Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

@Smellbellina you know.. You say that and I can't tell you it'll be the same for you.. But i have a NMO that my ex is trying to contest... When I read his witness statement I wanted to scream and scream and scream and my blood almost boiled over... He's basically reversed everything to say he's now the victim and I'm so aggressive and violent he's scared for his life.... But you know something..it just fuelled me.. Because I will not have that scum utterly discrediting me as a decent person and a good mother. You only have to look at our children to know how well cared for they are. I'm sad you felt defeated in that sense 😢.. I hope you have the strength one day to fight him because he's an abuser and he'll never change ❤️

@PinkyX

I hope that you aren't having joint meetings with him, because you are entitled to separate meetings.

They cannot on the one hand say that you failed to protect them from him and on the other say that he isnt a risk. It is illogical.

I had a nightmare with SS until I got the specialist DV SW involved. She gave some 'training' to the others. I only found out about her from attending the Freedom Programme.

You aren't alone. We have been there. You can do this.

@chickenyhead @PinkyX you know.. Its never ever about the kids.. My ex told me he'd fight me all the way for our DD.. So far I've seen zero fight just a pathetic man trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes.. I laugh at him. After he punched me in the face the next time I saw him he feigned crying and said he was sick of me abusing him and he's had enough and he wants to break free.. I just clapped my hands and said well done for such a wonderful performance.. You truly deserve as Oscar. The crocodile tears meant nothing.. I hope your ex loses interest in the kids.. They'll gain nothing from him except learn how to either be abusive or be scared.. That's the impact these b*stards have on our children.

@PinkyX honestly from everything you've posted.. I really feel you'd go a long way in court and he would he deemed as a severe safeguarding risk x

@Pebbledashery I just don’t know if it’s worth that fight? He is out of my head and that’s where I want him to stay, I don’t care what him or anyone else thinks as long as the DC and I are ok, I don’t know that the end will justify the means. And I’m scared.

@Smellbellina I do understand that and as long as you're at peace and you and your children are safe xxx

They've taken away so much already from us.

No. None of them. Mother, father, sisters, ex-husband, rapists. The worst one was my mother, who was more enabler than abuser herself, but this neglect equals abuse. She should have protected me but didn't & saw no wrong in the abusers behaviour. Even sided with them.

They don't apologise. My freedom came when I was able to accept that apologies weren't going to come - in hindsight, if the apology came, that meant behaviour shouldn't be repeated, so of course it wouldn't come! I eventually forgave myself for giving him more chances whilst trying to make head or tail of wtf was going on. Man that relationship fucked with me! Happy ending with an amazing DP now.

No. But I never gave him a chance to (not that he would have). We had no children so I cut any contact with him as soon as I kicked him out. I didn't need or want an apology. I just wanted him gone.

I saw him once for about a half hour after I kicked him out when we had to file a joint tax return. Foolish me agreed to let him 'stop by' to sign the paperwork. He sexually assaulted me but I managed to get free and make enough racket to scare him out the door. Not a thing the police could do about it because at that time there was no such thing as marital rape and we were still legally married. The fact that we had been separated for 5 months didn't make a difference.

Yes when he had gone too far, but it was always overwritten by him having needing to 'sort me out'. The irony of being called insane by the person who gaslighted me is not lost on me now.

Don't ask manipulators why they do what they do, because it is their instinct. Better just to get away.

@enough4me I know we'll never find out, but the curiosity as to why is always there.
@AcrossthePond55 so awful this happened, I am so sorry :( my exes dad used to do the same and exactly as you said - back in those days because you were married it doesn't count apparently! rape is rape at the end of the day.

Do you all think they know what they are doing and have done? Or do you think they have no idea and its normal to be this way? I know they won't admit fault but do they deep down know?

@Pebbledashery i changed my mind today, have been through his statement and sent back my 'observations' and will see him in court.
I don't even want a 'sorry' from him, it wouldn't mean anything if he did say sorry, but he is welcome to know i am not taking his shit anymore!

I don't think mine does, i think he genuinely believes he has the right to behave how he does and that it is my fault that i 'make' him.

@smellbellina :) I am really proud of you xxx
I feel really down today - my Solicitor has sent me my ex partners response to the schedule of allegations and it's just completely the reverse of everything I have been saying (which is fact and truth) he's saying he was subject to physical, psychological and mental abuse by me..
I know it's not true - but it's the thought of being questioned by a Judge and my integrity question.
He is such a b*stard I hate him so much :( How dare he make himself to be the victim.

Nope. One ex was violent and when I dumped him he was furious, he obviously had no understanding that him punching and choking me had anything to do with me telling him to get lost. Another ex (when I was a young teenager) was sexually abusive but he obviously thought his behaviour was fine, when we broke up I removed video tapes of me from his house and he was incandescent with rage (nowadays the police would be involved but it was a different world back then).

@Pebbledashery it’s so hard isn’t it? The first time I read his statement it emotionally floored me, it was like I was right back there mentally and I think this was why I was too scared to address it and thought maybe I would just hide instead, but I’ve been all through it today and actually I feel much better for it.
And I don’t care what anyone says anymore, I know what happened, I know he has no one right to treat me like that and I don’t deserve it and actually I will stick up for myself and whatever the ruling he can fuck right off!

@smellbellina I am glad you do lovely xxx because you didn't deserve to be treated that way!! nobody does!!
They are just such sick individuals.. I will never understand it.
My ex is something else.. he's making out he's a frail, frightened victim when he's 14 stone of pure muscle and could crush me with his little finger if he wanted to.
He's just disgusting.
Part of me doesn't think I have the strength to go into Children's proceedings..but I can't put my daughter in danger and allow contact outside of Court.. I just can't do it x

Never, because he will never admit and never see that how he behaved was wrong.

The problem is, to everyone else he is an amazing man. He was to me, at first. But over time things change.

It seems bizarre to me now that when we split (or when I escaped I suppose I could say) - 5 years ago - I chose not to tell people about what he did to protect the feelings of his mother, who I was and still am close to.

I often wonder whether that was the right thing to do, but thankfully he is still single so hopefully nobody else has been hurt by him.

@LindaEllen sounds so similar to my ex, charming to the outside world and would give me a beating behind closed doors.

@Smellbellina that is what I'm so petrified off, him convincing everyone else it was me. He keeps saying that I'm a narcissist or that i hit him first which I wouldn't ever dare to hit him at all like @Pebbledashery said could crush you with his little finger. Im going to start looking into family court now, you ladies have really encouraged me to face the reality.
@Pebbledashery child's proceedings?! But you've done nothing but protect them!
Hes been texting me and trying to call today, ive just ignored it but it gets to me so much! Fucking prick

@PinkyX I am so genuinely upset because today I told my IDVA that throughout all of this I have not told one single lie.. I don't need to lie because my exes abuse is documented by the Police and by SS.. SS took steps to removed BOTH myself and DD out of his house... if I was the perpetrator like he suggests I am they wouldn't have allowed a small child to flee with me!!
It's just sickening, I cited an incident where he punched me in the face... then he is saying I punched him in the fact.. it's mirroring everything I am saying.
BUT - what I will say is.. that the fact he is not accepting ANY responsibility and COMPLETELY victim blaming is probably going to be looked down upon.. in my statements I've admitted and taken responsibility for things and been genuine..
If he was punched in the face... why was I not arrested? this is what gets me.. police were called about 15 times and he was arrested 6 of those times... never ONCE have I been arrested?
Please do initiate Court proceedings and get an injunction on him so he can't contact you!! you and your children deserve to be safe x

@LindaEllen how are you doing now 5 years on? Thats the hard part they are so charming and lovely in between and to the outside world, we had a lot of mutual friends and they would never of believed. When hes under pressure he pops though, even had the nerve to try it with the police woman and kicked off but she wasn't having any of it then he's ringing her trying to be all nicey nice.

In 5 years time.. I hope my ex is in hell!