Husband attacked teenage son

[Throwawaynameforthis]

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

Sounds like your son needs some discipline and to learn respect!

You need to leave your husband to protect yourself and children

@Throwawaynameforthis I recognise a lot of what you say. My DSs love throwing words such as “ boomer” and “Karen” around. And challenge me and DH. I do think half the time they are looking for a reaction to help them to calibrate their own views and values.

I've just seen your husband has never hit your DC before. Yeah I wouldn't be throwing him out. Your DS sounds like a bit of a tool (as many are prone to being at this age) I'm leaning towards your husband. Probably no harm to give him a bit of a fright. He might cop on a bit.

For a parent to want to hit their teen it must be a deep and built up issue

^ this made me surely most parents feel this at some stage?!

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet

I find that once he gets going, he isn't really arguing, he is trying to prove the other person wrong. He hears nothing except his own rightness

This is exactly him!

Wasn't the point of Op's husband pinning his son down to give him a smack, or was it an empty threat to try to show how wrong it is to lie about being smacked?

But then why pin him down at all?

But the lies that your son is telling-isn't he too old for such obvious lies?

Reminds me of my toddler daughter blaming her brother-who wasn't there!

OP, I think you handled the situation really well. It sounds like it was an exceptional loss of control from your DH and it made your DS retreat and reflect. The fact that there is open communication between them again shows that they still have a good relationship. You showed support and love for your son so he knows that this is unconditional.

I have been in the exact same situation with you. It was awful to witness and had to be handled sensitively afterwards. My son was being an absolute bellend throwing chocolate cookies around in a strop.

Sometimes they need to know who is in charge and that their behaviour is unacceptable. Your son would likely get a lot worse treatment for the same behaviour if he tried to behave like this outside of the family. He now knows it is unacceptable inside the family too.

I would imagine that your DH may benefit from some help in understanding your son's teenage grottiness and how he can de-escalate things from developing again to this flashpoint.

@Northernparent68

Perhaps your son has leant not to push boundaries, if he’s recovered from this so can you

really??

*I find that once he gets going, he isn't really arguing, he is trying to prove the other person wrong. He hears nothing except his own rightness

This is exactly him!*

I have a sister like this - it was absolutely infuriating dealing with her growing up! She was an absolute horror as a child/teen, she admits it now as an adult but still slips into dickhead mode on occasion.

Apparently when she was around 15 my mum pinned her down and screamed into her face. I was at university at the time but she told me a few years later and really harboured resentment over it, still does probably. Honestly - she deserved it! My mother never laid a hand on any of us before or after this incident and was the most gentle, caring mother you could imagine. She was going through a very tough time in her personal life with bereavement and illness and she must have just cracked after 15 years of my sister "testing the boundaries". We're human. Push anyone enough and they will eventually react even if it's completely out of character. If someone provoked me enough I would probably lash out in anger too even though I'm generally very even-tempered.

poor behaviour on everyones part. Teenagers and children should not be allowed to get away with appallingly rude behaviour. You do the wrong thing to walk away and let them feel its acceptable. They get sent to their room, tech removed, and so on. Not tackling rude behaviour just allows it to escalate.

H is wrong to use physical force against anyone, including their child, but I can see where frustration can build up. It was not right but maybe DS will think twice about what comes out of his mouth.

DS was wrong. and you know it.

I have little time for parents who allow their children to walk all over them, and equally little time for children who have no respect.

My mum never left and allowed us to be subjected to this, which escalated further to a very very bad point. I now don't speak to my mum. I'll never forgive her for not leaving

I feel for you. It's like watching two male lions circling eachother in our house sometimes. I personally agree with the posters who think you can come back from this. So much of what you've described is part and parcel of being a teenager and they need to know that, in no uncertain terms, such disrespectful behaviour will not be tolerated. If your ds has moved on, you can too.
I have just read a brilliant book called Why Your Parents Are Driving You Up the Wall and What To Do About It: THE BOOK EVERY TEENAGER NEEDS TO READ by Dean Burnett. I heartily recommend it for all parents with teenagers and all teenagers. Uniquely, it explains to them why they find us so annoying and is incredibly insightful.

It's completely unacceptable to accuse you of smacking him when you didn't. It is lying. Also, your example of him saying "I've already done it twice today" is not hyperbole or being 'absurd', it is lying. I get that teens can use hyperbole and can exaggerate, but lying shouldn't be excused as 'just not telling the truth'.

Your DH was wrong to get physical with your DS. Completely. It sounds to me that this was a 'straw that broke the camel's back' and if the other things that have built up to this had been dealt with, it may never have happened.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

DS is not so D! He might not want to do family counselling but he needs to. He might not think it's an issue but he's not in charge. He needs to learn his boundaries within the household. How do most parents deal when sons start trying to rule the roost?

He accused you of smacking him. What consequences were there for this?

Your husband needs help with his anger. He lost his temper. He needs to learn how to deal with teenage behaviour better.

I agree

Without wanting to re-hash what has been said already as there's a lot of points that the OP has noted anyone who's mentioned "teaching DS a lesson" needs to give their head a wobble.

How has it got to the point that your son thinks it’s ok to be so disrespectful to his parents?

My normally very placed ds1 had an awful 6 months of bad behaviour at home just rudeness and lack of respect from about 14 to 14.5 and he pushed the boundaries
My dh had to pin him down once as he was trying to hit out ( ds that is ) I didn't think that made him an abuser as he restrained him but different scenario though maybe .
We had some huge rows as ds really pushed it and xbox made a few visits to work with me over those few months.
Dh found it a lot harder not to argue back than i did but even i had the odd time where i found myself arguing and having a screaming match with him.
Luckily that stage didn't last long and he's now a mostly pleasant 17
Year old who i think looking back is even shocked by his own behaviour.
There were always consequences for his behaviour though and we spoke through what happened when he was calm , he had a really hard time controlling his emotions.
Ds 2 now 15 and he is turning into the stroppy one but no where near does he try and push us like ds1 did , we have the odd slammed door and muttering but thats about it at moment .

My mum once chased me up the stairs with a slipper, kicked in my door when I locked it, then we wrestle/fought on the bed. Not ideal but it isnt even remotely a factor in our relationship now, just a teen argument which got out of hand. I guess it depends what your OH is like otherwise.

I thought 14yos were MEANT to be obnoxious and argumentative at home; when else can they be? They then learn (gradually) why they shouldn't be like that and how ridiculous they are. Then they grow out of it.

Your H needs to change his attitude completely. He has to understand that this is normal from that age children and there are ways of dealing with it which are not aggressive and violent. So far your what he's done is to teach his ds how to subdue someone he doesn't agree with.

@Lougle

Also, your example of him saying "I've already done it twice today" is not hyperbole or being 'absurd', it is lying. I get that teens can use hyperbole and can exaggerate, but lying shouldn't be excused as 'just not telling the truth

I didn’t make myself clear - My comments re hyperbole were relating to his saying things like “I’m the only one who does anything in this house”. Hi then bites and argues about who dies what.

My approach is to tell him he’s being ridiculous, and get him to do whatever he’s been asked to do.

@Ashard20 thank you - I’ve just ordered that book.

Your husband has assaulted one of your children. You need to act now to protect your children from any further abuse. Nothing ever excuses physical violence against a child. Irrespective of what your son was doing he should never be put in a position where he is abused or assaulted. You say this has been escalating for months...you know what you have to do. Put a stop to this now.

Your son behaved like a little twat and your husband lost his shit. People can’t make false accusations about other people, your son needs to learn this. Do you back your husband up or do you pander to the little prince? From the posts that you have put your husband is not normally violent which suggests that perhaps he is fed up and I wonder if you undermine him? I say that because if this scenario happened in my house, I wouldn’t be posting for advice, I’d be giving them both a dressing down for a) being rude and b) being violent.

Oh and if he is anything like my 14 year old he is huge and could probably land A good one so for all those imagining a tiny child perhaps that isn’t quite the case.

That was Saturday. Has your DS been mouthy this week?