Breadcrumbing?

[notsurewhattodo22]

I'm feeling really down...I posted a while ago but it's no better.

I split with my ex ( if you can call it that) about a month ago. There was no real finality, we had a bit of a tiff and he said he couldn't give me what I want / need..and he wasn't prepared to.

Since then I've not seen him but he's kept in touch by text. There has been no mention about me and him...just boring stuff really. I initially tried to make it up but he said he wasn't sure and since then he's not mentioned 'us'.

It's doing my head in as I can't move on as I'm reminded everytime he texts. I also can't bring myself to ignore or block him as I still love him and there's that tiny bit of hope. I know he doesn't feel the same and he has no idea how sad I am about it. I don't want to humiliate myself going over it again.

He says he's very depressed at the moment so that keeps me there as I don't want to be nasty to him. He's been pretty bad to me though.

I feel like he's breadcrumbing me but I'm not sure....he could just be depressed and want a friend.

The lack of an ending though and then intermittent texts asking how I am is making me very confused.

Is he involved with anyone else OP? Or has a previous ex?
I’m new to the world of narcs and it still really baffles me that these people exist!! My friends ex was cheating on her for years and she had no clue and then when she found out he utterly gas lighted her and made her feel as though she was going mad!

He's definitely single but when we met he was very freshly out of a 10 year R with his ex who he had kids with . I don't think he was over it really and all his hatred towards her he's taken out on me.

Used to tell me she would scream and he was so timid and took it as he's such a quiet person.He was screaming at me the other night though.

A real wolf in sheeps clothing I think.

Constantly told me he won't take stuff from me as he's had all that before etc

I think maybe without realising it he was taking all his underlying resentment of her out on me.

Can you really believe everything he's saying about his Ex, given how he treats you?

I bet his Ex would have a very different story to tell.

Nope I don't believe it from what I've seen

I've always pathetically almost begged him. I'm done now with it, I've been ridiculous and chasing someone that ignores me and doesn't care.

Hey Notsure, you did it! No contact yesterday, see how strong you are? You are brilliant! Are you going for that walk today?

I will try and get out for a walk, will force myself.

I was thinking why I've become so invested and I don't think it's him I miss. I think it's just been a huge headfuck with the hot and cold, love bombing and pulling away. I think I've always not been able to process why in my mind or to work out if he is 'bothered' or was using me as my gut told me which I heavily ignored.

He also always had such sob stories which drew me in. I felt like I lost my mind...feeling slightly clearer today but not sure that will last ☹

The more I read about narcissists the more I'm sure I've been in a cycle with one. It seems quite common for people to feel as I do / have and doubt themselves. Also clear by some others on here and their stories.

@hurtleandblister thank you x

Good going OP! keep posting here - especially when you get the urge to contact him. This WILL fade, you're thinking is much clearer now as to what's been happening.

Yes his story of a timid man being shouted at by a bullying partner seems less likely now doesn't it?

Well done, you’re starting to see things more clearly already.
Covert narcs often play the victim, mine held grudges too, against the vet when his dog died, the person who gave their dog up for re homing, even his elderly neighbours were always picking on him. He just had zero empathy. I dread to think of the massive grudge he must hold against me!!!
Get out for a walk today, you’ll feel better for it! 🍁

Good morning @notsurewhattodo22 Hope you have a good day. 🙂 keep up with the no contact!

Thanks guys! I think his ex was quite angry but I can imagine drove her to a lot of it with his passive aggressive dismissive attitude.

I think the main thing I have to do is not be annoyed at myself for being so utterly ridiculous. I've clung on and chased him everytime we've fallen out, apologised for having feelings etc. It was never appreciated. He once told me his ex was so vile he would appreciate anyone who was half nice to him. I gave him all I could and it wasn't appreciated or good enough.

I was speaking to a friend and I really have let my whole view of myself stem from.his opinion. I have assumed he's 'correct' with his opinion and criticisms of my personality and had to defend and explain myself all the time. It's demeaning.

I've also realised these people rely heavily on messages, hook you in that way. They can present how they like there and you assume they must care to be so relentless at first. If I'd spent more time with him his real self would have appeared sooner I believe.

It's false though isn't it, it's the attention / ego boost they enjoy.

I caved and messaged mine. Feel absolutely rubbish. Just want today to be over. He's replied, but only talking about really general stuff

I'm an idiot

I've pmd you namechanged

I read the book ‘it’s called a breakup because it’s broken’

Very funny and easy to read.

I've ordered that book, thank you.

I just wanted to hold myself accountable on here but I did send him a message. I couldn't seem to calm down and it seemed a good idea at the time. He ignored me, no response. I feel stupid!

I haven't done since and I wont. I just have to keep reminding myself of all the bad things that happened. I wasn't happy anyway much. He was incredibly lazy and the lack of effort used to annoy me, along with everything else I've said.

Urgh weekends are awful, I'm trying to find a good series on prime / Netflix if anyone has any recommendations.

Well done for not texting again. I found deleting all our texts helped me, it might seem scary but it did help.

The new season of The Crown starts tomorrow and The Queen’s Gambit is good.

Stay positive, you’ll feel better before you know it.

I have deleted all.the texts and messages, even my phone records. I was looking back how many times he phoned and that started me off!

@notsurewhattodo22

I've ordered that book, thank you.

I just wanted to hold myself accountable on here but I did send him a message. I couldn't seem to calm down and it seemed a good idea at the time. He ignored me, no response. I feel stupid!

I haven't done since and I wont. I just have to keep reminding myself of all the bad things that happened. I wasn't happy anyway much. He was incredibly lazy and the lack of effort used to annoy me, along with everything else I've said.

Urgh weekends are awful, I'm trying to find a good series on prime / Netflix if anyone has any recommendations.

It's a good book, defo recommend.

On my child free weekends I usually have a Film night on the Friday with wine and takeaway, Saturday is my house clean day, whack some tunes on and get a bit of exercise in by cleaning. Saturday was my going out night but can't do that due to lockdown so I sometimes do a zoom call with friends or cook myself a real nice meal, music on, read a book etc then Sundays I like to have a lay in, have a bubble Bath, face mask, do my nails etc then make sure I'm ready for work the next day...it's passes pretty quick, but I've always enjoyed my own company.
If I'm bored I just get in the car, put playlist on and go for a drive!

I didn't used to mind my own company but at the moment it's leading to me overthinking and feeling sad.

You have got used to spending every moment thinking about him and his mood. You are still doing it. What did you think about before you knew him?

I don't know! It's been about 15 months I've known him.

I used to go to work, mix etc....now I'm wfh and stuck on my own all day.

So you contacted him again. Every time you do this, you're giving him more of you, and getting nothing back. He gains - you lose.