[quote Onthedunes]@ShebaShimmyShake
I understand your point of view entirely, its just some people have a different point of view.
I always think society can be pretty hard on the aggrieved wife, suck it up, stiff upper lip, don't be vengeful be forgiving.
And I also believe her husband is the enemy at the moment, he'd be no friend of mine.
I mentioned nothing about gossip mongering only the ow being informed, yes your right stating nobody cares but op does.
The woman got away scott free.
Affairs are devastating and unbelievabaly unfair her husband and the ow set up this new construct of how people should behave.
Normal etiquette doesn't apply.
What should the op do, start yoga , see a councillor curl up in a ball and take antidepressants ?
She sounds like she wants to take the power back, shes had two years to think about it and she don't sound too forgiving ![/quote]
What should the OP do? Keep it within her own marriage, with the only person capable of fixing or destroying his commitment to her. Decide what SHE wants to do without pegging her happiness on what happens to some outsider who isn't committed to her. Not take the risk of communicating with said outsider who really isn't at all likely to give her the answer she wants and is more likely to make her feel even worse somehow. Not try to deflect from the real problem, her husband, by trying to bring about consequences for OW that she doesn't want to impose on her husband.
Yoga, counselling and antidepressants if recommended sound like excellent options because they come from a place of self care, which OP needs, rather than a place of trying to punish someone else who never was your problem to start with. It's actually very telling that you think trying to get back at OW through gossip (which is exactly what you gave as the reason for naming her in any papers) is a better solution than these.
What you and some others don't seem to understand is that pegging your recovery and happiness on punishing OW is the exact opposite of taking back the power. Au contraire, it makes it impossible to recover on your own terms, but only as long as something bad happens to her. It gives HER the power, especially given it all finished two years ago. That's not long to heal from heartbreak like this, but it is definitely a long time to hold out for something bad happening.
We don't tell betrayed spouses not to be vengeful because we are being horrible or don't appreciate their devastation. We say it because a) it is so likely to backfire when OW could potentially tell OP terrible things or just ignore her b) it places the healing foundation in the wrong place, which should be self care and focus on the actual partner and c) it can indeed turn you into an awful person, even if you were wronged initially. Someone on here told us the other week about her sustained campaign of harassment and vengeance against OW and it was striking how many people, on MN of all places, thought she sounded totally hateful and began to think her husband might have had good reasons.
Sorry OP, I know you haven't mentioned most of this.