Co-habiting but not married - finances

[flowersrain]

Just wondering people's thoughts on this.

My boyfriend and I don't yet live together but I'm wondering how it would be fair to split finances when we do. Eventually I will probably rent out my house (I have a very small mortgage) and move in with him as his house is bigger. Neither of us has children.

He is a very high earner - works in private equity - but has more expenses than me: a bigger mortgage etc. I am a pretty low earner and only earn around £26k. If I were to move in with him would it be fair to split bills 50-50? I see differing views about this. If we were married with children I think I would expect it to be more proportionate to our earnings but in this case would 50-50 still be fair? Even though I am a relatively low earner I don't think splitting the bills in this way would be unfair/leave me destitute? Or am I being a doormat?

At the moment he will occasionally treat me to lunch or dinner out (usually when he's in my bad books haha) but if we go for drinks or whatever we take it in turns to pay. We don't keep a tally of what we spend/whose turn it is to pay when we're out and about or if we're on holiday but it generally evens out eg I buy train tickets, he pays for lunch so it's pretty equal.

Thoughts?

Any thoughts?

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d ask him what he thinks would be fair and listen very carefully to his answer. Then I’d decide whether it would be a good idea to move in together from there. Whatever the decision, it should be one that works for both of you to the same degree. If he suggests something that benefits him far more than you or makes it clear he is only thinking of himself then rethink your decision. A future with someone who doesn’t treat you as an equal or take your needs into consideration is not a future you want.

Thank you. I am going to have the conversation when I see him on Sunday.

What about taxes and insurance. Home maintenance. There should be contributions towards this along with food.
It’s an important conversation to have but 50/50 when your incomes are not similar isn’t right.

@fallfallfall

What about taxes and insurance. Home maintenance. There should be contributions towards this along with food. It’s an important conversation to have but 50/50 when your incomes are not similar isn’t right.

Yes I think I am coming round to this way of thinking actually. Thank you.

Any ideas how to bring this up tactfully? We have never really discussed anything like this before. I'm thinking of just being honest and explaining that I am becoming more aware of the disparity in our salaries since I've been looking for new jobs and that it has got me a bit concerned as to how we will manage finances when we eventually move in together. Does that sound ok?

How about “so what are your thoughts about how we manage our finances and expenses when we move in together?” Then complete silence until he answers. If he wants you to answer first, say I’m not sure what do you think?

I'm still curious who brought up living together?

Living together without being married does nothing to build a life together.
Some women think that by moving in, that is leading towards marriage but often it does the exact opposite.

If you want marriage and children, tell him you'll be happy to live together after you're married.

Me and my partner live together have my 2 youngest with me and his youngest stays a few times a week , I earn slightly more than him all household Bill's so rent council tax ,utilities and food are split straight down the middle he pays CMS for his child , I receive CMS for mine I spend this directly on they for new clothes and everything left goes into one pot for whatever we want and we usually save some as well .

I think you have no idea what someone is really like till you have lived with them! And I think it's a very sensible plan to keep your property going and move in and see how it goes.

I would have an open chat about how you both want it to work. And yes tell him you're worried about the disparity in your salaries.

Fwiw I outearn my dp by some degree and it's never been an issue. I pay for most things but I have more disposable income - it's just one of those things.

I wouldn't expect you to contribute equally, that would be ludicrous given the disparity in your salaries. If he suggests that and won't budge on it, then it would be a massive red flag!

I also think you are putting yourself down - you've also done extremely well to have your own property so you are probably more canny than you realise!

Goggle Living Together Agreement / Cohabitation Agreement. You can get a solicitor to do one for you for probably around £400+VAT (or they used to be not sure now). Or you can buy a template and do it yourself. I'd say to him it is for both of your protection (it is). If he is tight he'd probably go for it.

I would suggest you need too discuss finances before moving in. Will your property generate much rental income? What happens if it isn't let out and you have no income or the tenants don't pay, could you afford to pay for both properties?

@Rainbowqueeen

How about “so what are your thoughts about how we manage our finances and expenses when we move in together?” Then complete silence until he answers. If he wants you to answer first, say I’m not sure what do you think?

That's a good idea actually, wait for his answer before telling him my thoughts. I was going to tell him what I would want first but you're right, it will be interesting to hear his answer without my input first.

@RantyAnty

I'm still curious who brought up living together?

Living together without being married does nothing to build a life together.
Some women think that by moving in, that is leading towards marriage but often it does the exact opposite.

If you want marriage and children, tell him you'll be happy to live together after you're married.

I brought up living together. Surely we need to know we can live together before we commit to marriage and children?

You sound very sensible and having a conversation with him about future finances is the way to go. Ignore the party poopers who say he's a cheapskate cos some on here just get a kick out of running careful blokes down. I'm sure you'll sort something out between you that suits you both.

@SippeeTippee

Goggle Living Together Agreement / Cohabitation Agreement. You can get a solicitor to do one for you for probably around £400+VAT (or they used to be not sure now). Or you can buy a template and do it yourself. I'd say to him it is for both of your protection (it is). If he is tight he'd probably go for it.

I would suggest you need too discuss finances before moving in. Will your property generate much rental income? What happens if it isn't let out and you have no income or the tenants don't pay, could you afford to pay for both properties?

This is very helpful, thank you! I wouldn't have a problem letting out my house - I live in a very desirable area where house prices are high and properties are always in demand. I don't know about being able to afford both as I don't know the figures involved but it is something to consider, thank you.

Surely we need to know we can live together before we commit to marriage and children?

If you organically spend half the week together and enjoy it, what more will a financially complex full-time situation add to your insight?

@lifestooshort123

You sound very sensible and having a conversation with him about future finances is the way to go. Ignore the party poopers who say he's a cheapskate cos some on here just get a kick out of running careful blokes down. I'm sure you'll sort something out between you that suits you both.

Thank you! I really appreciate this understanding comment.

I don't see the problem with 50/50 for bills when you're not contributing to his mortgage? You mentioned gas, water, electric, internet...surely you're already paying those things for your own house, wouldn't a 50/50 split in your partners house come to less than you're already paying?

You said that you still have to pay your own mortgage but you had said in the OP that you will eventually probably rent that out.

@HappyThursdays

I think you have no idea what someone is really like till you have lived with them! And I think it's a very sensible plan to keep your property going and move in and see how it goes.

I would have an open chat about how you both want it to work. And yes tell him you're worried about the disparity in your salaries.

Fwiw I outearn my dp by some degree and it's never been an issue. I pay for most things but I have more disposable income - it's just one of those things.

I wouldn't expect you to contribute equally, that would be ludicrous given the disparity in your salaries. If he suggests that and won't budge on it, then it would be a massive red flag!

I also think you are putting yourself down - you've also done extremely well to have your own property so you are probably more canny than you realise!

Thank you. I am starting to see that a 50/50 split would be a big no-no!

Sorry clicked submit too soon...so if your rental income covers your small mortgage and you're paying less than 50% of the bills in your boyfriends house your living costs should be pretty low!

@user1481840227

I don't see the problem with 50/50 for bills when you're not contributing to his mortgage? You mentioned gas, water, electric, internet...surely you're already paying those things for your own house, wouldn't a 50/50 split in your partners house come to less than you're already paying?

You said that you still have to pay your own mortgage but you had said in the OP that you will eventually probably rent that out.

That was my original thought about the bills etc but now I'm confused since other posters have said otherwise.

I will still be paying my mortgage even if/when I rent my house out.

I genuinely don't understand how other posters have come to that conclusion though as 50/50 for basic utility bills should be considered normal and fair...especially when you're not contributing to the mortgage.

It would seem like a pretty sweet deal for someone to move into their partners home and not even have to pay half for basic things like water and internet!

Won't your rental income cover the mortgage?

@user1481840227

I genuinely don't understand how other posters have come to that conclusion though as 50/50 for basic utility bills should be considered normal and fair...especially when you're not contributing to the mortgage.

It would seem like a pretty sweet deal for someone to move into their partners home and not even have to pay half for basic things like water and internet!

Won't your rental income cover the mortgage?

Yes rental income would more than cover the mortgage.

Oh god I'm so confused now, do I even need to have the conversation with him then?

Obviously things would be different if/when we have children but your thoughts about 50/50 are exactly what I first thought. Then when I read other posters' opinions I felt like a bit of a doormat. Now I just don't know! @fallfallfall @RantyAnty @SBTLove can you explain?

How long have you been with him?

To be perfectly honest he sounds tight as a ducks arse! And I don't like him trying to "buy" your good favour by only putting his hand in his pocket when he's in the dog house!

It's absolutely your business how he is with money if you're to consider a future with him!

"Sensible" is one thing, stingy and using money to deal with emotional shit is a big red flag!

He doesn't ask me to account for every penny now so why would he be like that in the future?

Because he might well consider that he's subsidising you if he's the higher earner and if he considers something you consider an essential to be a luxury you "shouldn't" be spending on

I think you're right to go slow, the Rose tinted glasses and best behaviour are JUST starting to wear off around this point, biochemically speaking.

Also

Mean with money mean with love - very often true

Isn't this meant to be about love, and wanting that life together? Not an arrangement between flatmates?

Yes rental income would more than cover the mortgage.

*Oh god I'm so confused now, do I even need to have the conversation with him then?

Obviously things would be different if/when we have children but your thoughts about 50/50 are exactly what I first thought. Then when I read other posters' opinions I felt like a bit of a doormat. Now I just don't know! @fallfallfall @RantyAnty @SBTLove can you explain?*

So your rental income would more than cover the mortgage...he would pay the full mortgage on the house you live in...so essentially you would be living rent and mortgage free............so I really don't understand why people would say you should pay less than 50% of the basic bills like gas, electric, water, internet etc.

I'm not in the UK so I don't know what they cost on average therefor those bills per month but surely your living expenses then would be extremely low?

@Graphista

How long have you been with him?

To be perfectly honest he sounds tight as a ducks arse! And I don't like him trying to "buy" your good favour by only putting his hand in his pocket when he's in the dog house!

It's absolutely your business how he is with money if you're to consider a future with him!

"Sensible" is one thing, stingy and using money to deal with emotional shit is a big red flag!

He doesn't ask me to account for every penny now so why would he be like that in the future?

Because he might well consider that he's subsidising you if he's the higher earner and if he considers something you consider an essential to be a luxury you "shouldn't" be spending on

I think you're right to go slow, the Rose tinted glasses and best behaviour are JUST starting to wear off around this point, biochemically speaking.

Also

Mean with money mean with love - very often true

We've been together 18 months. When he takes me out for lunch if he's in the doghouse he's trying to be nice to me, it's not buying my favour.

My dad was tighter than a duck's arse - much worse than my bf - but it meant that we had a lovely big house with a massive garden for my brother and I to play in as kids, we both went to private schools, dad paid for uni, helped us to buy properties etc. There's no way we'd have had all that if he hadn't been so careful/stingy.