Harassment

[Smallprint12]

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

Hello everyone, today I had my meeting with a trusted partner. I have been anxious especially yesterday but it went well. I feel empty but relieved Fortunately he is off so I don't have to see him. I was honest (left a few things due to shame)with them however embarrassing it was. I told them I didn't want him to lose his job but they said its unlikely to come to that unless he continues and is investigated and found to be harassing me. Also he will get his chance to explain and it may come to nothing. They explained my options ie a formal investigation, speaking to him with someone there, someone speaking to him etc. I asked that someone speak to him and if it continues I can ask for an investigation. He also will get a chance to say his side. I can also ask to be moved to another team but they would still deal with the issue. Someone will be in contact with me.
To those saying I'm being unfair as I willingly had the affair, I agree this is why I struggle with guilt.I am not a victim i don't know how to describe what is happening. In my posts i haven't said about the nude pictures he has sent several times.
I delete them as its a work phone. He is blocked from my phone. I haven't mentioned the several voice mails he leaves . I delete because i do not want him to get in trouble. I never wanted things to get out of hand. I have tried to make him see sense but he refuses. I just want us to go back to being colleagues.

I haven't had contact since last visit. I have been told to keep a record incase a proper investigation has to be done.

You haven't been honest with them if you left stuff out.

You haven't taken this seriously enough if you've deleted and not mentioned nude pictures he has sent on work phones. If you didn't tell them he's done that and have deleted evidence of it, you've hugely undermined your case.

He's not going to see sense.
You can't just go back to being colleagues.

I'm not sure how much they can help you as you still haven't been honest with them and I suspect that if he showed up you would let him in again.

I wish you well but if I'm honest, and I hate to say this, I think you'd be better of looking for a new job as this situation has got out of hand because you haven't been honest and swing from minimising to not accepting your role in this.

By your role I don't even mean the affair itself, I mean the mixed messages, blurred boundaries, telling him you hope he's back soon etc.

For whatever reason it seems like you don't want to fully let him go either.

Good luck.

He deserves everything her gets OP. You are entitled to end this relationship, regardless of his marital status, you are ALLOWED to say no more.

I hope you told them he is turning up at your home etc..

Oh please.. As if someone genuinely being harrassed would delete evidence and let their harasser in their flat - TWICE

This person allegedly harasses you so much you might have to leave your job you enjoy and you worry about him losing his job and feel oh so guilty? Errrr ok sounds more like youre playing martyr and victim looking for attention online

I haven't mentioned the pictures because initially before break up I didn't mind, this is after. I delete because regardless of his behaviour im also to blame.if anything I was very much willing at 1st.I would never want him to get into serious trouble. He may chose to show them my messages and pictures which would be embarrassing for me but i hope not.As some people have said men sometimes end up being punished unfairly. I went into this relationship willingly , i do not wish to destroy his career. I only want him to move on. I still struggled to see it as harassment hence my seeking advice.

You’re really not helping yourself at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up with egg on your face.

I said all along it was harassment and was quite defensive of you when people suggested otherwise.

Since you let him in again and messaged him to say you hope he will be back at work soon, I'm struggling to see it too to be honest.

I hope you learn some lessons from this but as I say I have a suspicion you would let him in again if he showed up now. And reply to him if he messaged you saying he's said. And tell work not to pursue it if he will get in any trouble.

What a mess. I feel for his wife and kids the most.

You're getting something from this situation, whether its conscious or subconscious, as you had clear and solid advice from people and chose to repeatedly ignore it and then send a text saying you hope he's back soon... hopefully at some point you'll work out why you're perpetuating it so you can stop this happening again with someone else.

I was honest (left a few things due to shame) with them however embarrassing it was

I wouldn't worry, TBH; when he (rightly) gets the chance to give his own account he'll almost certainly drop you in it, and then they'll wonder what else you've withheld
The same applies to him over the dick pics of course, but sadly you've once again undermined your own credibility by deleting them

Wouldn't it be easier to just start looking for another job, so you can leave behind the mess you've both created and start afresh?

I feel for his wife and kids the most

I imagine anyone with the slightest amount of empathy would

Granted it's not OP who made vows to her, but it's noticeable that not once has she expressed any remorse in that direction, except to say (twice) that this idiot would become her problem if his wife kicked him out

So you deleted all evidence from your phone to back up what you're saying, knowing that you were going to HR with it? Why would you do that? And you've let him into your home twice recently?

This sounds more like a relationship that is going through problems than harassment. I don't know what you expect HR to do if you are letting into your home in the evenings and have deleted all the evidence.

I delete because i do not want him to get in trouble Because obviously just ignoring him is too much trouble.

Because the other interpretation is that you're infatuated with a married man who is trying to break it off and you are fabricating nonsense to get him into trouble. Not saying thats whats happening, but its hardly unknown.

You are remarkably unconcerned about him being a married man with a family.

It doesn't matter that you wanted it at first, you're getting messed up because they were off in the first place.

If you remove the fact that he's married or don't consider his age then this is the scenario. You have a relationship. You end it. He starts manipulating you, sending you voicemails and sending sordid pics (doesn't matter that you liked them when you were in a relationship, you've requested it to stop). This would not be ok.

You really need to think like this, all this suddenly feeling sorry for him etc is what is so awful.

I also suspect that at some stage the nudes were a two-way street, weren’t they? You also don’t want that too-closely investigated, do you?

You keep going on about how cruelly you dumped him. So? His behaviour since then marks him out as a selfish nutjob who wanted you to keep having pity sex with him for two months so he would feel happier. That is more than enough reason to keep him dumped. He is a nasty stalky creep.

@Smallprint12

I agree with everyone, im just going to let work deal with it. I was thinking that at work we safeguard patients ie if they report abuse etc. I often encourage my patients to go through with the investigation when they are reluctant. Im going to practice what I preach.

Which Trust allows Nurses to WFH?

Love, he wants out of his marriage. That's all this is about. He sees you as his escape route.

Community nurses work from home in most trusts (mental health) of course some times I need to see clients face to face but its mostly video calls now ir just normal calls. I still go in at least once or twice a week same with everyone else.

Nudes im ashamed to say I did send a few but that was at the start.
I'm now going to wait for work to deal with it.

So assuming he still has them, (he will) you are equally likely to be sacked.

@Smallprint12

Community nurses work from home in most trusts (mental health) of course some times I need to see clients face to face but its mostly video calls now ir just normal calls. I still go in at least once or twice a week same with everyone else. Nudes im ashamed to say I did send a few but that was at the start. I'm now going to wait for work to deal with it.

Nudes between the two of you on your work phones?

@Smallprint12

Community nurses work from home in most trusts (mental health) of course some times I need to see clients face to face but its mostly video calls now ir just normal calls. I still go in at least once or twice a week same with everyone else. Nudes im ashamed to say I did send a few but that was at the start. I'm now going to wait for work to deal with it.

Until the recent turns, I didn't feel the need to comment... Sorry, but I think you're shirking responsibility here because you can't shake your intense people-pleasing behaviours. You need to take ownership of this and actually do what needs to be done. This means telling him it's over in no uncertain terms and ditching the ridiculous idea that you have to shoulder 100% of the blame and take him in like an injured batshit, creepy, gaslighting, MARRIED creep in a mid-life crisis animal when he has to face the music for his own actions as some sort of karma and retribution for your role. You're not the one that's married for one thing. Fake it til you make it and get it done.

Quivering under a rock while the 'adults' at work fix it for you isn't OK when you're 26 and in a professional setting...

I strongly suggest you look into some of the self-referral services that you know are available as part of the community mental health team to tackle your problematic behaviours. In the very least, a self-help book.

I haven't commented before as I felt I was going against the flow and missing something , as I thought you were getting something from the whole drama of the situation. The chap in question is unquestionably behaving badly but honestly the mixed messages that you are sending him are appalling , letting him into your flat, you've been sending him nude photos , and some of your posts read very oddly . In one you say you are glad his wife is there so he has someone !! If you were that glad his wife was there you wouldn't have started this situation in the first place! I'm sorry , but as another poster says you've shot yourself in the foot. Get a grip, disengage completely and stick to it !

How are you OP

How are things now OP?