaborate posts critiquing negatively every aspect of this bloke to a fine degree after a handful of dates and still stringing him along. And he's the bastard? You haven't said one good thing about him. It's almost like you ripping him to shreds and have us all pile in. Just finish with him for God's sake!

Oh I remember this man! To be honest, washing up is the least of your problems. He is so lazy he doesn't even look after his own child and leave that to his sister to do. He is greedy and selfish and lazy. You knew that in the last thread. How many times do you have to be told to leave this man?

Oh god I remember your previous thread, why are you still asking these questions? You don't like him.

it's very clear you find nearly every aspect of him irritating. A lot of the things he does bugs you and when you're with him for extended periods you can't wait for him to leave.

You don't like him. I wouldn't like him. Why is it that you're not listening to yourself, fear of loneliness, having to 'start again' dating someone new? I get it. But you really really clearly don't enjoy this man. He doesn't make you feel good in any way.

@Feelinglost006

You sound very high maintenance

WTAF?

OP - I don't think you sound high maintenance at all.

After reading this thread and your previous one, you sound as though your self esteem is a bit low as you're settling for second best. Well, not even second best, more like bottom of the pile.

He sounds selfish, thoughtless, lazy, boring and the fact that he doesn't pay child support shows what sort of person he is.

You're worth more.

I dated a guy like this for a while, eventually I got fed up with him not lifting a finger, he couldn’t even be bothered to put his rubbish in the bin or take his plate out after eating. I spent most evenings he was here cleaning up after him.

Just read the other thread and was sick in my mouth a little. You deserve so much better. The man sounds selfish in every way. If you're having issues so early on then just imagine how bad it will be later on. Get rid.

Do you mean you expect him to clean your house generally or just the dinner dishes ?

To expect him to hoover and dust your house is bizarre, maybe he should offer to clean up after dinner, but how much mess can a meal for two make ?

You know he's not great, you know he's not prioritising you, you have come on a forum and posted about him because you know he's crap.

I cannot understand why you would continue seeing him? You're clearly unhappy but if you continue to see him but continue to moan I wouldn't be sympathetic towards it.

I'd get rid - at that stage I would expect him to be keen to make a good impression, if he CBA now he will be worse down the line!

OP, this isn't really about him - or any of the men you've dated.

This is about you, and your lack of boundaries.

Before you do any more dating, I'd recommend getting into therapy. And if you're already in therapy, staying there and holding off on meeting someone for a while.

Ha! I am definitely not high maintenance. This is one thing I am 100% certain of in this all, I am the total opppsite, hence the issue.
Why I am still seeing this man? Well. I am in my 40s. I have been single long. All the attempts after marriagr to get to know someone and build a worthwhile relation have failed. I could add to all the dating threads here, lots of horror and funny stories.
So I guess I am just hesitant to bin anyone off quickly, it all makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. But objectively I know there is not, if anything it's just me being too much of a people pleaser and putting others first - which also has been noticed by my friends, at work, in my parenting style etc. I made lots of progress but still lots of work ahead of me.
I do know I need to bin this man and I will do it.

Are you someone who finds it hard to end relationships because you worry you’ll never find anyone else? I am! I recently discovered it’s because I have what’s called an “anxious or preoccupied attachment style”. It’s awful in situations like this, because I’d be bending myself out of shape to try and make things work, even when my gut was telling me this man was simply a twat. That’s how I ended up marrying my first husband, who had more red flags than the Russian Olympic team.

If you end it, I promise you that you’ll be fine. Better than fine, in fact. You’ll be more relaxed, less anxious, calmer, happier, more content, more excited about the future, and just feel “lighter” every moment of your day.

You have nothing to lose by ending this.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it to be honest. If I have guests, I don't expect them to help clear up. If they offer great. If not, I'm the host and I've invited them round to enjoy themselves.

I'd say it would become an issue once you're an established couple, where you are less likely to cook for him, than for you both to decide together what to cook.

You can always ask. I still have to point out that plates need clearing to my DH after 30 years! He'd happily stand chatting while I did it all - he isn't mean, just doesn't think.

As for the car, why on earth should he know how to fix it? Or have the requisite tools? Have you asked if he might have any idea? That's what I'd do, then accept if he said no.

So what if you're in your 40s!
Reading between the lines you don't want to be single so instead of having fun and being happy on your own you'd rather lower your expectations, be unhappy with this guy and come on MN to complain
I don't get this mentality.
Doesn't sound like you really care about him at all but stuck with him out of a bit of fear and desperation.
If you've made your choice then why are you asking for reassurance that he's a crap investment

You seem to feel the need to be in any relationship rather than being single. What's wrong with being on your own?

Sorry didn't read all the posts, and see the discussion has moved on.

Just to say my DH has always irritated me as he's very untidy and needs reminding to clean up etc. I do sometimes think about other men I knew who weren't like this... however, I'm not sure how important it has been to our relationship. Wouldn't mind a magic wand to fix it though!