Husband attacked teenage son

[Throwawaynameforthis]

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

Toxtethogrady, how many teen boys have you parented?

However, you could perhaps flip your comment and say that the reason there is such an issue now with male violence is because teenagers are being allowed to act how they want without being challenged?
I agree that teenagers need to be challenged when they are out of order, however they do not need to be assaulted when they are out of order.
a parent should model good behaviour by challenging them in a way which de escalates the situation, by staying in control and containing their own anger, not allowing it to spill over just like the teenager did

This is SO interesting - my husband has hit out at our teenage daughter recently, as well as very occasional physical attacks towards our son over the years (daughter aged 15 and son aged 16).The attacks only occur every 2-3 years. When confronted my husband strongly defends his actions, sometimes adapting the series of events/lead up to make it sound as though he was perfectly in his rights to behave in the way he has.
My husband had an upbringing of some physical abuse and some domestic violence and, after several years in the Army where emotions aren’t acknowledged usually, it has resulted in a man who feels that he is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. He has suggested that because we are not unified in the way we parent, in other words he doesn’t feel as if I am on his side, it is problematic for our relationship long term.

He has attended counselling (anger management) but had so little awareness that he was unable to gain from it, he was unable to peel back the layers as to why he behaves the way he does. (He was asked to attend by his employer).

Anyhow, after years of trying to make peace with the position I find myself in, I can now see it is utterly pointless trying to reason with him and I have reached a place (without counselling) that he is who he is, nothing I say or do will change anything (and I want to preserve the marriage). It would be tricky going to couples counselling as he would wonder what all the fuss was about.

He is a good man in all other respects: loyal, hard working and very loving.

I just wanted the poster to know that she’s not alone 🌺 it’s a tough world sometimes 🌺

@CrispsnDips

This is SO interesting - my husband has hit out at our teenage daughter recently, as well as very occasional physical attacks towards our son over the years (daughter aged 15 and son aged 16).The attacks only occur every 2-3 years. When confronted my husband strongly defends his actions, sometimes adapting the series of events/lead up to make it sound as though he was perfectly in his rights to behave in the way he has. My husband had an upbringing of some physical abuse and some domestic violence and, after several years in the Army where emotions aren’t acknowledged usually, it has resulted in a man who feels that he is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. He has suggested that because we are not unified in the way we parent, in other words he doesn’t feel as if I am on his side, it is problematic for our relationship long term.

He has attended counselling (anger management) but had so little awareness that he was unable to gain from it, he was unable to peel back the layers as to why he behaves the way he does. (He was asked to attend by his employer).

Anyhow, after years of trying to make peace with the position I find myself in, I can now see it is utterly pointless trying to reason with him and I have reached a place (without counselling) that he is who he is, nothing I say or do will change anything (and I want to preserve the marriage). It would be tricky going to couples counselling as he would wonder what all the fuss was about.

He is a good man in all other respects: loyal, hard working and very loving.

I just wanted the poster to know that she’s not alone 🌺 it’s a tough world sometimes 🌺

So if your children end up with partners who hit them every couple of years, defend themselves in doing so and are asked by their employers to attend anger management classes (what happened there?), and then start on your grandchildren once they're old enough to argue back, will you be happy if your son and daughter describe them as "good in all other respects, loyal, hardworking and very loving"? Those will be good marriages and families?

@CrispsnDips

This is SO interesting - my husband has hit out at our teenage daughter recently, as well as very occasional physical attacks towards our son over the years (daughter aged 15 and son aged 16).The attacks only occur every 2-3 years. When confronted my husband strongly defends his actions, sometimes adapting the series of events/lead up to make it sound as though he was perfectly in his rights to behave in the way he has. My husband had an upbringing of some physical abuse and some domestic violence and, after several years in the Army where emotions aren’t acknowledged usually, it has resulted in a man who feels that he is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. He has suggested that because we are not unified in the way we parent, in other words he doesn’t feel as if I am on his side, it is problematic for our relationship long term.

He has attended counselling (anger management) but had so little awareness that he was unable to gain from it, he was unable to peel back the layers as to why he behaves the way he does. (He was asked to attend by his employer).

Anyhow, after years of trying to make peace with the position I find myself in, I can now see it is utterly pointless trying to reason with him and I have reached a place (without counselling) that he is who he is, nothing I say or do will change anything (and I want to preserve the marriage). It would be tricky going to couples counselling as he would wonder what all the fuss was about.

He is a good man in all other respects: loyal, hard working and very loving.

I just wanted the poster to know that she’s not alone 🌺 it’s a tough world sometimes 🌺

Yeah, OP's husband doesn't take it upon himself to physically attack the children two to three times a year. And he already HAS voluntarily sought help.

Your husband sounds like a fucking animal. And you don't sound much better deciding that he just is who he is.

Who he is, is an abuser and someone you're colluding with to allow the abuse to continue.

Thankfully the OP isn't anything like you.

OhCaptain - if you're going to quote a post, why not actually read it? She said once every 2 or 3 years, not 2 or 3 times a year.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's only every two years he attacks his children. You're right - that's perfectly acceptable. My mistake.

@Greektome

OhCaptain - if you're going to quote a post, why not actually read it? She said once every 2 or 3 years, not 2 or 3 times a year.

Does it matter if she got it wrong it's still fucking wrong no matter how many times/often he does it!!!!!!

I didn't say it was acceptable, I said it was different. Complete disregard of facts when you are attacking someone is pretty despicable. You are spreading disinformation and should apologise, if anything.

@Greektome

I didn't say it was acceptable, I said it was different. Complete disregard of facts when you are attacking someone is pretty despicable. You are spreading disinformation and should apologise, if anything.

I have nothing to apologise for.

The fact is that you felt a slight error in timing was a more important point than OP quite happily admitting that her husband attacks her children on a regular basis.

That says a lot more about you than it does me.

@OhCaptain

Yep. I truly didn't realise not abusing your children was so controversial. Or that as long as abuse fitted into a few specific niches of "acceptable reasoning" it was fine

It's not a slight error in timing. Do you really think that being hit once every 3 years is the same as being hit 3 times a year? That losing your temper once every 3 years is the same as losing it 3 times a year? I bet the children wouldn't agree if the situation escalated.
Stop attacking people without bothering to read what they have to say. Sick of people ignoring the facts.

@Greektome Except being hit once is bad enough. Being abused once on any level is bad enough. It doesn't have to happen 3x a year in order for it to be abusive and shitty - if you abuse someone once, you're still an abuser.

@Greektome

It's not a slight error in timing. Do you really think that being hit once every 3 years is the same as being hit 3 times a year? That losing your temper once every 3 years is the same as losing it 3 times a year? I bet the children wouldn't agree if the situation escalated. Stop attacking people without bothering to read what they have to say. Sick of people ignoring the facts.

How about you stop derailing the thread because you've decided that it's more important to be right than to look at the bigger picture which is that fathers shouldn't be routinely beating their children?

And for the record, I don't think the leap between once every two years and two/three times a year is that big. Not when it comes to attacking your own child.

If you do, then like I said that's a pretty problematic reflection of YOU and that's what you should be worried about.

Change OhCaptain's post to correct the frequency of the abuse and it still stands just fine.