Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for posts I am very much reading them and welcome opinions. I'm not going to go into details re my marriage as it's difficult to condence a 18 year relationship into a few short lines. If folk do want to offer any practical advice on how my husband can restore a sense of trust and I can continue trying to regain it - it would be most welcome.

but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this

its been two years - would she even remember?!

I personally wouldn't. These fantasies rarely go the way you imagine they will. She doesnt' know the script she should be reading from in your narrative.

If you were genuinely interested in knowing about her experience of the affair and to listen openly to this, then maybe. But to want to make her feel ticked off like that, I just can't imagine it going well.

But OP never gave her reasons for staying ...

She said she was four weeks post partum and didn’t have the strength. She’s not explained why she’s still there two years later though

If folk do want to offer any practical advice on how my husband can restore a sense of trust and I can continue trying to regain it

I think if after two years that’s still not occured it never will op,I’m sorry.

How come there hasn't been any progress and you're still struggling so badly with this 2 years on? From the way you describe it, it could have just happened recently.

What has he done to rebuild trust? What do you think you need from him ?

The very best of luck OP. I’ve given my honest advice and since we’re all strangers on a forum with different life experiences and worldviews, you’re bound to give conflicting advice.

I hope you do what’s right for you overall and it’s good that you’re not rash or unreasonable. Best of luck to you whatever it is you decide to do.

to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future

I can understand revenge/clarity/reasons contact, but to ask someone to steer clear of breaking up another relationship? I don't get this OP. Do you want 'remorse' from her too? She seems to still have her own relationship intact, so really, she's not lost much apart from a lying, cheating bastard, who 'belongs' to someone else.

Hold your head high OP, don't bother with this, it's pure folly.

As for practical advice restoring your trust in said lying, cheating bastard, I think this is quite an individual issue. Personally I would never forgive a cheater, I may stay with them for a variety of reasons, but I would make our lives hell, I don't forgive easily, and I never never forget.

OP I truly hope you find a way of managing your thoughts and feelings, it is not easy

If folk do want to offer any practical advice on how my husband can restore a sense of trust and I can continue trying to regain it

In all honesty I don't. He was having an affair whilst you were pregnant and when you had a new baby. Of all the reasons to have an affair that is the one I find most grotesque, other than men who start an affair when their wife has a potentially fatal illness.

I don't think you can build up trust anyway, its something that you just feel. Trust is just that - it's trust, you hold it as an article of faith.

You can choose to live your life as if you did trust him, not trying to track his movements, not monitoring his phone usage. But as to actually feeling trust for him. That can't be manufactured.

To all the people saying ' tell her DH, destroy her marriage too.'

This woman has kids right? Their marriage may be perfectly fine and perfectly good. The kids may have a happy home-life. Don't make the kids collateral damage for your revenge (which won't actually help you and your marriage anyway and could prolong your healing as you wait hoping for their marriage to implode too - which it may not).

And don't anyone say, 'that is on the OW' cos that doesn't matter - in this case the family has survived and probably will continue to do so unless a bomb is thrown into it. . The kids don't deserve that. Let sleeping dogs lie for their sake.

@category12

How come there hasn't been any progress and you're still struggling so badly with this 2 years on? From the way you describe it, it could have just happened recently.

What has he done to rebuild trust? What do you think you need from him ?

I’m five years on from finding out and even though I’ve been away for three years the terrible pain is still there. Not all the time now but every so often. I don’t think you truly can get past it

@Summeronmymind5 You mention as a reason: D) Find information to clarify facts

It depends on the OW, she may or may not tell you the truth (and you may not know either way, but I hope you'd get a sense of what happened). Either way, it would be more information than you have now.

If those questions remain with you, then for that reason I would certainly contact OW. It might or might not work out, but personally I'd give it a try.

Also, to prepare, and so it not ad-hoc

• Write out the facts you want clarified in terms of questions
• Write out what you think are the likely answers (that will help you ask follow up question)

I hope the OW does engage meaningfully, but don't get your hopes up.

My ex cheated emotionally with several other women and unconfirmed physically with at least one other women. His version of events is highly suspect. Even his 'full' disclosure lacks cohesion. Emails revealed more.

OW got in touch with me, one to gloat and one to apologise. I don't need to speak to them to know that my ex is minimalizing and forgetting to mention many important details of his sordid adventures. Knowing will get me nowhere.

All you are going to find out is that your husband is very good at lying, totally unloyal to your marriage and tells all and sundry intimate details of your relationship that highlight all your failings according to your husband.

I think once the trust has gone then it's gone.

@Summeronmymind5

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them B) Do something rash/revenge C) 'Telling off' D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

If shes psychopathic enough to have done what she done with your husband

I really would not expect anything good to come for your interaction with this woman.
This of the abnormalities of her neurotype that made her initally think that this was a good idea and to also continue it for a long time. Mental.

You say you are going to contact her via text.
Do you really think a married mother (who’s husband doesn’t know) is going to confirm to you in writing that she had sex with your husband? That is just not going to happen. The fact that you need to ask a stranger because you can’t believe your husband tells you everything you need to know..

@Summeronmymind5

Again thank you for all these point. I should clarify I would not intend on having a face to face meeting - if I were her I would come. It would be a written message - probably a text, I hadn't even considered a phone call.

Honestly I think if you are going to do it OP do it! Do not txt though go the whole hog. Preferably meet in person or a phone call be direct there’s no point sending txts!

I don't think two years is a long time at all after something devastating, especially if you had a baby at the start of that time so you've had all the stresses of early parenting on top of that.

I take a fairly nuanced view of affairs...they are never "right", but they're not always an act of evil by irredeemably wicked and shitty people for the worst possible reasons. It really depends on the circumstances. But while you're pregnant and immediately after...those would have to be some very extenuating circumstances to make it forgivable.

But if you won't impose consequences on your husband (and you may have good reasons for that), then it would be hard to sympathise if you engineered a situation designed to get OW to get those consequences, especially if her husband and any kids would be collateral damage in the quest for one-sided revenge. (I realise OP doesn't seem to be considering this.) Doing it anonymously is particularly nasty. If you think it's your business enough to wade in there by telling him, it's horrible to decide that you're also the only one who should be shielded from the fallout.

And I don't think talking to her will get you any of the answers or results you want. I think she's likely to ignore you completely or tell you things you really don't want to know. Your husband is solely responsible for what he did to you, so take it from there and decide whether this can be salvaged.

I would. I did. I wrote to the OW. She was horrified when she got the facts. He had told her he was renting a room in my house and was the lodger. He'd also failed to mention our DC and felt dreadful that a child was missing their dad. He moved in with her when I threw him out. She soon got rid.

@ShebaShimmyShake I agree with the part about someone having an affair doesn’t mean they are a shitty or evil person overall. It probably seems like that from OPs point of view it just means the the OW did a shitty thing. It’s not as simple like your saying.

I wouldn't recommend contacting her - it may dent what sounds like a very fragile relationship atm. You may not be able to resist doing it though. Please be prepared to hear things thay may not make you feel better - you may not be allowed to just have your say but could also be told things you don't like. I get that ppl stay with a cheating partner because of kids etc but cannot understand why they do it when it causes them so much heart ache...

@Ismellphantoms

I would. I did. I wrote to the OW. She was horrified when she got the facts. He had told her he was renting a room in my house and was the lodger. He'd also failed to mention our DC and felt dreadful that a child was missing their dad. He moved in with her when I threw him out. She soon got rid.

From what OP's said, I get the impression that this OW already knows about his wife and family.

Someone I know did this. She rang the lady’s husband & told him. She then would give the OW about a hundred missed calls from a withheld number in 2minutes. I wondered and still wonder, to what end ? The OW is with her husband cos he forgave her. She on the other hand, eventually moved out of her family home with her children & is now going through her divorce process.

Do what suits you. Just understand the reason you are doing it & that it’s worth your while.

Why? What do you hope to achieve? You may want to direct those questions/ accusations/anger/etc at your DH.... if you want to stay with him see a counsellor and build on your trust etc.

Wow lots of exellent posts on this highly emotive suject.

It's also quite telling some of the responses, as to personel experiences and differing ages that have responded.

As one poster said we do not know enough about their marriage or the dynamics that hold it together.

What does seem clear is the op is not coping with the situation.

Judging her for not being strong enough to leave or being pathetic for wanting to contact the other woman isn't going to help her.

What it seems she wants is some sort of retribution for the two people who destroyed her world.

Understandable.

Totally understandable that she is not 'strong' enough to have left or to have stayed hapily getting over it in two years, as some people seem to think she should have.

She's grieving.

As another wise poster said, she really needs a conversation with herself.... when she's ready.

Meanwhile we could offer suggestions to ease her pain:

1. Tell said husband you will do same to him....whats good for the goose and all that. It also creates alovely feeling of paranoia on his part where by he's checking up on your behaviour.

A little taste of what your going through.

1. Tell him your thinking of filing for divorce and your going to name her as a co-respondant.

This would be far more effective than contacting her and humiliating yourself.

1. Take the time to get your ducks in a row even if you try to go down the forgiving route.

1. Don't feel bad if the husband finds out about the affair, people are talking as though it would be the cruelest thing, but its happened to you and your children.

I personally also think this man needs to know who he is living with, so he too can make informed choices.

Don't bother with the OW, I would also say don't bother looking for answers from you husband both people are vile self entitled shits.
You would be well to move away from this sordid entanglement, you know these people are beneath you.

You have standards why waste you time trying to make scummy people understand your point of view.

Wish you well, you never deserved this.

I think doing your research and preparing for all outcomes is a good idea. I'd tell him you intend to have a revenge affair to mess with his head only if you're absolutely sure you want to divorce and don't mind making it nasty.

I don't think naming her in the papers makes any difference except for any satisfaction you might get out of the officials involved seeing her name? I may be wrong, but that's my impression, perhaps someone can correct me.

I don’t think it’s wrong of you to let her know what she did to you emotionally. There’s a word for people like her who knowingly get involved with someone who is in a committed relationship. And it’s not taking blame away from your husband. They’re equally responsible for the pain they’ve caused you and I think it’s fine if you want to remind her of it.
If it feels like unfinished business for you and you feel it will help, do it.

I’m not sure about telling her husband though. It probably won’t help you long term to do so.