Is this normal - new 'boyfriend'

[whoknew1]

Right. If you started dating someone and after around 1-2 months and them being in your house 4-5 times, they hadn't offered any help with cooking or cleaning, would that be normal, as you are the host and you are not a couple yet?
Also, please imagine a situation that you have a little issue with your car. You asked a friend for help but he cannot sort it out. It's hard to find a garage open or able to accommodate you at a short notice due to covid. So, as a result, you have no car to get to work until it's sorted and you find a garage. A man you have been dating knows about the situation, he expresses that 'yes, I know it's a pain' and you got to 'keep looking for a garage, that's all you can do'. He has 3 days off work now and hasn't offered any help or even looking at your car (despite being a lorry driver in the past, so I take he knows something about cars etc).
Is this normal?
Am I expevting too much thinking he should have offered help with cooking, cleaning and at least trying to look at the car? I haven't asked specifically for help as it's just embarrassing for me to do so, if he does not just want to help naturally, if that makes sense?

I don't think he is a guest anymore. Do you ever do the dishes when he's there or leave them until the next day? If you do that he'll assume he doesn't need to offer as you aren't doing them anyway
Bit confused why you'd have a shower at that point, don't you do that before he arrives?

Does he live near enough to offer to drive you to work? If so he should be doing that.

Just read your other thread too. It did tickle me a bit but also made me pull a ew icky face

OK. Thank you for all the comments. All are valuable, one way or another.
I will not be writing more here, I know what I need to do.
I posted some time ago in someone elses thread about 'my story', here it is hopefully it explains a bit why I am the way I am.
And yes, I have been in therapy. Obviously might need more help.

This is my post on loneliness:
Another one here feeling the same.
Single over 5 years, with some attempts to create a relationship and going through another disaster atm, which I write about in my thread.
I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. Why I always meet the wrong ones or why the ones that suit me - give up on me.
And yes, I did all the 'be happy single' stuff and had therapy. I am 40, with 1 child, so as much as it's a godsend I have her and haven't missed on being a mum, it also means I have commitments that make dating harder and exclude a number of men who otherwise might be good matches.
I have no advice but I do hear you and just wanted to say I 100% get these pangs of loneliness and being somewhat broken when everybody around, even mostly shitty exes, managed to settle down and are in long term relationships that seem fine.

My ex husband has been with his new gf (not the one he cheated on me with) for 2 years now, this gf seems fairly normal. And from what I know and what my daughter says - they have a good relationship, which reminds me our marriage in good years ( married for 12 years, things went wrong after 7/8 years).
It hurts as hell.
I am having another sleepless night, despite the fact I need to get up and go to work soon ( I am a key worker). I know I will arrange it all in my head and rationalise for myself again soon, aa I did many times before, but damn, it's so hard to live without a significant other, when you want someone.

So I guess I am just hesitant to bin anyone off quickly, it all makes me feel like there is something wrong with me

This is the crux of your problem. Get rid of this guy, and don't have any more relationships until you have a) dealt with this problem and b) actively enjoyed being single for a while.

You are currently basing 'Is there something wrong with me?' on your relationship status. Millions of brilliant people are single, because they know their worth, and won't stay with someone they don't really click with, just so that they can stay in a relationship. Millions of decidedly not brilliant people are in miserable relationships, and will waste their life away who put them in this frame of mind:

So I guess I am just hesitant to bin anyone off quickly, it all makes me feel like there is something wrong with me

Be a brilliant person. Start now. Tell him to sling his hook.

As for the cooking and cleaning I wouldn't expect him too at all but as for the not offering you a lift considering he got time off and not offering to even help look at your car would do it for me really . Especially so early on too people supposed to be making more of an effort as in trying to empress . It would just go to show to me that he is pretty selfish .

The more time you spend with the wrong men, the less chance and time you have to meet the right one.

Good luck, OP. Focus on yourself and your daughter.

*waste their life away with someone who

I posted on your previous thread and dear God I can’t believe you are still with this man. You already broke up with him once and he hasn’t changed, he never will. Please don’t settle rather than be on your own.

You sound so angry and defensive.
Why come looking for advice

AIBU regarding the car again. It's actually very good that he is staying away from it. He may do something wrong and can even go to prison because of that. He may not have a clue in modern cars. I have a friend who is into technical things but if his car has a problem it goes to the garage.

I would still consider him a guest and not expect cleaning up.

Also I wouldn't trust him to make a judgement on my car based on being a lorry driver or a hobby.

Oh, and there is no 'normal'. Some people would wait on their partner hand and foot, and love it. Others would be horrified at the thought.

You're not looking for 'normal'. You're looking for 'YAY!!', and whatever causes that feeling in you, personally.

He sounds lazy and I doubt he will change.

Having read your other post, I would ditch him. Don't settle.

I'd find it odd you went off and had a shower after dinner?
Most people would have the shower before date came over, not whilst they are there.
And you are leaving the dishes yourself in the sink so it's not obvious you want them done that evening?
I think In early days one did food then sex then wash up next day?

You sound like a headache OP - and like you want treating like you're some 'helpless woman' and in the same breath want him to be 'equal' with you....and you sound demanding and needy.
He's been to your house on average twice in one month....and you want him to immediately act like a steady boyfriend?

I do not expect it to 'fix' my car but maybe just offering help to check it and confirming it might be a minor issue and if it's safe to drive
YOU ALREADY KNOW it's not safe to drive!
Why do you 'need' a non-professional confirmation?
He isn't a mechanic - it isn't his place to 'check out' your car just because he's male.
If he said it was safe and you drove it and something happened - would you blame him or yourself?

As for cooking and cleaning, what exactly do you mean?
Joining in cooking, cleaning up after the meal is reasonable - if you're seeing each other regular...and if only one of you ends up 'hosting' more often then after some time you split the cost...
....taking out your bins, vacuuming your home, sorting your laundry, doing DIY - NO!
It's far too early.

As for his response to your complaint about not being able to get to work - how is that his problem to sort?
what did you expect him to do - lend you his? hire you a car?

You're an adult - you should have thought about the possible scenarios before accepting a job that you apparently can only travel to via private car.......you could always take public transport and suck up the hassle for a short time...or hire a car if it's that much of an issue.

Sorry, but I would bin him off. Unless you want a lifetime of this. I’d rather be on my own than be someone who is this inconsiderate.

OP your biggest issue is that you are looking to other people all the time.

• The man isn’t great - but you think it’s you.
• you’re looking at how your exes relationships are going
• you’ve posted twice about this man to get validation from strangers online that you should dump him

I know this is way easier said than done, but you really do need to trust in your own judgement and base your happiness on how you’re doing - not in comparison to how you think others are.

The more time you waste on someone who doesn’t make you happy - the less time you spend, well, being happy.

it's so hard to live without a significant other, when you want someone

Imagine saying this about anything else; 'It's so hard to live without a Porsche, when you want one', 'It's so hard to live without a million pounds, when you want it'

We just get on with it, don't we? We don't torture ourselves every day about what's wrong with us that we don't earn a 6 figure sum. We just don't. Our lives didn't go that way, or haven't yet. They might.

I agree with @Lampan at the start of the thread - it's just basic manners to offer to help out at someone else's house with the preparing or tidying up after a meal that you've shared. (Whether as a friend or bf/gf, regardless of how soon in the relationship) It's true they are small things (incl the tidying up of wrappers and wine glasses etc) but I think very indicative of his general attitude - possibly his attitude towards men and women's roles and certainly just in the general sense of how generous/thoughtful/observant he is as a person. Especially if there is an assumption you'll always be going back to your house. Seems to be a bit of an absence of generosity and willing to take on his share on his part. Particularly if you consider that the beginning part in a relationship is when someone is more usually making an effort to impress. The car/mechanic thing I don't feel is so indicative of anything - he may be out of his comfort zone understanding anything meaningful under the bonnet of a car, so I kind of think that's fair enough. I think it would be usual manners among caring friends/bf/gf (even if in the early stages) to offer to run you somewhere, if he is off work and there's no reason not too, again it just comes across as a not very generous or thoughtful person. I'd heed those warning bells, or at least proceed with caution.

Most garages are staying open during the lockdown. I work in a field that supplies them and the vast majority of garages have no current plans to close as they are too busy.

In my experience most people do not know much about cars. My ex fixed printers and computers but overfilled his car with oil so badly he had to call the AA out. Ignoring me trying to show him how to check the oil level as he knew better and cars need oil.

Oh my god op just read your previous thread ! What the hell are you doing with this man child ' you deserve so much better

Don't be hard on yourself either.

He isn't right for you but someone else will be. You don't need to settle for someone, not this guy or anyone else that doesn't tick your boxes or make you feel amazing. It doesn't matter how old you are you can still find love.

Surely it's just good manners to help clear the table at someone's house for dinner. I would do that for anyone. I think your instincts are right.

You're options are not this guy or nobody ever, please don't fall into that trap. This guy is already giving you minimal effort and care 5 dates in. Value yourself more!

You're too good for this lazy waste of space. And he sounds quite disgusting too.

I've been married over 40 years. My dh has just brought me a coffee and I can hear him emptying the dishwasher. If your bf isn't offering help at this stage he never will.

I'm sorry you feel lonely but don't settle just for company. This is your life and you're only getting it once.