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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first date regret

570 replies

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 14:59

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

OP posts:
Rockinmomma · 02/11/2020 18:40

Ahhhhhh fingers crossed for you OP Grin

SoulofanAggron · 02/11/2020 18:41

Try not to panic yet. Smile xx

Civilhelp · 02/11/2020 18:45

Good luck op

Sunsetdawn · 02/11/2020 18:47

Say something kind about him being knackered, then leave him in peace. He'll be back if you give him a chance to sort himself out and have a bite to eat.
Go have a bubbly bath and turn you phone off for a bit.
From mother of adult sons and daughters. I have seen it all Flowers

Crystal87 · 02/11/2020 18:49

I'd let him text you again before you text him. He hasn't started up a conversation with that text, so I would wait to see if he does later on.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 18:50

Don’t chase again for the meal. He’s not an idiot he knows.

Just message back something light like “ lol, early night then?😃 “ and leave it there,

Coronawireless · 02/11/2020 18:52

You sound so lovely OP!
He really should be making more of an effort after what happened last night. He must know you’d have been thinking about it today.
He may contact you again but frankly I’m not sure if he deserves you.

SunscreenCentral · 02/11/2020 18:53

What Crystal87 said!

pumpkinpie01 · 02/11/2020 18:58

I would put back ' me too' and a winking face . Up to him to respond to that . Let us know thou 😀

anxiousanxiety · 02/11/2020 18:58

I'd reply and say, I hope you manage to have a relaxing evening.
Let me know if you fancy a meal on weds and I'll try and book something

FizzyPink · 02/11/2020 18:59

I’ve had it both ways tbh and used to get so annoyed at myself if I slept with them on the first date. That makes me sound like such a floozy but I was single for most of my 20s Blush

DP and I slept together on the first date and I was so annoyed that we’d had a lovely time and I’d “ruined” it by inviting him home. Actually he woke up and suggested he go home to freshen up and then we meet later for some lunch and a trip to the cinema.
If he’s a keeper it won’t matter whether you slept with him early on or not.

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 19:05

Awww thanks so much everyone Flowers I might give him time to wind down etc so I'm gonna eat, shower etc and see if he sends something by then. If not I'll decide what to reply later!! Thanks everyone xxx

OP posts:
Etinox · 02/11/2020 19:09

It doesn’t sound as if he’s gone cold at all but if he has, it’s not the end of the world!

If ever anyone should have a free pass for an out of character ons, it’s just as we’re going into another lockdown after a socially distanced year.
Flowers

Manxiety · 02/11/2020 19:10

Be bold. Say 'I'll let you rest tonight then 😜 and book X for Weds, as it's our last night of freedom it's bound to be booking up. Looking forward to it.'

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 19:13

@Manxiety

Be bold. Say 'I'll let you rest tonight then 😜 and book X for Weds, as it's our last night of freedom it's bound to be booking up. Looking forward to it.'
Don’t do this, if he doesn’t wish to see you or do wed you can’t force him like this.
Zolaanna · 02/11/2020 19:17

Going against the grain here. I don't think he's interested. He's replied out of courtesy but he sounds like he's not enthusiastic or interested.
He's not asking questions or following up with another date.
I reackon deep down that's why you're waiting for his messages and stressing

Veterinari · 02/11/2020 19:18

I can't help but feel like I did something wrong, I know plenty of people have sex on the first date and I shouldn't feel ashamed but I don't really know why I did it!

God this is depressing @lugzy083 you're a healthy young woman who had safe enjoyable consensual sex. For god's sake please try and overcome your internalised misogyny that judges women and expects to be judged simply for being an adult. You aren't judging him - why hold yourself to a different standard?

workshy44 · 02/11/2020 19:21

I agree with Zolaana- he ignored the meal request and replied out of politeness. I would reply with me too or something and leave it at that. I doubt you will hear from him again I’m afraid

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2020 19:25

I'm with @Veterinari

If he wants to see you again and that works, great!

If he doesn't, it sounds like you had an enjoyable shag, also great.

There's no value judgement having enjoyable sex. I wish I'd had more at your age. We get caught up in morality when it's not really that. If you don't want to have first date sex, don't. But I've had relationships with everything from first date sex to waiting months. And I've had happy one night stands. It's all good as long as everyone is safe and consenting.

iluvgab · 02/11/2020 19:29

He is a really gentle and nice guy,

I read this and inwardly groaned. "Nice guys" are never nice...
and then lo and behold, somehow you end up in a hotel having sex on the first date.
I don't think this will go anywhere so don't get your hopes up.
Don't mention the meal out - let him suggest arrangements for this and if he doesn't then you'll know he isn't interested.

Don't regret the first date sex though. It happened. You really enjoyed it.

Shaniac · 02/11/2020 19:33

He really should be making more of an effort after what happened last night.

Wtf does this even mean? They had a nice shag, completely normal and fun, she didnt witness him murder someone. Some weird attitudes on here about feeling guilty and regretting a first date shag. Depressing.

Who knows just acknowledge his tired text and leave the ball in his court.

Coronawireless · 02/11/2020 19:45

@Shaniac

He really should be making more of an effort after what happened last night.

Wtf does this even mean? They had a nice shag, completely normal and fun, she didnt witness him murder someone. Some weird attitudes on here about feeling guilty and regretting a first date shag. Depressing.

Who knows just acknowledge his tired text and leave the ball in his court.

Nothing wrong with a nice shag if that’s all you’re after. Good luck to you if that’s what you want. In this case it sounds from the OP as though she genuinely liked this man, would like to have an emotional relationship with him and will be sorry if he fails to contact her again. Nothing wrong with that either! I dislike the way women feel obliged to pretend they’re cool with it when someone they like doesn’t contact them after they’ve had sex.
Untangled87 · 02/11/2020 19:47

I read this and inwardly groaned. "Nice guys" are never nice...
and then lo and behold, somehow you end up in a hotel having sex on the first date.

Yes, but she wanted to have sex on the first date too, so she's clearly not a nice girl. So they seem to be perfectly suited to each other Smile

(Or are we only allowed to slut shame guys on here?)

MLMbotsgoaway · 02/11/2020 19:48

Haha you habe the whole of MN overthinking on your behalf now!

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 19:50

Wow, thanks untangled, I didn't really realise having sex on a first date correlated with how nice someone is Confused would probably have been better keeping your opinion to yourself

OP posts: