Breadcrumbing?

[notsurewhattodo22]

I'm feeling really down...I posted a while ago but it's no better.

I split with my ex ( if you can call it that) about a month ago. There was no real finality, we had a bit of a tiff and he said he couldn't give me what I want / need..and he wasn't prepared to.

Since then I've not seen him but he's kept in touch by text. There has been no mention about me and him...just boring stuff really. I initially tried to make it up but he said he wasn't sure and since then he's not mentioned 'us'.

It's doing my head in as I can't move on as I'm reminded everytime he texts. I also can't bring myself to ignore or block him as I still love him and there's that tiny bit of hope. I know he doesn't feel the same and he has no idea how sad I am about it. I don't want to humiliate myself going over it again.

He says he's very depressed at the moment so that keeps me there as I don't want to be nasty to him. He's been pretty bad to me though.

I feel like he's breadcrumbing me but I'm not sure....he could just be depressed and want a friend.

The lack of an ending though and then intermittent texts asking how I am is making me very confused.

If he’s texting you all day, that’s a lot of your time and headspace that he’s laying claim to, considering he broke things off! How about blocking (muting) him for a few days and see how you feel? You can always unblock him, it’s not forever, but something tells me you’ll find the peace glorious, a balm to your mental health and won’t rush back.

He is telling me how depressed he is this evening and how he misses playing sports with lockdown. No mention of missing me!

I can't help being nice, maybe as I'm bored and lonely too and it gives me something to do. I just feel it's all about him though....when I was upset he couldn't care less. What the fuck does he want !

It sounds like you are "Trauma bonded"
Despite the fact you are aware hes no good for you and you describe him as dangerous ,you are addicted to the highs which follow the lows.
Please look it up OP and take control of this situation.
Block him

Forgot to add
He is enjoying the feeling of power and control.
Enjoys keeping you on a string and messing with your head.

@notsurewhattodo22

He is telling me how depressed he is this evening and how he misses playing sports with lockdown. No mention of missing me!

I can't help being nice, maybe as I'm bored and lonely too and it gives me something to do. I just feel it's all about him though....when I was upset he couldn't care less. What the fuck does he want !

What a nob! You deserve better OP.

Do you not think that spending all day every day texting someone who has rejected you is increasing how lonely you feel? It's like jabbing your dinner fork into an open wound and wondering why it hurts and won't heal.

I don't think you're being very nice to yourself here by tormenting yourself with ongoing contact like this. Which is sad because I think you're worth being nice to.

I'm not sure if it's worse 😪 I'm bored, lonely so it passes the time and I like him.

I don't know what to do....i think any contact is better than none pathetically.

Thank you user that's very nice of you to say x

And he comes to me all sad and upset and I can't not help. When I was upset he wasn't there though, must try and remember that ☹

Whatever label you put on it, it's no good for you. If you block him you'll cry, scream, grieve, feel like crap. Go through the fire. But you will not die for lack of him. Practice self-care and don't love a man more than you love yourself. Do things that make you feel better, no matter how small. Talk on here, talk to a good friend. One day you'll realise you woke up and he wasn't your 1st thought. Time is a great healer is a cliche, but true. His depression is not for you to sort out neither is it a reason to hang on. You have yourself to sort out. If he cared, he'd by by your side. He doesn't care about you so he just uses you as a convenient life-prop. Block him, face what you must and give yourself a chance to eventually heal. The alternative is what you have now - waiting around for crumbs of non-meaningful attention. Nothing and nobody is worth that.

Its really painful to realise someone doesnt really care for you.
OP please start to care about yourself, your self esteem sounds very low.
" He comes to me all sad and upset"
This is hoovering, hooking you back in.
You arent responsible for his feelings.

I am going through exactly the same thing OP.... everything you have said (and every thing in the article attached earlier) completely resonates with me. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I truly want to give up on this person and move on but it’s so difficult. He is also the best sex I’ve ever had...

I was bored and lonely too OP, I once asked if he was and whether that was the reason he kept texting me.. he responded with days of silent treatment.

Maybe read up on narcissistic behaviour patterns and see if he fits this type of behaviour. It might help you to understand him better and respond accordingly. Limerence too and how the intermittent reinforcement fuels those feelings. I agree with a previous post, that there maybe a trauma bond. I was always hoping the kind, sensitive, attentive guy that he portrayed himself to be for those first few months would come back, but he rarely did.

He would do things like block me suddenly and with no warning and then reappear days or on one occasion weeks later.
He also hoovered with sob stories. Once after a period of no contact instigated by him, in a moment of weakness (fuelled by wine) I reached out over Christmas.. I guess a normal person would responded politely but reiterate that nothing had changed and they didn’t want contact still, instead he told me that he’d had a miserable Christmas and his dog had died. I felt so sad for him and he knew I would, it was a Hoover, designed once again to keep me hanging on.

When I asked if he missed me, he would respond with, “I missed our chats”, like you said, never any mention of me, just our “chats” ie how I made him feel, the ego boost.

Please, please think carefully about how you’re feeling, how he’s making you feel and how he’s behaving, don’t end up completely losing yourself over this guy like it did.

I’ve been there OP. The messaging is just feeding his ego. He’s keeping you around maybe not for a shag anymore but just for the ego boost he gets that you reply all the time regardless of how crappy of a friend he is. He’s making the least effort, just messaging when he’s bored, maybe asks how you are here and there to appease you but you’re just a distraction for his ego while he’s bored. Sorry to be harsh.
The reason I copped on is I heard a my nephews friend talking about how he needs to stop texting this girl because she likes him and he has no interest but he ends up messaging her when he’s bored when he’s sick of looking at social media!

I had one of these and I think it's part boredom, part loneliness and a big part ego boost. Some men have a real need for validation.

The guy I was involved with would text and text but avoided actually meeting up. He would sometimes ask to meet up (I now realise it was to check that I still wanted him - particularly if he sensed I was pulling away) but would always cancel with some lame excuse. He had got his validation from me agreeing to meet up - he knew then I still wanted him - so he didn't need to meet up. He didn't actually want me - he just wanted me to want him.

Someone above mentioned covert narcissism and I am now pretty sure my guy is a covert narcissist. They are much harder to spot than overt narcissists but their need for external validation is just as great.

The best way to deal with him? Do a slow fade. Take a while to reply to his messages - and don't bother reply to some at all - and be pretty short. Don't make any effort. Blocking them weirdly gives them a kick as they know they still affect you. Showing them, by doing the slow fade, that you have actually just gone off them, KILLS them.

Mine was absolutely a covert narcissist- he would ask to meet, then make it virtually impossible for me to get to him (always me coming to him), then when I’d inevitably have to pull out he would blame me for us not meeting.
What is it with these horrible men!

@Thatsnotsnowy Wow that's exactly what mine did!

Mine would ask to meet up, then on the day he would text and change the plan, saying something had come up so he could only meet up at X time at X place, which was invariably not doable for me. Then he would be like "please please, I just really want to see you" and acting really sad when I said I couldn't.

By using this clever trick, he would get out of meeting up (which he didn't really want to do) but keep me hanging on by making me believe he did really want to. Mission accomplished - he got the validation of knowing I still wanted him and also keeping me on the hook ready for the next time he needed another ego boost. This happened too many times for his excuses to be believable.

All very clever and manipulative now I look back. What I would say OP is never underestimate these men's egos.

One time we had arranged to meet, for the first time in a long time, I was really looking forward to it and he was too, we had arranged a time, but suddenly at the last minute he had to take his mum for a hair cut, when i expressed my disappointment, he would turn and accuse me of begrudging an old lady a bit of pampering!! 🤨
He twisted everything and yet to meet him he seemed like the quietest and most humble man you could ever meet. A real wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sadly I only learned this after it was too late.
Maybe it’s the same guy?!?!
Hope you don’t make the same mistake op. X

Yes! I was so confused because I knew in my gut something wasn’t right but I knew about narcissists (my father is one and I also had a long-term relationship with one) and this guy seemed so different to that. He was humble and seemed to be lacking in confidence - not at all arrogant or grandiose - so I keep thinking it can’t be narcissism. Then I stumbled across an article about covert narcissism and bingo! It was him to a tee. Had the most fragile ego and needed constant validation.

I’m afraid to say this guy kept me on the end of his string for over 20 years! I look back in wonder at how I fell for his act. Embarrassing.

@Thatsnotsnowy His name begins with an M, just in case 😂! I’m quite sure he had a string of women he was doing the same thing to.

And he comes to me all sad and upset and I can't not help. When I was upset he wasn't there though, must try and remember that

Absolutely remember that.

It's like pulling off a plaster, the faster you rip it off, the less it hurts.

Oh my everything you guys are saying is true!

This one also begins with an M!

It's all about wanting me to want him, not actually wanting him.

OP from the way you describe your feelings about him and the situation you sound like an empath, narcissists are often attracted to this type of person.

@Fr0thandBubble
Mine is an A.. quite sure I wasn’t the only one either.

Very humble, quiet but also a huge ego that needs validation.

Says he would love to see me but never does, again then twists to me about me being selfish etc....

Free yourself from this OP
He will never change and you are just letting yourself in for years of pain.

Please value yourself and what you really need.
It was very telling that when hes sad you feel you must support him, be there etc.
You are not responsible for the happiness/ sadness/ moods of others over your wellbeing.