Husband left and can’t decide if he wants to come home or not

[Saffy980]

Hi, I need some advice. My husband walked out 4 weeks ago saying he needed space but now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to come back or not. He’s living in his parents spare room while they are away (stuck for lockdown)
I’ve seen him a few times and last weekend he was lovely to me holding hands hugging snd kissed me and in front of the kids (14 and 16) said he was thinking about coming home and it would be soon but a week and a half later still not back and telling me the more I try and talk to him, text etc he’s getting angry and not wanting to come back.
We’ve been married 20 years and I had my 40th in September. He waited two weeks after my birthday to leave and even told me he’d been thinking about it for months
I’m blaming myself and thinking if I’d been less of a nag or more affectionate or just left him to go what he wanted rather than badgering him to do stuff he might not have left
I’m in agony and cannot stop crying. I don’t feel like I have the strength to just leave him to it to make his mind up. I feel as if I leave him alone he will stay away more.
Any advice please please, i feel like I want to die. I’m in bits. I love him so much and don’t want loose him.

Tell him plainly that he can change his mind as many times as he wants but that the option to come back to you is no longer on the table. Then set plans in motion to make a firm and permanent split, sort finances etc. He will probably panic and beg to come bag as soon as he sees it isn’t an option and that you mean business. But please don’t fall for it. Seriously, stop allowing him to do this to you and your kids. It’s horrific.

Blimey, he's deluded.

How do you feel about this op?

Please don't let him come back. You deserve better.

Thanks for the update. Oh my god your poor kids! How were they on Sunday? That’s appalling.

Unfortunately OP he’s on a one way train to mindfuck city and clearly isn’t going to start acting like a kind adult any time soon. This means only you can protect your kids from this trauma he’s inflicting on them. (I know it’s traumatic for you as well but they’re at a stage where they’re learning so much about life and this could shape their adult relationships e.g. being overly desperate to please a partner because of fear of being left). Can you see this?

Can I ask what you’re waiting for exactly at the moment?

This happened to my sister. Her husband also decided he needed space and upped and left her and her young kids and she was devastated. He kept stringing her along, playing happy families in front of the kids and his kids from a previous marriage and also not allowing her to tell any of her friends and family as he was 'embarrassed'.
She begged him and begged him to come back, and he did but he told he things would have to change. He needed more time to do his hobby. She agreed leaving herself more run ragged with her kids and his kids sometimes while he was out for the day doing his hobby.
Then a few months later, he decided he was off again and the life he had was not what he wanted. It's not been pretty for anyone to pick up the pieces while he's having the time off his life. Scumbag.

@BillyGoatsChuff - he sounds monstrous. Men who leave because they need more fun when they are supposed to be raising young families are the people I despise most in the world.

There’s one way to stop all this to-ing and fro-Ing (which is downright self-indulgent and manipulative on his part) and that’s to shut the door, permanently, from your side. You and your kids deserve better.

Ironically, the best advice is the same for whether you want him to come back or not

Tell him you have also done some thinking, that you are very hurt, and you accept his decision to move out (not his decision to dither)

The beautiful south have a very good song about this scenario, I think it’s called “ I need a little time”

@LazyFace

No man in history has ever left a house where he got his meals cooked, clothes washed, a bed to lie on etc without there being another woman in the picture.

This ^

@pinkyredrose

He cries about what he’s doing lol. Manipulators always squeeze out the crocodile tears. He's treating you with utter contempt and you still want to help him?

And also this ^ OP, please go to the Chumplady website and read it thoroughly. What your lying cheating arse of a husband is doing is absolutely textbook for someone who is having an affair.

But I know that you must find it hard to believe

It’s easy for me to say I know but his pathetic attitude would kill any love I had stone dead.

You can do so much better , even on your own. Focus on your kids, get a solicitor and enjoy the rest if your life.And enjoy the look on his face as you do it!

You really need to see a solicitor and get copies of all financial documents etc. Do you have access to all accounts?

And also where are his parents? There was a several day warning of lockdown so most people could return if rhey wanted....

he could change his mind in the next month or two and even told me if he changes his mind in the next few months I’ll be the first to know.

He really is an arrogant twat isn’t he

You hanging around in limbo whilst he does what ever

I’d be texting him to say

I’ve had a long think about how you’re treating me & I’ll be getting on with me life, friends and Christmas etc without you. I’ll leave you doing whatever it is your doing at your parents place. Yes I will be staying in our home until the youngest is 18.

Then don’t message, don’t text, don’t find reasons to be in contact unless one of the children is at deaths door no contact - period

It is time for you and your children to figure out what you want, not him, but you three, without your husband.
Stop calling or texting, get the children to see him on their own. If he wants to see you, you are busy going out for a walk, watching movie, drying your hair.... actually, you can give it a go at changing your mind.
He may be confused, but he is surrly not caring enough about your feelings and his children. And seems to be indulging in keeping you guessing and praying. Stop playing the pick me up game. It is soul breaking.
Start thinking of your life without him and his mess. You will actually realise very soon that you are happier with your children without all this drama. Plan what you are doing. Do you really need to move houses?
And get Christmas ready for you and your children and your bubble (I hope bubbles can mingle for Christmas!)

If he text you don’t reply, there is absolutely no need to

He will let you know???!!! He obviously believes in his own deluded world that you will spend the next few months waiting around to see if he wants to come back, as though you have no say in it at all?

@dolphinpose

He left. The decision as to whether he can come back is now yours not his. Get on with making a good life for yourself and your teens. Don't be available for chats and hand holds and meet ups and texting. Suggest he gets professional help and back right away.

Absolutely this ^

I agree with others.
Time to stop hanging on to every word and dancing to every tune.
Get yourself under control. YOU need time to think. Get HIM worried for a change. And he will be worried.

Op there are many ways in which men who still want to appear the victim or keep their options open will engineer their time or space away from the home.

Many men provoke women till the situation at home is untenable, none of this is your fault, no nagging nothing would have stopped this steam train of selfishness that he is on.

It's hearbreaking, if they leave or even if they return.
If they do come back having a period of enlightenment, it may feel like relief for a short while but it's like a Band Aid, it just covers up the scar but it 's still there and the pain remains.

I understand you are poleaxed in your grief, but this is what he is banking on.......

YOUR FEAR

Your fear keeps the status quo for him and believe me if he came back with no consequences he would be the most self entilted arogant bastard ever!

He is banking on your fear.

Fear that you will not finalise anything in writing by seeing a solicitor.
He needs the threat.

Even if you set the ball rolling for divorce, you can stop the process if you wish if things change.

I personally think he's an obnoxious man, and you sound loyal , dependable and are a credit to your family.

Youv've got this op your better than him.

I think you need to completely ignore him. His behaviour is hurtful and irritating. Block him on your phone, tell him he can't come back because, as a single adult household, you're now bubbled with another family and make plans for Christmas this year which don't involve him.

You should consider what to tell the children... Must be very unsettling for them. Another reason to think very hard about letting him back.

The answer to all of this is so obvious but I think it's more difficult for you to see when you're in the thick of it.
Right now whichever way you look at it your dh is getting absolutely everything his own way and the way he imagined things since he set up his own bachelors pad.
His ex wifey is still slaving about after him, concerning her every being about him. His dc are most likely giving him attention be that positive or negative it's irrelevant.
And he's sitting around phoning you for things like help me with this hospital app. Even though I chose to be single.

Well if he's not got an ow I'll fall off my seat. Think about it OP. He's clearly not afraid to use you. He's mistreated you since moving out by asking for help on things he's supposed to do himself now he's single and you're pandering to him. All while he could actually be with ow.

Raise your standards. You're worth so much more than that.

There's a thread in here op that I think you'd benefit from reading, a lady who's husband has walked out after 17 years of marriage.

She's let him go and told him not to come home. Predictably he wants to come home, you need to do this, take his choice away from him, I guarantee he'll beg to come home once you do. Remove his power and control over you and take it back for yourself

He's not living a 'miserable life', he's having a lovely time on his own while you pick up the slack and run the house, look after the teens etc.

Time to take control and make him dance to your tune. Don't be a pushover. If he comes back how do you know he won't do the same again?

This absence could go on and on.

Please don't wait around hoping he will see the light and realise with some huge gesture that he was wrong.

Even just telling him he can not come back is not strong enough for this man.
You really should go to a solicitor.

Remember, he's enjoying himself whilst away from you, I'l put money on it.