Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

We all have times where we feel this is not what I wanted out of life, however you don’t just get to check out of life while you sort yourself out. Leave your partner and children in the lurch while you figure out what’s going to make you happy and fulfilled

@Whatabambam

You sound like you are in a very distressed place and my first thought is that you need to seek help, love and support from your GP, family and friends. It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and it doesn't matter what you want; the decision is his alone. Please don't ask for him back again. You are in the very natural stages of denial and self recrimination is perfectly normal right now. Try not to beat yourself up. He had a duty to share his feelings with you earlier than at the point of leaving. You are naturally traumatised and you will be several months or even years behind his thought process. And,yes, there will be another woman. The mental health problems may well stem from feelings of guilt and shame. Start checking for evidence. It will help you see him for what he is and it will help you fall out of love with him. He doesn't deserve you or your love

He had a duty to share his feelings with you earlier than at the point of leaving. You are naturally traumatised and you will be several months or even years behind his thought process. And,yes, there will be another woman. The mental health problems may well stem from feelings of guilt and shame

Yes I could have written this . This was my case.

My exh left after 20 years too, he said he had been pondering it for years! Time to think about what you want, try not to consider the kids, the upheaval, money - but do you really want to be waking up next to him in 20 years time? I realised I didn't, I remembered the digs about my weight, the complaints about my messiness and fact his hobbies came first and thought, I deserve better - and I have it now .

Don't make a rash decision but equally don't let him mean control, do you want him back?

Ps we are good friends, all very amicable and the kids are protected,it's possible

Brilliant posts @Onthedunes and @Drinkingallthewine

OP how are you doing today? Is the collective MN pep talk making any difference? Are you prepping your badass outfit (leather trousers, red jacket, massive shades, enormous hair, motorbike?)

Christ, I’d be desperate to lose him. There would be none of him uhhmminf and aarrhing and making his mind up. Fuck that for a game. His stuff would be on the front lawn ready for him to collect.

No man in history has ever left a house where he got his meals cooked, clothes washed, a bed to lie on etc without there being another woman in the picture.

He cries about what he’s doing lol. Manipulators always squeeze out the crocodile tears. He's treating you with utter contempt and you still want to help him?

@pinkyredrose

He cries about what he’s doing lol. Manipulators always squeeze out the crocodile tears. He's treating you with utter contempt and you still want to help him?

My DSis' exH cried in the courtroom the day her divorce was finalised and tried to hug her afterwards. An hour later she saw him being all lovey dovey with the OW in a restaurant!

Echo lots of others , and all the decision out of his hands. Say you've thought about it and you've decided it's better he doesn't come back and you need to start making plans to separate. How dare he leave you hanging like this , if he does come back how do you know he won't do it again in six months ? (you don't). Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thousands of women are single parents and manage and give their children a good life. When they are adults they'll realise what a sorry excuse he is.

Honestly OP you deserve better than this. He's made the decision to put his wants and needs first. Before your relationship, before the kids. So now you need to do the same. He's "getting his life back" (not his exact words I know) and he's testing the waters. Let him on, move on and be happy. He'll probably wonder why you're not falling apart or begging for him to come home.

Im sorry you are going through this, I remember that awful gut wrenching emotional turmoil as this happened to me but he didnt move out but was not happy.

Give him some space, let him see you are coping without him and give him a chance to miss you and realise what he has. It could be depression causing it or if not, sorry to say it may be an OW.

Keep eating even if you dont feel like it; exercise will help, have some brisk walks. Look after yourself and do things that make you feel good. Time will tell.

How are you doing, @Saffy980?

@Annonymiss123 i bet he told OW how he tried to be nice and your sis still bitter 🙄

Him saying that in front of the kids was very manipulative.

All the power is in his hands, that's not ok. Think I'd say, 'right, you chose to go you can stay gone now.'

he’s been unhappy for a while but doesn’t know what it is he wants or needs to feel happy again and thinks that being alone could make him happier in the long term.

He should get professional help for his supposed issues, meds and/or therapy (assuming most of this isn't just that he has an OW.) And he's not caring about your happiness and the kids', is he? How self-absorbed.

I am trying to focus on work and plan Xmas but it’s hard not knowing who I’m planning for!

So, you decide to plan for you, the DC, anyone else except the wanker ex that you plan on inviting (Corona allowing) and act accordingly.

He cries about what he’s doing, I’ve seen it myself.

My ex could turn on the tears too. He's deliberately doing that in front of you for effect, so you feel sorry for him, and carry on letting him decide everything.

But it hurts that he can’t see past wherever it is and realise that I want to help him and support him through whatever it is.

What about your feelings? Put them first and stop supporting him in fucking with you. Your feelings are just as important as his.

That it def will be as his parents are away for Xmas so he’ll be alone in their house and he’s already told me he’s under no illusion that he will be miserable if it gets that far!

More manipulation. If he's alone at Xmas it's due to the choice he made. Don't let him just come back for the afternoon or a couple of days so he can enjoy a nice meal etc and company and pick and choose when he can be arsed to be a family based on when he feels like it.

Take back control. xxx

So update. After once again asking for my help with a hospital appointment and acting “normal” with me and then talking about coming for dinner on Sunday, something I thought was to help him into coming home, Sunday am came and the text of “I’m not sure it’s right for me to come” after I’d waited until Sunday am to tell the kids in case he changed his mind!!! Said he needed to sort his head out because I’m sick of being strung along and it’s not fair on me or kids. Text message saying after 5 weeks should accept that maybe I’m not coming home. Not the decision I wanted to make or one I’m comfortable with but I can’t keep messing you about”
However, since then he’s told my son that there is a possibility he could change his mind in the next month or two and even told me if he changes his mind in the next few months I’ll be the first to know.
Says there’s no rush to sort the house and I can stay as long as I need while I find a new place and says there’s not point sorting stuff until the new year as he’s not in any hurry, all the while living in his parents spare room with a weeks worth of clothes and no plans to come and get any more of his stuff!!!!!
Reckon he says he’s not coming back cos I wanted an answer but now he’s regretting it and thinks he might change his mind cos it’s not actually what he wanted!!
I spoke to a counsellor the other day and explained things and even she said he’s confused and giving mixed messages because he clearly has some issues he needs help with but won’t admit it.
Now he’s back at work, empty house to go home to as parents are stuck at their holiday home cos of lockdown and too dark for kids to go walking down there after he’s back from work so living a miserable life in his parents house and that’s where he will have to stay until I’m ready to move, which might be a very very long time!!!

What a mind fuck he is.

Please don't go along with his crap. Make plans and move on

He is an arse. Don't wait to sort out finances and be in no rush to leave your home. Your poor DC (and you).

He may be in a state of confusion on his future plans however you need to separate yourself off from this. Are your truly going to allow him to treat you and his DC like this? I am appalled he has told your DS he might change his mind. You need to move forward and accept it is over, set some boundaries and stop sitting around waiting for this man to make a decision. Your an adult and make your own choices but your DC should not be included in this mind messing nonsense.

He left. The decision as to whether he can come back is now yours not his. Get on with making a good life for yourself and your teens. Don't be available for chats and hand holds and meet ups and texting. Suggest he gets professional help and back right away.

If he changes his mind you'll be the first to know!!?

Tell him it's over because even if he came back his heart wouldnt be in it ans you know you deserve more than these half hearted mixed messages.

Being on yr own makes you stronger. You see this shit for the self esteem depleting nonsense it is.

@dolphinpose

He left. The decision as to whether he can come back is now yours not his. Get on with making a good life for yourself and your teens. Don't be available for chats and hand holds and meet ups and texting. Suggest he gets professional help and back right away.

Exactly!!

He can;t deal with his life if he leaves it behind. Our stuff is a huge part of who we are and what he hang on to. Get him to come and collect every last piece of it and keep it in his parents' house for now. Start laying down some ground rules that will stabilise the situation for you and your DC. He may be too ill to realise, but he is messing you around and constantly stressing and upsetting you. He won't stop voluntarily because if he is depressed he might not be able to see beyond his own needs.