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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first date regret

570 replies

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 14:59

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 02/11/2020 19:53

OP, you arent a slut. Jesus.

We all have needs and it's been a bloody awful year for most people. You had some lovely intimacy. If that's all it ends up being it isn't so bad. Do not take it personally. If he is judging you, he is quite the hypocrite isnt he?

Muranoandizumi · 02/11/2020 19:54

I hope it all works out, i'd say wait for him to text again, or maybe just reply asking how his day was or something ?
You've mentioned the meal so it's up to him now to make arrangements for that.

Coronawireless · 02/11/2020 19:55

And it does sound as if he came across all gentle and romantic during the date and their previous conversations. If all he wanted was a fun shag he should have been more honest about it and checked she was ok with that too. Anyone not annoyed by being manipulated like that must have pretty low self-esteem.

Muranoandizumi · 02/11/2020 19:55

As PP said, it takes two to tango so if it's 'put him off' then you've had a very lucky escape !!

DryIce · 02/11/2020 19:56

Honestly, the kind of guy who only thinks you're worthwhile if you turn down a night in a hotel (initiated by him!!) is not a guy you want to be with. What weird game playing.

You went out, had a great night and had great sex. That sounds like a win in my book. If you both want to see each other again, brilliant. If not, there are much worse ways to spend an evening.

But I'd stop torturing yourself that you've "ruined it". If he is only after one thing at least you only wasted one date on him!

elephantontheroofeatingcake · 02/11/2020 20:04

Oh I need to know! Fingers crossed for you Smile

User7644 · 02/11/2020 20:05

Well sleeping with someone quickly does not have any correlation with how nice you are.

Although the older I get , the most I realise being 'nice' is wholly overrated as a descriptor. OP , you are nothing but a young woman who had a nice night in a hotel with someone you liked!. Anyone calls you a misogynist name , ignore them!

I hope he sorts out a date for Wednesday soon xx

WonkyStripes · 02/11/2020 20:11

Sounds like you could be in the same boat with feeling like you rushed into it. It's cute. Anyway, I don't think men ever regret sex, I very much doubt he would see it as ruined. If he likes you he will suggest more dates, simple as that.

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 20:12

Okay so I've eaten and showered and I'm gonna reply to him now. I feel annoying if I bring up Wednesday but feel I'd rather just know, ahhhh

OP posts:
helpbuyingahouse · 02/11/2020 20:14

Please don't text him. Keep your dignity. If a man is interested they will show it to you. And if I were you I would say no to Wednesday and tell him to wait until after lockdown

RantyAnty · 02/11/2020 20:15

Don't reply. Just wait for him to text you to set something up.

CrimsonCattery · 02/11/2020 20:15

If he ghosts you after sex on the 1st date, he almost certainly would have at some point even if you slept with him on the 5th date. If he likes you, his opinion won't have been negatively affected by the timing. I have always slept quickly with people I've been dating and have almost always been the one to call it off later (or not as am currently with someone and its going well).

Even if he does flake out, better he does it now than later when you have invested more time and emotion in him. Dating sucks. Flowers

CrimsonCattery · 02/11/2020 20:17

I would reply but with something generic and slightly flirty at most. Let him bring up Wednesday.

MLMbotsgoaway · 02/11/2020 20:17

Rooting for you Op. he text you last so he may well be expecting you to text back. Don’t mention Wednesday just reply to his last text. Let him bring it up.

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 20:19

Thanks guys, I've replied saying he must've had a long day and asked how it went, and made a jokey dig about how I worked from home hahaha. Hopefully he replies soon Confused

OP posts:
ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 02/11/2020 20:19

Glad he replied OP. I've had lots of men go cold on me after having sex, but the one thing they all had in common was that it made no difference when we had sex. Date 1, date 3, after dating for a month or longer, it made exactly zero difference. The ones who just wanted sex/"the chase" went cold regardless of how coy I played it. My dp and I had sex on the second date, which was 2 days after our first date, and we've been together 5 years now. I've also had a few one night stands turn into relationships. I don't personally believe the timing of sex has any effect on whether a relationship survives.

Zolaanna · 02/11/2020 20:22

I think you should raise the bar and find a guy who you're not second guessing or losing your mind over

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 02/11/2020 20:24

Good luck OP.

Also this has absolutely nothing to do with the thread but I always imagine @Bluntness100 looks like a mix of Annie Lennox and Jamie Lee Curtis 😃

sunnysunshine40 · 02/11/2020 20:25

Good luck OP

conduitoffortune · 02/11/2020 20:27

You have done nothing wrong. If he doesn't make reference to going for dinner though in his next message he would be the unreasonable one. If he wants sex, fine. If he wants to date, fine. But he shouldn't mis-sell his position.

Coronawireless · 02/11/2020 20:29

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

Glad he replied OP. I've had lots of men go cold on me after having sex, but the one thing they all had in common was that it made no difference when we had sex. Date 1, date 3, after dating for a month or longer, it made exactly zero difference. The ones who just wanted sex/"the chase" went cold regardless of how coy I played it. My dp and I had sex on the second date, which was 2 days after our first date, and we've been together 5 years now. I've also had a few one night stands turn into relationships. I don't personally believe the timing of sex has any effect on whether a relationship survives.
I agree. My sister’s DH told her when they were dating that if a man likes someone she could vomit on him and it would make no difference! So I guess ditto re timing of sex, texting etc. Within limits I guess - you don’t want to send him thirty texts in the middle of the night or he may misunderstand your true essence! If he’s not interested, the sooner you know the better. Scrape your shoe and move on. It won’t be the sex or the follow-up text that did it. But if he doesn’t respond and you feel a bit upset you have every right to feel like that. You’re not being uncool. It just means you’re used to being treated honestly and you have high standards for yourself🙂
changingnamesandkeepingsane · 02/11/2020 20:29

There is some rather 'old fashioned' (if I'm being polite) views on here.

Sex is a normal part of a romantic relationship. It really doesn't matter when you do it for the first time. I had sex with my husband on our first date (also unexpected). Unless you're 16, I can't fathom why anyone would care. It wouldn't occur to me to think I'd ruined my chances.

roarfeckingroarr · 02/11/2020 20:30

Another one who slept with my now fiancé the day we met. Currently cuddling two week old DS on the sofa while he cooks dinner. Wedding on hold but only due to COVID. If it felt right, don't regret it.

Pinkypie86 · 02/11/2020 20:42

I hope he replies!!
This texting malarkey is a bugger isn't it?

I met my DP ( 4 years ) and slept with him on the first date - he messaged and asked what I wanted to do, I said " something spontaneous " he told me to pack an over night bag and be ready in an hour!
We have barely left each others side since.

Do not feel guilty for having sex with someone though - it does not make you any of those things!
Own it, enjoy it and have fun. You're so young.

Cordial11 · 02/11/2020 20:42

Hmmm intrested to see what happens Halloween Blush

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