first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

Definitely all on him that. What a weapon!
Chin up lovely and just take it as a life lesson and move on.
I dated a guy from around 3 months 4 years ago after I divorced my husband of 8 years. He introduced me to his kids and we spent time as a 'family' unit (even went away for a weekend!) Then he went to Glastonbury festival and completely blanked me when he got back. Literally took me about a month of pestering him for me to get stuff back that I left at his. I mean what the hell?!?!
Apparently its normal in the world of dating these days!

I then met a lovely guy through a friend and we have been together 4 years, bought a house and are engaged so there is light at the end of the tunnel xx

It’s much easier to ghost than to dump someone/tell them you’re not interested if you have even a modicum of empathy.

Sorry, this is rubbish. If you have a modicum of empathy you give the other person closure. Ghosting someone is the sign of a coward and has absolutely zero to do with empathy.

OP I realise you probably just want to move on now, but I've reread your first post three times in the course of this thread, and each time I'm a bit more disturbed by it.

Can I ask, did you meet through OLD or have you a public social profile and he DM'd you, or was it through mutual friends (which I'm thinking is unlikely)?

A lot of PPs are focusing on him being just a user for his behaviour towards you or they're saying good on you for having a fun night and to just move on, but I think his behaviour is a lot worse and far more predatory than that.

What he did just seems so planned in advance and I'm wondering if he's done this before and will do it again, all while coming across as a very sweet, gentle and affectionate guy.

I think you dodged a bullet there...

The CCTV footage of the night Grace Millane was murdered in 2018 shows her killer hugging her when they meet and walking back to his hotel with his arm around her.

He then went on to choke her to death during sex and then took photos of her private parts after she'd died.

Your guy may not be a killer OP, but I really think a man who builds trust in a woman over a matter of weeks, leading up to what was clearly only ever going to be a ONS in a hotel, is showing a very similar attitude to women that Grace Millane's killer had.

@UpHereforDancng no worries! We matched on hinge haha and then he messaged me first. It’s scary thinking about it, what is it in particular that disturbed you most about it? Just so I know what weird signs to look out for if I need to hahaha.
Grace Millane lived fairly local to me and we had a few mutual friends and what happened was absolutely horrific 😭 we all need to be so careful

[quote WatieKatie]@CandidaAlbicans2 I have to disagree with you in this situation.

Absolutely nothing wrong with a ONS so long as both parties are aware that this is all that it will be.
Here the OP stated that they had been in touch for some time ahead of the date and he said about a further dinner date. She met him and slept with him believing that they would be seeing one another again. He obviously had no intention of it being anything other that a ONS. He mislead her on purpose in order to sleep with her.

Whatever way you cut it, that was wrong.[/quote]
Have you never "met" someone on OLD, chatted about what you'd like to do, made plans for the future, thought you'd get on great and actually carry out those plans, only to feel differently when you meet them in the flesh and get intimate? It happens. Changing your mind does not mean you lied. A bastard would've ghosted her, which is why I think he simply didn't feel it and changed his mind.

Just because a couple have a nice date it does not mean they'll be sexually compatible, and it changes how you then feel about the person regardless of how good you felt prior. I dated a really nice man, ticked all the right boxes, was technically good at sex, but I just didn't "feel" it. So I ended it with him. It happens and is no reflection on either person, it's chemistry or lack of.

I sort of outlined it in my post just before my last one @lugzy083

I realise couples on first dates sometimes, especially when tipsy, just want to grab the nearest private space and get down to it, but
it's the sheer pre-meditated aspect of your experience that I find disturbing.

When I first read your posts I thought, along with a number of PPs, that he had just changed his mind, but the more I read your original post the more it seems, to me anyway, that he planned all along to have a ONS with you in a hotel, and made sure he achieved this by slowly gaining your trust with sweet and gentle communication over a few weeks and with a suggestion of dinner a few days after the date, before making the hotel idea seem like a spontaneous, sexy decision after you were under the influence of what was probably a fair amount of alcohol.

I don't think that's a huge leap away from a very worrying attitude towards women. You sound lovely - I have a young teenage DD and for your's and her sake I'm really hoping this behaviour isn't common among young adult men in 2020.

That's incredible that you have mutual friends with Grace Millane - my heart went out to her poor mum.

At least it was good sex. Would have been even worse if the sex wasn't even any good.

Chalk it down to experience, but don't let it put you off. Its his shallowness that did it, not you having sex.

I agree UpHereForDancing. Most 26 year old men wouldnt think of suggesting to go to a hotel to have sex, never mind knowing which one to go to and to be able to find a cheap one (£30). It all sounds very planned, even the discard at the end and the needless brutal second message.

I've come back to this thread after reassuring the OP she did nothing wrong and to view this as a good experience if possible, as she was an active participant and enjoyed herself. I have to say I'm really shocked at some of the posts. This was a consensual encounter. I've done it myself, slept with someone I either wasn't sure about wanting anything long term with (thinking this on a first meeting is way too intense anyway!) or knowing full well I didn't, but sometimes two adults can fancy each other and want sex and it's fine. Hotels are full of people sleeping with each other, it's not all business trips and holidays and sometimes it's not wanted or convenient to go home if the urge takes you.
I think it's in bad taste to bring up tragic stories- seems a bit victim blamey. Once again the onus being on the woman to prevent their own rape and murder and not on rapists and murderers. And nothing criminal happened here.

The guy OP slept with isn't a charmer and hasn't treated her well I but agree this was consensual. Maybe OP hoped that this would lead to a relationship and this guy was only after a night of sex. Of course there are dangers when meeting any new person but it's a huge leap to compare him to a killer and rapist.

@CandidaAlbicans2 I disagree.

I doubt very much before he suggested the hotel that he had any intention of seeing the OP again. In my opinion, you know within minutes of meeting someone if you want to pursue things or not - certainly within hours. He should never have suggested the hotel if he wasn't keen on pursuing things - because he knew he had already suggested a second dinner date and that that would play into the OP's response.

If he had intended to see her again but only changed his mind after they had had sex, that makes it no better - because that means he had gone off her for having sex on the first date. In other words, he encouraged her to do something which he would then judge her for, i.e., setting her up for a fall.

SO, he is either a dick who tricked her into sex or a misogynistic hypocrite. Either way, he comes out of this very badly indeed.

Can't believe anyone is sticking up for this dude.

It's just concerning to me that this man has been branded a deviant and predator just because he was decent and respectful before the sex. Most people are like that, I know I treat people well. He doesn't suddenly become 'bad' because he doesn't see a future with the OP.
You can't buy a relationship with sex, it isn't a transaction. The OP wasn't passive during this whole thing. If she had said she doesn't want to sleep with anyone outside of a relationship but the man coerced her, then I would feel differently. Sometimes a situation needs to be taken for what it actually was- two adults getting 'carried away', making a decision to sleep with each other, having fun and that's it.

Oh come on. Why do you think he didn't say to her BEFORE he suggested the hotel "I don't really ever see us being together long-term by the way, so that dinner I suggested this week - forget it"?Because he knew she would say no.

No one is saying the OP wasn't naive (I'm sure she herself would admit she was) but what this guy did was not OK.

The lack of respect so many men show towards women these days is just horrific and I worry for my daughter if this is what she faces when she grows up.

@IncandescentSilver

Oh stop making things up to make yourself sound better Bluntness. This thread is not about you.

Bubble because who sees anything long term on a first date anyway? How could he have known OP wasn't on the same page? Like I said I've done it myself with no intention of settling down with a man but just lived for the moment. People should be more upfront about what they are willing to do or not do, if it is a deal breaker. If you can communicate enough to plan sex together, then you can also say, if relevant, 'actually I don't want this unless we are together so let's leave it'.
All this 'not in my character' stuff is what I find misogynistic.

The fact that he turned down your dinner and upon getting no reply then took it upon himself to tell you there was no long term future is so silly of him - talk about trying to big himself up! Men like that are best forgotten, you dodged a bullet as he sounds like very hard work.

And yes as others have said, your silence is going to really bug him!

So many psychic men whisperers on MN... 🤣

Nobody knows why he did what he did not even OP and she's the only one who's met him!

I don't think we should normalise this behaviour though Lilac. Not only is it a well known tactic of men to lead women on by saying whatevers' necessary to get sex, some people are sensitive and don't take it well. Someone I know committed suicide after being treated in a similar way. She was only 32 and had EVERYTHING to live for.

It's that particularly nasty combination of pretending to kind and gentle and really the ideal man, and promising lunch dates in the future and then that sudden change to callous disregard. It produces emotions which are difficult to process due to cognitive dissonance.

Of course it would be helpful if these men simply stated "I want sex with you, with as little dating effort on my part first. I'm fairly likely not to want to see you again afterwards, though I might send a few abrupt texts telling you that because I don't want to think of myself as a ghoster".

Of course, very few of them would get sex, because there's no promise of a relationship or even being treated well afterwards, but less people would get hurt.

I think male behaviour is getting a lot worse, probably due to the availability of online dating, I guess in former times, there were more societal controls too - more people living in smaller communities, close to their families, maybe more people went to church, and men behaving like this would have got a bad reputation or maybe roughed up a bit. Now there's nothing to stop them, so I do think criticising them plays an important role.

@LilacPebbles There is a big difference between not knowing if it might be long-term and knowing for sure that it won't be. And I bet you anything he knew before he suggested the hotel that it wouldn't be. Because you don't change your mind just like that after having sex (unless you are a misogynist who judges women for having sex on the first date).

If there had been no mention of a second dinner date then fine, it's on OP. But he encouraged her to have sex with him on false pretences as he had already asked her on a second date. She agreed on the basis that she thought he liked her enough to want to pursue things. Turns out that wasn't the case.

I know not replying is the right thing to do but I'd be so tempted to txt back - Bloody hell, calm down, it was just dinner not a marriage proposal!

Hope you're ok x

@lugzy083, If I could go back to my 20s I would recommend women read a few books. "The gift of fear", "Why does he do that" and In Sheep's Clothing

It may seem over cautious but these books (and others) are really useful to avoid toxic or dangerous relationships. I think most of us who have naively got into poor or unsafe relationships wish we had the knowledge during the peak dating age..pre marriage and children. I am glad you were safe but a good mantra to adopt is "charm or niceness is deceptive, think of it as a verb not a trait and there is usually a motive behind it"

techway being rejected after a shag isn't a toxic relationship and you are waaaay over egging it.

SEX IS NON BINDING. Nobody is owed a single thing after sex. Stop pushing the mentality that women are victims of their own sex drive.

Incandescent I'm so sorry about your friend, I have lost loved ones to suicide but I think mental illness is the culprit and the blame should never be laid at any one person's door.
My opinion is only formed on what the OP has said and I see no deception or manipulation. Just based on this thread. Maybe he's an arse, I don't know.
Men in general are getting worse in my experience. The expectations many have are frankly disgusting and porn influenced, so I don't disagree completely although I don't agree that violence is the answer to a man not wanting to proceed with a relationship with someone in this particular case.