Breadcrumbing?

[notsurewhattodo22]

I'm feeling really down...I posted a while ago but it's no better.

I split with my ex ( if you can call it that) about a month ago. There was no real finality, we had a bit of a tiff and he said he couldn't give me what I want / need..and he wasn't prepared to.

Since then I've not seen him but he's kept in touch by text. There has been no mention about me and him...just boring stuff really. I initially tried to make it up but he said he wasn't sure and since then he's not mentioned 'us'.

It's doing my head in as I can't move on as I'm reminded everytime he texts. I also can't bring myself to ignore or block him as I still love him and there's that tiny bit of hope. I know he doesn't feel the same and he has no idea how sad I am about it. I don't want to humiliate myself going over it again.

He says he's very depressed at the moment so that keeps me there as I don't want to be nasty to him. He's been pretty bad to me though.

I feel like he's breadcrumbing me but I'm not sure....he could just be depressed and want a friend.

The lack of an ending though and then intermittent texts asking how I am is making me very confused.

Bite the bullet and block him, on everything. And go through the emotions that come with a proper end to this.

You know he's not good for you. And blocking isn't childish, it's self preservation, giving you space to heal properly..

Geez, it’s like they’ve read the same book on how to string women along!

(OP - just in case, it’s MB 😉!)

Looks like it's a different M froth😁 I'm tending to agree about slow fading, he would get a kick from me blocking him unfortunately!

Does sound identical though!

I've already gone through the emotions a few times now. Been reading about covert narcissism and it's him. Especially the over sensitivity to any perceived criticism, need to be in control.

So pathetic, keeps making hints to see if I'm still interested too. Just phishing about to see if I'm still into him with not an ounce of consideration how that makes me feel.

You know what you need to do. Just block him, if you cant block him then at least ignore his texts. You know he's stringing you along, this will go on forever & you'll never get over him. You need to cut all contact now

The other good thing about the slow fade is that you can take it at your own pace. I found that on the couple of occasions when I’d had enough and told him where to go, I panicked at the finality of it and contacted him to apologise a few days later (pathetic creature that I am!). With the slow fade, I felt in control and also it was fascinating to see how the more I pulled away, the more he pursued me. He couldn’t bear to think that someone who had been so besotted with him had gone off him.

Yes froth I've told him to go away before and found myself apologising! I don't think I could do it.

I feel like I've got some control now.

What happened with yours in the end? Are you in touch now?

Finding this thread very interesting as I actually did to my ex what the OP’s ex was doing. We had been friends for 20 years, got together for 2 years, then he dumped me quite brutally. I wanted to continue the friendship and thought he did too, so we kept in touch. Then I met someone else and ex then decided he was in love with me after all and wanted me back. I was adamant I couldn’t go back to him - I couldn’t risk being treated like that again and anyway, I really liked (and now love) the new guy. But I was still really keen to be friends with ex as we had been friends for so long. He refused as he said he couldn’t stick around to watch me falling for someone else. We had a number of rows about it in which we both said some pretty bad stuff (not proud) and then he blocked me on all platforms. At the time I was angry, hurt and sad. But reading all the comments on here do help me see it from his perspective, which is quite healing actually. Thank you!

A slow fade is good if you feel strong enough, but in my experience they will start pursuing you as soon as they sense you pulling away.
Can I ask whether you see this person often? Do you have to face them daily?
No contact is the only way to break free if he really is a narcissist.

No I never have to see him and no chance of ever bumping into him, he lives a fair distance away.

Yeah mine was the same, lives a couple of hours drive from me, which made it easier for him to spin his manipulative web of lies!

This guy had said he missed 'our chats', never me though. These men sound identical down to asking to meet only when they know you cant!

This one disappears for ages too then other days is 24/7.

Definitely doesn't want sex anymore. The annoying thing is he would rather sit in on his own that see me, thinks he gets pleasure in telling me that too.

He's more calculating than I give him credit for. There's me thinking he's sad and depressed, think he knows exactly what he's doing.

That’s the thing, with mine I was always left thinking... what if?! What if he really is busy, stressed at work, sick.. some days he would say he had a cold and ignore me for days... It was the “what ifs” that kept me hanging on!
I think of you feel deep down in your gut that something is not right with him, then you should listen to what you feel deep down.

They do sound identical!!

Yes...what if! There is always a genuine reason....work, kids, illness etc. I know deep down it's all bollox but the what if it isn't keeps you hanging on.

OP, in response to your question, once I had got wise (and, as I say, that took me about 20 years!), I saw him for what he was. Without going into the whole sorry story he had in effect used and manipulated me for his own ends (an ego boost) without any regard at all as to how badly it was affecting me and my life. It wasn't that he was vindictive - but he was only capable of thinking of, and caring about, himself.

Once you know it's not some grand love story and you are simply being used, it's quite easy to go off someone! And it was pretty eye-opening how he behaved once he realised I was no longer there at the end of his line - he really tried to get my attention back. I haven't seen him in over a year, when I told him it wasn't working for me and it wasn't the type of relationship I wanted. However, I still get regular texts from him - every month or so. Most texts where he is trying to be conversational ("how are you?" or "Merry Christmas" or "How are you coping with the lockdown", etc.) I don't respond to. Where he texts that he wants to see me, or tells me he misses me or that I will always be the one , I will just reply very nicely and say sorry, I think it's best that we leave things as they are, or something similar.

Funnily enough mine wasn't interested in sex either (although was very keen on sexting )! Which really left me scratching my head as we all know about players who will string women along to get sex, but I just couldn't figure out why he would be bothering to text me and what he was getting out of it - I deludedly thought that he must be in love with me and want to be with me otherwise why would he bother? For normal people like us, getting attention from someone does very little for us unless we like them back. Not so people with narcissism. It is their life blood.

Yours may not be a narcissist but at the very least he is using you to make himself feel less bored and lonely, which isn't very kind is it? Most of us, when we break up with someone, feel pretty bad about it and go out of our way not to give mixed messages.

I also had one of these relationships! Friends for years (always very flirty but never quite seemed to get together, it drove me mad) then a wonderful relationship for 2 years, he really was the perfect boyfriend. Then dumped out of the blue for someone else. Initially fell out, then got back in contact and it was obvious he was stringing me along in case he went through a dry spell and needed a shag.

The only thing that actually worked in making me go off him was him losing his looks! I didn't see him for a year, and not much at all in 2 1/2 years, and when I did he had lost a lot of hair (it had been thinning before) and had become somehow considerably more drawn and lined, and not in a good way. He just didn't look anything like the young, handsome man I'd fallen for, and I wondered what on earth I was obsessing about. It still makes me sad. I think if I had stayed in touch with him, it would have been a more gradual change and I might not have noticed.

Might sound shallow, but his main advantage was being very good looking, as he didn't have great conversation or a very loyal nature, so take that away and there wasn't much.

froth that confused me too as he's not using me for a shag, can't Shag me if he doesn't see me can he! He does sometimes try and lower the tone but I never entertain that.

Yes you are right, I've dumped people before and been extra careful not to lead them on as it's not fair. He knows how I feel / felt so is getting some kick out of it.

I am leaning towards covert narcissist or just extremely self centred.

Always wanting sympathy too....emotional support.

Yep, always wanting sympathy! Hypersensitive to criticism, very fragile ego. Very self-absorbed - never remembered things I’d told him (his own mother told him he never remembered anything about anyone because he only cared about himself!). All classic traits of covert narcissism.

Whilst I don’t think mine was vindictive, in a way he enjoyed me suffering - not because he is a sadist but because it was a sign of how besotted I was. And if he treated me really badly and I was still there, then it made him think I must really be obsessed with him, and he liked that.

notsurewhattodo froth that confused me too as he's not using me for a shag, can't Shag me if he doesn't see me can he! He does sometimes try and lower the tone but I never entertain that.

After our perfect 2 year relationship, mine kept me around for an ego boost. The woman he dumped me for was much more lowly educated than either of us and had a low paid job/lengthy periods of unemployment and was quite dumpy. Whereas he came from a posh family, was privately and university educated and excelled at sport. I was more in that model too and I think he scared himself that we were so perfect together that he convinced himself that I would dump him, so got in first.

But obviously keeping me on hold, that he had a university educated, professional girlfriend in a good job who was sporty and fit, who still wanted him, made up for the girlfriend's slightly less obvious attributes.

I also found out that he had never been single in all the years I'd known him, he had just had secretive, multiple relationships with different women, some of them long distance, some of them FWB. Every so often, he would change the main girlfriend that he was sleeping with for one of the ones that he kept in the harem. I don't think he slept with more than 1 of us at a time. I actually know who 2 of his other girlfriends were/are!

I've noticed that a lot of this type have a very low/non-existent social media profile, which is obviously deliberate so theres no reason to put up photos of a current girlfriend on social media.

He sounds like a bell end OP and an utter boring drain.
Get yourself on bumble or tinder and have fun light hearted chats with other men to distract you from texting all day.

Playing the victim is a classic trait of the covert narc. Mine did this a lot. His colleagues, neighbours, son, even the dad of his sons girlfriend were all getting at him, he even told me he’d had “punch ups” with them. On one occasion he told me the police had been called to his home because his adult son had attached him. Over Christmas he told me he had been in a punch up (his exact words) with his sons girlfriends dad. I don’t think I believe these actually happened now, it was all just part of his fantasy world, in which he was the victim.

I fell out with mine a lot, I was horrible to him (the situation had become so toxic), but he always wanted to keep texting, like the earlier posts, I thought it must be because he was completely in love with me. He knew I was in pain and suffering, my mental health was eroding. I was always honest about the way I was feeling. I now know that narcissists like any and all attention, even the bad stuff.. it was all vital fuel to him. I just couldn’t see it at the time.. it sounds so crazy in hindsight but at the time it was all consuming.

I like the suggestion above, maybe have some fun and get chatting to someone new. I started running to keep my mind from him and to help me mentally, it worked a treat! x

I've added up the time I spend messaging.

It's not like I've got anything else to do but he's been messaging me for hours today!

Why!!!??? Don't get it at all, why text with nothing more. I've cut them all short and as PP said that just seems to make him come back more.

Why are you replying to him?

I'm stuck in..bored!

Not doing me any good though long term.