Should I contact the other Woman

[Summeronmymind5]

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I understand the hatred and anger, but for God's sake direct it at the person who caused it, the only person in the world who had the power to cause it - the one who promised you they wouldn't! The cheating partner who's responsible for their commitments!

Attempting to take out Woman A, and by extension her kids, because Your Husband was a shit to the kids you share with him will solve none of your problems and doesn't give you the moral high ground. She could have been anyone, it matters only what your spouse did.

Mm.. I think it’s morally repugnant for a women to do this. My ow knew me and my children and worked with dh. Not innocent.

I was furious with him too but thought I loved him so it’s much harder to have that pure fury towards him.

As I say, I was just absolutely distraught and blindsided. I think for all these reasons it’s pretty hard to come back from such betrayal.

I’m now sane (ish) and in a lovely happy relationship

I know it's the husband that OP should be angry with however I knew a woman (a former colleague) who seemed to get a kick out of enticing married men by talking about how much she loved sex and how adventurous and great in bed she was and liked threesomes etc. I even overheard her talking to a married man like this when she knew his wife was ill.

I'm not saying that an OW is any more to blame than the husband but sometimes some women really disappoint me in the lengths they go to to bolster their own ego.

That is a low self worth

sarahjessicaparka, I understand that, I really do but, as OwlOne says, (if she's replied in response to your post) your former colleague's self-worth is/was on the floor. What about these married men that she managed to entice somehow? Would it not have occurred to any of them to think, "Hang on a minute, I have a wife and child(ren) at home and no woman is worth risking what I have". Why are their wives and families not enough? They should be.

Everything you say in your post and in so many others on this thread seems to be be saying, "Yes, yes, I know husband was dreadful, but OW is evil incarnate and should have known better/walked away" and it's almost as if the obligatory comment about husband was made as a preamble to dispense with quickly so as to get to the real target - the OW. That's not right. The OW or OM has no power to attract somebody who isn't interested.

I've been both. The OW and the betrayed. I see this from both sides. Some OW might well be doing their best to tantalise a married man but know this... a man has agency of his own to refuse and he bloody well should do that if he's married. I know of a few men who are devoted to their families and even if they were tempted, they just wouldn't go there - and it's not for lack of opportunity, they just wouldn't.

That's what we all hope for when we marry but, for some, it doesn't work out that way. It is ALWAYS the responsibility of the cheating spouse - and nobody else. You absolutely should be able to expect your husbands/wives to stay faithful. No argument from me about that.

Everything you say in your post and in so many others on this thread seems to be be saying, "Yes, yes, I know husband wasdreadful, but OW is evil incarnate and should have known better/walked away" and it's almost as if the obligatory comment about husband was made as a preamble to dispense with quickly so as to get to the real target - the OW.

Bang on.

Iknew a woman (a former colleague) who seemed to get a kick out of enticing married men by talking about how much she loved sex and how adventurous and great in bed she was and liked threesomes etc. I even overheard her talking to a married man like this when she knew his wife was ill.

Did it work?

You'd be better off leaving your husband than meeting her.

It's been 2 years and this is still bothering you and you still don't trust him.

You don't have to stay and keep trying to work it out. It's OK to call time and end a marriage.

Marriage is supposed to be mostly happy and is built on trust.
How happy are you now?

Having been through this but having split from my ex I do understand. But you need to not allow her to take over your head space. Don't allow her to become that important, she was just a means by which your husband betrayed you. Please concentrate on your own needs and wants and life. Not your husbands and certainly not hers. Your marriage may or may not be worth saving but you deserve to enjoy your life and not waste it obsessing over something that happened two years ago. Be kind to yourself above everything.

If OP decides to tell the OW's husband, it is not OP's fault that the children of that marriage end up with parents who have problems (or divorce). It is the fault of their lying cheating mother.

That other marriage is not happy and unified. The OP would not be the one to destroy it. Affairs are both a symptom and a cause of estrangement between two parents.

By telling the OW's husband what has been going on, OP would be giving him the chance to understand what has been happening in his own life, and to understand who he is married to.

@PurrBox

If OP decides to tell the OW's husband, it is not OP's fault that the children of that marriage end up with parents who have problems (or divorce). It is the fault of their lying cheating mother.

That other marriage is not happy and unified. The OP would not be the one to destroy it. Affairs are both a symptom and a cause of estrangement between two parents.

By telling the OW's husband what has been going on, OP would be giving him the chance to understand what has been happening in his own life, and to understand who he is married to.

Thought experiment: suppose she tells the other husband and he decides, like she did, to stay and impose no serious consequences. Will that make OP happy? Or you, for that matter? She's done her duty, he has the knowledge now, but he decides to do the same as she did and stay. How do you all feel? And why?

Ow did not owe you the decency not to fuck your life up. But you do owe her the decency not to force her to face the woman whose life she fucked up cause poor innocent her.

I never understood this bit of MN.

They never considered you, but your existence made it more exciting.

Fuck it let her see you exist outside of her thrill by making her squirm a bit. No doubt you've done it to him.

Then leave him.

Would you want to be told by OWs husband about the affair?

I fucking would.

Fuck em. They fucked each other and fucked both of you. Why should they get away with it.

It's not kindness to keep quiet.

You won't get what you want out of the meeting if she agrees to meet or talk to you at all.
It is your DH who lied and cheated and let you down. I expect that if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

It's been a couple years and you're still seething.
It's possible meeting her might give you closure on the whole relationship because if the relationship was repaired it shouldn't still bother you.

Fuckem. They fucked each other and fucked both of you. Why should they get away with it.

Well, he's been getting away with it for two years, so I guess the question is why OW deserves consequences from OP when the man who betrayed OP doesn't.

From the way she's talking about him I don't think he has got away with it scot free sounds like she doesn't love him anymore but can't let go yet.

This might force that.

Why does op deserve consequences two years later?

She still living with it that's a consequence.

@blindinglyobviouslight

The pain of the betrayal and the destruction of my children’s lives was so fucking horrendous that I really really wanted those who had caused it to suffer

So despite knowing the pain caused to your children you would be prepared to cause other innocent children to go through that?

Your husband caused it. Take it out on him.

This.

@lilmishap

Why does op deserve consequences two years later?

She still living with it that's a consequence.

Nobody says OP deserves this. On the contrary, several people have said she deserves better than to live like this.

But it's hard to see why someone would be so determined that OW deserves punishment if their own husband doesn't.

It's so little to do with her, really. If it wasn't her - it would be someone else; your issue is your husband and he's a cheater.

You're clearly not over it (nor should you be), but you can't go on like this. If you stay with him you move on and draw a line. That's clearly not happened here and this must be destroying you, I'm sorry OP - you tried. You deserve better.

Don't contact her - it won't make you happy and it won't change that your husband who made vows to you, broke them.

Deep down - why did you stay? Why do you stay? If you still don't trust him and want to verify facts..... it's over.

Punishment? She cheated on her husband and he doesn't know. she's never had to apologise to the OP, she's never had to face up to the consequences of what she did. It's not punishment to face the woman who's married you had a hand in destroying.
Why does her husband deserve to stay married to a woman who doesn't want him enough to be faithful? What did he do wrong?

Marriage not married.

For all OP knows they could still be in contact.
She probably hasn't slept properly for two years , has been suspicious policing him, given birth, without the peace of mind a newly married mother deserves and endured her husband and OW ruining what should be the most beatiful times of her life.

You have been through so much.

I wouldn't trust him or her, they lack any sort of empathy or morals but don't you think the ow husband could do with knowing whose sticking what in hiis wife, if only for his sexual health.

OP I would advise you do the same and get tested.

I do not wish to distress Op but these are the harsh facts when people have multiple sexual partners.

I still wouldn't contact her though, shes nothing, doesn't deserve your conversation or time but I would be in favour of her husband knowing.

He deserves to know.

@lilmishap

Punishment? She cheated on her husband and he doesn't know. she's never had to apologise to the OP, she's never had to face up to the consequences of what she did. It's not punishment to face the woman who's married you had a hand in destroying. Why does her husband deserve to stay married to a woman who doesn't want him enough to be faithful? What did he do wrong?

Well, why does OP deserve to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be faithful? She's not the great arbiter of justice. What if she tells the guy and he decides to do exactly what she's done, and stay? What will she do then to ensure OW gets her consequences? And will she do the same to her husband?

And even if OW is then left alone and homeless in sack cloth and ashes, what good does that do if OP's husband still can't be trusted not to do it again?