Breadcrumbing?

[notsurewhattodo22]

I'm feeling really down...I posted a while ago but it's no better.

I split with my ex ( if you can call it that) about a month ago. There was no real finality, we had a bit of a tiff and he said he couldn't give me what I want / need..and he wasn't prepared to.

Since then I've not seen him but he's kept in touch by text. There has been no mention about me and him...just boring stuff really. I initially tried to make it up but he said he wasn't sure and since then he's not mentioned 'us'.

It's doing my head in as I can't move on as I'm reminded everytime he texts. I also can't bring myself to ignore or block him as I still love him and there's that tiny bit of hope. I know he doesn't feel the same and he has no idea how sad I am about it. I don't want to humiliate myself going over it again.

He says he's very depressed at the moment so that keeps me there as I don't want to be nasty to him. He's been pretty bad to me though.

I feel like he's breadcrumbing me but I'm not sure....he could just be depressed and want a friend.

The lack of an ending though and then intermittent texts asking how I am is making me very confused.

namechanged he's made me feel so awful though like I'm a horrible person. I feel I have to justify myself.

I think he is narcissistic too. Sorry about you too....has this happened before with you?

I'm taking it all extremely personally

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to OP? I am considering contacting the Samaritans or my work's counselling service as I'm struggling quite a lot. Could you do the same?

I have a bit but I'm stuck on my own now during lockdown. I'm an absolute mess.....

How can you not take it personally?

@notsurewhattodo22 you sound like how I was feeling up until very recently. I met this guy at my work (he's now left but still in the department so contactable on the work Skype) suppose I was 'love bombed', then little digs started which turned into big digs then proper insults, making me feel like I've gone crazy, making everything seem like my fault. It's difficult to explain but I'm sure you can relate to what I'm saying.

He would talk about other women and how attractive they were and then tell me I was crazy if I got jealous. He would threaten to block me if I made any 'snarky comments' yet he would do the same to me all the time and was constantly making jealous comments about me and other men - he accused me of sleeping with my colleagues! He's blocked me on everything now. Last time I stood up for myself after he accused me of something and I snapped at him.

So, today I asked him to block me on the work Skype because I know that i would be constantly blocking and then unblocking.

I'm ashamed to say that I've text him on different numbers when he's blocked me before 😢 OP I hope you don't end up like me. In addicted, can't see a light at the end of the tunnel

I want the sweet kind man who seemed to really like me at the beginning, to come back but he is never going to. He was pretending. Which lead to sex (what he was out to get I presume) and now he's had that he's done with me.

He would always give me crumbs to keep me hanging on, little comments that gave me hope that we could have a relationship. It never happened and never will

I'm shocked that there are other men out there like him to be honest!

You don't take it personally because there's nothing wrong with you. There is someone out there for you, it's not him.

Yes the same...fine for him to make digs, not okay for me to do the same back. Over sensitive to perceived criticism or even humour.

Somehow I'm in a position where I constantly need to justify myself.

He's made me feel awful about myself. I don't know why I can't let go....completely addicted.

Picks me up and drops me as and when he feels....and yes bringing other women into it then saying I'm crazy.

Still when he puts me down I feel I need to justify myself and that I am bad.

OMG. Stop buying into the drama. It doesn't remotely matter why he treats you badly! The fact that he does it is enough reason to never ever speak to him again. All of your 'wanting to know why' and 'wanting to show him I can stand up for myself' is just excuses to keep being in contact with him. And all the analysing of what he does and how he's made you feel is just a way of giving yourself a reason to keep on thinking about him and talking about him. Walk away. He's no good for you and you know it.

He's gone now.

I can't help how I feel about him though.

Everyday you will feel a bit better, the longer the nc is, you have to try and fill that void with something. When I've gone through breakups I focus on what I didn't like about them and make a mental list of what I'm looking for in the next relationship to give some hope. You will be fine, use the silence as a good thing to clear your mind from the frustrations he's caused.

namechanged sounds very similar....

Then when they are done with you they are done with you.

I am at the stage where I'm completely doubting myself though.

And just wanting the nice sweet man back...that probably never was unfortunately.

I'm really doubting my own sanity.

@notsurewhattodo22 if you like, PM me. I'm not sure how to do it on the app. I don't know how much help I'll be, as I'm in the same boat, but I'll try.

Thanks...I don't think it can be done on the app. I will try and do it from a desktop.

@notsurewhattodo22 Ok, the offer is there anyway. What do you like doing in your spare time? Any hobbies? I'm just thinking of things you could do that might help you distract yourself?

My "things" are live music and travelling. Ha! I think this is where my problem lies, I don't have an outlet right now so I just dwell and dwell.

I cried on the bus on the way home and my mask got all wet, ew. (This was after I asked him to block me). I don't feel as down and in emotional pain as I did a month or so ago, but still very down.

Seems like mine was starting to do a slow fade on me. So I tried to get in there first by telling him to block me.

All this blocking is a new one on me, although admittedly I've been out of the game for some time.

I'm gutted that what we "had" meant nothing to him. But that is his problem. His problem that he can't see the potential and doesn't see what a great person I am, and that I could love him.

What do you do for work? Would it be helpful to take some time off?

I think though as outsiders, it seems straightforward and common sense to say walk away, block, he’s affecting your wellbeing etc but when you are the person who is experiencing the addictive high from the dopamine released when receiving the messages, it’s easier said than done.

Good luck OP, be very kind to yourself, you’re doing brilliantly.

(my message was in response to those who are a bit exasperated that the op is finding this difficult)

Thanks guys x

Aw sorry name changed I always start crying too. I can see it's unhealthy though and has been going on way too long. This cycle.

Similar to you I always saw 'our' potential but he could never see that and is happy to let me go if I don't conform, crap isn't it.

I am working from home...I'm not sure what I enjoy doing really. I'm finding this whole lockdown utterly miserable and he kept me going.

Everything you are saying is identical to how I'm feeling right now.

Do you have to see him at work? I'm lucky I guess I won't ever bump into him again.

@notsurewhattodo22 I don't see him at work anymore as he moved to an office across the road, I saw him in Costa a few weeks ago but since then, nothing. I always hope I'll bump into him. But when I see him, I melt. So it's best I don't.

Lockdown is miserable for me too. I wish my department would let me WFH, I could easily do my job from home. At least then I could cry in peace!

The thought of never speaking to him again is killing me.

Danger danger on "potential"

If major parts of his personality were different then he'd be perfect.
Next...
I have clear relationship goals. I will be happy when they are met. When I imagine that future, the man is happy there too.
Next...
I must convince him to change his behaviour so we can achieve my relationship nirvana. I know what he must change to be my fantasy man. He has potential.

Are you addicted to moulding him?

Is it the fantasy you are mourning? The all consuming project of changing him?

Op, would it help (a tiny bit) to have a browse on some other threads/boards, even for a 5 minute distraction? AIBU is always a good one for some lively posts. My thinking is that if you can distract yourself away from thinking so deeply about this even just for a few minutes, it’s giving you a bit of headspace? I know it’s very hard just now.