Breadcrumbing?

[notsurewhattodo22]

I'm feeling really down...I posted a while ago but it's no better.

I split with my ex ( if you can call it that) about a month ago. There was no real finality, we had a bit of a tiff and he said he couldn't give me what I want / need..and he wasn't prepared to.

Since then I've not seen him but he's kept in touch by text. There has been no mention about me and him...just boring stuff really. I initially tried to make it up but he said he wasn't sure and since then he's not mentioned 'us'.

It's doing my head in as I can't move on as I'm reminded everytime he texts. I also can't bring myself to ignore or block him as I still love him and there's that tiny bit of hope. I know he doesn't feel the same and he has no idea how sad I am about it. I don't want to humiliate myself going over it again.

He says he's very depressed at the moment so that keeps me there as I don't want to be nasty to him. He's been pretty bad to me though.

I feel like he's breadcrumbing me but I'm not sure....he could just be depressed and want a friend.

The lack of an ending though and then intermittent texts asking how I am is making me very confused.

Go find Mumsnet Classics. We'll see you in a week

Not really of changing him...just for him to be nice, caring etc which I have seem sometimes. Not enough though by any means ☹

I've been so silly really hanging onto this potential. I've been really really dumb.

I just want the nice bits back!

The reality though is though there's more not nice than nice. I gave him some home truths today and lashed out which was stupid. I want someone that cares though...not someone I'm constantly trying to appease.

The reality though is though there's more not nice than nice. I gave him some home truths today and lashed out which was stupid. I want someone that cares though...not someone I'm constantly trying to appease.

Good for you! Why would you feel under a duty to "appease" someone who has treated you so badly?

I felt much better once I stood up for myself and told him how awful his behaviour was. Its really helped me move on, because somehow it made his bad behaviour seem more real, rather than a secret between us I was being forced to keep.

Until I did that, all my frustration festered. I was very rude to him. Not abusive but rude. And I don't care. Actions are far more important than words.

I also suspect me standing up to him will cause him to try and come back one day. Men love women that are'nt afraid to tell them what they think of them. I'm not sure I'd be interested any more though. A lot of his appeal was that I thought he was quite shy and innocent, (he is anything but, but pulls off the act well) and very good looking - and I don't think a 40 year old who shags around will keep his looks for much longer. I think it begins to show in the face. And when you take both those things away, you're left with a rather nasty, often quite angry, person.

Do you not see what you are doing? You don't want to change him you just want him to stop doing what he normally does and replace it with "being nice" which you have seen him do sometimes.

That is very much wanting to change him.

You wanted the home truths to change his choices, right?

I was rude but then tried to appease him and backtrack stupidly.

I've never really said what I thought and it's caused me huge upset, that's probably why I've been so upset...putting up with this crap.

He's always made me think I'm stupid and wrong. I know it sounds silly but when someone subtly does that over a long time you do doubt your own judgement.

@hurtleandblister

I think though as outsiders, it seems straightforward and common sense to say walk away, block, he’s affecting your wellbeing etc but when you are the person who is experiencing the addictive high from the dopamine released when receiving the messages, it’s easier said than done.

Good luck OP, be very kind to yourself, you’re doing brilliantly.

No. Many of us have been exactly where the Op is. Right now there is an element of 'revelling' in this, in terms of this thread.

Many of us have agonised about how we feel, in which case there are better and more supportive threads on MN that will help her through this next stage.

The danger With using this thread as therapy, is that others will come in, not having rtft and offer the same advice over and over and get equally frustrated with the OP - possibly unfairly.

The next stage of the process is to talk to and engage with others who are the same stage as you.

Empathy also goes hand in hand with reality and practicality.

@notsurewhattodo22

He's always made me think I'm stupid and wrong. I know it sounds silly but when someone subtly does that over a long time you do doubt your own judgement.

Why would you spend a long time with someone who makes you feel stupid and wrong? That's not a good relationship. Not in a boyfriend, a friend, a teacher, anyone. Normally we avoid people who make us feel that way. Why didn't you?

That’s a fair comment, Candy.

@StrippedFridge12 the reason is that he was lovely to me at first. Slowly and very subtly things changed..

I was made to believe I was always in the wrong and all our fallouts are my fault. I began doubting myself, apologising and agreeing with him. Then he would be nice again then it would happen again and he would dismiss me. I felt guilty and terrible for how he was saying I was acting. He destroyed my self confidence.

Can I suggest that you have a listen to this Ted talk on emotional first aid by Guy Winch? It might be helpful.

And, I don’t know if you’ve come across the concept of the shark cage but it might help to read about it. Right now it’s natural to turn the spotlight on yourself in a destructive way trying to figure out why me? and whats wrong with me. a slightly more useful version of this is how can I learn to avoid these predators Or it might not be something for you right now, but keep it in mind for later.

I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now.

Yes thank you I will listen x

@notsurewhattodo22

Shark cage is likely to help you.

Maybe rethink what you believe is the purpose of dating. I write this because you started to feel fallouts were your fault and you still thought the relationship was a keeper. See, for me, dating is about finding out if you are compatible. We typically date for a couple of years before committing with marriage or property because it takes at least that long to experience each other's true self in various circumstances. You feeling fallouts were all your fault shouldn't have been taken as a sign to change yourself or him but to realise you two are not compatible long term. Dating successful, no great harm done, things learned, move on, move up.

The video was good thanks.

Yes I've had it very wrong, this has been a cycle about 4 times now of going through upset with him. Each time I've moved on he's returned. He can't this time and I think he's had enough too.

I know he was no good for me and can't or wont add anything positive to my life. I honestly felt a huge connection though. More than with my ex husband.

When I think about what I'm missing it isn't this amazing man, not in reality ☹

Understand what seemed brilliant, or what you wanted to be brilliant, what felt connected and use that to inform dating decisions in future.

We learn more from failure than from success.

Be kind to yourself, he's manipulated you into doubting yourself. If someone had broken your arm you wouldn't expect a quick fix and it would take ages to be back to normal. Allow yourself time to grieve and to strengthen your mental health.

OP " The confection" you describe is Trauma Bonding.
Its the incredible high that you get when having been awful to you hes nice.
Its the release of Dopamine and its an addictive cycle.
Look up the cycle of abuse.
Its a myth that abusers are constantly nasty, they arent.
They create this " hook" during the cycle to keep you exactly where they want you and you coming back for more.

Connection

Thanks...I'm pretty sure I am trauma bonded to him.

I hardly slept and am really struggling with the whole thing. The barrage of criticism about my personality really makes me doubt myself and I wonder am I that bad after all. He always made out if only I was like this or that things would be fine. It's knocked my self confidence.

The way he's always come back previously has heightened the bond. It's like he's punished me enough for however I acted so he came back and I was pleased.

He doesn't care about me or how I feel, that's obvious.

I can't believe how long this has gone on for really. I've been up and down for over a year ☹

And no he was lovely a lot of the time...really charming and kind.

As long as I didn't stand up for myself, criticise him or have any needs. If I ever did step out of line that's when I was told how I go about things is terrible, he wishes I had better communication skills, he has no energy for this, he has had enough etc.

I used to be self confident and sure in my decisions before this, happy go lucky.

Somehow this has destroyed any bit of that I had. The criticisms just made me explain more as it wasn't true. He would tell me how I was feeling, why I was doing things and say I had 'motives'. He said he can see "what I am now". If he ever came round I would be grateful. I would defend myself and he would tell me to go away, he has no energy for this...after telling me why I do everything.

Honestly does this sound narcissistic or am I imagining this?

I'm angry with myself for allowing it...so passively. 😪😪

Narcissists always want you to believe there was something YOU could have done to change the outcome of a relationship. They want you to believe that if you behave in the way they want things would be ok.
This was 100% true in my case.
I found myself almost screaming at him.. I am a good person, people like me, I like life ... he made me feel that I was the abuser, I was the one with the problem.

Until I met him I had always had positive relationships, with friends, family, partners.. he was the problem not me. You must keep telling yourself that there was nothing you could have done to change things.
Check out Balance Psychologies on YouTube .. there are some videos I think you might find useful.
I’ve sent you a PM too.