first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

God, I'd be tempted to reply "oh didn't think this was anything but casual sex! Phew! Have a good one" Or a thumbs up.

I'd have to sit on my hands to stop myself replying "What on earth made you think I wanted a long term relationship with YOU?"

Just block now and move on. Like a PP has said he saw his arse when you didn't reply to his 2nd to last message so had to 'save face' by sending his last message. Urgh, you've had a lucky escape really. There's someone lovely out there just waiting to meet you.

It's really not you, it's him. If you'd waited until date 3 or 6 say, he would have done the same thing, date 7 wouldn't have happened as he would have gone off by then.

There is no perfect way to know, but in conversation people find it hard to lie. So spend more 1.1 chatting time with the next one. Ask questions when he's relaxed and really listen. What he's looking for, longest relationship, gets bored easily? etc. Or, if you want to DTD have fun and know it could well be a very brief fling.

@lugzy083

UPDAAATE everyone () He's come back about 24 hours later with some bullshit excuse about how he's really tired from work this week and doesn't really want to do much in the evenings. Could be true but considering everything else I highly doubt it. I'd have so much more respect for him if he was just honest!!! So annoyed

Why don't you just phone him

@screamingchild
RTFT

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug as I know how shit this must feel. It's not even about him as a person, it's about how he has made you feel. Him sending that after a walk or a drink would have felt like mild rejection, but fairly played and sincere communication. Instead he's been so immature and selfish. I'm sorry he's made you feel like this. Put him down as one of the frogs before you meet your prince. Chin up, head high x

I would reply to this one. “Fair enough, I feel the same, to be honest”.

The next date you have, with another guy, will be way better!

Sorry to hear this, very disappointing. Whatever you do don’t reply, not even with something short or cutting, or even bother blocking, it will only feed his ego or give him closure. Completely agree with others that a complete silence will drive him crazy.

I also think he’ll be back in touch at some point, then simply reply with new phone, who dis? and ignore any further texts.

Don't respond and keep that power. No need to do the childish tit for tat stuff.

I feel he didn't like being ignored by you really, for him to message you to make sure you're aware he didn't want to be with you long term. On the face of it, we'd be inclined to think he's being upfront but in actual fact, it's one last dig. There are a lot nicer ways of saying that and better ways of handling it so I think you've dodged a bullet. Definitely don't take it personally though.

You're an adult and perfectly welcome to have sex on the first date, have one night stands if you want to, etc. If you do want to, you have to try to remember this feeling and avoid it or try to gain some emotional resilience. We're all entitled to our fun but just make sure it sits right with you emotionally and mentally and don't get overinvested too quickly. I'm only a couple of years older than you and would still find going back to dating again hard.

Good luck dating!

As hurtful as it must feel for you, at least you have found out very early on, what type of a person he is, rather than much later on.
I am just glad that you are safe, as he was someone who you did not know.
Just look upon the experience as being a fun afternoon/night, and move on.
You sound a lovely, open and honest person, and I hope you meet someone in the future who treats you as you deserve to be treated.

OP, do not take this to heart. Not everyone that does OLD wants a relationship. I would imagine this is a technique this guy uses to get himself sex. Act all nice and considerate and then go cold and rude after - hurting you so you retreat and off he goes again.

As others have said, you sound lovely. Glam up, get a few new pics for your profile and move forward.

Not everyone is up front and sincere. He is also rude and sounds full of himself. Not a good catch long term for you anyway.

Whatever you do @lugzy083 do not send him the £15 for the hotel. Firstly, it would be contacting him (and the only reason I would do that would be to say "don't worry I wouldn't want to be with someone like you long term 😂") and secondly, why should you pay for his games and disrespect. He owes you at least that hotel room for being such a sleaze and it would just feed his ego if you replied at some point to return some money in the interest of fairness.

Op, as PP have said, you have done nothing wrong. HE wanted sex only, sorry to say, regardless of the crap that was spilling from his mouth-he was saying what you wanted to hear.
If you decide to reply, send a laughing emoji. But really delete and move on. You are giving a guy you've known for one night way too much headspace.

Ah OP. We have all been there. I have learnt to have sex if I want to. But not with any expectation it will lead to more. Whether that is date 1 or date 10.

Definitely delete his messages and his number. The good thing about this is that he showed you his true colours very quickly.

It frustrates me men can't be honest. It's such poor behaviour suggesting they want more than no strings sex. At least that way we would both go into the transaction with the same understanding. Pretending they want a relationship is such shoddy, dishonest behaviour. And uncalled for when there are plenty of people happy with casual sex.

Soooo in your original post you said he was slow in texting. If a bloke is interested in you they'll text more, no excuses as they're tired or busy or whatever. Just remember, they're the hunter , you're the prize and I know it shouldn't be, but men are simple souls and still cave man !!!!

Just chalk it off and look for someone else. Do NOT text him back
, as you'll look just needy 🌸

It’s not that op didn’t do anything ‘wrong’. She already regretted the hotel/sex and wished she’d waited and that was before he ignored her and dumped her.

Trust yourself next time and have a plan in advance for the date eg how long and how to get home.

Some people aren’t into one nighters and can’t cope with the fall out.

Did this shy guy happen to be prepared with a condom? I think the nice guy is an act because his cowardice and lame excuses now are very far from nice.

Ha - had to laugh at this. The shy and nice guys always have a condom.... that's my experience anyway.
It's all an act. They are the worst wankers of all.

I don’t think it’s wrong to go to a hotel for sex with a man you’ve just met if that’s what you genuinely want to do irrelevant of what occurs after, as long as you remain safe. Ans I think it’s hard to know you’ll be safe because a man you’ve just met is a stranger. So it’s a judgement call.

I think it’s wrong if you’re doing it because you think it will some how make him like you more or seal the deal and guarantee he will want to see you again. And I suspect there was part of that going on with thr op.

If I’m completely honest in this scenario I think it would have been better for her if she’d just laughed off his jokey suggestion to get a hotel and went home. Of course she’d now be sitting thinking if I’d said yes, maybe he’d want to see me again, and we’d all be saying, you don’t want to be with someone who won’t date you unless you have sex immediately, overall though I think she’d feel better if she’d said no.

I also had a fwb for a while after ending my marriage and he suddenly stopped talking. I don't get that either. Just write a message, it's not hard.

It’s much easier to ghost than to dump someone/tell them you’re not interested if you have even a modicum of empathy. I used to really hate telling men I didn’t want to see them again as I hate upsetting or disappointing people, and didn’t want to be on the receiving end of the fall out. So I can see why ghosting is so “popular”, you can just disappear and not deal with the emotions.

How pathetic of him, I know it must feel like shit but you've honestly had a lucky escape. Its nothing you've done at all hes just a sad little man

I want to truth and a not interested text , I respect the man for doing so . I think people ghost for themselves not the other person .

I can understand ghosting when you feel the other person will react very badly though .

I think this guy only ever intended on having sex with you, nothing more, he knows that if he was honest about that it would never have happened, hence, the whole setting it up like it was a date facade. Men do this all the time because they know that if they lead a woman on she’s more likely to have sex with them than if they just ask her outright for casual sex (obviously some women do just want casual sex, but a lot don’t, and are looking for it to turn into a relationship.)

He was hoping you would continue to chase him to boost his ego and then he could pick you up again when he wanted, his ego was dented when you didn’t reply to his message and he sensed you were rejecting him, so “got in there first” so he could have the upper hand again.

He’s a twat and not a nice guy. I used to date men before realising I was gay, and this happened to me with the first and last guy I ever slept with, it happened to my friends a lot as well. My advice would be never ever have sex with someone based on it becoming a relationship, always be aware that it’s highly likely you will never see this person again, if you’re okay with potentially never seeing them again go ahead, but if you’re only having sex with them because they’ve made you think you’re special or that they want something serious with you then hold off and get to know them a bit better. I know it’s never ever a guarantee they won’t do the same, but it will weed out a lot of the losers who are only after one thing.

I actually think he is more invested than you think, with the follow-up text when you ignored the first. I think he is confused and does not know what he wants so doesn't want to close the door completely. Leave him squirming, he knows he has embarrassed himself. Complete silence is the only way. I actually would not block him, but leave him always wondering why the silence/is she going to reply ever etc? Blocking makes you look far more upset. Don't give him that (obv block if he becomes a pest etc). Although I did like the 'lol' response someone suggested, though that would have needed to be sent at the time. Anyway, good luck! :-)

Whatever he does he can't do right by many posters can he! He's a bastard for not telling OP he doesn't want to see her again, he's a bastard for being vague about seeing her again, and he's a bastard for being honest about his stance about not wanting to see her again! FFS, what is he supposed to do?! Just like women, men are allowed to have sex with someone then change their minds about a relationship. It can be for many reasons, one of which can just be a lack of chemistry which many of us have felt ourselves (which is why some of us like to sleep with men quickly to see if there's sexual chemistry before forming emotional ties). Sure, he may be a bastard, or he could just be like us and changed his mind. The hotel issue isn't really an issue either as they both had fun didn't they, and so what that he had a condom with him (very sensible to have one just in case, I've been tempted to do the same on occasion).
OK, he's now blocked OP, but posters are often advocating blocking men we're not interested in so what's the difference? At least he's made it clear.

Ultimately this is just a disappointment which is the risk we take when dating. As a PP said, not everyone we date (or sleep with) is going to fall in love with us, but OP had a fun evening even though it's not developed.