Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

@PinkyX I think that’s a common theme, that they mirror back what they did to you and claim you are abusive and they are a victim like @Pebbledashery said. I’m just hoping the courts are experienced enough to see through it, but it is scary it’s like you’re handing over the last remnants of any tiny inch of control you might have still had in your own life and letting a complete stranger decide whether or not you deserved everything you got.
When I was little my DM had a framed pic of the poem ‘If’ on the wall, it’s still there now and I stopped and read it the other day, it really resonated.

@Smellbellina I think it's just finding that strength from the VERY pit of your stomach and fighting with everything you have.. and I know I can do it because he's done enough to my little girl and I will NOT let him do anymore.
Btw I love that poem! it's very apt!!
My ex is trying to make out I am obstructing contact and purposely withholding our daughter and I voluntarily left the family home!! funny that, last time i checked, SS ordered my daughter and I to flee and ceased contact because it was deemed too dangerous!!

Michelle nieves lee has a good clip on you tube on how to present yrslf in a court case with an abuser. Really helpful

I do worry that trying to protect the DC will be cast as me being vindictive, and of course that is what he will claim.
BTW thank you for this thread, I’m so sorry you are all in a similar situation but it is so nice to be able to talk to others who ‘get it’.

@Smellbellina you're so lovely and all you and your children deserve is happiness and safety. I'm grateful I started this thread too because all these men are all the same and we know it's not us.. How often does he see your kids x

@Smellbellina i think the majority of men claim that dont they, just hope the courts see through his bullshit for you! Ive been advised from a friend thats been through similar not to do 'he said she said' or say hes this or that as courts don't like it, just to slamdunk them with as much evidence as possible whilst he stands there slagging you off with no proof looking like a twat.
@Pebbledashery and yes thankyou so much for this thread its nice to be able to get things off your chest and hear other peoples stories and realise how similar our stories all are. This has really helped me so thankyou to all.
Also worth a listen to Katy Perry - Part of me. Not normally a fan of hers but this one song I think we can all really relate to and it really does make me feel better haha x

@pinkyx it's just knowing that they are trying to discredit you and that at some point you'll face a Judge who is completely impartial and has to make a decision on who he believes. I just feel utterly sick that my ex has completely reversed everything and made himself out to be the victim.. I don't know why I am so shocked I didn't expect anything less.
I think this thread is bringing a lot of perspective on our past situations with our abusers and I am glad it's giving people some comfort to talk about things. x

@PinkyX can I ask you Pinky, why were you so frightened to take your ex to Court? is it because of SS and they don't deem him to be a safeguarding risk? xx

@Pebbledashery there's a few reasons really but i think the main one is that I know exactly what he's like. He doesnt think before he acts and he is extremely violent towards me for absolutely no reason or for even just for the smallest of things like having an opinion on something, even when i was so careful not to say anything to set him off it still would. I dread to think what he would do if I ever went to court. And also I believe he would take my children and run with them, he doesn't care about the law at all, he would just do it in anger and revenge and not give them back. And yes I am also worried i wouldn't be believed and then it would make everything a million times worse for me and the kids, he convinced me for years I was in the wrong or it never happened. I actually had to start writing it all down just after it happened to read back on so I would know i wasn't going crazy and I'm scared that if he can convince the person he done it to then he could easily convince a court x

@PinkyX god I feel like you lived my life by just what you've posted. My ex was exactly the same 😢. In the end I just existed.. He used to confiscate my car keys on days I was supposed to go out and hid my make up. He pushed me down the stairs a few days after finding out I was pregnant. But what I will say to you pinky is you will find that fight inside you.. Whatever he says. You're the victim here. Not him. Did you have police and any positive social services involvement? X

I really want to hear a positive story about how the Family Court didn't fail an abused mother and her abused children and didn't give the father contact! x

Check out the acronym DARVO in google.
It’s when perpetrators/ abusers Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.

@PebbledasheryJust existing is the perfect word for it. I wasn't even allowed to do my driving lessons as he thought if I had a license I would be off meeting random men all over the country (i can't even go for a wee by myself with my kids let alone go driving around the country looking for men haha!) but hiding your keys and makeup shows his insecurity, his need to control how you look and where you go is just sad and pathetic! I cant believe he pushed you down the stairs whilst you were pregnant that has got to be the sickest thing you could ever do! I'm so sorry
The police have been amazing from the start, the lady who handled my case had also been through similar previous to her job and she really put me first, handled him well and just all round did an amazing job, and my new SW is a million times better than the last one but I still really struggle to trust them x
@Rammingspeed im having a read up on it now ive not heard of that before, thankyou

@PinkyX it's just awful these were actually men we once loved.. I can categorically say i feel zero positive emotions towards my ex.. The day I fled, I severed any emotion I had for him.. Its just so sad as an abused woman you're the one who has to fight till the very end.. He's just saying whatever the hell he wants.. Even down to his witness statement he's put "I was victim of all the behaviours the applicant is accusing me of" my blood almost boiled over. He tried to kill me the last physical incident we had.. He punched me in the face and when I tried to get up he floored me back down by pushing his hand down on my face, I felt something in my face go crack..then he proceeded to strangle me and his exact words were "why can't you just fING die you whre"... Our daughter witnessed the whole thing 😔. I'm so glad you have renewed faith Pinky. This man tried to take everything from you.. He has no regard for your child to do what he did to you in front of him..the courts have to protect your child. Do you have any injunction in place.. I would think about getting a non molestation order so he can't contact you without getting arrested. X

Some of his favourite lines are:
Thats not how I remember it
If you just kept your mouth shut none of this would be happening and we'd be happy
It never happened
You punched me
Thats a warning
If you wasn't such a slag in your past
You trapped me by having a baby
Everyone knows what you're like
God help them kids with a mother like you
Your an alcoholic just like your dad
You ruined my life
You exaggerate everything
Mocks me crying
You just love playing the victim
Your a narcissist
You are tapped in the head
refuses to be seen in public with me your an embarrassment
The list goes on but these are just a few of his daily faves.

@Pebbledashery i just read that and burst into tears, the choking is the scariest part I think I hate it even now if my daughter has a piggy back off me and puts her hands on my neck it brings it all back. Its so scary knowing your life is literally in there hands and they are so unpredictable that you don't know if they are even going to let go im so happy that you are out of it and left all feelings behind i wish i was as strong as you! And I did have one in place but he just kept breaking it anyway this is how I ended up pregnant and I didnt want to tell anyone at the time i was just stupid and not ready

@PinkyX I feel like you just mirror my life 😢😢😢.. My ex repeatedly called me a narcissist.. He repeatedly told me I had mental health issues and needed help.. It was the worst coercion ever.. Daily hammering.. You're sick, you're twisted, who would want a mother like you.. You're just a c.... Honestly. I think when I fled I was just on adrenaline and didn't want to stop.. I got myself and DD a new house, I put her straight back into a new nursery, and I went back to work.. All during lock down. I can't believe I did that. But what I'm trying to say to you is you're a lot stronger than you think.. My motherly instinct pushes me every single day to fight this bstard because I know he will abuse her and its the different between having a safe and loving life with me or being subject to his abuse and manipulation.. I have to save my daughters life and you will find it in you to do the same. Don't feel ashamed of anything because every part of you has to be ready to completely leave him.. When I fled I knew it was for good this time. I tried to leave him several times before.. When I was 30 weeks pregnant I walked out and I had nobody to stay with so I parked my car up by the station and slept in my car just to get away from him...but he still managed to entice me back with promises of a beautiful life together.. I think you have to be ready and I hope this thread at the very least has given you some strength and hope that you can protect your children from him xx

Hi all, just thought I'd post a quick update on my situation in the hope it gives you some comfort and inspiration in the system....
Just had my first call with CAFCASS which I was VERY VERY anxious about.
First off, the lady I spoke to was absolutely LOVELY - and secondly, I could genuinely tell she believed me... she reeled off ex partners extensive Police history which I was utterly shocked about.... I never even knew a quarter of those things that she told me.... my police history had NOTHING at all.
She took all my safeguarding concerns on board... she also asked me about me and my concerns about domestic violence towards me....
Basically ON the basis of what I have told her... and his police records and the social services information......... CAFCASS will NOT be endorsing interim contact and they are making a recommendation to go to a fact finding hearing.. she said it's like to be 6 months away because it'll be over 2 days...
My biggest fear was that he would get interim contact and know I know he hasn't I can get some peace for a few months...
CAFCASS officer said it is HIGHLY likely he will be ordered to do a DVPP before even contact is established... and also she will be requesting that he undergoes psychological evaluation.
Although I know I am nowhere near the finish line, this has given me the boost that I needed and ignited that fire in me and given me hope that the Courts system won't fail me.
I hope those of you thinking about initiating Court proceedings towards your violent ex have some hope after reading this x

And more importantly the Court system won't fail our Daughter.

Oh OP so pleased for you both. Well done for having the courage to ring them.

Just hope the rest of the court proceedings take the same direction and he doesn't get contact with her.. Its terrifying though

I got a half-hearted apology with a victim-blaming addendum.

I'm sorry I ...... but you .......

He minimised his actions and his excuses/justification for his actions was nonsense.

He used an exaggerated take on my actions from an event months before - that had no relevance whatsoever.

I asked him how my actions in something that happened months previously had any relevance to his actions. I couldn't see the connection. He couldn't explain it either.

He then went quiet, then said he was waiting for my apology.

I just looked at him and asked what I should be apologising for. He couldn't explain that to me either.

My ex made me apologise umpteen times for nothing!

No and he died very suddenly a month ago. I felt a mixture of emotions, I was relieved he was dead tbh which scared me slightly- started to question whether it means I’m an awful person for being sort of happy someone was dead. I did feel happy he was dead and I’ve forgiven myself for feeling that way now. Also felt angry that he never apologised or showed any real remorse. But then felt pity for his sad little life too, he died in his Mother’s house where he still lived in the same city he was born in. Had an incredibly insular life so I just thought, well at least his life was shit too.

Complex because he’s my brother’s Dad so I equally felt sad for my brother’s loss. Fell down a bit of a hole last week after discovering my brother’s go fund me page for the funeral. Knew a few of the people who had donated and just thought ‘you bastard, how could you put any money towards the funeral of such an evil cunt’. Tamed myself by thinking they probably didn’t know the true extent of his abuse, my brother didn’t either.

He wasn’t sexually abusive but he was physically and emotionally abusive towards me throughout my childhood. I know his death was painful and I was glad.

@Noitjustwontdo it really isn't an awful thing to be relieved if they have died... I know it's an awful thing to actually say out loud but that's how they made you feel. I've thought about it and I don't even think I would shed a tear....