first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

@lugzy083

I have just read your updates. He isn't good enough for you. Lucky escape.

Good luck and as others have said you did nothing wrong
[FLOWERS]

from someone communicating with a potential date over a few weeks and being sneaky and selective with communication and “setting them up” so the situation becomes a one night stand/hookup when a more formal dating situation was promised

Do you know the man in question? Because if not you’re making a shit load of assumptions even the op is not making.

The op had the right and full ability to say no. She’s a grown woman. She knows the risks.

Let’s be clear, this was a stranger she met, who likely lied to down grade her from a lunch date to a quick walk/drink, who then joked about going to some hotel for sex and she said yes. For whatever reason. Now whether he knew he didn’t wish to see her again at that point and lied, none of us know, he may have known, her decision to go may have decided him as he lost respect (in true wanker style) or once they spent the night together he may have changed his mind based on how he felt the chemistry was.

But to say she was set up for a one night stand is going too far for me, as it absolves the op of all personal responsibility for her decisions. It makes her out to be some feeble minded woman who is incapable of making her own decisions. And I’m not ok with that.

Yes, she may have been lied to, yes she may have said yes to seal the deal, but ultimately the responsibility to say yes and go to a hotel for sex was her decision.

We don’t do any women any favours if we try to pretend they had no choice in the matter and have no responsibility.

But @Bluntness100 as @Bunkbedpeople has pointed out, the OP made decisions based on the scenario set by this man. Who had given all indications that another date was already agreed. He wasn't honest in his transactions, which would most likely have changed the decisions the OP made.

I've learnt from this and now if I choose to have sex it is with zero expectation of it leading to anything further. I do just wish people were more upfront about their intentions.

@lugzy083

He didn’t even apologise, just said ‘I don’t see myself ever being with you long term if I’m completely honest’

Fair enough, move on.

He's had a bad press on here but if you'd come on saying that you'd had a ons with a guy you'd been texting and while the sex was good you didn't think it was worth going forward with we'd all be saying let him know and move on. Just what he's done.

From what you say on you're original post you seem to have tried to move forward a lot faster than he was going.

@Notcoolmum

But *@Bluntness100 as @Bunkbedpeople* has pointed out, the OP made decisions based on the scenario set by this man. Who had given all indications that another date was already agreed. He wasn't honest in his transactions, which would most likely have changed the decisions the OP made.

I've learnt from this and now if I choose to have sex it is with zero expectation of it leading to anything further. I do just wish people were more upfront about their intentions.

I agree this is likely what happened, but no one can rule out that actually he did wish to see her again and changed his mind.

He’s allowed to do that. As big fat liar said, if a woman said “ I met this guy, we had a great date, I really wanted to see him again, and we spent the night together, but I have changed my mind, it wasn’t what I thought, do I need to go through with the next date”

No one would say well yes, take him out to dinner, you promised, all we would say is be honest and tell him straight.

Well, it's not illegal (although I believe in a few countries, getting a woman to have sex with you after false promises is illegal) but it is immoral.

And he did set the scene with false promises.

“ Well, it's not illegal (although I believe in a few countries, getting a woman to have sex with you after false promises is illegal) but it is immoral.

And he did set the scene with false promises.”

For fucks sake

I think we are one step away from someone screaming hysterically she should sue him for breach of promise. Because that fuckers not allowed to change his mind..,

To be fair (and he does sound a bit of a twat who is likely on a relationship of some sort)

• he can change his mind
• he didn’t actually ghost the OP

Bit Op sounds lovely and is sure to meet someone just as nice as her - these things actually help this to happen.

@KarmaNoMore

Do not reply! He is offended because you didn’t reply straight away to the previous message!

I guess he was expecting the drama and you just ignored him, if he was a better person who was nice but not interested, he wouldn’t have sent another message after he said he was busy (and probably say “but you never replied!” If you ever asked for an explanation).

But you ignored him... poor looser, he couldn’t handle the silence. Have a good laugh, you had the last word and managed to escape a proper loser in just a little more than 24 hours.

That's all I saw too @KarmaNoNore!

I'd be inclined to think if he truly was a genuine, straightforward person who just wants to be honest about how he was feeling, he would have sent the second message about not seeing things long term, first.

Like Karma said, you reading and not responding to the first chit chat message about him not wanting to do much in the evenings - he didn't like it. He said that with the intention of continuing his being cold and putting you off, you not responding should have been enough for him - that should have been what he wanted. Given that I imagine you normally reply fairly quickly and responsively, he would have known you'd got the gist and knew what he meant. But he didn't like it. You didn't react. The him coming back to send a second message hours later isn't likely his conscience wanting to make sure you're clear, it's his ego!

Highlighted further in how cold and unfeeling that second message is. Zero humanity or warmth in it, not even basic kindness to make you feel human, like, it was nice to meet you etc, nothing at all in his use of language other than wanting to have a little last dig. The word 'ever' sticks out as weird and unnecessary.

So rest assured OP, you don't need to feel foolish or like a dick, like Karma said, you gave him no drama, he knows you're nice, you gave him no sadness, no 'but wait!' and his ego didn't like it.

I would reply back "I never said I wanted you king term? I was quite happy to keep fucking for a bit but hey ho. Never mind. Take care".

Then dont reply and block him.

Hell be gutted that he may have missed out on a casual shag.

I agree with @WithLotsOfSprinkles0.

Who the hell does he think he is? I would have to reply telling him that he was just a penis and nothing more and there to satisfy an itch and nothing more.

Apologies for the repetition!

To those saying a hotel is a safer bet, I don't agree - Grace Millane was murdered in December 2018 by a ONS in a hotel room in Auckland.

Don't beat yourself up wondering what you did wrong-- nothing!
He just wanted a shag. He got it then has moved onto his next chase.
Try not to feel bad about it (hard I know) and at least you know now that sex on the first date, although fine for lots of people, is not for you 💐

OP has left the Thread and moved on over 24 hours ago 🌺

Can’t believe this went on for so long anyway tbh. All this obsessing over a man the op met ONCE Who hasn’t given her a second thought and is probably at the same hotel tonight with someone else

Oh I’ve been reading through and taking everything in! Thanks everyone for being so lovely and some really interesting things have been said which will definitely be remembered for next time. Still got a long way to go in terms of experience by the sounds of it haha.
He’s now removed from everything so all good. Onwards and upwards for me!

OP glad you've deleted and blocked him.

An important lesson is men lie, they lie a lot. Especially to get sex.

You were being honest in your initial dealings with him before meeting and you believed he was too.

Sadly, it is in your best interest to always assume men are lying, until they prove otherwise, with their actions. Actions.

No matter how long you chat, facetime, phone calls online, remember they are still very much a stranger. You only know them by what they've said and the likelihood of it being lies and just telling you what you want to hear us high.

There are entire groups on tactics to dupe women into sex.

Yes, we women want to have sex and many are happy with NS sex but it's not that much fun to have sex when you like them and assume they are looking for the same as you. No one likes feeling duped. Of course he can change his mind but we all know that isn't what happened.

Onwards and upwards to finding someone good.

This thread is making me quite fearful for my 13YO DD as I'm wondering now if OLD is the norm and, if it is, it can lead to a potential partner just suggesting on a first date that they go to a hotel and, because of the strange distance OLD creates, that my DD will think this is normal behaviour!!

I mentioned earlier that of the four relationships I'd had prior to marrying, including DH, I slept with all of them but one on the first date (he was the second date!) I live in a big city but, through mutual acquaintances, I knew a lot about each person before I dated them and, because of these acquaintances, I think each guy was unlikely to do anything untoward.

OLD is such alien terrain in contrast!! At its worst it's the Grace Milland murder.

*Grace Millane murder I meant to say

@UpHereforDancng you're correct for being fearful.

Boys are raised up on violent porn and they way they behave towards girls speaks volumes.

Anal, choking, other degrading sex acts are expected and girls shamed by both boys and girls for not being the sex positive cool girl.

Believing they have to go along with this and tolerate abuse, just to have a boyfriend.

So yes, have the conversation and be frank. Teenage boys are interested in having sex as much as possible. And beware older predatory men.

Have her read Why Does He do that by Lundy Bancroft about abusive men. Have her read the Rules.

I have a granddaughter and I really hate the thought of her even having to deal with guys at all. But, I know eventually she'll want a boyfriend as that's just how it works.

What I find really sad on this thread is the sarcasm from some posters when you dare to criticise a man. Obviously some people are so grateful for sex that they make up all sorts of excuses for men behaving badly, and if other women analyse it (so as to be better able to avoid the shag and run type in the future) they try and shame you.

Of course he duped the OP - he never had any intention of seeing her again, but he led her on in order to get sex. He didn't "change his mind" - his mind was already made up. Stop making excuses for men. Some men will say anything to get sex - it doesnt mean you have to make excuses for rank behaviour and try to shame other women for pointing it out.

Of course he duped the OP - he never had any intention of seeing her again, but he led her on in order to get sex

Wow, bloody hell, give the op a good kick why don’t you. He could have changed his mind, get a grip

Op, glad you’re feeling ok now, ignore some of this hysteria, it’s not about you.

Oh stop making things up to make yourself sound better Bluntness. This thread is not about you.