Harassment

[Smallprint12]

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

You've got to change your mind set about this. No more 'I've been cruel to end it' bullshit. He's married! You owe him. Nothing.
Send him a text telling him if he ever contacts you outside of work again you'll tell the police he's harassing you. I bet you never here from him again. Stand up for youself- what are you scared of?
He has everything to lose. You have little to lose esp if you are already thinking of leaving that job.
Take back control and tell him where to go.

He is deranged! Not taking no for an answer is ridiculous. He's not a child FFS.

I'd threaten to report him to the police & then do it if he tried it on again

GMC will be involved but that's his problem - what an idiot.

Grow a backbone OP!

Thanks everyone, I survived the day. I was going to email him like a lot of you have suggested but he was like a different person. He did not talk to me except to discuss a case .Left me alone, no small talk even when at one time we were the only 2 people in the office. Its all very confusing , his persona at work and outside. My manager was wfh today , I have a date for meeting with HR. I just have to prepare myself , I know I'm likely to downplay the whole situation. I however think I have to deal with it otherwise he will not leave me.

Xsquared I think I'm a people pleaser, I need to work on that. He is very clever and has used this to manipulate me. I am very much to blame but I also think I should be allowed to end the relationship.

Coriander I cannot say why I took him to my mums. He kept pushing and I agreed. I wonder if I wanted my mum to say something , I don't know.

Inaseegull I think if he was kicked out he would make me feel guilty until I gave in. Its almost as if he wants his wife to kick him out. He said a lot of things when he came to the house. A lot of "I have never done this but am prepared to leave if you agree to give another chance. "
Youvegotten I will not be letting him into my house again. If he turns up I will ignore him
Chocolate i know I shouldn't feel sorry or guilty but it's difficult not to see that I caused some of his pain. Even he has said it, that if I had let him down gently then he wouldn't be in such pain.

Notwish I was going to email him today but his behaviour was fine so I left it.
User if I knew his wife maybe I would speak to her but I don't. I know where he lives, we passed through and he pointed his house.If I turned up at his home I might end up leaving with him instead. My fear is playing into his hands, telling his wife and he gets kicked out, then he will be my problem. No matter how much I might convince myself that I will refuse to take him, I know I will give in. I think its because of the way the relationship ended. If we had argued or if he had done something to upset me then things would be easier. He didn't do anything wrong, indeed if my mum had not said anything I might still have been seeing him. Him having a wife makes me feel better that at least someone is there for him.
Billy thank you, I will see what HR say, I know I have to tell them everything and be honest. I feel embarrassed though.

Rbk im not really afraid of losing my job as I can find another quickly (nhs shortages) but whether I can get a good team and be allowed to wfh is another thing. The team is lovely .
Sorry I couldn't reply each person but I appreciate your responses. Now I'm just going to wait for my meeting with HR. If he turns up I will not let him in.

Remember the fact he did keep it under control at work today means he CAN stop but he is choosing not to do so outside of the workplace, that's because he thinks he's 'safe' from consequences outside of the workplace.

You are going to need to make it clear that's not the case by following through with HR and following up with the police if he refuses your requests to cease contact from now on eg comes to your door and won't leave.

If he turns up, shout for him to leave or you will call the police. This should not be an empty threat. If he won't leave, call them.

My fear is playing into his hands, telling his wife and he gets kicked out, then he will be my problem. No matter how much I might convince myself that I will refuse to take him, I know I will give in.

This is deeply, deeply concerning and is the reason you need support on this. You also need to tell a trusted friend / family member or two so they can help keep you safe. So you can message them if you need somewhere to stay if he's pressuring you to meet etc. Please don't cave it would be so foolish and so dangerous.

When you speak to HR and Police - Do. Not. Downplay. Be factual. Write down a timeline now of how this has progressed and incidents where he has made you uncomfortable, behaved inappropriately and against your wishes, refused to leave etc.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Agree.

Do not downplay what has occurred.

Be factual.

Bring notes that state clearly a timeline.

Make it clear it was a mistake that you wished to move on from but that he has REFUSED to accept.

His career is NOT your responsibility.

Focus on your own career OP.

I mean this kindly but you need to wise up.

If you go into the HR meeting apologising and taking the blame for this mess, you really cannot blame them for accepting YOUR narrative.

Do you believe that this is all your fault, that you should lose your job, be gossiped about, have your card marked, have your professional reputation besmirched?

Because if you go into HR apologising for being born, THAT is exactly what will happen.

Make up some notes to bring with you about the timeline, you ending it, your wish to be professional at work and move on, his refusal, his harassment at work, at home, the tears, the trying to manipulate you to continue, you feeling you had to say you were going to leave as you were afraid, you going to HR for support, before you head to the police.

Make it clear you just wish to get back to work and move forward WITHOUT being harassed by a man 4 grades above you and nearly twice your age.

Tell them you feel intimidated by his seniority, as you clearly do.

OP I hope you have kept a tracking record of all his behaviours emails texts etc ..

I would also consider getting a ring camera or some kind of recording device set up ASAP to monitor him coming and going from your place. I don’t think this is going to end well, and it could be beneficial for you from an employment and general legal point of view to prove harassment.

@Smallprint12 The reason to send him a clear message that you don't want further contact outside work is that if he did turn up at your doorstep or hassle you in any other way after the message it points to harassment and will help you greatly if you need to get police involved.

Send that message even though he behaved himself at work. Given his recent antics I don't buy that he is suddenly going to stop putting pressure on you. Maybe tell him you appreciated that he was professional at work, you hope that you can both continue in that way, you don't want any further contact outside work with you or your family. If he rolls up to your door, don't answer, don't let him in, send him a text to say that you will call police if he won't leave. And do it if you have to.

@Smallprint12 be aware that if you go to HR they are highly likely to protect him and let you take the blame.

it's not right but it's what happens.

I have to agree about HR. I would go to police first, to cover your backside. Once you have a police report, and a case to proves history of harassment, manipulation and emotional blackmail, it would be foolish for your HR department to overtly threaten your position.

How are you OP

I also agree to go to the police if he continues to harass you.
Hope you're ok OP

Thanks everyone, I have a meeting on Tuesday with someone (trusted partner) its an independent advisor from work place to discuss my concerns without committing to anything. I think they will advise me on whats likely to happen if I chose to take it further. I have all the emails and texts , unfortunately they show a willing partner at the beginning . Im afraid HR might not look at it kindly.
Blue thank you, on Friday we were sent an email advising us that he will be away for 2weeks. He texted me to say he was struggling and had decided to take time off. I replied wishing him well and hope he would be back in no time. Unfortunately I think he took my reply as invitation so turned up at my home. I know i shouldn't let him in but I did. He loked sad and i couldn't let him stand outside. Sometimes i think I shouldn't have finished it in such a cruel way. I should have let it run its natural course. Deep down i still have feelings for him but I'm trying to do the right thing. We had a good discussion but he still doesn't seem to understand my side. He said he will be making a decision whether to leave his wife, he hopes that will make me see how much he is willing to lose for me. He said his family are fed up of him being miserable at home. He said his wife was his 1st girlfriend and they married. He says his wife hates him but likes the lifestyle. He tried to say more about the marriage but i asked him not to. I tried to say it wouldn't be worth it but he was not listening. In his mind everything will work out if only i give it a chance. According to him he is willing to have more children, move house change jobs etc. Whatever i said he had an answer . It was exhausting.

You need to stop enabling him. By telling him you'd hope he'd be back to work soon, by allowing him into your home again, by listening to him, you're feeding his obsession.

The only response necessary is nothing.

You need to be aware of how your passive behaviour makes you vulnerable and an easy victim. This guy has no boundaries and your refusal to hold firm on yours could put you in danger.

He has no respect for your space, your right to make your own decisions and appears emotionally unstable.

The "nice" version of him may be sad and pathetic like his recent visit, he was trying to control you through emotional manipulation but you don't know how he'll react when he feels that's not working and tries another tactic.

I think you have to tell him clearly that the relationship is over. If he leaves his wife that is his decision but the relationship with you will NOT be rekindled. Finally, he is not to come to your house ever again and not to contact you other than for work matters.

I can understand your guilt and sadness at causing him pain, as I am that way inclined myself, but for his sake as well as yours this tiptoeing around has got to STOP.

Apologise for ending it cruelly, if you must, but it is OVER.

everyone was a willing participant at the start of a relationship, irrespective of the situation of it. However what he is doing now is not acceptable.

You need to try to get out of the mindset that if you make a mistake that you deserve to be punished forever, and that things will just happen to you whether you wish for them or not. You have some really messed up jumbled thinking going on.

I really think you should go and get yourself some counselling, for yourself, to help you with assertiveness and thinking patterns, because you are literally a sitting duck for anyone manipulative. I dont know where this mindset comes from - but a good counsellor will help you unpick it and build you some good boundaries and self confidence.

Not being kind and nice doesnt equal being unkind. Its OK to end a relationship and its OK to be neutral. You didnt need to send him a message. You didnt need to let him into your house. But your own idea of yourself as kind has allowed him to walk all over you

Oh for goodness sage Op, everyone on here had said ignore everything. No one has said text him back if he sends you a sad message, everyone has said don't let him on.

You've asked for advice. You're ignoring it all!

Stop giving mixed messages, stop asking for advice and ignoring it.

Leave the bloke alone if you're not interested.

Do you like drama, OP?

I don't know whether to believe this thread or not.

Unfortunately I think he took my reply as invitation so turned up at my home. I know i shouldn't let him in but I did. He loked sad and i couldn't let him stand outside.

This is clearly an ongoing relationship with willing participants. You OP, willingly got involved involved with a married man the minute you started a new job. You invited him to your mother's birthday meeting with you. You emailed him and invited him into your home.

Its so obviously not grounds for a harassment case of any kind to stand up when you are leading him on. I do question whether a lot of this is attention and drama seeking behaviour on your part.

Women are not always victims. Women can also be very manipulative and make their own choices about who they date. You're not that young OP. If you were 19 or 20 I might have more sympathy for you. But 26 is old enough to be able to avoid married men - the rest of us manage it!

You continued willingness to reply to his manipulative contact and to allow him into your home will seriously undermine any claim you have that he is harassing you or that you don't want to continue contact. You are giving him extremely mixed signals whether you mean to or not. Leave me alone, then switching come in and talk for hours. Can you not see that? HR is not going to take you seriously when they speak to him and he tells them you've been willingly replying and willingly allowing him into your home. He could easily twist this to it being you that is being manipulative.

Not only are you continuing to be naive, but you are willing to subjugate your own wants, job security and safety for some fear of not being a nice person.

You're taking being a people pleaser to self-endangering extremes. Like a pp, I suggest you get counselling asap. Before you let him move in and you'll be miserable for life because you're too afraid of being seen as a big meanie.

OP, you seem very vulnerable. Your behaviour, your reactions are not really normal, and that is after taking into account you are being pressured to the point of abuse by your ex affair-partner.

I am guessing you have some MH problems. You have been taken advantage of. Can you not speak to your therapist or at least your GP? Something is missing at core here - everything you do seems to be directed from the outside - your mother, your work colleagues and your ex boyfriend. There is an absence of what you want, of who you are in what you write. You were in a needy situation when you started a new job and it seems you just let everything just happen to you and have carried on like that. Why is that and what would you like to be different about yourself?

And since this is Mums Net after all, the thing that really worries me is that you seem to have no discrimination at all about who will be the father of your future children, apart from his age?

Would you want your future daughter(s) to have a father who is like this? Would you want your future daughter(s) to be seeing a man like this? What would you want for her?

I don't like drama, unfortunately I'm realising that ending a relationship because you don't like the person anymore is different from ending it because you want to do the right thing. Im still going ahead with HR however embarrassing it maybe. I absolutely want him to move on. My mistake is when he is standing outside my door its difficult to ignore him. Its easier on email and other than this last email I had not been in contact other than work emails. I think he turned up because texts and emails are not answered unless its work .
As I said before I need to see myself as a victim of some sorts.

My mistake is when he is standing outside my door its difficult to ignore him. Its easier on email and other than this last email I had not been in contact other than work emails. I think he turned up because texts and emails are not answered unless its work .

Except you did answer his text? So this isn't true.

HR will no doubt say don't answer except for work related reasons, you won't stick to that.

Unfortunately, you have now set a precedent. He knows that if you ignore his emails and texts (which you didn't the minute he sounded reasonable), he can turn up at your home and you'll let him in and talk to him for hours. He's learnt how to get you to pay attention to him. Weep and look sad on your doorstep and all your resolve melts to nothing.

You need to ignore all non-work contact. ALL. No matter how sad or reasonable he sounds or looks. You might think you are avoiding drama by accommodating his sadness, but what you are actually doing is continuing and escalating it. Confronting 'small' dramas in the present, stops them snowballing into huge mega-dramas later.

The only way is no contact op. If he turns up again then call the police.