Co-habiting but not married - finances

[flowersrain]

Just wondering people's thoughts on this.

My boyfriend and I don't yet live together but I'm wondering how it would be fair to split finances when we do. Eventually I will probably rent out my house (I have a very small mortgage) and move in with him as his house is bigger. Neither of us has children.

He is a very high earner - works in private equity - but has more expenses than me: a bigger mortgage etc. I am a pretty low earner and only earn around £26k. If I were to move in with him would it be fair to split bills 50-50? I see differing views about this. If we were married with children I think I would expect it to be more proportionate to our earnings but in this case would 50-50 still be fair? Even though I am a relatively low earner I don't think splitting the bills in this way would be unfair/leave me destitute? Or am I being a doormat?

At the moment he will occasionally treat me to lunch or dinner out (usually when he's in my bad books haha) but if we go for drinks or whatever we take it in turns to pay. We don't keep a tally of what we spend/whose turn it is to pay when we're out and about or if we're on holiday but it generally evens out eg I buy train tickets, he pays for lunch so it's pretty equal.

Thoughts?

Any thoughts?

@RantyAnty

I'm still curious who brought up living together?

Living together without being married does nothing to build a life together.
Some women think that by moving in, that is leading towards marriage but often it does the exact opposite.

If you want marriage and children, tell him you'll be happy to live together after you're married.

i agree. but if you were my daughter, i would be a bit concerned. he sounds mean to me. i earned more than my darling partner. i mostly paid for everything. i took the initiative to do so. though he would offer, and sometimes get in first to do so. that's seemed natural, it's what i wanted to do. it's how i am. OP, close your eyes. now imagine you earned 100K and your boyfriend earned 26K. would you be looking to him for train tickets, refreshments etc, on a day out. i wouldn't. good luck.

@alexdgr8 I don't have a problem with paying for those things - I can afford them and I think it is important to pay my way. I don't expect him to bank roll me - he works incredibly hard for his money and I don't think he should feel like he has to subsidise me at this relatively early stage in our relationship.

@alexdgr8 he may not be especially generous with his money but he is generous in other ways - with his time, affection and practical skills. I wouldn't actually like it if he paid for everything all the time.

[quote billy1966]@Graphista
👏

I am truly in awe of posters like you that are so full of enormous generosity to post in such detail an impart such wisdom.

[/quote]
ditto.
very moving, and thought-provoking. thank you.
you put it so much better than i could, the concerns many of us have for OP.

Good relationships are based in trust and open, honest communication -about everything. So yes, talk to him and work it through together. Before you do that get clear in your own mind any 'showstoppers' for you. Eg joint account or not, keeping your existing flat or not. Be honest about these. Be honest about the need (if you have it) for a separate 'safety net' personal savings account - prudent financial management that he would respect given his sensible nature I'm sure. 2 examples to help you:

Me and DH have very different earning levels and always have had (about the same ratio as you two are). From day 1 we pooled everything and shared everything. But we have very high levels of trust and high confidence that we'd stay together (21 years and still going strong). Pooling our resources has made life so easy and I think it's reinforced and strengthened our relationship -we have totally equality and equal control. We debate the big things, and always plan for and consult on major purchases like cars, holidays and the like. It's not for everyone but it does make money much less of an issue. We live together, made babies together, eat together, socialise together so why wouldn't we put our money together?

I remember distinctly a couple I once knew who had very different incomes and they constantly moved money between each other to make sure they paid equal shares for everything, whilst keeping separate accounts. They got married, and he couldn't 'afford' the honeymoon but she breezily told me 'not to worry I lent him the money and he will pay it back over the next couple of years'. So they started married life with him in finances debt to his new wife. The most unromantic thing I've ever heard. But I guess it works for some people.

These are 2 very different examples at each end of the spectrum and It's up to you to find where you want to sit on this scale - together. Talk to him.

@lightlypoached

Good relationships are based in trust and open, honest communication -about everything. So yes, talk to him and work it through together. Before you do that get clear in your own mind any 'showstoppers' for you. Eg joint account or not, keeping your existing flat or not. Be honest about these. Be honest about the need (if you have it) for a separate 'safety net' personal savings account - prudent financial management that he would respect given his sensible nature I'm sure. 2 examples to help you:

Me and DH have very different earning levels and always have had (about the same ratio as you two are). From day 1 we pooled everything and shared everything. But we have very high levels of trust and high confidence that we'd stay together (21 years and still going strong). Pooling our resources has made life so easy and I think it's reinforced and strengthened our relationship -we have totally equality and equal control. We debate the big things, and always plan for and consult on major purchases like cars, holidays and the like. It's not for everyone but it does make money much less of an issue. We live together, made babies together, eat together, socialise together so why wouldn't we put our money together?

I remember distinctly a couple I once knew who had very different incomes and they constantly moved money between each other to make sure they paid equal shares for everything, whilst keeping separate accounts. They got married, and he couldn't 'afford' the honeymoon but she breezily told me 'not to worry I lent him the money and he will pay it back over the next couple of years'. So they started married life with him in finances debt to his new wife. The most unromantic thing I've ever heard. But I guess it works for some people.

These are 2 very different examples at each end of the spectrum and It's up to you to find where you want to sit on this scale - together. Talk to him.

Thank you. This thread has certainly been helpful in helping me to consider what I would/wouldn't accept. The story about the couple you know sounds like madness to me, that poor guy!

Exactly!

I worked hard and earned all the money I used to buy my house long before I met dp.

I will not be leaving the house to him. My will has been drawn up so it goes to my dcs.

I have always been realistic with them about potentially needing it for my care costs or a pension but whatever is left goes to them! Dp knows this too.

I can understand why people who build a life together split assets. But I do think meeting people in later life, once you've had kids, is a totally different thing. There are always loads of threads on here from very unhappy adult dc who have been cut out of wills by step parents!

The key here is communication. As someone said down thread, I imagine he does have a will. A lot of people find this v uncomfortable to talk about. I don't think he is necessarily being uncaring. He may have been burned by his first divorce and want to protect his assets for his dcs but he needs to tell you that!

I think an 18 month relationship is still fairly new but it's worrying that you haven't felt comfortable discussing finances with him. It's such an important part of life.

My partner and I are unmarried with no children. We have a mortgage together on our house. We have our own bank accounts which we are paid into, we then retain £100 each of pocket money for ourselves and transfer the rest into our joint account for joint spending and saving. I earn more than him (he is training so earns a bit more than half of what you do but tax free) which means I contribute more, but I think it’s a fair outcome.

I had a conversation with him this weekend and, whilst we haven't worked out exactly how we will split finances in the future, I have an understanding of why he is so frugal on a daily basis and that has been helpful.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.