Harassment

[Smallprint12]

I know I made a big mistake and will accept all blame hopefully not too horrible
Early this year I started a new job, on my 1st day I met another new member of staff. As two newbies we spent time together which developed into an affair. He is much more senior (4x my senior)than me and very much older . He is 50 whilst I'm 26. I never really questioned his home life but this continued with no complications. I just thought eventually it would die down and we would move on or part ways. We are now wfh and recently I was going to my parents for my mums small birthday dinner. I invited him and we had a great day. My mum however disapproved of the age difference (didn't tell her everything) . I realised she was right and I did not want to be with this man anymore. I should never have been with him in the 1st place. I decided to cool things, no texts no emails no calls. He kept pushing asking to come to my house. I resisted. I work on site once a week and last week when I went he was there. We had a discussion and I sort of said I wanted to meet someone and hopefully settle. Not with him obviously, in fact when I look at him now I see how old he is. He is my parents age group. Anyway he offered to leave his wife, obviously I said no. I want children and he would be too old by then. My family would also hate him due to how we met.

He is now threatening to walk out and come to my home.He says he has been unhappy at home blah blah.He thinks the reason I don't want to continue because he is married and if he left her it will be okay. I think if he left he would ruin his reputation and i would probably have to leave my job. My reason is its not right, he is old and I should find someone my own ageHe is accusing me of being cruel. Should I look for a new job.

I just think what if he ended up losing his job, I would have to give the relationship another go as punishment for my mistake.

@Smallprint12 whatever you do don't do this!
He is manipulative and taking advantage of you. You've already said that he acts professionally at work, in meetings etc so he clearly knows how he should behave and isn't falling apart.
He is choosing to harass you

Oh and change your locks

Im very worried about how you keep referring to how you will HAVE TO do certain things rather than hold your ground

If your manager asks about leaving, you will HAVE TO leave rather than say 'no, Ive changed my mind about that'

If he gets into trouble, or says you are cruel you will HAVE TO get back with him to somehow pay for your behaviour.

You do know that nobody can make you do anything you dont want. They can scream, shout, cry, throw themselves at your feet, but ultimately YOU are in charge of your own destiny - you are not flotsum being blown from here to there on the waves of life.

You can be as cruel as you like in breaking up with someone. Im not sure you particularly were, but it seems to be the fix that holds, and he is using to guilt trip you.

You dont owe anyone a relationship. Even if he shouts it from the rooftops and puts a full paid ad in the Times, you dont owe him a relationship. How he is behaving towards his family, is HIS choice. You have made it clear you are over and you dont want him to tell his wife, but if he chooses to, thats his choice, and you STILL dont have to open the door and let him in.

You should have phoned the police.

You need to go to HR now, and someone official needs to tell him that he is not to contact you. Using the work phone/email for this is unprofessioanl anyway. And he mustnt come near your home or you will call the police.

Why are you talking about all these terms on which you might have to get back with him? considering giving him a few months and all that shit? hes 50 fucking years old not 14. Its just so bloody pathetic.

Ring the police and tell his boss. Who cares what happens due to his actions

This sounds dangerous now. Tell HR and see what they say. Also consider calling the police so that they will at least have a word with him.

His life and future is none of your concern. He's had plenty of chances, if he ruins his job then that's his fault.

He's not really harassing you though, is he?

I think your bigger problem is why you have behaved so incredibly badly.

And now, belatedly, it's occurred to you it might affect your reputation and you should change jobs. Well thars nut easily done in a pandemic and anyway, it's not going to solve anything, is it?

When your energy should have been taken up with your new job, you immediately began an affair with a married man twice your age. You invited him to your mother's, which would indicate quite a serious relationship, and then suddenly went cold on him and dropped him because you suddenly noticed he was old. Obviously he's upset.

Behaviour doesn't really get much worse than that. You sound, as though you have no boundaries or self respect in your personal or work life. You will pribably continue to get into these messy situations and not follow any advice. Even the way you describe it is odd, with no emotion and almost as if you're surprised what happened, be use you hadn't considered the consequences beyond having sex.

He's not really harassing you though, is he?

Have you read all OPs posts?

He absolutely is harassing her.

The police are a good idea.

His career is his concern.

Harassing her for sex and turning up on her door crying.

Very unstable.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Regardless of previous behaviour and decisions, this guy really, really, absolutely is harassing OP.

His behaviour at this point is concerning and he sounds unwell therefore unpredictable.

She needs to seek help to address this as it is escalating and bollocking her about her (admittedly bad) behaviour leading up to this is not helpful or productive.

You're essentially saying she should tolerate being harassed and being frightened because she made her bed.

People make mistakes, she doesn't need to be punished through harassment.

I think you would be looking for it to be rather more prolonged and threatening for it to cross over the boundary into harassment. It's a live affair that ended, people get emotional.

I absolutely stand by my statement that the OP is a stupid idiot to CHOOSE to get into a relationship with a married man the instant she started a new job. And what on earth was she thinking inviting him to tea at her mother's? Thats what you do with people you're serious about. No wonder he's confused.

Most of us do manage to avoid married men twice our age in our twenties. It's not that young.

Let it die down, he will get over it, keep working and don't damage your reputation further by leaving a job under a cloud of the rumours that will undoubtedly start up the minute you leave.

I think you need to be a bit more work focused at work.

I think you need to be a bit more work focused at work

Does that also go for the harassing, stalking, 50 year old married man?

@TwentyViginti

I think you need to be a bit more work focused at work

Does that also go for the harassing, stalking, 50 year old married man?

And a doctor🙄.

Wouldn't you just love him treating you🙄.

Such appalling judgement and him not 5 minutes in the job.

26 isn't young, but it is much younger that a 50 year old.

His behaviour is appalling.

Anyone looking at this on paper would be appalled at his lack of judgement.

@GreenlandTheMovie

I think you would be looking for it to be rather more prolonged and threatening for it to cross over the boundary into harassment. It's a live affair that ended, people get emotional.

I absolutely stand by my statement that the OP is a stupid idiot to CHOOSE to get into a relationship with a married man the instant she started a new job. And what on earth was she thinking inviting him to tea at her mother's? Thats what you do with people you're serious about. No wonder he's confused.

Most of us do manage to avoid married men twice our age in our twenties. It's not that young.

Let it die down, he will get over it, keep working and don't damage your reputation further by leaving a job under a cloud of the rumours that will undoubtedly start up the minute you leave.

I think you need to be a bit more work focused at work.

I don't think you realise how terribly you're coming across to people with an ounce of sense. Yes, OP made foolish and frankly selfish decisions. No, that does not warrant a man harassing her. Which he is doing.

I'm black and white about cheating and affairs, I can be arguably too judgemental about people in them. That doesn't mean I think they deserve what they get point blank as you seem to. Actions have consequences, yes. That doesn't mean the consequences are fair game and the person should just accept them no matter what.

@GreenlandTheMovie are your serious with your response?

You don't think the married mans actions are worse?

She realised he was old and that upset him? Did he not realise he was old then? Should he not be concentrating on his job also?

Jeez stop making excuses for the "mans" response are you really one of these people who thinks that men get "tempted" and the poor little man can't help himself?

I absolutely stand by my statement that the OP is a stupid idiot to CHOOSE to get into a relationship with a married man the instant she started a new job. And what on earth was she thinking inviting him to tea at her mother's? Thats what you do with people you're serious about. No wonder he's confused.

He's 50 not 5!

Did he not CHOOSE to get into a relationship with the OP? He was also in a new job, so what's his excuse?

What was a married man doing going to his affair partners mothers for dinner?

You sound like a woman whose husband has had an affair and you're convinced that it was all the woman's fault for tempting him......it wasn't!

Credit men with the ability to know right from wrong.

@Smallprint12 take no notice of @GreenlandTheMovie, as you can see she goes against the majority on here.

I hope you managed to talk to HR and you are getting the support you deserve.

If he turns up again, you really need to call the police.

He's been warned, he is 50 and totally understands, he is not a child.

Maybe the police dealing with him just once will be enough.

Thanks everyone yesterday I was really shaken, I stayed awake till 3am just fretting. He said I was cruel and that I hurt him. This shook me and has made me start to doubt myself. He is really making me scared , I doubt he would be violent but that he could make problems at work for me. I have asked HR for a meeting, didn't really say what exactly but just i need to speak to someone. I was told they will give me an appointment. Yesterday I thought of calling the police but decided against it. I do not want him in front of GMC I just want him to leave me alone. I think he is manipulating, after thinking about what happened yesterday, he took his phone from the pocket, showed me his wife's no then said im calling her now to tell her. I was begging him not to almost crying as I didn't want to make it worse. I actually don't know if he would have called or he just wanted to scare me. Tomorrow I'm going to work and I know he is working as well. I will stay clear. Im trying not to deal with him but its difficult as he manages some of my cases.
I take full blame for my mistake but I do not want to be harassed. I will wait for HR.

I understand @Smallprint12 but you are not solely to blame! Stop accepting that, you're not!

If he turns up again tonight, you need to call the police. He's had every chance and he's still harassing you.

T

@Smallprint12

Telling you that you are cruel and you have hurt him might be true but he is manipulating and guilt tripping you. I think he knows it's making you so scared and pressured so that you would cave in.

You must ignore all further contact from him and warn him that you will contact the police if he continues this. I suspect he is possibly relying on you wanting to protect your reputation to not say anything. He is harassing you and it is affecting your mental health.

He's not worried how cruel and hurtful this will be for his wife does he?

This is all very worrying Small. He sounds unhinged. Remember that many women are killed by ex partners.
Send him a text saying if he doesn't stop contacting you you will call the police. That is his final warning, then call the police if he turns up or call 111 if he continues texting.
Tell HR everything. He is in a position of power so will be the one who is judged to be in the wrong in the first place, as well the harassment now.

I suspect HR will already have dealt with cases of affairs and sexual harassment so you do not have to feel any shame in disclosing it to them.

I feel for you, you allowed yourself to be in this situation, Andhra us behaving badly .
Prob lust and infatuation, we all have mistakes and errors, be strong.
He may have other issues behind all he says.
Take care, in a few months things will be better, be kind to yourself

I'm sorry for the situation you're in. If I was you, I'd resign and join another work place. Trust me, even if HR takes steps against him, your reputation in the company will be destroyed for messing with a married man. It's always us women who get the blame in these type of situations. People will most likely gossip about you and slag you off behind your back. You might not get promotions because of your behaviour. I'm not saying that you're blameless, but there is so much mysogyny. If he keeps on bothering you, call the police.