Harassment

[Smallprint12]

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

He's not your friend so do not continue a friendship.

He's at best pathetic and manipulative and at worse abusive and manipulative.

Either way he sounds unstable and is trying to guilt trip you into a relationship on his terms.

I know it's hard to hear but as this is a consequence of both of you making poor decisions, one of you at least needs to grow up and reinforce boundaries and it's clear now it's not going to be him.

He has taken advantage of you being young and naive but you need to now take ownership of your actions and take this seriously. His behaviour is so, so far beyond normal or acceptable.

You need to respond to him saying you do not want to have any communication unless it's related to urgent work matters, and that if he communicates with you about anything else you will go to HR, then if it continues you will speak to the police as it is harassment.

And then you need to follow through and do those things.

He sounds like a fucking nutjob.

He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications
You chose to have an affair with a an already-taken man - and his age wasn't a problem then.

Only once your own nearest and dearest judged him, and YOU felt YOUR 'reputation' was at risk, did you decide to end things.

You know exactly what you're doing, you are not innocent and naive in any way....

Don't leave a job you like because a married old creep is harassing you. It's really not a good idea to shag a married man, but you know this.

But ultimately it's his responsibility not to cheat on his wife, not yours, and if it wasn't you it would be someone else. Let him pay for it if someone has to. I would send him one more message. Explicitly clear. That this was a mistake. It's over. You don't want anymore contact and warn him of the repercussions if HR find out and/or his family. Then block. Don't engage. He's soon feel like the contrite fucking fool he is and will stop talking to you. Stand your ground. However if work get wind of this (I assume they'll already have their suspicions) then you may want another job regardless. This will have done your reputation ok favours and it may be in your interests to start afresh without the blot on character this type of thing leaves.

*no favours

Get your keys back asap! And stop feeling responsible for his emotions.

You took your MARRIED lover from work to your mum's birthday dinner? Wtf? Who the fuck thinks that's a good idea? For a first meeting? Again wtf? Did she know he was married before the dinner? Was this the source of her disapproval by any chance, along with his age? Did you really expect her to approve or be impressed? Or was it designed to shock, to prove something?

Then suddenly you felt all bad about him being older and married. Did these not bother you before ? Obviously not!

Did you tell him it was over or just ghost him as your OP suggests? You take him to meet your family which suggests that you gave the impression it was a lot more serious than an office 'fling'.

Sounds like he thought this 'dumping' was an ultimatum - me or your wife. He chose you and you've suddenly decided you don't want him after all. The reality of a man twice your age with kids going through a separation was not the 'glamorous' fun office affair you had enjoyed.

How long since you dumped him and the silly old fool decided to leave his poor wife for you? How long has it actually been since you dumped him? A week of him trying to get you back after exploding his marriage 'for' you, or several months of him harassing you? Had you told him he's dumped or just avoided him? I think that timeline is extremely important before taking posters' advice on blowing up his career with acquisitions of harassment.

He's a deluded cheating scumbag, but you seemed to think it was all a bit of fun until he wanted more. And now you're trying to say it's partially concern for his wife that made you dump him - bit late for that don't you think?

Oh ffs! No you don’t have to resign but you do need to report his harassment to HR. Hopefully you won’t be as naive and selfish the next time.

He sounds unhinged, change your locks.

Also consider reading The Gift of Fear (brilliant book).

If someone sends you 1000 texts and you respond- any response at all - all you have done is taught them that it takes 1000 attempts to get your attention. They won't stop.

You need to tell him once, loud and clear, no further non work related contact or I go to HR. And then follow through.

Crikey. At age 26 I knew better than to sleep with a married man!

You're getting a lot of flack in this thread OP and maybe rightfully so but...

From various things you have said, I think you might be quite vulnerable. I think you allow yourself to get pushed into things that you don't really want to do at all. It's only when someone else gives you permission to listen to your thoughts that you seem able to act. (Ie your mum's disapproval of his age)

From the sounds of it, you never wanted to be in a relationship with him at all but because you have an inherently submissive (sorry, can't think of a better word right now) personality you have allowed yourself to be swept along. I'm sure you would have very much liked it to remain as him just making the odd flirty comment or two. The fact that you thought it would die off quickly doesn't seem to me like you wanted it to go on.

You then found yourself in the tricky position of him being essentially your boss and him being keen on it progressing further. A vulnerable person in a vulnerable position. He is using the fact that you are unable to stand up for yourself (you bottled it with HR) to try and manipulate you in to carrying on a relationship. The whole please don't dump me till December shtick is absolutely ludicrous.

You do not want to be in this relationship. You already know that. You know this man's behaviour towards you was irresponsible. You know he should be the one to leave his job.

OP please please please do not be manipulated into continuing a 'relationship' until December.. with this man.. it's controlling it's coercive it's stalking it ticks all the boxes of him now committing a crime ... every email he writes to you despite being deleted will be saved on the company software. You must not be blackmailed into maintaining a 'friendship' to keep someone else happy, there is so much wrong with this I feel actual despair for your plight... you know you screwed up.. but that is not what this is about, this is about your safety now. OP you may need to consider threatening to tell HR and even his Family if he does not leave you alone.. harsh but necessary measures.. you take very good care of yourself, I do fear for you OP 🌺

Thank you all everyone makes valid points. I made a mistake unfortunately I will have to live with it. I honestly do not know why I did it and have no excuse. I don't know how I can make it right , if I told his wife I think that's what he wants and I would be stuck with him.
At work the reason I haven't gone to hr is because It will cause a lot of problems for him (gmc) if complaint was escalated. I wish he would see he has much to lose. I will just have to get another job although this is one of the best places I have worked. Also flexibility to wfh (mental health).
Thingsdoget I know I made a mistake taking him to my mums but he kept pushing to be invited and I eventually gave in. I did not officially introduce but told my mum we seeing each other but not seriously. I did not tell her that he is married, I think she thinks he is divorced. Her concerns seemed so real when she spoke to me and I began to realise how wrong everything was. Unfortunately he is not thinking and thinks I want him to leave his wife.
I am continuing to stay strong, but I'm now dreading checking work emails. When I suggested he gave me back keys he said only if I allowed him to come . I do not want to do this as he is terribly clever and will convince me to give him a chance.
Notsurprised I know the whole December thing will not work as he will expect me to behave like a partner etc then what.
Blue i will tell him about hr but I think he knows i would never do anything that would get him in serious trouble. The problem is hr might speak to him and warn him or it might get escalated and end up before a panel. This i do not want.

Sorry I could not quote everyone but I appreciate every suggestion.

He sounds nuts. He's brand new at a high level management job and the first thing he does is get involved with a new low-level young employee?? He is an idiot.

Sounds like he has a bad case of limerance. You need to shatter his illusion of you being the one. Blocking him in his mind makes you more attractive and he wants to chase you more. Personally I'd change his view of you so he doesn't want to.

If he thinks you are cruel, be cruel. Tell him the truth. You think he is too old for you and your family have said he is too old too. That you don't see a future with him. Tell him you've met someone else who is more your age and you want to be in a relationship with them. Then tell him anymore communication from him outside of work and you will go to the police.

Then don't respond to anything from him.

@Smallprint12

Thank you all everyone makes valid points. I made a mistake unfortunately I will have to live with it. I honestly do not know why I did it and have no excuse. I don't know how I can make it right , if I told his wife I think that's what he wants and I would be stuck with him. At work the reason I haven't gone to hr is because It will cause a lot of problems for him (gmc) if complaint was escalated. I wish he would see he has much to lose. I will just have to get another job although this is one of the best places I have worked. Also flexibility to wfh (mental health). Thingsdoget I know I made a mistake taking him to my mums but he kept pushing to be invited and I eventually gave in. I did not officially introduce but told my mum we seeing each other but not seriously. I did not tell her that he is married, I think she thinks he is divorced. Her concerns seemed so real when she spoke to me and I began to realise how wrong everything was. Unfortunately he is not thinking and thinks I want him to leave his wife. I am continuing to stay strong, but I'm now dreading checking work emails. When I suggested he gave me back keys he said only if I allowed him to come . I do not want to do this as he is terribly clever and will convince me to give him a chance. Notsurprised I know the whole December thing will not work as he will expect me to behave like a partner etc then what. Blue i will tell him about hr but I think he knows i would never do anything that would get him in serious trouble. The problem is hr might speak to him and warn him or it might get escalated and end up before a panel. This i do not want.

Sorry I could not quote everyone but I appreciate every suggestion.

Stop worrying about the consequences for him and start worrying about your safety and mental health. You are not a passive passenger in your own life. You do not want him to come over, do not let him. You do not feel comfortable he is holding the key hostage, don't let him. You do not want him to try and convince you to change your mind, so don't let him.

How? Outline what the consequences will be for him - HR and then police if he continues to ignore your request for no personal contact. Then follow through.

He's a creep but on top of that sounds worryingly obsessed with no fear for consequences. This is because you've not given him any to worry about. Start doing so.

This is well out of hand and you're an adult, you need to take ownership of the next steps you can control - your own.

He is not giving a damn that you are having to leave your job that you love.. please consider his behaviours as escalating despite you doing nothing to dampen his actions. You should really be changing your locks and fast OP 🌺

OP, I think I need to apologise to you. I seem to have created a whole scenario in my head while wearing a huge pair of judgy-pants! I should know better! So apologies.

You don't need, or want your keys back - he could easily copy before returning. Locks are surprisingly easy to change - numerous YouTube vids show how.

Again, I am sorry for jumping to conclusions. Protect yourself. Do not take responsibility for his irrational actions. Do not let your kindness to him overwhelm your kindness to yourself.

Stop worrying about him and put your own wellbeing first. He's an adult, he's responsible for his own actions, his behaviour towards you is coercive, manipulative and abusive, he needs to be shut down. Any consequences he faces are on him. He would only face consequences in work because what he is doing is an outrageous abuse of power against someone who is in a junior position.

Don't be so passive. You have a right to remain in your job. You have a right not to be harassed. You don't need to be apologetic or submissive to this man. You need to shut him down for your own sake.

Talk to friends or family members, make sure they know what he's doing. Make sure HR knows too.

Please don't give up your job. It may be the only bargaining chip you have with him. I worry that he might see you leaving as wanting to protect him from trouble with HR and a fairytale ending. He would have no reason to leave you alone and as he knows you are a pushover, you won't get any peace. If I were you, I would get your locks changed as a priority, send one final message telling him not to contact you or you will report him to HR and then follow through if he does. If he gets in trouble, it will be his own doing, not yours. Please also consider doing an assertiveness course, this will help in all areas of your life. The fact that you think you would be stuck with him if you told his wife speaks volumes. Please stand up for yourself! You don't have to be a ballbreaker to do this. Good luck.

Another one here saying you don't have to give up your job.
It might pan out that it's uncomfortable for you at some point in the future, and by all means leave then.
But don't leave just as we are about to go into lockdown.

You need to toughen up a bit. Stop worrying about the consequences for him. That's not your problem.
Tell him you'll contact hr if he doesn't leave you alone. And if he doesn't then do it. Especially if you have evidence of his harassment and even more especially if they're work emails he sent in work time.

OP,

Please wake up and give your head a wobble.

He is a freak.

Do not allow him to come to your home again.

Do not give up a job you like.

Tell him you are going to HR.

And mean it.

Learn from this.

GMC? So he's a doctor then. I'd still complain. It is very unlikely that the complaint would impact on his registration unless he has form.
I'm presuming you can get on your staff intranet from home? Search for the Policies and Procedures section and have a read. You can then decide from the information if you want to proceed or not.

Thanks everyone today your messages helped, I have continued to ignore his pleading and occasionally accusing messages.

Whitehorse I liked the idea of being cruel even though I know I will feel guilty for being so harsh . I am going to bring the age difference. I know 50 is not old but surely he doesn't want children at that age. Hopefully this will make him see sense .
Thingsdoget you were right I behaved atrociously, i should never have got involved let alone taken him to my mums birthday. I wish I could undo everything.
Notsurprised I sometimes think I lacked the confidence to start in a new team and ended up sticking with him, not sure why as the team is welcoming and are lovely and kind.
Renee I know I need to stand up for myself but he is making me feel guilty hence trying to be civil . I am definitely going to send him an email saying what Whitehorse said but will probably be put it in a way that's a little bit kind, probably will apologise because that's just me.
Billy, Flouncer and Inaseegull, I will I hope I can stay in my job im going to do the email outlining what he stands to lose and hopefully he will see sense.
Blue good idea to change locks less hustle .
To everyone i haven't mentioned by name thank you, I am learning from this and need to stand up for myself . I'm remaining professional and only contacting as last resort, so far thankfully its been minimal.

good luck OP 🌺

@Smallprint12

I'm taking everything on board, I have much sympathy for the wife believe me, I do not know how I can make it right. That's why I don't want him to leave. Its almost as if he has lost his mind. I never wanted anything serious. I have blocked him from my phone but I cannot on work mobile or work emails . Unfortunately I have to discuss things with him verbal or email and he makes the final decisions (think of MDT). I am putting my CV out and hope to leave ASAP. I do not want to cause trouble at work so will try and keep contact at minimum. If he turns up at my home I will ask for my keys back and refuse to let him in. My friend thinks I should ask his friend or sister (never spoken to her but know where she lives)to put some sense into him. I have tried to make him see how much he would stand to lose but he just say as long as he is happy. I regret everything.

Urgh.. I am sure his wife would welcome your sympathy