Harassment

[Smallprint12]

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

Good luck with HR

I'm just trying to understand why you're still choosing to let him into your home to ramp up the drama further, despite saying you were going to ignore him?

Obviously his behaviour's appalling, but before talking with HR it might be worth deciding exactly what you want, especially as he's senior to you. If confronted he'll certainly say you entered into the affair / are still seeing him willingly, and that could well muddy the waters

What is actually wrong with you?

He’s being nasty and harassing you because you have decided to refuse him access to your vagina, essentially. This is your right, after all.

And you in return don’t want to go to HR as you don’t his own actions to impact him. You’d rather leave and become unemployed? Why are you mugging yourself off to protect him? A man who clearly doesn’t care about your job as he’s making you feel this uncomfortable? He’s crossed professional boundaries here and deserves to be spoken to.

I’m not a feminist but I just feel like this is your “female socialisation” coming out.

Bookworms I think I just need to stop feeling guilty and make it clear I will report him if this continues. He says this is his first affair thats why he is hurting. I don't know if its true or not.
Xsquared you are right he has guilty tripped me to the point that I can not see a way out. He says he knows that I love him and am only ending it because he has a wife. I tried to say there were other issues but he is clever and I ended up just agreeing with him. He kept saying I understood him better than blah blah.

Isthisit I have to be careful, don't want to get him angry but I doubt he would be violent. I however think he can make my life difficult at work ie when I present a case, he can ask questions that I cannot answer and I will end up looking stupid. At the moment our interactions have been professional except in emails.
Nsky thank you, I'm paying for my mistake and feel trapped.I think its more lust than anything. I don't know if its really his 1st affair and he doesn't know how to stop
I asked a colleague how long the notice period is and was told 8wks. If I resigned I would still be there for another 2months.
At work he is well liked, which might be why I'm afraid to say anything. I might be seen as a trouble maker.

The only friend that I have discussed this with disapproves and has said to tell his wife. I don't know if this is a good idea as he might be kicked out and become my problem. I would feel guilty as I'm to blame as well.

I'm absolutely dreading tomorrow,

Just seen that you are going to HR!! I’m so happy you booked the appointment.

You don’t have to wait for them before making adjustments for tomorrow. Speak to your manager and see what can be done to help protect you tomorrow at work to avoid him approaching you.

Puzzle i know I shouldn't have let him in but he was ringing the bell endlessly. I thought we could speak like adults. As much as I don't like his behaviour I am very much the cause. Its difficult to just cut off someone like that. I have stopped contact on phone email WhatsApp but he was outside my home. I think I should have ended it in a kinder more adult way. After the visit to my mums I just cut him,stopped contact outside of work and thats cruel. Also remember when we drove from my mums we were talking happy and There was no hint that I was thinking of ending it. To him it was out of the blue. He didn't do anything, in fact we were fine. I couldn't tell him that my mum was questioning and disapproved

Throw I think its because I do not see myself as a victim but the author of my own misfortune. If it wasn't for gmc I wouldn't hesitate but if he was to lose his job, I would absolutely feel responsible. Also his family would suffer. I doubt gmc would be involved but you never know what hr will do. Also I think if police get involved he may have to declare it. I know with nmc I would have to.
Candy thank you, I hope hr will have a word with him and make him see sense. I just don't want him to lose his job.
Hotchocolate I think I will leave , I feel trapped but I also think he is hurting. To just leave someone without an explanation is cruel.
I understand those that are frustrated at my reluctance to report but this is my character I have never wanted anyone to get in trouble ever, im always a peacemaker.

Just take of yourself, hopefully you’ll see it as one of those things in time.
Dare I say I late mid life crisis for him? Lust, wishful, and that love may never come his way. ( again at his age)
You have youth, looks and a kind heart on your side, remember we all do stupid things, not that we are stupid

good luck with HR .... be clear concise accurate.. and honest 🌺

@Whatisthisfuckery

I understand how upsetting it must be for PPs on here whose husbands have done the dirty on them, but all these responses depress the hell out of me. he is a 50 year old married man in a senior position, he is responsible for upholding all those roles, not the OP. All this dirty little temptress lead him astray nonsense is bullshit. There’s a reason why some married people cheat, and that’s because they’re cheating bastards. I’m sure we’ve all had a little look elsewhere when we’ve been in a relationship, noticed people we quite fancy, but those of us who aren’t cheating arseholes don’t cheat.

OP why should you leave your job when he gets to keep his? He’s the married man with a seniority that demands good behaviour. He has not upheld any of that, so why should he keep it. His poor wife deserves to realise her H is a scumbag, hard as it may be. Better that than her thinking he’s a decent man while he’s in another woman’s bed.

Do as another PP has suggested and email or text him saying if he doesn’t stop contacting you you’ll go to HR. Screenshot all your communications to date and if he carries on do it. You might have to leave, but why should it only be you who has to leave. How many women will he do this to if he gets away with it this time? You don’t think you’re the first do you?

I bet he does this everywhere he goes, and I bet other women have been harassed by him and had to jack in perfectly good jobs because he’s a nasty little predator who uses his seniority to bully women.

See all of the above. He's taken advantage of his position and of your naivity. If he's harrassing you , you can report him to the police and to your employers. I'm sure you've learned a huge lesson here. Married😪 middle aged men like him are two a penny. Well done for seeing through him so quickly. Good luck for your future.

Right... you have an email trail to back you up and professionally, this man has a lot more to lose than you do. You have been trying to keep it professional and he is not letting you. You are doing the right thing by going to HR. I genuinely don’t think that being cruel to him is the right thing though either. Being clear with your boundaries is though. “We are over” “Don’t come to my house.” “Don’t contact my mother.” “We are not getting back together.” “I don’t want a future with you.” “I am not responsible for your happiness.” “I am not responsible for your family’s wellbeing at all - YOU are!!!”“Stop harassing me.” All of these are short, very clear statements with clear intentions that can’t be misinterpreted.
Call the police if he comes around again. He probably will. Blaming you for his family’s unhappiness is so fucking immature it’s laughable. This is how the thought process of someone capable of having an affair in the first place. Compartmentalism and blame. Awesome. He is a classic manipulator and you are a soft target. Don’t let him in your house ever again.

The GMC exists for a reason. Please, please, please atop worrying about getting him in trouble with them. Most often, unfortunately, they take no action, so your concern is misplaced.

However, this man is coercive and manipulative, and manages to turn your socialised ‘niceness’ against you. This is a man who is also capable of being inappropriate with patients. If he gets into any trouble with the GMC, it will be because someone else has also reported something before.

I think it is irresponsible to not speak up. I also think all your feelings of guilt are misplaced. You haven’t caused his appalling behaviour. -he has. He would have behaved the same way however gently you ended it.

You deserve better op, and so do all the other women he will treat like this in the future. Does it help to know that whatever trouble he might encounter because of you reporting this to HR, in very honest term, without minimising anything, is you showing solidarity with other young women, colleagues or patients, that will come across him in the future?

It makes me very uncomfortable to think this man is treating patients, he is unhinged and his sense of entitlement is dangerous. Reporting his behaviour honestly and fully to HR seems like safeguarding of patients and colleagues to me.

Rooting for you OP, hope the meeting goes well.

People break up every single day. So what if hes been 'cut off'? thats what a relationship ending is. Has he never broken up before or does he have the mental age of a child?

You sound like if he turned up pretending hed been kicked out (which he would try) you would let him stay because you think its your responsibility somehow. Why?

Tell him to piss off and look up how break ups work online and if he says or does anything else it'll be straight to the police.

Im genuinely getting angry at the thought of the patheticness of a 50 year old man crying and dribbling and acting like a little boy at your door because he cant handle a break up and the juvenile gestures of threatening to ring his wife. Dont beg or cry or do anything, let him ring her (thats if he does it at work, dont let him near you elsewhere).

Or do her a favour and get him to ring her so she knows shes living with a scumbag, then refuse to take him back as well after.

this reminds me of being assaulted in Egypt - the man telling me 'you have made a fire in my heart' and shifting the blame for his arousal and inability to control himself onto me for merely existing.

you are allowed to end a relationship. It doesnt matter for whatever reason. and if he wont take no for an answer and keeps on trying to guilt you into changing your mind, then thats harrassment.

As for work. Once HR know whats playing out they well may shift you so he isnt supervising, because it lays them open for negligence or making a claim for discrimination if he tries to make your work difficult, or trip you up when you have previously had good results/performance. dont give up your job, stand firm to protect yourself. You made a mistake, now you need to stand up for yourself to rectify it, not just run away.

OP this is all very out of hand. Can you contact the police to tell him to leave you alone? He sounds deranged. If he's that fucking miserable with his wife he should leave her regardless. These men make me sick.

I don't think you should have resigned but can see it's escalated to such a point, because of HIS behaviour, that one if you will need to leave the company. It should really be him.

FGS stop responding to him and letting him in, he sounds like he could be dangerous.

I think you need to do a lot of work on your boundaries without wishing to sound patronising.

Hope HR are helpful.

OP, send him a message, text or email, tell him once and clearly that you do not want any more contact from him unless in work and professional. Say that any further contact with you or your family will be viewed by you as harassment and you will call the police.

Do not be guilt tripped by his behaviour, he is manipulating you.

'It's not working for me' is enough as a reason to leave any relationship no matter how hard that might be for the other person to hear. He is not listening to you, so has no respect, and he is acting like a child to make you feel responsible for him. You are not.

When you talk to HR tell them you started a relationship which you regret and he is pressuring you to continue against your will. This makes you very exposed at work because you feel he will treat you badly and you hope they will protect you if this arises as they have a bullying and harassment policy. Read the policy. Complain if you have any problems. He is taking advantage of your good nature, sees you as soft and unlikely to complain. Change his mind for him. One shot off the bows should be enough to stop him and he's unlikely to end up in front of the GMC for it.

Don't feel sorry for him he doesn't feel sorry for you!
He's using you for sex and harassing you all whilst cheating on his wife and children.
Wake up

I agree with a pp about working on boundaries and I mean this kindly rather than in a patronizing way.

Having been a people pleaser in the past, I now realise that I am not responsible how others feel, and that I can say no without feeling guilty about the other person's reaction.

I hope your meeting with HR goes well and that the harassment will stop.

You invited your senior colleague, who is 50 and married, as your affair partner to your mums birthday? WTF

You should look for a new job.

Normally I'd say stay and fight to get back on an even keel in your job but tbh I really think you should leave. It would give you a fresh start. But in order to get that fresh start you are going to have to cut it off completely with him. You are going to have to state very clearly that it is over and that if he turns up at your house you WILL call the police as you now consider this harassment.

You need to text him today that it is over and you do not want any further contact with him outside work. That further contact will be reported to the Police as harassment. If you want HR to take you seriously you need to send this text before you meet with them. If you don't then it will turn into a situation of his word versus yours as you are sending very mixed messages. You need to be very clear with him now or you won't get the support you need.

You keep jumping to worst case scenario. Calling the police on him is not going to give him a criminal record. They would most likely just have a word with him which would hopefully be enough to get him to back off. Telling HR will be a similar scenario and would only be taken further if he continues with his behaviour. Having to take him in if his wife finds out is just nonsense. He has plenty of money for hotels or a rental - not your responsibility. People get dumped in much worse circumstances every day (just read some stories on here - years of marriage ended with very little explanation). Your 'relationship' is only a couple of months old. You owe him nothing. You have already told him its not working for you which is perfectly reasonable. You are too fixated with everybody else, help yourself first (like putting on your own oxygen mask on the plane before helping others). Good luck.

As much as I don't like his behaviour I am very much the cause

Why?
It's true you were very wrong to get involved with him in the first place, and Bigfootmama's correct that you've giving mixed messages he'll certainly exploit with HR, but you're responsible for your own behaviour and not his

As for you being "his first affair", give me a break ... he probably said that to all his conquests, and do you imagine he'll prioritise returning your "kindness" if he's really up against it?

Best to start looking for that next job, probably - because the way it's going I doubt this one will last much longer

Really hope speaking to HR goes well. Do not minimise what's happened or keep going on about how it's your fault - be factual. He won't accept you dont want any contact out of work, he has turned up unannounced at your home and will not leave when asked to, he is pressuring you to continue sexual contact when you have said you do not want this. I really hope they take this seriously and realise how unstable he sounds - you need to do the same. Fingers crossed they can help

@CorianderLord

You invited your senior colleague, who is 50 and married, as your affair partner to your mums birthday? WTF

Yep and he accepted the invitation and went, didn't have to! I wonder what he told his wife.*

You should look for a new job.*

And so should he then? Would you not agree?

OP be careful as HR is there to support the BUSINESS, not support you. Thry are completely different from unions. They may feel he is far harder to replace than you, and start 'managing you out'. It's horribly unfair but it is 100% how it works. He sounds utterly mental so be careful there too :(

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Really hope speaking to HR goes well. Do not minimise what's happened or keep going on about how it's your fault - be factual. He won't accept you dont want any contact out of work, he has turned up unannounced at your home and will not leave when asked to, he is pressuring you to continue sexual contact when you have said you do not want this. I really hope they take this seriously and realise how unstable he sounds - you need to do the same. Fingers crossed they can help

Good advice