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Original poster

Husband attacked teenage son

440 replies

Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 13:58

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

OP posts:
BadDucks · 27/10/2020 14:25

I have a 15 year old ds he can also be obnoxious and arrogant and has also clashed badly with H. It’s not an issue anymore as I am ending my marriage and H is Disney dad of the year.

I don’t tolerate rudeness but I don’t engage in arguments with ds either. I just quietly remove his Xbox (his entire life and social life basically) and take it to my work office where it stays until DS can come to me with an apology and willingness to have a civil conversation.
There is usually two days of whining and tantrums and when am I getting it back. My response is always “when you figure it out” and that’s my only response. By day 3 he is usually slinking in shamed faced and “I know I was out of order” and what usually follows is a really long chat about what’s going on in his life, what’s bugging him or things he’s anxious about and for a little while my lovely son is back. Until the obnoxious version rocks up again!

FelicityPike · 27/10/2020 14:26

No way!
Your “d” h needs to pack his bags and go.

Chamberlai · 27/10/2020 14:27

Tell your DH to watch himself.

One day he'll find your DS has grown bigger and stronger than him, and he's the one who gets a thrashing.

I saw this happen to my own father. He was the one cleaning his blood off the walls after my DB hit back.

BertieBloopsMum · 27/10/2020 14:27

@lunar1

There is no coming back from this.
Of course there is.

OP, can you afford family counselling?

NiceGerbil · 27/10/2020 14:29

I have a friend where similar happened. Boy was s monumental pita and dad lost it and walloped him.

They did family counseling and all is well now.

At the time I said you have to kick him out but she didn't and from what I can see that was the right decision.

Tough all round.

PurpleWave · 27/10/2020 14:29

Not that it excuses it, but just to be clear did your son do something after you'd left the room? Or is the reference to a smack about what DS said about you?

Northernparent68 · 27/10/2020 14:30

Perhaps your son has leant not to push boundaries, if he’s recovered from this so can you

Audreyseyebrows · 27/10/2020 14:32

If a stranger did that to your son how would you react?
Being his dad is no excuse.

RhubarbTea · 27/10/2020 14:33

You need to leave him. This is totally unacceptable behaviour. And I say that on MN very rarely.

AlexaShutUp · 27/10/2020 14:34

I think teenagers clashing with their parents is pretty standard stuff. Parents losing all control and pinning their children to the floor surely isn't?

If he did this to any other person, surely it would be generally acknowledged that this was assault. The fact that he is DS's father does not make this ok.

I genuinely do not believe that your kids are just ok with having witnessed/experienced this kind of violence from their father. They might seem ok, but perhaps they are afraid of what might happen if they say that they are disturbed by it.

I would have to ask dh to leave. If you are not going to do that, what are you going to do to ensure that your dc are safe and also that they feel safe?

Cantthinkofausename · 27/10/2020 14:35

I dont think its as bad as everyone is making out. Your husband didnt actually hit your son? Just pinned him to the floor? I have a 13yo and 15yo so im aware what they are like at that age. If your son has been pushing it for a while and your husband has just lost his shit a bit, hes only human. Aslong as it doesnt happen again.

plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 14:35

He needs to get out of the house, permanently, and you need to report this to either social services or the police, so you can keep your kids safe, so you have a record, so you can prove it happened if you ever end up in family court. Awful for your kids OP.

Bunnymumy · 27/10/2020 14:36

My initial thoughts were feck no, but tbh...it sounds like the kid needed to be challenged. I think sometimes young lads need to be put in place by their fathers (especially if they think it's ok to give snash to their mothers). He was getting too big for his boots and there were consequences.

I would chalk this up to a one off overreaction. But look into different, acceptable discipline measures in future. And if hubby cannot see his mistake or if he shows any violent or threatening behaviour in moving forwards, get shot of him.

Let's be fair, many of us got a walloping as a child on occasion. No harm done.

Just as long as that's the end of it now.
Keep an eye on it.

AlexaShutUp · 27/10/2020 14:37

Perhaps your son has leant not to push boundaries, if he’s recovered from this so can you

Seriously? Do you generally recommend assault as a means of helping children learn?

plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 14:38

It is a big deal. It is a huge deal. If I wrote a post on here about a partner shouting at me and pinning me to the floor what would the response be? Why is it any different to doing it to a 15 year old? It's horrible, abusive behaviour. No excuse.

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2020 14:38

Tbh by your own admission your son is obnoxious and arrogant and accused you of assault. If he did this outside of the family he'd be in big trouble. I think you need to focus on your son's behaviour.

ShadyBansheeThing · 27/10/2020 14:40

Thos is not the main point and I agree with PPs that H needs a wake up call - whether that's kicking him out or some kind of counselling/anger management.

But I'm also wondering if a family game when your eldest is 14, is an unnecessary pressure cooker. My teen boy would absolutely hate that and if he was forced to do it he'd be in a very shitty mood and arguments would ensue. Do all the kids want to play a family game or is there some kind of pressure or expectation that it's hard to challenge?

14 is an age where they typically need to pull away and do their own thing a bit more.

BadDucks · 27/10/2020 14:40

“Just pinned home to the floor”?

I’m not sure why that’s ok in anyone’s books. I imagine there was a raised fist and threat of being hit for him and his sister to bolt out the house terrified.

Would it be ok for a teacher pushed to the limit to pin a child to the floor? Of course not so why on earth is it ok for a parent to? I thought we stopped viewing children as property of their parents and without autonomy and rights over their own bodies years ago?

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 27/10/2020 14:42

Contrary view here maybe but by your own admission "I love DS dearly but he can be obnoxious and arrogant. He will never back down from an argument and reacts badly if told off." it seems like you may have a parenting problem here too. It seems the child is behaving badly and parents need to set boundaries. I can tell you how it would have gone if i had "reacted badly to being told off" to either of my parent or grandparents, it would definitely have not gone well for me. Disrespectful and arrogant children become disrespectful and arrogant adults.

Merrz · 27/10/2020 14:44

I think there is obviously some real issues that need dealt with here but 100% I think you can come back from this.
I am not by any means saying your H behaviour is acceptable but not too many years ago this would be pretty standard in most households!
I can remember 2 occasions as a child when my dad lost his shit with us, i'll never forget it but man did it make us buck up our behaviour

AlexaShutUp · 27/10/2020 14:45

I dont think its as bad as everyone is making out. Your husband didnt actually hit your son? Just pinned him to the floor? I have a 13yo and 15yo so im aware what they are like at that age. If your son has been pushing it for a while and your husband has just lost his shit a bit, hes only human. Aslong as it doesnt happen again.

Just lost his shit a bit? Just pinned him to the floor?

Wow, the lengths to which some people are prepared to go to minimise and justify male violence are incredible.

For those who think it isn't that bad, how would you react if a teacher did that to your child when they were being a PITA? Or someone in the street? Would you be ok with anyone doing this to your kids or do you think parents get a special pass?

I'm honestly shocked by how low some people's standards are. This man attacked his own son, who subsequently fled the house looking terrified. How can you be ok with that?

trashaccount · 27/10/2020 14:45

Why are PPs condoning abuse?

If he had pinned his daughter to the floor, shouted at her and threatened to smack her which made her immediately run out of the house in fear this would not be the general consensus.

user147425843578 · 27/10/2020 14:45

I love DS dearly but he can be obnoxious and arrogant

So it's ok for your husband to abuse and assault him then? How do you think you would start behaving if you were a child growing up in a home being abused and attacked by your parent? Might you not become resentful and start arguing your corner each time you were picked at?

Your husband is a child abuser.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 27/10/2020 14:45

It would be interesting to see how your partner reacts to you suggesting family counselling. If he was "very sorry" after the incident but then refuses to go to family counselling/makes excuses then that suggests hes not actually that sorry and you have a much bigger problem on your hands...

iklboo · 27/10/2020 14:46

My initial thoughts were feck no, but tbh...it sounds like the kid needed to be challenged. I think sometimes young lads need to be put in place by their fathers (especially if they think it's ok to give snash to their mothers). He was getting too big for his boots and there were consequences.

What the fuck?