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Original poster

Co-habiting but not married - finances

186 replies

flowersrain · 24/10/2020 01:37

Just wondering people's thoughts on this.

My boyfriend and I don't yet live together but I'm wondering how it would be fair to split finances when we do. Eventually I will probably rent out my house (I have a very small mortgage) and move in with him as his house is bigger. Neither of us has children.

He is a very high earner - works in private equity - but has more expenses than me: a bigger mortgage etc. I am a pretty low earner and only earn around £26k. If I were to move in with him would it be fair to split bills 50-50? I see differing views about this. If we were married with children I think I would expect it to be more proportionate to our earnings but in this case would 50-50 still be fair? Even though I am a relatively low earner I don't think splitting the bills in this way would be unfair/leave me destitute? Or am I being a doormat?

At the moment he will occasionally treat me to lunch or dinner out (usually when he's in my bad books haha) but if we go for drinks or whatever we take it in turns to pay. We don't keep a tally of what we spend/whose turn it is to pay when we're out and about or if we're on holiday but it generally evens out eg I buy train tickets, he pays for lunch so it's pretty equal.

Thoughts?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:25

@BitOfFun

Isn't this meant to be about love, and wanting that life together? Not an arrangement between flatmates?
Yes but you can't escape the practical aspects of living together.
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:27

@user1481840227

Yes rental income would more than cover the mortgage.

*Oh god I'm so confused now, do I even need to have the conversation with him then?

Obviously things would be different if/when we have children but your thoughts about 50/50 are exactly what I first thought. Then when I read other posters' opinions I felt like a bit of a doormat. Now I just don't know! @fallfallfall @RantyAnty *@SBTLove can you explain?

So your rental income would more than cover the mortgage...he would pay the full mortgage on the house you live in...so essentially you would be living rent and mortgage free............so I really don't understand why people would say you should pay less than 50% of the basic bills like gas, electric, water, internet etc.

I'm not in the UK so I don't know what they cost on average therefor those bills per month but surely your living expenses then would be extremely low?

That's what I thought! Similar to, or less than what I pay now, surely?

And yes it would obviously change if/when we have kids but I know from comments that he's made in the past that he would see himself as the provider

OP posts:
Taikoo · 24/10/2020 04:29

I wouldn't move in with him.
And I certainly wouldn't marry him.
Meanness is a disease.
He sounds very tight.

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:30

@Taikoo

I wouldn't move in with him. And I certainly wouldn't marry him. Meanness is a disease. He sounds very tight.
@Taikoo please see above. Being tight can have its advantages and actually I wouldn't want someone who was a spendthrift.
OP posts:
BitOfFun · 24/10/2020 04:30

Not to be rude, but aren't you both at the age where marriage and children are the next step? I can understand that people in their early twenties might need a trial run, but surely you are both looking to building your lives rather than just establishing a holding pattern together?

It's different again if you are both/either in a situation of already having kids, or being divorced. I can understand then that things get complicated.

user1481840227 · 24/10/2020 04:31

@Taikoo

I wouldn't move in with him. And I certainly wouldn't marry him. Meanness is a disease. He sounds very tight.
How does he sound tight?
fallfallfall · 24/10/2020 04:31

you need to sit down with each other, and discuss all aspects but,
if you live with him and pay a nominal amount it's not 50/50 because as you know there is way more to home ownership. so only paying half of the food/electric/gas probably is only a small portion of your take home.

Graphista · 24/10/2020 04:32

When he takes me out for lunch if he's in the doghouse he's trying to be nice to me, it's not buying my favour.

Except he is! To get OUT of the doghouse!

Rather smacks of the type of man who insults/cheats/does something else hurtful up to and including violence and thinks a bunch of garage flowers excuses his bad behaviour

"Isn't this meant to be about love" 🙄

That path heartbreak lies!

Yes love is important but love will soon disappear if resentment appears - for either party

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:36

@BitOfFun

Not to be rude, but aren't you both at the age where marriage and children are the next step? I can understand that people in their early twenties might need a trial run, but surely you are both looking to building your lives rather than just establishing a holding pattern together?

It's different again if you are both/either in a situation of already having kids, or being divorced. I can understand then that things get complicated.

I explained in an earlier post that we are taking things slowly. We have reasons for doing this and I am ok with that and not conforming to the societal norm of living together/getting married within x amount of time.
OP posts:
BitOfFun · 24/10/2020 04:36

I'm curious about how you see your mother's role financially in your upbringing? How did she feel about it? Did she work?

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:38

@Graphista

When he takes me out for lunch if he's in the doghouse he's trying to be nice to me, it's not buying my favour.

Except he is! To get OUT of the doghouse!

Rather smacks of the type of man who insults/cheats/does something else hurtful up to and including violence and thinks a bunch of garage flowers excuses his bad behaviour

"Isn't this meant to be about love" 🙄

That path heartbreak lies!

Yes love is important but love will soon disappear if resentment appears - for either party

Woah stop with the assumptions! He has never insulted, cheated or been violent towards me.
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:38

@fallfallfall

you need to sit down with each other, and discuss all aspects but, if you live with him and pay a nominal amount it's not 50/50 because as you know there is way more to home ownership. so only paying half of the food/electric/gas probably is only a small portion of your take home.
Can you explain what you mean by 'all aspects'?
OP posts:
BitOfFun · 24/10/2020 04:39

None of this is about trying to put you on the spot, btw. I am only putting things to you like this so you might draw out some of the implications yourself. You know your life far better than anybody here!

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:40

@BitOfFun

I'm curious about how you see your mother's role financially in your upbringing? How did she feel about it? Did she work?
Oh god my mum was terrible. She worked but had no idea about finances and no say over how they were managed. I doubt she even knew how much my dad earned. She very much submitted to him.
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 04:41

@BitOfFun

None of this is about trying to put you on the spot, btw. I am only putting things to you like this so you might draw out some of the implications yourself. You know your life far better than anybody here!
No that's ok, it's helpful. I don't want to be like her which is why I want to get this straight now.
OP posts:
headstrong27 · 24/10/2020 04:50

Without sounding rude & because you said you had all the trappings of a privileged childhood how come your job is quite low paid? Surely earning more would help you avoid being like your mother.

Personally if this was reversed & you were the higher earner I think 50/50 is fair (if you were collecting rent).

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 05:03

@headstrong27

Without sounding rude & because you said you had all the trappings of a privileged childhood how come your job is quite low paid? Surely earning more would help you avoid being like your mother.

Personally if this was reversed & you were the higher earner I think 50/50 is fair (if you were collecting rent).

If you really want to know why I earn so little despite my privileged life, I had severe anorexia from the ages of 12 - 26.

So whilst I am incredibly academically successful and have a degree from Cambridge University, I spent years in hospitals and treatment centres and am therefore way behind my peers in terms of a career and earnings.

Happy?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 24/10/2020 05:06

You aren't doing too badly, you know! Above the national average, and a long way beyond many people. You should be proud of what you've achieved.

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 05:10

@BitOfFun

You aren't doing too badly, you know! Above the national average, and a long way beyond many people. You should be proud of what you've achieved.
That's so kind, thank you - what a lovely thing to say Flowers
OP posts:
headstrong27 · 24/10/2020 05:14

I'm sorry to hear that, a relative suffered from anorexia so I know how damaging it can be. I'm not sure why that would make me happy though? Perhaps I misread but I thought you said upthread you wanted to earn more.

Original poster
flowersrain · 24/10/2020 05:38

@headstrong27

I'm sorry to hear that, a relative suffered from anorexia so I know how damaging it can be. I'm not sure why that would make me happy though? Perhaps I misread but I thought you said upthread you wanted to earn more.
Thank you. I was just asking if you were happy now you know why I don't earn more.

I didn't say that I want to earn more (although I do) but I did say that I am embarrassed about earning so little. It's hard playing catch-up.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 24/10/2020 05:48

Will your mortage lender allow you to rent your property out? Normally they won't- have you asked them what their stance is on this?

headstrong27 · 24/10/2020 06:02

@flowersrain But I don't understand why my question made you defensive?

You referred to the fact you were a "pretty low earner" twice in your OP & you also said being on a "such a low salary" made you feel "insecure" & you were looking at new jobs. To me it came across as you were not entirely happy with your salary (which is more of the issue that the actual figures) hence why I asked why you were in that position.

headstrong27 · 24/10/2020 06:05

Being embarrassed or insecure about your earnings when moving in with someone earning much more will potentially cause more issues in your relationship than if you were a lower earner but had no issues with it.

flowersrain1 · 24/10/2020 06:19

[quote headstrong27]@flowersrain But I don't understand why my question made you defensive?

You referred to the fact you were a "pretty low earner" twice in your OP & you also said being on a "such a low salary" made you feel "insecure" & you were looking at new jobs. To me it came across as you were not entirely happy with your salary (which is more of the issue that the actual figures) hence why I asked why you were in that position. [/quote]
To me it seemed accusatory and dismissive - if I could be earning more I would be. I accept that perhaps was not your intention with your comment. It’s easy to misinterpret text.

I don’t really know how not to be insecure about being so far behind really and it’s exacerbated by the fact that my boyfriend earns so much. It’s like we’re at opposite extremes.

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