Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Standard MN theory is that the OW is a tramp/slag/slut/whore who shamelessly goes round fucking Other Women's Husbands without any thought or feeling and if confronted, she will tell you to fuck off without hesitation or punch you.

More likely is that she was in love with your DH and her was promising her the world as well as giving her a sob story about what a shit wife you were.

Women don't have affairs with men who tell them "I really love my wife she is a fantastic person and you are just a slut but I want a convenient hole to fuck and you will do".

If you confront her, you may hear things that you wish you hadn't.

Yes agree withh pp

@THisbackwithavengeance

Standard MN theory is that the OW is a tramp/slag/slut/whore who shamelessly goes round fucking Other Women's Husbands without any thought or feeling and if confronted, she will tell you to fuck off without hesitation or punch you.

More likely is that she was in love with your DH and her was promising her the world as well as giving her a sob story about what a shit wife you were.

Women don't have affairs with men who tell them "I really love my wife she is a fantastic person and you are just a slut but I want a convenient hole to fuck and you will do".

If you confront her, you may hear things that you wish you hadn't.

Is agree. But the OW may not be unreasonable or unapproachable she may be willing to hear OP out.

What did you decide OP?

I'm for telling her husband and leaving your yours I'm afraid. It clearly wasn't a I'm sorry I made a one night mistake situation was it?

OMG, people are still peddling the 'enticing woman line', the whole who will lead men astray. This is a sexism that has literally existed for Milennia.

No women entices a man and leads him astray. For the simple fact that he is a human being with agency. He chooses to engage in flirty conversation, chooses to meet her for a drink, chooses to get in his car and drive to a hotel, chooses to go to the hotel room. Chooses to kiss her. Chooses to take off his clothes. Chooses to put his penis in her. Chooses to do all that again and again and again. And chooses it gleefully and joyously. He can say no at all these stages. Just like we have all said not throughout our lives since childhood to people trying to get us to do things we know our wrong.

If OP decides to tell the OW's husband, it is not OP's fault that the children of that marriage end up with parents who have problems (or divorce). It is the fault of their lying cheating mother
No. The fact is that the OW marriage does appear to be in tact. So yes, the responsibility would be on OP for dredging this up two years down the line, and to, as others say, to try to force consequences on OW that OPs own husband is not facing. This action would purely be about letting OP vent her own feelings. Its not about justice - because that would involve, OPs husband losing his own marriage and family. Its about vengeance and not caring if kids get hurt in the consequence.

I must admit I am appalled at the hypocrisy of people here, slagging the OW for doing what serves her without caring about the consequences to others, yet encouraging OP to do what feels good to her without caring about the consequences to CHILDREN. People peddling this linee are not better than the OW, in fact they are probably worse.

@blindinglyobviouslight

OMG, people are still peddling the 'enticing woman line', the whole who will lead men astray. This is a sexism that has literally existed for Milennia. No women entices a man and leads him astray. For the simple fact that he is a human being with agency. He chooses to engage in flirty conversation, chooses to meet her for a drink, chooses to get in his car and drive to a hotel, chooses to go to the hotel room. Chooses to kiss her. Chooses to take off his clothes. Chooses to put his penis in her. Chooses to do all that again and again and again. And chooses it gleefully and joyously. He can say no at all these stages. Just like we have all said not throughout our lives since childhood to people trying to get us to do things we know our wrong.

If OP decides to tell the OW's husband, it is not OP's fault that the children of that marriage end up with parents who have problems (or divorce). It is the fault of their lying cheating mother
No. The fact is that the OW marriage does appear to be in tact. So yes, the responsibility would be on OP for dredging this up two years down the line, and to, as others say, to try to force consequences on OW that OPs own husband is not facing. This action would purely be about letting OP vent her own feelings. Its not about justice - because that would involve, OPs husband losing his own marriage and family. Its about vengeance and not caring if kids get hurt in the consequence.

I must admit I am appalled at the hypocrisy of people here, slagging the OW for doing what serves her without caring about the consequences to others, yet encouraging OP to do what feels good to her without caring about the consequences to CHILDREN. People peddling this linee are not better than the OW, in fact they are probably worse.

Excellent post and yes, I agree, in some ways you could argue that that is worse. Because while affairs are obviously wrong and dishonourable and devastating, they are not usually conducted as an attack. They're done usually to make the people involved feel good, not to make others feel bad. Deliberately trying to wreck a family, including innocents, out of vengeance, is actually in a different field. Especially if you don't think that this grand justice should be served on the people that you care about.

It's all a horrible situation and I do feel for OP, who doesn't deserve this awful devastation. It's a bereavement and it will take years to resolve in whatever way. I don't want to trivialise her pain and loss. But I can't support this idea that it somehow does any justice or good to throw a grenade into a family two years later just for revenge, especially if one wouldn't allow oneself or one's own children to suffer the same.

It's interesting to me that much of the conversation has turned toward should I tell the husband. Its not really what I originally ask - I mentioned I was tempted but since it has come up I will say this. As I said at the start, I would struggle with doing this as it may make me no better if I were acting out of revenge. I struggle because I have been told that he did suspect and she lied her way out of it. I feel like I am getting a strange mix of being thought of weak for not leaving (this is possibly quite true) but I try to frame it as strong for staying and be willing to have the tough conversations. As for the OW husband - he has the same agency as well - I honestly don't know whether someone who asked to know the truth but didn't get it should be left in the dark (I am also away, this is based on what she said, even that could be a lie). It would be up to him if stayed or left but I don't doubt that would have an impact on their children. I struggle with the idea of do for others what you would want for yourself. If we are asked 'would you want to know if your partner was having an affair?' most would say yes. If you are asked 'would you tell a friend if you knew their partner was having an affair'? It becomes less clear despite it being a certainty the affair happened.

When it comes to telling someone about their partner's affair, I think it really depends on how well you know them, what you do actually know as fact and the circumstances around it. There was a thread recently in which an OP had seen two work colleagues (one married) whom she barely knew having dinner together at a hotel out of town, having been a bit flirty with each other in the office too. The obvious answer is usually correct, but she still didn't know anything more than what she had seen, and she hardly knew these people so she really wasn't in any position to make judgements about what was best or to appoint herself an agent of supposed justice in their lives. A lot of people thought she should tell him anonymously; I feel that if you think it's your business enough to get involved like that, it's your business enough to own the consequences too. On the principle of "first, do no harm", together with the fact that these people were nothing to do with her, I was inclined to think that she should stay out of it.

Your situation is obviously a lot more complicated, and I think anyone would understand why you might be tempted. I'd maintain, though, that two years on, in a marriage that seems to be intact and with kids involved, that it just isn't your place to drop this bomb with the husband and kids as collateral damage. Even if she is "your" OW. The issue is your husband's infidelity, not hers. She could be anyone. You obviously would rather try to fix things for your family's sake and that's very understandable. But it would be hard to justify trying to bring about consequences for OW if you have good reason for not wanting those same consequences on your own family. It also wouldn't solve the trust issue with your husband. It might even cause him to view you differently and bring about an outcome you don't want.

None of this is intended to take away from your suffering, which is great and undeserved. But it's actually a separate issue. It's your marriage you need to focus on, not hers.

So anyway. No, I don't think you should contact the OW. I think you are most unlikely to get any response that will make you feel better (she may well have things to tell you that you don't want to hear), and that the person who owed you fidelity is your husband, who would have betrayed you with his propositions, even if she had said no.

So what have you decided to do ?

If someone asks a third party the direct question 'do you know if my spouse is having/has had an affair?' that third party has a moral duty to answer truthfully. The problem is that third parties would not (usually) be present in the bedroom or wherever the physical aspect is taking place. There is, then, the grey area of what counts as 'knowing' that a person is embroiled in an extra-marital affair.

Don't tell the DH, he's decided to believe what she says. Or maybe he did not believe it but decided to stay anyway. He's made his choice. And he's kept to it. Its not for you, or anyone, to open this up again.

I don't think you are weak for staying. Everyone lives their own life in their way for their own reasons. There were no easy choices available to you once you found out. You have a tough decision to make between two hard, unenviable choices. I hope you can find your own peace again OP.

If it's my post you are referring to, OP, I didn't say you were weak for staying. I was responding to another poster putting a value judgement on the strength of your marriage because you were staying.

It's not weak to leave and nor is it weak to stay but decisions to stay shouldn't be based on fear of being alone or losing a comfortable situation. How could that ever work in reality? All that would happen is that the betrayed spouse would tacitly accept the cheating and from that point, be unable to function in the relationship as an equal partner.

The OW and her husband are not your business really. Posters have cautioned you about taking this up because a) you may get a scenario where OW was wanted by both - her husband and yours - and how will that feel? and b) it's vengeful and reduces your behaviour to an even lower level.

This is two years on. If you really felt that the husband should know - from the position of knowledge to benefit him - you would have told him then. Telling now would in no way benefit him and may open a can of worms that you really don't want. Take your shot then and accept the consequences of your own behaviour which would be based purely on spite.

I can hear your hurt, pain and frustration at the 'scot free' aspect that you imagine but healing yourself is the only thing that matters and your continued focus on somebody who was no part of your marriage, as opposed to the one who was supposed to be firmly signed up to it, can't escape you. How can you go on with that ever-present thought niggling away at you all the time? For your sake, close that door soon.

If you want to stay in your marriage then that is your decision and I hope it is your husband's focus too; he should be putting in the time and effort to reassure you that your decision was the right one. At no time are you obliged to keep going with it though, however much effort he puts in. He changed the rules. He did all of it. This OW? That OW? Any OW... all of them powerless without your husband's willingness to engage and deceive you. That is the point that so many are making, because it's true.

I really do wish you peace in your journey OP; this is a horrible situation but ultimately, only you can make the decision to let it go now and have a totally honest agreement to commit to your marriage with your husband - or to keep carrying this with you and living a half-life.

I posted in response to OP's latest post but took so long to type it that other posters have posted first, and much better.

This is clearly still very raw for you and I feel for you OP. You have had some sound advice, however although I agree with most of it, my personal unpopular thought process would be to tell the husband so that OW is not getting away with the turmoil you have endured.

Using kids as qualateral damage? she should have thought of that before having an affair. The husband has a right to know in my opinion.

Using kids as qualateral damage? she should have thought of that before having an affair

That psychological device to avoid responsibility for your actions as a 'teller' doesn't wash anymore than the psychological devices OP's husband would have used to justify his actions in having an affair.

@combatbarbie

This is clearly still very raw for you and I feel for you OP. You have had some sound advice, however although I agree with most of it, my personal unpopular thought process would be to tell the husband so that OW is not getting away with the turmoil you have endured.

Using kids as qualateral damage? she should have thought of that before having an affair. The husband has a right to know in my opinion.

She should have, yes. But so should OP, and the mother's irresponsibility doesn't make OP the automatic active agent of destruction in a family that is currently at least as secure as her own.

You're honest about wanting him to be told so that OW doesn't get away with it, but how do you square that with OP's husband getting away with it?

(That's absolutely not a criticism of your choices, OP. Just again trying to explain why you can't use "because she deserves it" as a justification if it doesn't apply equally to the party that had a responsibility to you because of the equal effects on your own family.)

You've both had counselling and nothing has changed and at this point you really shouldn't still be thinking about this.

It seems like you would rather take any course of action over acknowledging that the marriage is irreparable. Half truths and minimising are not a suitable starting point in the first place.

I really don't know what you hope to gain by confronting her as the time to do that would have been two years ago. Are you hoping to get the genuine heartfelt apology you never got from your husband -if he wouldn't give you that what makes you think she will?

She's not going to tell you when she and your husband last had sex (if she remembers), she's not going to tell you anything.

Reason being her DH doesn't know (you said you've heard she lied to him and admitted nothing) ... And she'll be on high alert for quite some time about you telling him (or some route). The more details you have, the more convincing and the harder for her to lie her way out if it.

I reckon she'll just block you.

As for telling her to consider her actions and the consequences in future; if she hasn't come to that conclusion herself by now .. you telling her isn't going to make her. You'd be wasting your breathe.

Cheating on your spouse at all, but especially when they're carrying you child is low, low, low.

You're essentially suffering two years in because you know it and you know you're continuing to live with, be a partner to, sleep with etc. a low individual who lacks integrity and loyalty to his life partner and family. There is no dealing with people like him, people fuck their mental health (and sometimes physical health) trying to deal with the dissonance. It always leaks out.

Also if they'll do it once ....

Personally I'd tell her husband, anonymously perhaps (but without enough detail to be convincing .. he already suspected so your groundwork is laid).

That's not because I think your husband isn't entirely to blame (as another poster alluded to; she could only buy if your husband was selling), but because her DH has the right to know he's with a cheater. It's his right to make informed decisions about his life and future, just like you .. and she's depriving him of that right.

Oh and if she can leave a big ol' turd in your garden (not actually referring to your DH there, though if the shoe fits ...), I'd have no hesitation in leaving a big ol' turd in hers.

Sorry I should have added; if you asked her when they last had sex by any recordable medium; you realise you've then got hard evidence to send her DH - she's not going to answer that.

No-one has the right to decide what the husband wants or has a right to know. Only he knows that - you have no right to presume it.

I can tell you for a fact that when I was married if you had come along to tell me about a two years dead affair , I would be bloody furious with you for having the arrogance to think you could come along and fuck with my life my kids and then just piss off to satisfy your own spite dressed up as righteousness? Nah.