first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

Yessss, Gilda

100% agree that porn has horribly muddied the waters but psst. Its not just teenage boys watching it. Porn is normalised to all sexes now thanks to smartphones. The best thing we can do is build resilient savvy strong daughters who understand that sex is not a contract and its nothing to be ashamed of and the you should neither owe nor demand anything of a sexual partner when you are not in a committed relationship with them. Don't dumb women down.

In my experience from dating and male friends is the most men are open to a relationship with their ideal type / dream girl. They can very from player to actively wanting to settle down .

They will go on a date with a girl they find attractive and think well if she blows my mind I will carry it on and go for something serious -most of the time this doesn’t happen . They aren’t really that honest about their intentions ‘I will sleep with you ,but you aren’t really for me’ because they wouldn’t get laid that way . A bit like a woman taking a free meal with a guy she doesn’t fancy ( my male friend says this does happen ).

A ‘rejection’ after one date like this isn’t really a rejection as this lad doesn’t know op . He was presuming op wanted something with him. I do think men like this are forward , not exactly shy !

Casual sex / hotel sex should be taken as a one night thing unless all parties agree otherwise .I do agree that you can have something after sex on a first date . Safety wise , I do think you need to be careful as this lad could be anyone . Works both ways- the female could be violent etc . No one knows .

There is such a victim mentality here in this thread: as @Gilda152 says, sex is always non-binding, and as an adult of either sex you should be prepared for the eventuality that someone might not want to take things further after sleeping together. You might have talked about going to dinner but someone can opt out at any point or they might be non-comital about the plans, it’s just the way it is. If you don’t like having sex that isn’t guaranteed to be part of something more meaningful then by all means wait. By all means feel annoyed if you were expecting dinner and then don’t hear back. I’ve done the same myself – gone on a date, talked about doing something again another evening and kissed like mad all night – then realised later that it’s probably not going to go anywhere and cancelled the next date.

It is weird if it was a ‘plan’ on his part (I’d have thought there are enough people out there up for a ONS / casual sex so seems unnecessary to mislead) but ultimately you can never know the agenda of a person you’ve never met before. Of course it’s disappointing if you were hoping to meet up again, but you had sex because you wanted to – you have to accept that the encounter still might not go anywhere. Doesn’t mean these men are evil geniuses going out seducing nice women with promises of dinner.

Could it not be perhaps that the Op who refers to grown men in their late 20s as " boys" is simply not mature enough to accept in the world of dating and consensual sex many men ( and women) don't wish to commit to relationships

Well said @StuartNorwich.

Well stuartnorwich I'm 49 and I'm with you but I still refer to my 43 year old husband of 6 years (who I slept with on the first date, in a hotel no less) as a boy. So that's neither here nor there or possibly I'm also very immature

He then sends a civil text saying sorry he isn't interested and gets called misogynist/ vermin again by the womens lib front so whatever he does he is the lowest of the low yet a consenting partner who went to the hotel deserves better. Some of the older ladies on here have left sensible comments but is it any wonder many men stay single instead of this ridiculous double standard behaviour with what amounts to whining banshees despising the male gender. There is even what appears to be a subservient male named " I come in peace " on the thread apologising for the male race due to a man not initiating conversations after a one night stand.

If you regularly use expressions such as 'women's lib front' and 'whining banshees', I'm not surprised you're single, @StuartNorwich.

Do you have an emotional tin ear, or do you not get that the OP is upset and feels sexually rejected, and people are exaggerating their outrage at the guy's behaviour to comfort her and big her up?

@StuartNorwich well said.

@Gaoth

He then sends a civil text saying sorry he isn't interested and gets called misogynist/ vermin again by the womens lib front so whatever he does he is the lowest of the low yet a consenting partner who went to the hotel deserves better. Some of the older ladies on here have left sensible comments but is it any wonder many men stay single instead of this ridiculous double standard behaviour with what amounts to whining banshees despising the male gender. There is even what appears to be a subservient male named " I come in peace " on the thread apologising for the male race due to a man not initiating conversations after a one night stand.

If you regularly use expressions such as 'women's lib front' and 'whining banshees', I'm not surprised you're single, @StuartNorwich.

Do you have an emotional tin ear, or do you not get that the OP is upset and feels sexually rejected, and people are exaggerating their outrage at the guy's behaviour to comfort her and big her up?

people are exaggerating their outrage at the guy's behaviour to comfort her and big her up?

I'd love to see the reaction if a male said the same thing about a female and the woman was labelled as a "b1tch" etc to make the male feel better. I suspect the meltdown from the misogyny brigade would be spectacular.

I'm not single, but then I wouldn't date someone as emotionally immature as people typing some of the comments I've read on here

It's OK Stuart - you can say bitch. We won't drop our smelling salts.

@notanotherlasagne

It's OK Stuart - you can say bitch. We won't drop our smelling salts.

lol

I'd love to see the reaction if a male said the same thing about a female and the woman was labelled as a "b1tch" etc to make the male feel better. I suspect the meltdown from the misogyny brigade would be spectacular.

Grow up, @StuartNorwich. Why would you actually arrive on a female dominated site on the thread of someone who is upset because she feels sexually rejected after what she thought was romantic, early-date sex, to fling around misogynistic insults? I mean, don't you have a hobby? Counting planes? Regrouting the bathroom with your earwax?

I'm not single, but then I wouldn't date someone as emotionally immature as people typing some of the comments I've read on here

Well, colour me personally devastated.

@Gaoth

I'd love to see the reaction if a male said the same thing about a female and the woman was labelled as a "b1tch" etc to make the male feel better. I suspect the meltdown from the misogyny brigade would be spectacular.

Grow up, @StuartNorwich. Why would you actually arrive on a female dominated site on the thread of someone who is upset because she feels sexually rejected after what she thought was romantic, early-date sex, to fling around misogynistic insults? I mean, don't you have a hobby? Counting planes? Regrouting the bathroom with your earwax?

I'm not single, but then I wouldn't date someone as emotionally immature as people typing some of the comments I've read on here

Well, colour me personally devastated.

so a poster comes on here , you accuse them of misogyny , the old tired rhetoric and then proceed to throw out childish insults about " counting planes/ regrouting the bathroom with earwax"

People like you destroy any forum because if I return the insults your clique of online friends would accuse me of sexism and I'd probably get banned. I don't think anyone that has just typed your post should be telling others to " grow up". My points are perfectly valid yet you resort to this - pathetic

@StuartNorwich

Have you ANY idea of what groups of men say about women who have rejected them? I work as the only female colleague in an engineering company and the dialogue is disgusting! Why are you trying to portray men as the victim of woman's ire? Double standards! Don't make me laugh. Men aren't victims, and the guy in the OPs case was not a good man, just by his last message he sent her he proved that. You come on here and call a young OP who was looking for support immature and worse ( I won't repeat what you said as your message as been deleted) . Maybe you need to take a look at the bigger picture and let people just have an opinion.

REVERSE OP- I went on a date with a guy and we ended up in a hotel room having consensual sex. Afterwards I wasn’t really feeling it so I eased off the texting a bit. Anyway he kept sending me messages and stalking me online so I decided it was best to be honest and tell him I wasn’t really seeing anything long term with him, to which he just completely ghosted me and started a thread on a male dominated forum where they have spend the last week or so slagging me off! AIBU?

MUMSNET responses-

Aww hun, don’t worry you did nothing wrong!

If you weren’t ready to commit, you were right to be honest with him. I can’t believe he didn’t reply to you though, what a bastard!

He sounds like a weirdo stalker! You made the right decision, you’re only young once-play the field while you can

YADDDNBU and I can’t believe he’s been slagging you off on an Internet forum with randomers! That makes me sick, what a dickhead!

You get my drift?

@Bluemooninmyeyes1 okay but “kept texting” and “stalking online”?? Firstly I texted him one message at a time and didn’t even reply after his last two. Also, WhatsApp shows when someone is online so I’d hardly call that stalking!!!
I’m still relatively young and was in a long term relationship for years so I’m really out of the dating game here. All I was doing was seeking some advice and support and I’m grateful for everyone who took the time to advise me and give some great advice that I will take forward!

Good luck OP. Imo he didn't necessarily do anything wrong until the last message (as none of us have any idea if he had a big cunning plan to get you to a hotel room from the start, or if it just naturally developed and then he decided not take things further, which is fair enough, and he did not ghost you). However, where he fell down was in his last msg to you, which seemed to just stick the boot in, unnecessarily - you clearly would have got the msg from his previous text, and, as you said, had not even replied to it. So imo that last msg was just cruel and arrogant, and completely unnecessary; you knew where you stood by that stage. Good luck for the future! :-)

Lugzy! You're being too nice again! Don't take any shit off these men who are posting.

@Bluemooninmyeyes1 that is way off the mark and really unnecessarily unpleasant.

At least he put you in the picture and didn't ghost you. A good night together deserves at least that, even if he could have said it better.
I hope you meet someone who is an even better match before long.

@Fr0thandBubble firstly, I’m not a man (wow, yes not all us women are man haters like you are) and secondly you are exactly who my post was aimed at so I’m glad it’s caused you some offence.

@Bluemooninmyeyes1 You didn't cause me offence, I just don't think you seem like a very nice person.

@Fr0thandBubble I don’t tend to associate myself with angry, man-hating keyboard warriors so that’s fine by me hun.

Stuart Northwich many men (and women) do not wish to commit to relationships

Here is the crux of the matter. The age old problem of men who want sex but not a relationship.

Here we see an explaination how, conveniently, roughly the same number of women want sex but not relationships as well.

Except that isn't true (and this thread is an example). It might be that Stuartnorthwich has had his views coloured by the type of woman he can get, (as a subset of the type of women he actually wants).

In a world where women are seen to have a sell by date for marriage and babies, not that many want sex without relationships.

So how do men solve the issue? By leading women on and then dumping them after sex (remember to be grateful for a curt text message)? By constant vigilance on Tinder etc for the few women that say they're into hook ups? By keeping a girlfriend to ensure regular supply, even when they'd rather not?

How do they achieve regular sex without relationships? Do they just not get it that often, with prolonged dry periods? Do they not care about how attracted they are to the women they shag, as long as they get sex? Is sex with strangers all the time that good anyway? What about the risk of stds?

And then, having achieved their goal of shagging around, how do they avoid that all too obvious veneer of sleziness that seems to follow men like this around, thus putting off women who have plenty of options and defeating their aim? It's kind of doable up to your mid thirties, after that, it just becomes a bit sad. IMHO there's nothing worse than a wrinkly, balding, man in his late fifties trying his seedy tactics on a younger woman and repulsing her. This actually happened to me, and I couldn't be bothered with him and his reputation for hanging round night clubs and bringing women home to shag, and told him so.

Ditto those awful men on Tinder who have no other conversation other than sex talk. Who do they actually end up having sex with? I mean, how desperate would you have to be to want one of them?

It's best to be honest and send a clear message after all!