Husband attacked teenage son

[Throwawaynameforthis]

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

You realise right that one of the biggest reasons for stabbings amongst young boys/men is seemingly innocent comments just like this

I also realise that one of the reasons for violence in young men is growing up with it at home.

Do you?

I’d also add there is ways to teach kids how to behave without assaulting them.

@Bluntness100

You realise right that one of the biggest reasons for stabbings amongst young boys/men is seemingly innocent comments just like this

I also realise that one of the reasons for violence in young men is growing up with it at home.

Do you?

Yes; domestic abuse or a pattern of emotional or physical abuse. Not usually from a one off incident thankfully.

@CulturallyAppropriatedName Except patterns always start from one event, and unless you can predict the future, it's not clear if this is a catalyst for positive change or further abuse.

OP,

Teens at that age can be very trying.

I can imagine how upset you are.

But it seems while things have been simmering for months and have finally spilled over.

I certainly don't think your long marriage is over, nor do I think you should kick your husband out......I do however think it is a big wake up call that the dynamic in your family needs addressing.

Your husband was wrong without a doubt.
He is the adult and should know better.
But he is human, and he has made a mistake.

Your son sounds very gobby, argumentative and annoying...I had two like that, both my son's....I used to say they would argue with their fingers🙄....exhausting.

I think you need to sit and really talk to your husband about what brought him to this place and what can be done to prevent it happening again. He needs to offer up what he is going to do to ensure this does NOT happen again.

I think you need to sit down together with your children and acknowledge that what happened was wrong and that it will not happen again.

I think you need to talk to your son about how he's feeling and how he is behaving.

Some family counselling could be very helpful.

Happy families are NOT created by one person, everyone plays a part.

One member constantly behaving badly will sour things for everyone.

No one member of a family can be allowed to sour the atmosphere for everyone.

This needed to be reiterated a couple of times during the teenage years here!

Your son needs to be told to buck up, as does your husband.

You are rightly terribly upset at a this incident in your home.

You OP need to very firmly lay down the law about what you expect from your family.

Violence is NEVER the answer.

Tell them clearly YOU will not tolerate this petty baiting of each other, any longer.

They BOTH need to grow up.

They both need to apologise to their sisters and you for their behaviour and upset.

OP, they both need to see YOU assume control and tell them clearly to buck up.

Obviously as the adult here, your husband needs to be majorly onboard and own his part in this, before you can move forward.

Wishing you the best.

To much testosterone in the house. When my ex husband and ds got to about 15 or 16 they started clashing. I noticed ex husband often picked on this child eg if 2 children broke something he would get blame. I kicked ex husband out not just because of way he was damaging ds self esteem but that was a large part of it. Now he has nothing to do with his Dad whereas younger son now adult often goes over to see his Dad, or did before Covid. They Skype now I think.

Your husband was wrong without a doubt.
He is the adult and should know better.
But he is human, and he has made a mistake.

Would you say the same thing if he had assaulted his wife?

I totally agree that people are human and make mistakes. I'm not arguing that the guy is evil and beyond redemption. However, I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who assaulted me, even if it was "a mistake", because the trust would be destroyed and I would always be concerned that it would happen again.

If I would protect myself from the potential for further abuse by ending the relationship after a single violent incident, then why on earth would I not do the same to protect my child? And why would I teach my child to stick around after an abusive incident when I myself would leave?

I genuinely don't get it. Is there some kind of double standard that means it's ok to assault a child but not to assault your partner? Or would the people defending the OP's DH also say that a wife/partner should stick around if the DH pinned her to the ground and threatened to smack her, on the basis that he's only human and it was just a one-off mistake?

@AlexaShutUp

Your husband was wrong without a doubt. He is the adult and should know better. But he is human, and he has made a mistake.

Would you say the same thing if he had assaulted his wife?

I totally agree that people are human and make mistakes. I'm not arguing that the guy is evil and beyond redemption. However, I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who assaulted me, even if it was "a mistake", because the trust would be destroyed and I would always be concerned that it would happen again.

If I would protect myself from the potential for further abuse by ending the relationship after a single violent incident, then why on earth would I not do the same to protect my child? And why would I teach my child to stick around after an abusive incident when I myself would leave?

I genuinely don't get it. Is there some kind of double standard that means it's ok to assault a child but not to assault your partner? Or would the people defending the OP's DH also say that a wife/partner should stick around if the DH pinned her to the ground and threatened to smack her, on the basis that he's only human and it was just a one-off mistake?

The problem with your analogy is that I also wouldn't stay with a man who told me when to shower, when to eat, what I was eating and who made me ask before I could have a snack. But we do all that to our children and it's considered good parenting. You cannot compare a romantic relationship to that of a parent/child and in fact it is a lack of discipline that often ends up with children running amok on their later teenage years.

For clarity I am not saying that the father acted appropriately as I have commented above but your comparison is unfair and unrealistic. Parents discipline their children. We are expected to. It is essential to raising healthy young adults. When we get it right, we feel good. But now and then we all get it wrong. We shout when we shouldn't or we let one of our many spinning plates fall. We let our kids down occasionally but it just means we learn from those mistakes and hopefully we apologise to our children and they learn from it too.

Seen this happen with my younger brother, was an absolute little shit at about 15/16, he would push and push my dad as much as he could, my dad would never react and would be the bigger man and walk away!

Then one day my dad lost it, and pinned my brother to the sofa and gave him a mouthful, brother calmed down alot after that, and 10 years later they both have a great relationship!

I was shocked my dad didnt lose it with him sooner, because he wouldnt take that shit from a random bloke down the pub!

@billy1966

OP,

Teens at that age can be very trying.

I can imagine how upset you are.

But it seems while things have been simmering for months and have finally spilled over.

I certainly don't think your long marriage is over, nor do I think you should kick your husband out......I do however think it is a big wake up call that the dynamic in your family needs addressing.

Your husband was wrong without a doubt.
He is the adult and should know better.
But he is human, and he has made a mistake.

Your son sounds very gobby, argumentative and annoying...I had two like that, both my son's....I used to say they would argue with their fingers🙄....exhausting.

I think you need to sit and really talk to your husband about what brought him to this place and what can be done to prevent it happening again. He needs to offer up what he is going to do to ensure this does NOT happen again.

I think you need to sit down together with your children and acknowledge that what happened was wrong and that it will not happen again.

I think you need to talk to your son about how he's feeling and how he is behaving.

Some family counselling could be very helpful.

Happy families are NOT created by one person, everyone plays a part.

One member constantly behaving badly will sour things for everyone.

No one member of a family can be allowed to sour the atmosphere for everyone.

This needed to be reiterated a couple of times during the teenage years here!

Your son needs to be told to buck up, as does your husband.

You are rightly terribly upset at a this incident in your home.

You OP need to very firmly lay down the law about what you expect from your family.

Violence is NEVER the answer.

Tell them clearly YOU will not tolerate this petty baiting of each other, any longer.

They BOTH need to grow up.

They both need to apologise to their sisters and you for their behaviour and upset.

OP, they both need to see YOU assume control and tell them clearly to buck up.

Obviously as the adult here, your husband needs to be majorly onboard and own his part in this, before you can move forward.

Wishing you the best.

I agree with this. This would be the husbands last chance.

Thanks for the continuing feedback. It is helpful.

I agree with everyone that has suggested family counselling would be appropriate and given where we are at today it can no longer be optional.

I’m going to sit down with H and the older two tonight and have a proper conversation around what happened and what happens next.

You cannot compare a romantic relationship to that of a parent/child and in fact it is a lack of discipline that often ends up with children running amok on their later teenage years

Discipline doesn’t mean physical though luckily for the bulk of people and children.

Whether a couple, friends, parent or child etc it’s never acceptable to use physical discipline. Parents are meant to love and protect their children not hurt hem.

I think you should all keep your hands off each other. I can’t imagine pinging my DS’s boxers at that age. And I can understand why he reacted to that.

You all need family counselling.

Your husband wasn’t right to get physical and I would be concerned the situation could escalate again and become violent, so I think he should definitely go forward with the counselling, as he’s not sending out a good message to his son through his behaviour. However, conversely, some teenage boys get way too big for their boots and start thinking they can dominate/intimidate others in the house (I’ve seen in on here many times), particularly their mothers, so I don’t think it’s the end of the world that he was reminded that his cannot behave exactly how he wants, no matter how rude and disrespectful without consequences, which for a young arrogant teenage boy is a good lesson imo, as he’s likely to experience far worse from strangers if he carries on with that attitude and behaviour.

Of course romantic relationships are not directly comparable to those that we have with our children, but the basic principles are surely the same? That everyone has the right to be treated with respect and dignity? And that everyone should feel safe?

Children have different needs from adults, so yes, when they're small, they need to be told what to do and when to do it, though this obviously changes as they get older. However, no child needs to be physically assaulted? That is not a valid form of discipline.

I'm glad you are going to take this issue straight on.

The very worst thing would be to too quickly move on.

The best thing you can do is to shine a great big light on it and the dynamics in the family and what brought ye to this place.

By continuing to make a big deal of this, you reinforce the narrative that this is completely unacceptable.

Reinforcing that kindness, courtesy and respect are vital in the family.

Family meetings can be very good for clearing the air.

Ultimately, all of your children will be reassured by you making a big deal of this and not accepting a repetition of it.

Your family have come to a fork in the road.

You have to make it very clear that you are not going down the side that involves a repeat of the other night.

Good luck.

@AlexaShutUp

Of course romantic relationships are not directly comparable to those that we have with our children, but the basic principles are surely the same? That everyone has the right to be treated with respect and dignity? And that everyone should feel safe?

Children have different needs from adults, so yes, when they're small, they need to be told what to do and when to do it, though this obviously changes as they get older. However, no child needs to be physically assaulted? That is not a valid form of discipline.

So true.

And I would add that children and teenagers, even when they are being dickheads, should not be physically afraid of their parents any more than a woman should be physically afraid of her partner. Children and teenagers as they don't have the wherewithal to leave, and if one parent can't control him/herself, the onus is on the other parent to remove them from that situation.

@rashalert he absolutely didn’t shove his arse in my face. If he had I would have dealt with that act of aggression.

Neither did I creep out the room - I honestly don’t know why people just make shit up!

my personal opinion is that providing this is not a pattern of behaviour with DH, and he understands it went too far, then there is hope move on from this. Those saying otherwise may not have lived with a hobby teenager. I have a 17 year old DD with undiagnosed needs ( seeing CAHMS this week) and it is s sometimes like being in an abusive relationship that you cannot walk away from. I can remember one occasion when she would not give me something I had requested and I attempted to take it from her. We ended up literally wrestling on the floor, both shouting, both crying. Yes, I was the adult and should not have lost control but honestly, it has nearly broken me so many times and although I love her dearly, I will be so glad when she leaves home and just visits. For an adult to reach breaking point once in nearly 20 years of parenting is not a' deal-breaker' He did not beat him up or punch him, it sounds like he was actually trying to restrain him. I would have been devastated if anyone had tried to split our family over the one incident and actually DD and I do still talk about it fairly regularly as it was so shocking to both of us after the event.

@rashalert You seem hyperfocused on the "arse" or "cock" of this boy, not entirely sure why. She went to the loo after (from what has been said) seemed like a relatively light-hearted conversation to which her husband had a stronger than necessary response.

Not everyone thinks it's okay to hit your children, and given OP's children are just as much hers as they are his (obviously) then she is allowed to be angry and upset at his behaviour.

hobby not hobby.

How the hell you translate DS then leant across me (to grab the dice or snacks) so that his torso was right across me to him having “his cock” in my face I don’t know. But that’s a 14 year old boy you’re talking about and you’re a sick individual!

I told him to stop saying things that weren’t true and left the room to diffuse the situation. Asking him to leave the room would play into his hands.

He’s 14 he couldn’t care less if he’s sent to his room. Suits him perfectly. He needed to be called out (which he was) and when I returned he’d have been challenged on his bad behaviour. Only we didn’t get that far.