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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first date regret

570 replies

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 14:59

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

OP posts:
IncandescentSilver · 04/11/2020 09:46

I agree with onthesafeside. I had a ONS in my twenties after a student night out, no texts afterwards (we didn't even swap numbers).

About 10 days later he sought me out in person by turning up at a place he knew I'd be, with his friend. It took him that long to get his wits about him and decide he liked me.

The problem is, this guy might have started out as shy and nice, but by doing this and then even if due to shyness, sending thuse hirriboe messages, he's managed to turn himself into a sleazy guy.

And once the pattern is established, he will think thars OK and do it again. No one wants a sleazy guy if they have options, so he's on a downward spiral.

So it might have all started from a fear of intimacy coupled with bravado on his part, but he's tainted now. I think (relative) innocence is a very under rated quality and the OP has retained hers while this guy has been very sleazy.

Notcoolmum · 04/11/2020 10:02

Actually @CandidaAlbicans2 I think he's just a bit of a bastard. He wasn't honest about what he wanted. Changing your mind is fine. Pretending to be interested to get something you want is not.

WatieKatie · 04/11/2020 10:12

@CandidaAlbicans2 I have to disagree with you in this situation.

Absolutely nothing wrong with a ONS so long as both parties are aware that this is all that it will be.
Here the OP stated that they had been in touch for some time ahead of the date and he said about a further dinner date. She met him and slept with him believing that they would be seeing one another again. He obviously had no intention of it being anything other that a ONS. He mislead her on purpose in order to sleep with her.

Whatever way you cut it, that was wrong.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 04/11/2020 10:12

@CandidaAlbicans2 I totally agree, I don’t particularly think the guy has done anything wrong. He had consensual sex with the op, replied to her messages out of politeness and then had the decency to let her know that he couldn’t see anything long term with her. Am I missing something here?

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 04/11/2020 10:25

[quote WatieKatie]@CandidaAlbicans2 I have to disagree with you in this situation.

Absolutely nothing wrong with a ONS so long as both parties are aware that this is all that it will be.
Here the OP stated that they had been in touch for some time ahead of the date and he said about a further dinner date. She met him and slept with him believing that they would be seeing one another again. He obviously had no intention of it being anything other that a ONS. He mislead her on purpose in order to sleep with her.

Whatever way you cut it, that was wrong.[/quote]
How do you know he had no intention of it being anything other than a ONS? Can you read his mind? Maybe the sex was shit, maybe she said something the next morning that freaked him out or maybe he just changed his mind? People are allowed to do that.

UpHereforDancng · 04/11/2020 10:56

OP, the thing that really jumped out at me from your first post was the hotel! Why could you not go back to his home - it's making me wonder if he has a girlfriend.

I've been skim reading all the replies on this thread as there are so many, but I can't see anyone question this yet.

workshy44 · 04/11/2020 10:57

I agree with CandidaAlbicans2 . Literally zero judgement from me but going to a cheap hotel for sex with a guy you have just met is unsafe and v v unlikely to lead to a relationship. People are judgmental, and there are double standards and he probably couldn't believe she said yes, sure she can't believe she said yes.
At least he texted you and actually said the words he wasn't interested, he had tried to let you down gently in what was an obvious brush off.
I think honestly your first instinct was right, he was interested but events lead him to change his mind about you.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/11/2020 11:01

@CandidaAlbicans2

100% agree with this.
Its a shame that if the shoe was on the other foot, they would be advocating the behaviour.
The hypocrisy by certain commentators is breathtaking sometimes and I do wonder if they understand their own prejudice.

Bunkbedpeople · 04/11/2020 11:03

Ultimately we’re all responsible for our own emotional and social state (and as a single 24 year old I don’t expect the OP will take a lot of time to move forward and forget about this situation, still time for a new Saturday date Grin !)

but that doesn’t mean we can’t and shouldn’t identify and call out calculating, manipulative and unpleasant behaviour when we see it...

Spontaneously having a physical fling with someone you meet on a night out (which I may have indulged in and which may have led to serious dating Blush) is different from someone communicating with a potential date over a few weeks and being sneaky and selective with communication and “setting them up” so the situation becomes a one night stand/hookup when a more formal dating situation was promised?

It’s like a woman getting lots of men to buy her a posh dinner as if it was a date when she know she doesn’t fancy them - it’s not technically illegal and maybe “they should be more responsible” but equally it’s a dick move to do to another human being.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/11/2020 11:03

To the OP , I hope this enpowers you to take chances in the future.
It didnt ultimately work out as you hoped (this is not your fault or his) but you had fun at the time and I think trying (even if you fail) is its own reward. I think I would feel worse if I hadn't done anything.

JaffaCake70 · 04/11/2020 11:05

@UpHereforDancng

OP, the thing that really jumped out at me from your first post was the hotel! Why could you not go back to his home - it's making me wonder if he has a girlfriend.

I've been skim reading all the replies on this thread as there are so many, but I can't see anyone question this yet.

I think maybe a hotel is a safer option than going back to someone's house. At least a hotel is usually populated by other people who would hear you if you were being attacked or something.
jigglypuffcookie · 04/11/2020 11:11

I've been following this op and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out.

Having done something similar and thinking was it something I did/said? Am I ugly etc I know it stings. Hard to understand how someone you've been messaging so much for so long can suddenly stop.

Just know it's not you and nothing you did or didn't do! X

HibiscusNell · 04/11/2020 11:14

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@CandidaAlbicans2

100% agree with this.
Its a shame that if the shoe was on the other foot, they would be advocating the behaviour.
The hypocrisy by certain commentators is breathtaking sometimes and I do wonder if they understand their own prejudice.[/quote]
I agree with this too. He's not been dishonest. He's let you know he isn't interested. I think it's ok to do that by text. Would anyone really prefer that he phone you to tell you!!!
You had a date and a consensual shag - the fact the OP regrets the shag is a shame but it was completely her choice. It's not like she asked him beforehand if the shag meant they were going to start dating.
Some of the comments on this thread are so old fashioned and sexist. Lots of posters seem to be into game playing too.

The guy has been honest - fair play to him. 💁🏻‍♀️
I don't think the OP has anything to feel bad about. Just because one guy doesn't want to date you it doesn't mean anything bad about you!

SweetCruciferous · 04/11/2020 11:20

Yep agree @HibiscusNell

Crystal87 · 04/11/2020 11:33

You'll meet someone better OP. Good riddance to this guy. Nothing about him sounds appealing. When you meet the man for you, you'll know how they feel about you because you won't be in any doubt and their actions match their words.

Techway · 04/11/2020 11:33

Literally zero judgement from me but going to a cheap hotel for sex with a guy you have just met is unsafe

No judgement either re ONS but surely it's not much safer going to their house or even yours?

Those who have ONS do you worry about the safety and practical side, or am I the only one that can leave my bedroom wrecked whilst preparing for a night out 😃

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2020 11:45

No judgement either re ONS but surely it's not much safer going to their house or even yours

I don’t think either are safe, no guarantee someone can hear you scream in a hotel and plenty of appalling crimes have been committed both at home and in hotels, there is no one hundred percent safe option. If you meet a stranger and go someplace alone and get naked with them, you’re immediately vulnerable, Yes most will be safe, but plenty of rape, abuse, and shocking things have occured in both locations.

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2020 11:54

I think the issue is texting and phone calls leads people to a false sense of security, of course one night stands have existed for ever, and of course there has always been a risk, but I think whereas before it was booze, now it’s also folks think they know the other person because they texted and chatted on the phone, and they don’t. It is still a stranger, a couple of hours in a bar doesn’t change that.

workshy44 · 04/11/2020 12:11

Very good point Bluntness. Where I am from a women was murdered after meeting someone online then meeting then in a hotel for the first time. It was a one off for her and she paid with her life. On paper he seemed a catch, good looking , funny etc

I do take issue with all these people saying she had "safe" sex. There was nothing safe about the encounter as far as I can see and would be horrified if either my son or daughter did the same. Nothing to do with puritanical attitude to sex - purely from a safety side.

userxx · 04/11/2020 12:22

Those who have ONS do you worry about the safety and practical side, or am I the only one that can leave my bedroom wrecked whilst preparing for a night out

I knew someone who would arrange a date rather than sit in alone on a Saturday night, she had never met the person and would drive miles to stay at their houses. Insane.

overnightangel · 04/11/2020 12:26

Why men love bitches aka “How to change yourself so a man likes you”
No ta

heartshapedfaces · 04/11/2020 12:27

@lugzy083

He didn’t even apologise, just said ‘I don’t see myself ever being with you long term if I’m completely honest’
why should he apologise for that?
Nicolastuffedone · 04/11/2020 12:28

.......because no-one has ever been murdered in a hotel. It’s not safe anywhere with a complete stranger! Who’s going to hear you being strangled??

namechange20202020 · 04/11/2020 13:07

@Bunkbedpeople

Ultimately we’re all responsible for our own emotional and social state (and as a single 24 year old I don’t expect the OP will take a lot of time to move forward and forget about this situation, still time for a new Saturday date Grin !)

but that doesn’t mean we can’t and shouldn’t identify and call out calculating, manipulative and unpleasant behaviour when we see it...

Spontaneously having a physical fling with someone you meet on a night out (which I may have indulged in and which may have led to serious dating Blush) is different from someone communicating with a potential date over a few weeks and being sneaky and selective with communication and “setting them up” so the situation becomes a one night stand/hookup when a more formal dating situation was promised?

It’s like a woman getting lots of men to buy her a posh dinner as if it was a date when she know she doesn’t fancy them - it’s not technically illegal and maybe “they should be more responsible” but equally it’s a dick move to do to another human being.

This
Aparttogether · 04/11/2020 13:45

Personally I would be worried about catching coronavirus by having sex with randoms. 1 in 40 people in my area currently have it so the thought of that puts me off dating at all at the moment and certainly not sharing bodily fluids. This guy could be meeting someone else tonight and going to the same seedy hotel with an unsuspecting date.

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