Harassment

[Smallprint12]

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

Best of luck.
Stay safe.

Keep that waster out of your home.

Keep you job.

Jobs you like with nice colleagues are not 10 a penny.

He preyed on you.

You will see this as you age.

Stay safe.

@Jayaywhynot This isn't about your sister. OP is an individual who was single and made a mistake. Now she is paying for it. Comments like yours in which people obviously think that an OW is merely a story plot in a poor wife's life as opposed to an individual with her own life and journey irk me. You can tell from comments such as yours that many women blame the OW much more than the married man. Perhaps work on that internalised misogyny.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this and that some selfish people are using your post to project their own anger as opposed to offer advice about the potentially dangerous position you are in.

So many bitter women struggling with internalised misogyny want to transfer their anger onto the OW as a coping mechanism and justification for staying with their cheating husband. I’m sure it’s a lot easier to convince yourself you did the right thing staying with a cheater if you can lie to yourself that he wasn’t wholly responsible for his actions. These same women, who come up with reason after reason for why the marriage is worth fighting for (a few examples: I still love him, he made a mistake, he has unresolved issues, it’s more complicated than any outsider could understand, it’s not as simple as leaving, etc.) will debase the OW and try to override the fact that she is an individual with her own life story. They refuse to acknowledge that many people are vulnerable, struggling themselves, ‘it’s not as simple’ as just saying no to a married man, etc. They want the world to be understanding of their husband but hate the OW and it just makes them look silly. I think this comes down to 1. Internalised misogyny, and 2. Unintentional ego-centricity. Cheated on women forget that the OW is not a character in the book that is the cheated on woman’s life. She may have got involved with a married man for any variety of reasons (one reason absolutely being pure selfishness and lack of morals) and she simply does not exist to be your antagonist. Women wring their hands hoping some great revenge will befall the OW or that the OW will dedicate the rest of her life to repenting for being involved with their slime-ball husband, but that simply doesn’t happen. As I said, the OW is an individual with her own life, she exists independently of the wife's messy marriage. Is it objectively wrong to get involved with a married man? Absolutely. Would one hope that anyone with morals would feel remorse over causing another person pain? Absolutely. But does the OW deserve a lifetime of contempt, or to be blamed for a man’s mistakes? Nope.

@Smallprint12

Thanks everyone, I had a chat with my team leader, initially I was going to ask if she can speak to him but I chickened and ended up saying I was going to leave. I just said I needed to work near home. So this means I have to resign soon. I have ignored his calls on work phone. He sent me an email saying to give him closure and agree to continue the affair till December then part ways. He said if I agreed he promises he will leave me alone in December. His reasoning is 2 months for goodbyes.He said just leaving him like this is cruel and even his family are suffering because of his mood. I have been strong so far but am now feeling guilty. I absolutely do not want to sleep with him again but might agree to a friendship till December

This is absolutely terrible. How dare he tell you to have sex with him for 2 more months when you don't want to Is he insane? You need to report this man to HR. He is a predator and will do it to someone else when you leave

@Smallprint12 You need to change your locks at home and tell him you will report him to HR if he doesn’t leave you alone. He’s a bully and he will hopefully back down, but if he doesn’t you need to report him. Don’t be afraid of what will happen to him because he’s brought it on himself. This sleazy man is in a position of professional authority and he is expected to behave appropriately as part of his job.

How are you OP ? are things any better at work home etc ? is he still harassing you ?

Thanks everyone who gave me advice, I have stuck with the good advice. I ignore him only email if I absolutely have to. I have remained professional, I have not replied emails or texts not to do with work. Im lucky I don't have to see him everyday. I saw him via zoom meeting and just concentrated on the meeting. I try to go to the office when he is not there, thankfully we get the rotas in case we need their help on site. I know one day we will have to meet in person , hopefully i will not be persuaded to start the relationship again. I changed the lock on my door. He did send me a present but I just left it aside, might give it to charity after lock down.

BlueThistles thanks for asking im trying to keep strong, hopefully he will get bored. I couldn't bring myself to speak to Hr due to fear that things may escalate. I know its unlikely but I just think what if he ended up losing his job, I would have to give the relationship another go as punishment for my mistake.

Ijustwant thanks, this is the biggest mistake in my life, hopefully the last one. I wish I hadn't done it but I did and now I'm paying for it.
Billy and everyone else, I hope I can stay in my job. My team leader has not said anything about me wanting to leave. If she mentions it or ask me then I might just have to as I would feel foolish saying I didn't mean it.
Isthisit I did laugh at one of his emails saying if I had agreed to his suggestion we would only have a few weeks left before parting as friends blah blah. He still says I'm making his family suffer as he is hurting and being miserable at home. I just ignored him.

Well done OP for take such positive steps forward.

Everyone makes mistakes in life.

It is what you do after you know you have made a mistake that will count.

In life there are loser's and learner's.

I think you are going to learn from this and move forward in a positive way.

He's a manipulative snake.

Do NOT give up this job you like surrounded by people you like.

Do not do it.

Tell HR the truth or tell them that you were dealing with some personal stuff and mis-spoke...tell them you really wish to stay.

He is slime emailing you.

He will do this to someone else, so if you could inform HR that would be great but I understand if you'd rather not.

Whatever you do, hang on to the job you enjoy.

If he approaches you, tell him you will go to HR.

You did something very silly. Hope you learn from it. A married man at work who is decades older than you? what could possibly go wrong...

Frankly as a manager I would not expect to have to sort out the love life gone sour of my employees either. What you should do is resign and tell the guy it is over. I also don't think HR would deal with this as harassment since you willingly had an affair with the guy and you were equally unprofessional.

As someone who works in Medical HR (the man in question is a Dr), I can tell you @Requinblanc you're very very wrong.

You're being blinded by your disapproval of affairs. I'm sure you wouldn't say a recently divorced woman who is being badgered by her ex-husband is not harassment. Harassment is harassment whether the original relationship was legitimate or not.

I think I'd be turning my beady little HR eyes on you as a manager. How absurd suggesting she resigns because she's being harassed by an older and more senior figure at her work.

You are being harassed. You need to tell your work. You shouldn’t have to give up your job for this.

He’s probably tried it on with others. You won’t be the first, if you don’t speak up, you won’t be the last.

Get a diary. Keep the emails. Write everything down.

@NotSurprisedReally

Completely agree.

I think HR would be most interested that a senior member of their staff, recently hired, had an affair with a very young, also new recruit.

Of course OP made a mistake.
Which she is owning.

But as someone who has worked in management and had some HR involvement, abet years ago, even then, an older man harassing a much younger staff member like that would be hugely frowned upon.

HR are not employed to moralise, they are there to keep staff safe.

He's harassing another member of staff for sex.

She could make this a police matter, and you think HR wouldn't be interested?

They would be most interested to hear this before it blows up on them, let me assure you.

[quote IJustWantSomeBees]@Jayaywhynot This isn't about your sister. OP is an individual who was single and made a mistake. Now she is paying for it. Comments like yours in which people obviously think that an OW is merely a story plot in a poor wife's life as opposed to an individual with her own life and journey irk me. You can tell from comments such as yours that many women blame the OW much more than the married man. Perhaps work on that internalised misogyny.[/quote]
@IJustWantSomeBees
Get off your soap box.
Internalised misogyny my arse.
The OP was sleeping with a married man, he's just as guilty, as guilty as my BIL was, I don't see the OW or the OP as merely a story plot in the poor wife's life, I see them for what they are, woman who sleep with other woman's husbands.
My sisters life is not a story, it's her life, its her DCs life, one where they are both devastated by the affair and the end of the marriage.
The OP willingly entered that relationship knowing he was married and is now bleating on MN as its all gone terribly wrong.
I saw your 2nd post, this touched a nerve has it, do you sleep with married men/woman? Are you trying to justify your own lack of morals?
Or do you just enjoy putting your ridiculous opinions out into the world from behind the safety of your keyboard?

Look at McDonalds. The CEO of the company (actually a Brit) was fired and now they are trying to claw back many millions in pay because he had a consenting relationship with a colleague. And both parties were single.

Don't leave your job, why should you?

Block him, change locks, ignore him.

I'm finding it difficult to sleep after what happened tonight. He turned up at my house after work. He couldn't get in like before so started ringing the bell endlessly. I had seen his car and ignored him. Eventually I opened, he came in crying. He accused me of not caring about him and his family.Took his phone and said he was calling his wife to tell her everything , I begged him not to. He thinks if he left everything will be okay. He doesn't realise my mum's disapproval was what started this. Honestly I was shaken , this is not the man I know. I kept my cool and just kept apologising telling him it wouldn't work long term. He said we could have children as he has always wanted more children but his wife refused. I just wanted him to leave but didn't want him to get angry. He asked me to give him another chance, I didn't say anything.He asked if he could stay the night as he was too distressed to drive, I nearly gave in but knew it would be a mistake. Its almost as if he is having a breakdown. At work he is very much a professional will chair MDT, discuss cases etc, so I'm not sure why he is acting like a teenager. He says he is hurting and the way I ended it was cruel. Im starting to think I may have behaved cruelly and will have to accept some of the blame. Im going to speak to Hr , not sure how much i will say. As someone commented Hr might not want to be involved as I had the affair willingly. Anyone who works in HR, do I email or call. I do not want him to get in trouble but someone to just have a chat with him. Im just drained by it all and I feel for him. He left an hour ago and I feel sad. Sorry to post so late I cannot sleep

Internalised misogyny my arse.
The OP was sleeping with a married man, he's just as guilty, as guilty as my BIL was, I don't see the OW or the OP as merely a story plot in the poor wife's life, I see them for what they are, woman who sleep with other woman's husbands.
My sisters life is not a story, it's her life, its her DCs life, one where they are both devastated by the affair and the end of the marriage.
The OP willingly entered that relationship knowing he was married and is now bleating on MN as its all gone terribly wrong.
I saw your 2nd post, this touched a nerve has it, do you sleep with married men/woman? Are you trying to justify your own lack of morals?
Or do you just enjoy putting your ridiculous opinions out into the world from behind the safety of your keyboard?

Get a fucking grip.

@Smallprint12

I'm finding it difficult to sleep after what happened tonight. He turned up at my house after work. He couldn't get in like before so started ringing the bell endlessly. I had seen his car and ignored him. Eventually I opened, he came in crying. He accused me of not caring about him and his family.Took his phone and said he was calling his wife to tell her everything , I begged him not to. He thinks if he left everything will be okay. He doesn't realise my mum's disapproval was what started this. Honestly I was shaken , this is not the man I know. I kept my cool and just kept apologising telling him it wouldn't work long term. He said we could have children as he has always wanted more children but his wife refused. I just wanted him to leave but didn't want him to get angry. He asked me to give him another chance, I didn't say anything.He asked if he could stay the night as he was too distressed to drive, I nearly gave in but knew it would be a mistake. Its almost as if he is having a breakdown. At work he is very much a professional will chair MDT, discuss cases etc, so I'm not sure why he is acting like a teenager. He says he is hurting and the way I ended it was cruel. Im starting to think I may have behaved cruelly and will have to accept some of the blame. Im going to speak to Hr , not sure how much i will say. As someone commented Hr might not want to be involved as I had the affair willingly. Anyone who works in HR, do I email or call. I do not want him to get in trouble but someone to just have a chat with him. Im just drained by it all and I feel for him. He left an hour ago and I feel sad. Sorry to post so late I cannot sleep

Op you have no reason to feel sorry for a 50 yr old man who can't accept a break up. Whether or not it was an affair you are allowed to end a relationship whenever you like. You don't have to put up with harassment as a 'punishment'.

Yes you need to speak to HR. If he turns up at your house again do not answer the door, call the police. If he contacts you via message then text him back very clearly and firmly with NO apologies asking him to leave you alone.

I'm standing to get really concerned about you now OP. He's unstable. Deluded. Manipulative. And quite probably will turn vindictive when he doesn't get what he wants and feels entitled to. And he feels entitled to you, regardless of what you have clear told him you want - this to end! Do you think someone this unstable is incapable of fucking up your work by slandering you to colleagues? By sabotaging your job?

You need to tell him once and for all that there will be no more contact outside of work issues and any attempt by him will be considered harassment and you WILL involve that police. No apologies, no explaining yourself, no being nice. A short, emotionless text. Keep it as evidence.

And go to HR and get your side of the story in before he gets his in. You don't have to make an official complaint- yet. But you need to get this on record!

You are not getting him in trouble, his behaviour is. Stop the guilt over the affair. That is over. This is about the aftermath. Protect yourself.

NO more apologies. You did not do this to him or his family. He's an adult and knew exactly what he was getting into. I'd be surprised if this is his first affair at work.

Stop worrying about the impact on him, start worrying about the impact on you!

You have been incredibly silly getting involved with a much older married man , with no thought for the damage you could be inflicting on his family, but you know that ! However, as a pp have said, his persistence and refusal to accept your decision is very worrying.

I would go HR and tell them, just incase he starts to make things difficult for you at work, so they have it on record. Once they know I would write/e-mail him and tell him, very simply and clearly that : it is over; you are NOT rekindling the relationship ; you will NOT communicate with him, other than for work matters; he is NOT to come to your house again and if he does you will report him to the police for harassment.
Sadly, I think you will have to change your job, it is not right, but you might benefit from a clean start. You have learned a very hard lesson and I wish you happiness in the future.

Goodness please do speak to HR and I would send him one final message (this is what the police would advise) along the lines of:
Do not contact me again either in person or via any means of communication other than necessary work related stuff. If you do I will contact the police as it’s harassment.

Then if he makes contact even 1 more time immediately contact them.

I hate to say this, but please please do remember the huge numbers of women that come to harm from men they know every year. This man isn’t stable and is totally unpredictable. Look after yourself first. It’s not your job to care for him.

Please go to HR.
Please tell them you are concerned for your safety.
You SHOULD be concerned for your safety OP.
He sounds extremely unstable and manipulative.
Do NOT allow him in your home again.
You are putting yourself in danger by allowing someone so unstable into your home.

Please inform HR of your relationship with him.
That you ended it.
That you felt forced to make plans to leave because of his harassment.

Take action.
He sounds unstable.
His poor wife and family.

Protect yourself and please learn from this.

He's harassing and stalking you. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. Don't answer the door to him again, if he won't leave, call the police and let them deal with him. Don't interact with him, it feeds his delusions.

Tell HR everything.

This man is unstable, controlling and manipulative. You're dangerously passive. Please tell people what's going on - friends, family and HR.

He shouldn't be your problem. I find him creepy and desperate. Tell him you met someone else.