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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Harassment

197 replies

Smallprint12 · 29/10/2020 17:43

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

OP posts:
cameocat · 22/11/2020 15:56

I felt a bit for you OP until I see that you let him in a second time and answered his text. It doesn't matter if you were cruel I'm ending it that is not your responsibility. You call the police next time he turns up at your house. You don't reply with pleasant texts you continue to be straight 'whether you leave your wife or not I am not going to be in a relationship with you'.

Smallprint12 · 22/11/2020 16:16

I agree with everyone, im just going to let work deal with it. I was thinking that at work we safeguard patients ie if they report abuse etc. I often encourage my patients to go through with the investigation when they are reluctant. Im going to practice what I preach.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 22/11/2020 16:24

Christ. Its not really "abuse". You willingly had a relationship with him, and its still continuing in some shape or form. He hasn't threatened you or abused you or put you in fear to any criminal degree. In fact you are encouraging him and are maintaining contact and willingly letting him into your home. Its an unsuccessful relationship.

Theres no employment relationship at stake here where he is in a direct position of power over you either.

I'm usually all for women in these circumstances, but men also get unfairly labelled when sometimes they are just being foolish idiots. You almost sound as though you are a bit obsessed with him and you are out to ruin his life. Its all just a bit too glib...

78percentLindt · 22/11/2020 18:13

You are being hands off and are leaving it to work now. You need to e mail or text to tell him that your relationship is over he is not to contact you and if he turns up at your house don't let him in and call the police.

Anything else will be misconstrued.

xsquared · 22/11/2020 18:30

I know it's going to take a lot of resolve on your part @Smallprint12 but your safety and mental health is your priority, not his opinion of you and certainly not what goes on in his marriage.

You seem to be overly concerned about not being "the cold hearted bitch" by being nice to him.

You are not doing anyone any favours by giving in to him.

You need to stick to your word, no matter how harsh you think you're being, and respect yourself. When you learn to respect yourself, others will respect you and know how you want to be treated. That is far more important than being "nice".

Wishing you the best.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/11/2020 18:34

My mistake is when he is standing outside my door its difficult to ignore him

No, that's not a "mistake" but a choice, like getting involved in the first place and encouraging this to continue

With the email trail he's got and now this, it might be wiser to simply move jobs instead of damaging your credibility still further by telling HR you were "just trying to be kind" ... I doubt it'll fly, frankly, and can't see any way you'll come out of this well

Good luck in future though, and next time do at least try to stay away from married men

NettleTea · 22/11/2020 18:37

yes a simple text

We are Over.
Please do not contact me by any means
Do not come to my house or I will call the police.

NettleTea · 22/11/2020 18:39

and yes, it is difficult when someone is weeping and using manipulation at your door, but you still dont have to answer. Put a pair of headphones on. Play loud music. Go into the garden if you have one so you cant hear him.
If he wont go away, phone the police.
You dont have to answer the door
you dont need to speak
you dont need to reply to an email or text, or pick up the phone
the only person who can MAKE you do those things is YOU

user1471565182 · 22/11/2020 18:44

Well you're just willingly carrying on in the destruction of his wive's life now arnt you really. Wheres the thought for her 'sad'ness? ridiculous.

Isthisit22 · 22/11/2020 21:25

Sorry but how on earth can you expect 'work to deal with it' when you are still willingly letting him in your house?

I can't believe you let him in a second time. HR will not be interested if you continue like this, as clearly you are having an active relationship with him.

Bigfootmama · 23/11/2020 07:46

HR are not going to be interested once they start looking into this. You are completely contradicting yourself and making yourself look unreliable with the truth.

If anything they may well switch positions and support him, they could potentially think you are actually the problem because you are potentially setting him up (complaining about him and at the same time encouraging him). On paper it looks fishy now.

You've completely shot yourself in the foot.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/11/2020 08:13

@Smallprint12

Thanks everyone, I have a meeting on Tuesday with someone (trusted partner) its an independent advisor from work place to discuss my concerns without committing to anything. I think they will advise me on whats likely to happen if I chose to take it further. I have all the emails and texts , unfortunately they show a willing partner at the beginning . Im afraid HR might not look at it kindly. Blue thank you, on Friday we were sent an email advising us that he will be away for 2weeks. He texted me to say he was struggling and had decided to take time off. I replied wishing him well and hope he would be back in no time. Unfortunately I think he took my reply as invitation so turned up at my home. I know i shouldn't let him in but I did. He loked sad and i couldn't let him stand outside. Sometimes i think I shouldn't have finished it in such a cruel way. I should have let it run its natural course. Deep down i still have feelings for him but I'm trying to do the right thing. We had a good discussion but he still doesn't seem to understand my side. He said he will be making a decision whether to leave his wife, he hopes that will make me see how much he is willing to lose for me. He said his family are fed up of him being miserable at home. He said his wife was his 1st girlfriend and they married. He says his wife hates him but likes the lifestyle. He tried to say more about the marriage but i asked him not to. I tried to say it wouldn't be worth it but he was not listening. In his mind everything will work out if only i give it a chance. According to him he is willing to have more children, move house change jobs etc. Whatever i said he had an answer . It was exhausting.
Really? You let him in again?

I despair.

billy1966 · 23/11/2020 08:56

@Bigfootmama

HR are not going to be interested once they start looking into this. You are completely contradicting yourself and making yourself look unreliable with the truth.

If anything they may well switch positions and support him, they could potentially think you are actually the problem because you are potentially setting him up (complaining about him and at the same time encouraging him). On paper it looks fishy now.

You've completely shot yourself in the foot.

Agreed.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/11/2020 08:58

He texted me to say he was struggling and had decided to take time off. I replied wishing him well and hope he would be back in no time.

I've been really supportive and at times defensive of you on this thread but I think I give up now.

Whether consciously or subconscious, you're getting something out of this dynamic that you are unwilling to give up.

You replied to him with a message saying you hope he's back at work ASAP. And you let him in your house again and had a conversation with him there. You've basically now made it impossible for HR / police to see this as anything other than a lovers tiff.

You say you still have feelings for him. That's why you're continuing this madness. His poor wife. You are now actively facilitating this continuing.

Him being off work was an opportunity for you to create distance. Instead you replied to his message about it. And you didn't just reply, you said you hope he's back soon.

Not sure why you're rewriting history either - you said he turned up because texts and calls were ignored. Perhaps forgetting you told us that you did reply to his text, saying you hope he's back soon! No wonder he took that as a sign you aren't done with him - can you really not see that?!

You're a far more active participant in this than you made out and I feel a bit silly for being defensive of you previously when others said similar!

All that advice from loads of people and you've done exactly what everyone recommended you didn't.

justilou1 · 23/11/2020 10:17

What @Youvegottenminuteslynn said with bells on.

Mcmcmcmc · 23/11/2020 10:18

Hi OP, I work in a similar setting to yours and I think HR will take it seriously enough to want to investigate, mostly because the gap in seniority between the two of you indicates that there was a power imbalance and the relationship was not equal.

Do be honest with them and tell them that you got in the relationship willingly but that things got difficult and he started harassing you after you tried to end it. HR will not care whether or not he is married, but they will definitely care about the fact that he was 4x your senior as you say.

They will probably want to get as much detail as possible from you and will then decide whether they will interview him or others (like your team leader). This may be a formal investigation or a “fact finder” which is the stage just before (I don’t actually work in HR and the terms may vary between organisations but this is from my experience in my Trust).

The GMC will only get involved if the matter is reported to the police (and police have enough evidence to charge), if your employer decides that the matter is too serious for internal investigation and decide to refer to the GMC (unlikely to be the case based on what you said, unless they have similar complaints about him from other people), or if you decide to complain to the GMC yourself.

I don’t want to be patronising but when I was in my 20s I found it difficult to deal with situations like this too. The compliments and attention can feel very validating, and for someone with a people-pleasing personality like you say you are, it’s easy to fall into situations that you didn’t really want to, because you feel guilty about saying no and upsetting someone. Just be aware that his suffering isn’t about you, he’s probably having a midlife crisis and wanted an excuse to get out of one relationship to the comfort of another one. He will 100% recover from this. And even if he decides to leave his wife (which may be a good thing for her, all things considered), that does NOT mean that he will be “your responsibility”! You should be firm and not let yourself be coerced into a relationship out of guilt. He is probably on a good salary (I’m assuming he is a consultant or clinical director) and will definitely manage to get his own place if needed.

Please cut off all contact now and be open with HR about what happened and about your concerns (his turning up to your place unannounced late at night and trying to coerce you into continuing a relationship should be enough to worry them). It’s unlikely that he will be sacked over this (if that’s your worry) unless he shows total disregard for the investigation and total lack of insight. Doctors and other senior healthcare workers have got away with a slap on the wrist for worse things, so don’t let your feelings of guilt and fear for his career stop you from looking after yourself.

user1471565182 · 23/11/2020 10:37

How is it harrassment if shes sending him nice little texts hoping to see him back at work and having cosy chats for hours in her house exactly, Mc?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/11/2020 11:32

HR are not going to be interested once they start looking into this. You are completely contradicting yourself and making yourself look unreliable with the truth
If anything they may well switch positions and support him, they could potentially think you are actually the problem because you are potentially setting him up (complaining about him and at the same time encouraging him). On paper it looks fishy now
You've completely shot yourself in the foot

Exactly this

Prettybubblesintheair · 23/11/2020 12:19

I had a lot of sympathy for you until you sent him a text saying you hoped he’d be back in no time...what on earth did you say that for? He of course took that as a sign you still have feelings for him and then go and bloody let him into your home AGAIN because he looked sad. Honestly I think you’re enjoying the drama. You’re goading him. Stop replying to him, stop fucking letting him into your home and involve the police if he turns up again.

justilou1 · 23/11/2020 23:05

Just in case you don’t understand why we have lost sympathy, OP - it appears you are enjoying the game of attention/power now. Yes, you thought you loved him once, but now you know you don’t. He is a sad old man and you don’t want to be with him. You are NOT making it clear by leaving HIM alone.

prapra · 23/11/2020 23:49

You play the victim but seem manipulative and tug on his strings to run after you whenever he tries to step away

Youre both nuts

Mrsmummy90 · 23/11/2020 23:49

You can't just leave it up to work to sort.
It's your mess so you need to fix it.

Tell him it's done and you will call the police if he turns up at your home again and for heaven's sake
Don't. Let. Him. In.

ilikemethewayiam · 24/11/2020 00:16

Wait, what? You asked for your keys back and he refused! He could let himself in anytime. Forget the keys. Get your locks changed ASAP.

WildHorsesRunInMe · 24/11/2020 00:33

To put it politley, you have made some very unwise decisions. Please take the advice the previous posters have offered you and stop letting this man into your home.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/11/2020 13:04

Let us know how today goes, I would be interested to hear what your work have to say.