first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

What seemed really creepy about this guy though is that he initially came across, from what the OP said, as really sweet and gentle.

If it had been sexually charged banter from the start then it would have been a more level playing field. But this guy seems to have targeted a nice girl who was probably looking for a relationship and pretty much incited her into sex. It's the horrid premeditation that's wrong IMO.

Stuartnorthwich unfortunately though, you cannot coerce unwilling people into sex. If people find someone else unattractive, or they are unlikely to make them feel secure, or there are warning flags over anything they say or do, you can't insult them into sex.

As for the hate on this board against men - mmn no I think its obvious that people are distinguishing between the many decent men out there and the men who just want to use women for sex and then drop them and/or treat them badly and who will lie or future fake to get it.

You really think there are lots of women wanting to go through what the OP has gone through? Why would someone want such a hideous experience? You are dangerously deluded, and so is your constant target to g of women with your deluded, anti-social insults.

Any browse of the comments section on even mainstream media eg the Daily Mail will show that there is a level of frequent and abusive comments against women. There are many online sites set up where men can talk about coercive techniques, "negging", abuse of women, etc. And then when people discuss how unacceptable it is, to make other women aware, you insult them?

Oh come on. How stupid do you think someone would have to be to fall for that twaddle?

Oh, and if I found out that my partner had written the messages you had written on here ((you claim not to be single) then I would dump you. You are so abusive towards woman, and evidently quite obsessive in that abuse in that you've actually gone to the trouble of creating a second account, that I wouldn't want to risk my safety by being anywhere near you. Who on earth with any options would want to be someone like you?

Very disturbing to read, although you unwittingly gave a perfect example on this thread about what women are up against.

@IncandescentSilver

Oh, and if I found out that my partner had written the messages you had written on here ((you claim not to be single) then I would dump you. You are so abusive towards woman, and evidently quite obsessive in that abuse in that you've actually gone to the trouble of creating a second account, that I wouldn't want to risk my safety by being anywhere near you. Who on earth with any options would want to be someone like you?

Very disturbing to read, although you unwittingly gave a perfect example on this thread about what women are up against.

This, 100%

He really won't take no for an answer, in essence.

Creating an alternative account to basically say right, the conversation is NOW over because I have said so. Must. Remain. In. Control. Of. Conversation.

Instead of reflecting on why he's actually had so much negative feedback (attitude and misogyny, not penis) he's lashed out.

You know who gets angry when women don't submit and do as they're told? Misogynists. You know who thinks women hate men if they don't find them attractive / bright / entertaining? Incels.

I've done so much bad dating in my time!

Once I googled dating advice and ended up down a terrible rabbithole of websites telling men how to manipulate women into sex. ALL WOMEN DATING SHOULD DO THIS SEARCH! KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST! I went on a date with a guy who did everything I had read on these websites, to the letter. I thought there must be a hidden camera.

One of the tips was "close on the second date at the start of the first date" so it sounds like your guy got that memo OP.

After making a lot of mistakes and getting to know myself, my rule for myself when I was dating was "never sleep with a guy on the first few dates unless I'd HONESTLY not care if he ghosted me after." Once I lived by this I stopped getting hurt.

On our first date my now-fiance went down on me so I'm no puritan. But I didn't sleep with him until we had been dating for about a month. I had had an enormous crush on him for seven years so I knew I wouldn't be able to cope if he only wanted casual sex. Initially he was only casually into me whereas I knew I wanted a relationship. Years later he told me that if I'd slept with him straight away he would probably have moved on and thought "well that was easy, I wonder who else I can do it with." And my partner is not a horrible misogynist.

So I disagree with all the people saying that it doesn't matter when you have sex, and if he ghosted you now he'd ghost you later. I think sex can often - of course not always - have a causal effect on what happens next, for both men and women. It can arrest the buildup and make someone's attention wane. By all means have sex if you want to, there's no shame in it, but be realistic - it can change how things go, and if you wanted more than sex you can end up hurt.

I don't see this as playing games. It's basic human behaviour. People value stuff that's harder to get. Too easy is boring, anticipation heightens desire. This is all just my opinion of course! No offence and love all the stories of people who slept with their long term partners on the first date.

Oh come on. Why do you think he didn't say to her BEFORE he suggested the hotel "I don't really ever see us being together long-term by the way, so that dinner I suggested this week - forget it"?Because he knew she would say no
@Fr0thandBubble, because, as I’ve already said, one can have a pleasant date, think you’d like to progress, but feel differently after sex. You simply can’t tell if you’re sexually compatible until after you’ve fucked, and if either person thinks the sex didn’t really do it for them they are perfectly within their rights to stop the budding relationship. It does not mean there was malice aforethought, you’re making assumptions! I’ve been there, yet I’m a woman, and I certainly wasn’t out to dupe the man I slept with. Sometimes you just don't fit well together genitally, meaning, no matter how technically competent you are and how much you like the other person, it doesn't quite hit the right spots.

techway being rejected after a shag isn't a toxic relationship and you are waaaay over egging it
SEX IS NON BINDING. Nobody is owed a single thing after sex. Stop pushing the mentality that women are victims of their own sex drive
*@Gilda1528, couldn’t agree more. Women are their own worse enemies by placing this outdated level of importance on sex, and attaching the victim label on themselves when they are rejected after intimacy as though they’ve been robbed of something.

Just to drag this out further (and by the way CandidaAlbicans I don't have sex without dating first and without the liklihood of a LTR, as that is my (and many others' preference), I've been the lucky recipient of not one, but 3, pms from someone called Baz1978 who appears to be the recinarnate of StuartNorthwich. Here is some of the stuff I've received, which would explain why he and his "lads" are talking about women rather than getting any action:

"Just been chatting to some of the lads and Dave another MAN said to quote him " mate no wonder no one wants the dried up withered man hating bitch, she probably has the face of zelda from the terrahawks and a cunt like a wizards sleeve!...lol Dave isnt one to mince his words I'm afraid dear. He also said tell her to get back to the knitting. BTW as my account is due for deletion I posted this on your dating thread , all the lads are laughing at you here love.

I doubt your inability to get a man has anything to do with "geographical areas" but more down to the fact when stating " There has not been a single normal one amongst them. I get a lot of compliments in real life - sorry, stealth boast but relevant - but I'm beginning to wonder if the men in my city using OLD don't actually like attractive, well educated women." that you are clearly a self absorbed narcissist with delusions of grandeur with your head so far up your own backside you would struggle to find your way out!"

"My comment on the thread which I sent in the first pm is still up lmao! It's great knowing Ive put you in your place as the insignificant worm that you are! I will have last laugh because when my account is deleted you won't have a chance to reply so I have had last laugh ..a man has owned you now back to the knitting you go you revolting smelly cunt ! Incidentally I shall now take my lady to bed as she is feeling a bit tired after doing the housework all day - she knows her place you see"

"Just been chatting to some of the lads and Dave another MAN said to quote him " mate no wonder no one wants the dried up withered man hating bitch, she probably has the face of zelda from the terrahawks and a cunt like a wizards sleeve!...lol Dave isnt one to mince his words I'm afraid dear. He also said tell her to get back to the knitting. BTW as my account is due for deletion I posted this on your dating thread , all the lads are laughing at you here love.

I doubt your inability to get a man has anything to do with "geographical areas" but more down to the fact when stating " There has not been a single normal one amongst them. I get a lot of compliments in real life - sorry, stealth boast but relevant - but I'm beginning to wonder if the men in my city using OLD don't actually like attractive, well educated women." that you are clearly a self absorbed narcissist with delusions of grandeur with your head so far up your own backside you would struggle to find your way out!"

@IncandescentSilver

What a disgusting set of messages to receive. I am shocked and fucking pissed off on your behalf.
I don't want to give baz1978 too much indirect attention, ( although feel free to send a pm to me as well, you tedious little man) because obviously feeding the troll is actually a pretty stupid thing to do. I'm sorry you had to read those awful words and it might take a second to shake them off . He obviously knows bugger all about you , and just in case it helps , I'll say that you are absolutely beautiful, stunning and kind. And someone I admire.... I don't know you. These words are irrelevant because of that. But I mean them a lot more than he does.

I think its fabulously funny that someone has spent their Friday evening doing that! (I'm very confident in myself so not at all upsetting or anything). The only thing that would upset me would be to actually have to spend time in the company of anyone that awful.

It really goes to show how careful you have to be out there though.

The messages are titled as well!

"The Reason No Man Wants You lol"
"re You Being Owned by a Man"
"I have had last laugh after all cunty"

I have no doubt you have the self belief and confidence to not get upset with it. I think though....It just ..... Redefines the word cringeworthy doesn't it? It's so embarrassing that a person has to resort to these tactics in order to make themselves feel better. People who seek to bring others down in order to make themselves feel better, well they need to take a look at why ...... Baz1978. Seriously. I'm not being goady.... Maybe you need to look at why your like that?

The titles all have a certain style about them don't they? There's not really much guessing about content? Oh I really hope baz1978, isn't 42!!! My husband is 42, and most people his age are much more mature than that!

@IncandescentSilver wow I’m so mortified for him to even CARE enough to send those messages 🤦🏽‍♀️. Sad cunt

God that is one angry bitter man sending those PMs. You clearly bothered him a lot.

Anyway back to the OP.

Some tough love - feel free to scroll by if you're not in the humour.

These things will happen. Men can lose interest after sex. The likelihood of this happening increases if they get sex before they have developed an emotional attachment to you separately. Working hard for something / someone makes it seem more appealing.

That may not be right but don't delude yourself that it's not a reality.

You need to protect yourself and be honest with yourself about who you are. If you are the type to have a great sexual adventure and enjoy it for what it was then brilliant. If you're going to feel upset that it doesn't develop into something else then simply do not put yourself in that position.

He doesn't owe you anything because you slept together. He is entitled to change his mind about another date. You don't know him. You don't know if he's a nice guy. Take your time if these situations are going to hurt you.

And (sorry if this seems to be getting the boot in) there was no need to bring up the dinner date. If he was keen he would have been booking it in. Always imagine how someone would behave if they were crazy about you and let that be your standard. Don't fall into the trap of 'i just needed to know where I stand'. That's for you to decide, not him.

Let's say there was a loose plan for dinner and he hadn't confirmed on the day. He has changed his mind, forgotten or keeping his options open. None of these situations are good enough. No way should you be checking to 'find out where you stand'. He might even agree at this stage as his other potential plans fell through.

If he messages you on the day "are we still having dinner?" it is tempting to accept but don't do it. You're a last minute plan and he knows you had nothing better to do or were keeping the night free for him. It doesn't paint an attractive picture.

"Oh I'm so sorry. I hadn't heard from you so wasn't sure if it was going ahead. I've made other plans now. I'd love to some other time." Don't try to lock him into another time, just put it out there, breezy, busy, cheerful. If he is interested he will confirm with notice this time. If he's not, you haven't put yourself in a position where you end up hurt.

What a bitter sad bastard that @baz1978 must be. He is probably a balding, fat little prick who hasn't seen his own little prick for years. I doubt he has a girlfriend and if he does knows the first thing about pleasing her and she probably just lies back and puts up with his meagre administrations.

Who knows? I slept with exH on 1st date, we married and had 2 children. Married for 11 years, it didn't last but years after the fallout we get on. & Have always co-parented well.

There are no guarantees and nobody here can tell you what's in this man's mind. Good luck, tho. He's at work, doesn't necessarily mean he's gone. Although I do think, takes less than 30 seconds to send a quick text reply, doesn't it?

Also what isthisnothing said

Baz/Stuart/Dave all sound as though they're in their sixties/seventies, judging by their dated use of language (not to mention their attitudes) I have an impression of those wizened old faces on Tinder, claiming to be 20 years younger than they actually are, blaming women for ignoring them.