Co-habiting but not married - finances

[flowersrain]

Just wondering people's thoughts on this.

My boyfriend and I don't yet live together but I'm wondering how it would be fair to split finances when we do. Eventually I will probably rent out my house (I have a very small mortgage) and move in with him as his house is bigger. Neither of us has children.

He is a very high earner - works in private equity - but has more expenses than me: a bigger mortgage etc. I am a pretty low earner and only earn around £26k. If I were to move in with him would it be fair to split bills 50-50? I see differing views about this. If we were married with children I think I would expect it to be more proportionate to our earnings but in this case would 50-50 still be fair? Even though I am a relatively low earner I don't think splitting the bills in this way would be unfair/leave me destitute? Or am I being a doormat?

At the moment he will occasionally treat me to lunch or dinner out (usually when he's in my bad books haha) but if we go for drinks or whatever we take it in turns to pay. We don't keep a tally of what we spend/whose turn it is to pay when we're out and about or if we're on holiday but it generally evens out eg I buy train tickets, he pays for lunch so it's pretty equal.

Thoughts?

Any thoughts?

I would definitely draw up a legal agreement to keep you both safe. There are so many piss takers out there. It shouldn't be 50/50, it should be proportionate to your wages.

@SBTLove

There’s being careful and there’s being miserable, he earns well but has little cash flow so is likely saving it all, yes it’s good to have savings but not to the point that you are living a mean little life. Life with a tight fist is miserable. If you had kids, got married he’s likely be asking for you to account for every penny.

Agree

@ulanbatorismynextstop

I would definitely draw up a legal agreement to keep you both safe. There are so many piss takers out there. It shouldn't be 50/50, it should be proportionate to your wages.

But if I’m just paying 50% of bills surely it would be similar or less than what I pay now? I wouldn’t be out of pocket

sorry have you name changed? your not green if that makes sense

It concerns me that you aren't close enough to your bf to have been able to talk freely and openly with him about your worries. Also after 18 months- do you love him? Does he love you? What has prevented you from getting married and starting a family already? Your relationship seems quite cool rather than close and loving. It is weird to me that the only time he treats you is when he is in your bad books. Is he at all like your father? I don't know why you want to move in with someone who is tight with money and where the lack of parity in your earnings will make you feel insecure and unsafe. I'm getting strong feelings that you don't feel particularly safe happy and certain in this relationship. Its by no means an easy thing to rent your own home out- that isn't certain and will bring its own stresses. Think carefully before trying your finances and happiness up in this relationship. I would not move in with someone, I would marry them.

To me it seemed accusatory and dismissive

I think that is projection. Why would I care what you earn? My point was you don't seem comfortable with it.

I do think it would be prudent to address your own feelings around it as the imbalance in your earnings may exacerbate your feelings.

If you're going to be living together, sharing your lives full-time and all that entails, this conversation about money and splitting of finances etc, shouldn't be difficult. He might already have ideas on how to manage it - but you don't know because you haven't spoken to him.

Just have a conversation and see how it goes

Op, I think you are getting a hard time on here and so is you bf.

Just because he is a high earner doesn't mean he should spend like a high earner. I new a heat teacher who was married to someone earning not that much more than nmw so she earned probably double his wage, but she spent as if she still earned a teacher salary and saved the rest. Her theory was she didn't want to not be able to afford their day to day life if she lost her job.

There are two ways of looking at this. If you were sharing all expenses including mortgage then proportional to wages is fair. As you won't be paying mortgage (and that needed to include buildings insurance, home improvements etc) then 50% of other bills doesn't seem to unfair.

Its all about lifestyle, if your bf was living the high flying life while you can't afford a new bra then things aren't fair and need splitting but if you are both enjoying life then its working.

Its perfectly sensible to talk these things through before hand but also talk about changing things if marriage and children come along. Also, of course living together is different than only seeing each other half the week! And its very sensible to try this before marriage.

@flowersrain

Just wondering people's thoughts on this.

My boyfriend and I don't yet live together but I'm wondering how it would be fair to split finances when we do. Eventually I will probably rent out my house (I have a very small mortgage) and move in with him as his house is bigger. Neither of us has children.

He is a very high earner - works in private equity - but has more expenses than me: a bigger mortgage etc. I am a pretty low earner and only earn around £26k. If I were to move in with him would it be fair to split bills 50-50? I see differing views about this. If we were married with children I think I would expect it to be more proportionate to our earnings but in this case would 50-50 still be fair? Even though I am a relatively low earner I don't think splitting the bills in this way would be unfair/leave me destitute? Or am I being a doormat?

At the moment he will occasionally treat me to lunch or dinner out (usually when he's in my bad books haha) but if we go for drinks or whatever we take it in turns to pay. We don't keep a tally of what we spend/whose turn it is to pay when we're out and about or if we're on holiday but it generally evens out eg I buy train tickets, he pays for lunch so it's pretty equal.

Thoughts?

Any thoughts?

If you rent your house are you likely to break even? Assuming you do I would say 50/50 bills and maybe offer to pay a small amoumt of rent (to reflect you have your own mortgage and costs). Should still leave you in a pretty decent position. Obviously the more serious you become, say a year down the line, revisit as your finances should come together more. Do you expect to have kids etc?

Pay him what you’re paying now for your mortgage as rent and split all bills equally. Two people using the utilities so 50/50 here and I doubt you need a legal agreement.

At the moment he will occasionally treat me to lunch or dinner out (usually when he's in my bad books haha)

Ok this would turn me off straight away.
Be REALLY honest with yourself. Is he tight? People that are miserly with money are also usually miserly with their affections and in bed.
Is he open, loving, kind, generous (not just with money)? Does he make you laugh? Are you able to be yourself with him? Is he fun?

Hey OP. I think you’re getting a pretty hard time here, and I think suggestions of ‘why would you even live with someone before marriage anyway’ really weird, and can only imagine those posters are at least 80. Of COURSE living together gives you greater insight into whether a life together is something you want and that will work than just spending half the week at each other’s houses, very odd to suggest otherwise. The fact you have your own house you can keep and rent out also puts you in a FAR better position than the average woman considering moving in with her boyfriend.

My now DH and I moved in together in our mid 20s (though are now the same age as you) and also started on fairly unequal footing for similar reasons to what you’ve mentioned. I was actually at uni then after being ill my whole teens/early 20s and he was working full time. From the start we split everything proportionality into a shared joint account. We had a spreadsheet for all the bills including things like food and travel not just utilties, and split it all according to how much we each brought in each month. So at points it’s been split more like 20/80, at others 50/50 as after I left Uni we evened out for a while, before moving to just one account it all went in and out of just before we got engaged.

This was facilitated by a short period of illness/stress for me where I didn’t work for a couple of months. We were a team by that point and I didn’t want to be in the position of having to ask him for money. We were also planning for marriage and children, and having been on this site since uni I knew I was not prepared to be on maternity leave and have no access to funds! We share everything and now he earns double what I do (and I spend double what he does) were expecting our first child and I’m going part time, his career is on the up so I expect the next few years our ratios of income will vary even more wildly again. But we’ve built a trust and a team approach to finances that means that doesn’t worry me. That’s what you want to be aiming for.

The questions to be asking

• How would we split bills living together so that it would be fair in considering of our very different incomes?
• How much do we each bring in each month and what outgoings would we need to cover individually as well as together?
• What should we include in shared costs - groceries? Transport? Car payments?
• How do we think these things should be split if we marry and have children compared to now? (Getting a sense of how he sees you partnering financially longer term would be a big thing to get on the table, especially as you know he likes to be careful)
• you both own properties - you don’t want to be paying each other mortgages now, so don’t share that cost. But what would you do about the properties if you married?

Probably more things too but it’s early! I think you’re approaching this the right way, but definitely be aware and really listen to his answers. I wouldn’t go any further with a man who’d expect everything to be automatically always 50/50, even after marriage and children. Read enough posts here about women struggling while their husbands don’t and you’ll see why.

A long time ago when we first started dating my now husband earned about 5 times what I made, he is older than me & had a really well paid job. When I moved in I paid for more of the food shopping and cheaper meals out.

His career took off and he ended up earning crazy money, there’s no way I could ever have contributed 50/50 to our lifestyle without him not being able to enjoy what he earned. Does he ever buy you something randomly when you’re out together? I remember being bought beautiful handbags or coats which I never could have afforded on my own.

In our case dp is paying the mortgage and we split the bills. He buys big ticket stuff like furniture though I'm contributing plenty of stuff from my old house (divorce sale) where appropriate. I do get spousal maintenance so it works out. Generally he pays for dinner out but I'll pay for the bus on my phone app

I think he sounds a bit old fashioned with the “men should look after their family” stuff. Would he expect to be “head of the family”too?

I think how he would see your respective roles is important.

Is he often in your bad books and why, as regards the treating you then comment?

I think you’re really sensible to think about all this now.

Your comment about the way your mum was not involved in financial information for herself and her family at all - and was 'terrible' - is slightly concerning. Yes, you had a privileged life in some ways growing up, but was this at the expense of your mother's financial autonomy? How would you feel if your DP in the future decided he would unilaterally make these decisions for your children and you were powerless to make any decisions about spending AT ALL?

DH and I have been together thirty years and lived together first for ten. He has always outearned me, now sevenfold. From the off we paid the same proportion of our relative salaries into a joint account for bills and the rest was for us to spend or save as we wish. It's worked very well.
If thinking of DC you need to discuss future childcare expectations and pensions too. It's usually the woman's that takes the hit. As the 'provider' how exactly does he think your roles will pan out.
With my nurses hat on I would also gently say that women with a history of an eating disorder often have greater difficulties conceiving, so certainly don't rush into any decision but it's something to be aware of. I would absolutely live together first too.
Good luck.

OP, if I were in your shoes I would volunteer to cover 50% of food and utility bills. Keep everything else separate.
If you do get married please get yourself a proper lawyer and discuss the arrangements beforehand. You need to understand what will happen with properties, deeds, mortgages etc

Can you look at it the other way round? If/when you move in together, split things so you have as much disposable income after your contribution as you do now.

I feel slightly queasy about the ‘man as provider’ stance he has. Do you see each other as equals?

"Would we need a legal agreement just as boyfriend and girlfriend? It seems a bit extreme?"

No it is not and I would seriously consider having a cohabitation agreement drawn up if you were to move in with him. You need to think about this a lot more, certainly more than you already have.

Apart from finances, household chores can often be a source of contention too. Have you discussed this?.

DP and I have lived together for 5 years and have always split things 50/50 as that’s just what felt right for us. I still have my own bank accounts too as personally would never want to give up having my own money. For the majority of our relationship I have been the higher earner, now he’s just got a lovely new job and he will be the higher earner now.

We split all the food, mortgage, bills equally and did this when we were renting too. Also I would definitely recommend living together before getting married, you need to find out what someone is like to live with before you commit to spend the rest of your life with them surely?

Don’t be embarrassed about your earnings OP, it sounds like you are doing really well to me! Especially after all you have been through and also being able to own your own place too 😊

I would talk to him about all of this before you move in together and work out what works for you. Good luck!

@RantyAnty

I'm still curious who brought up living together?

Living together without being married does nothing to build a life together.
Some women think that by moving in, that is leading towards marriage but often it does the exact opposite.

If you want marriage and children, tell him you'll be happy to live together after you're married.

I completely disagree with this.

The best time to move in with someone is when you’re in a position to walk straight back out again. If you have no legal, financial, or property ties to a man, there’s nothing to stop you packing your bags and going.

Never marry someone until you have a really good understanding of who they are and how they live.

You could be madly in love and ready for wedding bells and babies and then you realise he keeps his cut toenails in a match carton (actually happened a friend of mine!) and all feels you’ve had for them disappears in an instant.
So much easier to do when you have your own money and house, and don’t have to consider impact on children.

I think nobody should get married until they’ve seen the other person at their very worst in their own house- manflu etc.

And I do think 50/50 is fair. You will be using 50% of the utilities and groceries and services so paying less would mean he’s subsidising you.
Yes, those bills may be cheaper if you were living in a smaller house, but you’ll be benefitting from living in a larger house rent/mortgage-free while making a profit from your own home.

I think you’re actually getting a really good deal here.

I’d work out what you can reasonably afford to contribute. I wouldn’t be paying for a mortgage I’m not on but other bills should be split accordingly. I earn less than my boyfriend so he pays 2/3rds of the bills and I pay the rest. However if I earn more or the same as him it would be 50/50x we have a joint account for bills but our money is separate. Household items are 50/50 unless I don’t have the money etc and my partner will pay for it or more. Like we need new light fittings, planning to buy a one or two a month. I can’t afford it this side of Christmas but he can so is buying 2 this pay day.

You are pretty dismissive of your mother. Why is that? I wonder what say she had in the family finances.

OP,

Your view of your mother is interesting.

Your father was tight, controlled everything, dominated your mother and kept her in the dark.

Do you think it is a healthy dynamic not to know what your husband earns.

Your poor mother.

Would you like her life.

Loads of threads on here from women being kept in abject poverty by mean and financially controlling men.

Having to pay bills and contribute 50% of everything while on Mat leave.

I have an extremely financially astute husband who manages to be neither mean nor cheap in our life together.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

In other words you can be very wise with your income but not cheap.

Saving money is a good habit IMO but not if it is more important than living a balanced life.

Women are inevitably the loosers in relationships like yours if you end up having children with a mean, money obsessed man.

Would you have liked to be married to your father?

A little compassion for your mother wouldn't go amiss.

Good luck