Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

He’s already taken pleasure in telling me today that he’s been invited to dinner at a friends despite lockdown! Knowing full well I’m stuck in doors with the kids. Carrying out my parental responsibility while he pisses off and had the free single life. And he’s already started talking about digging his heels in about the money and about the house!!!!
I hope he chokes on his meal!!!!

Get your ducks in a row. He doesn't get to dictate how this turns out. Decide what you want and live YOUR best life

Now is the time to use your anger.

You will have days where you can't do anything, it's unbelievably hard, but when you do have energy get the financials in order and make an appointment.

It will do you no good to wait for his decisions on anything.

Also do not talk about what you intend to do, no warnings, no information.

The decision is made and he's now not important to your plans.
He is disreguarding you.

You need to disguard him.

I'm sorry he is an absolute bastard.

It will be the last meal he enjoys because you are taking all the money that you and your children can get a hold of, aren't you OP?
Get your legal advice and use your anger as PP has said.

Take the decision out of his hands NOW. You don't want him back. He's going to keep you hanging on, hoping he'll come back. And for him to be telling the kids what his plans are before you?? Fuck that... Just no. Take control now.

Btw who does he think is moving out? You?
Gather financial documents, all that shite and get in with divorcing this God of a man, who seems to think you are waiting around while he takes your dignity.
Take control of this situation now. You deserve more than this.

Hope you're ignoring all his attention seeking communications.

Get a solicitor. It's going to cost him to talk to you via solicitor's letters.

@Saffy980
Says there’s no rush to sort the house and I can stay as long as I need while I find a new place and says there’s not point sorting stuff until the new year as he’s not in any hurry, all the while living in his parents spare room with a weeks worth of clothes and no plans to come and get any more of his stuff!!!!!
Breathtaking arrogance.
Bag his things.
Tell him his stuff is all outside and he can pick it up by X date. After that it will all be taken to X charity shop.

Reckon he says he’s not coming back cos I wanted an answer but now he’s regretting it and thinks he might change his mind cos it’s not actually what he wanted!!
Yes, it's what he wanted. He is waiting for the green light from whoever he left you for. He also wanted to have a little fun treating you so badly, but the man who includes his own son in this self indulgent game is a man who deserves to be taken to the cleaners. You are dealing with someone who is selfish to the bone here, someone who doesn't mind who he hurts.

I spoke to a counsellor the other day and explained things and even she said he’s confused and giving mixed messages because he clearly has some issues he needs help with but won’t admit it.
Your counselor is talking BS.
He is not confused. He is not some suffering soul who has problems and needs someone to take him by the hand and lead him to restful waters.
He is giving mixed messages because he (1) is waiting to move in with someone else, and (2) isn't going to admit this to you, and (3) is enjoying your distress. And also his children's distress.

Of course he is not coming back, while he has a free house to live in.
Reality has not kicked in as he can slob around and do as he pleases, while your his fall back safety blanket.
Start paying off your credit cards, and joint bills, work out what you have as assets, and start telling him, Your not sure you want him back.
As I can tell you he has left this relationship for good, he only cares about himself now.

What math said. Get a different counsellor.

@mathanxiety

Good post.

He really is a dreadful man, all those times in the past when you didn't know who was right or wrong.

He was wrong, I can tell

What a self entitled git he is.

Are you fed up of living in this limbo?

Get rid. Make the decision that he is struggling so hard to make.

See a solicitor and find out where you stand financially.

@Saffy980

He’s already taken pleasure in telling me today that he’s been invited to dinner at a friends despite lockdown! Knowing full well I’m stuck in doors with the kids. Carrying out my parental responsibility while he pisses off and had the free single life. And he’s already started talking about digging his heels in about the money and about the house!!!! I hope he chokes on his meal!!!!

It's not up to him though , it's up to a judge.

Anyone have any advice as to how to actually get over this and him.
I still love him so much and it hurts like hell. I feel totally out of control and like my life will never be happy again. I’m worried about the future, without him and being alone. Keep thinking about him meeting someone else and introducing her to his family and moving her into my house in my bed once I’ve moved out
My kids, worried about them, having to be apart from them for times when they’re with him.
Xmas this year, I’m in absolute tears thinking about that. My mum isn’t nearby and I have no other family.
How the hell do I do this? How do I stop crying over him and worrying that I’ll be alone forever. How do I stop loving him and wanting him back.
I can’t stand this. I feel like I want to die, or go to sleep and never wake up again.

What would you say to a friend in this situation? What is he doing to help himself decide? Is he seeking help\ counselling? If this is all due to “issues” then he should be desperate to get help to resolve them.
Why on Earth is he assuming you will move out? As he is such a great dad why isn’t he assuming that you and the kids will stay put to minimise disruption for the kids? After all his current outlay for his alternative accommodation is minimal no wonder he can graciously tell you there is no rush.
Try a different counsellor, clarify your finances (he needs to continue to pay bills etc as before) and find out about divorce proceedings. If you then decide together to give it another try you have all the info you need - knowledge is power after all!

Im sorry you’re hurting its horrible I know. Confide in your friends and family and lean on them for support.

Dont leave the house- so this guy supposedly a great dad - wants his DCs to loose their home because he’s not happy! No way - get some advice re your situation but you should stay in the family home. Its quite probable there is someone else (sorry to say) so prepare for that. Take it slow. Make sure you eat a little and take care of yourself. It will get better.

Put on your big girl knickers and get a solicitor ASAP.... I bet you don’t have to leave the bloody house after all this time. He’ll have to buy you out. Get your ducks in a row. Get his pension info, bank details, mortgage bits, car payments, credit card statements - everything!!! (Phone bills) The last two will probably be very enlightening.

What kind of message are you giving your children?
That’s it’s ok for a man to treat his wife and kids like s...
Time for a reality check!
If his stuff is making you upset, pack it all up in bin liners and drop it at his parents, anything else can go in the garage to waiting for him to pick it up at a prearranged time.
Sort your money out no joint bank accounts, make sure you can pay for bills.
SEEK LEGAL ADVICE , get your paper work together , pensions etc, be smart not a victim.
Your a grown women with kids, they need you to set them an example.
Yes it’s sad , but there’s always someone else worse off !
He really isn’t worth the polish on your boots !
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get organised !

I’d also think about changing the locks, is your home jointly owned ?

Joint home, joint mortgage, joint loan!! Joint everything.
He wants to buy me out but I can’t afford a decent place for me and the kids using the buy out money plus a small mortgage. I’m self employed and my income is erratic at the moment cos of covid. My area is quite pricey but need to stay local for kids schools and I have friends and his family, who have been great and feel for me after all he’s done. They know he’s handled this wrong and shouldn’t have moved out but they won’t kick him out either!!!
He’s still adamant there isn’t anyone else. Just said that for a while he’s felt empty and unhappy and doesn’t know why or how to stop it. But he seems to think this is the answer, to walk away from a wife who loves him and kids who love him!!!
He’s messaged today to say I need to leave him be if I want there to be any chance he might change his mind and if he ever wanted to return I have to let him go first!!!

What an absolute fucking dick this man is. Run to the nearest divorce lawyer op and don't look back. You deserve so much better than this.

Ignore his messages.
Get your ducks in a row and a SHL.

Stand up for yourself and your DC.

Get a lawyer. You might not have to move. And don't let him dictate if he comes back - say you're done.

I thought you had already let him be and not had much contact....

I assume this has pissed him off and he's now making out he is telling you to let him get on.

As others have said, get a solicitor and discuss your options.

You cannot stay in this state of limbo much longer.

Had to have contact at weekend cos he told me he wanted to see kids but then Sunday came and still nothing. He text them to say sorry but he’s not been feeling himself. So I had to message and also sort stuff for his payday due this week.
He then replied after saying I needed to leave him alone cos I’d also put some stuff through his parents door. Old photos, letters and some old cards I found when clearing out his stuff. Not thrown anything away so just put through door with a note.
Also found passport missing but he says he’s not taken it!!!!
All stuff now stashed in shed and told him it’s all bagged up for him to come and get and said he’s not coming in house when picking up the kids, he needs to wait outside.

I don't condone his actions for one minute, he's at that point in his life where he wants more but doesn't actually know what he wants.

That said, 2 lovely children and a devoted wife sounds like he has it made.

Ideally you need to look at the fact he's left and move on with your life. This is SO difficult because it's obvious you adore this man. However all he sees is his wife crying and pleading for him to come home whilst he plays the big man with all your feelings....

Want to get him back? Get your life back first and he will follow.

If you go 'OK, you've left' and quote the words from the amazing Beautiful South song 'the freedom that you wanted back is yours for good, I hope you're glad' and crack on with your life...he'll sit up and notice that actually you aren't dependant on 'just him' and this will crush his male ego.

I know we are in lockdown so do this on your restrictions but do you have a close friend or family member? If so, meet up...have wine, cry on their shoulder.
Go for long walks or crack on with your hobby....ignore his messages for a while as you are busy.

Present yourself differently...after lockdown maybe change your hair, lose weight, gain weight, put make up on...do whatever to look your best or if you want him back then gain his attention....personally do it for yourself cos if you look great then you will feel great...

You will also learn that actually you have an amazing life with or without him...do stuff with your kids if you can....

If you learn to love yourself you will realise how much you need to protect your feelings and the fact he's done what he has is poor form and you deserve better.

Good Luck and I hope you can work things out.

Don't get a haircut. Get a LAWYER. Seriously, call one now and make an appointment.