Page 8 | Husband in a huff

cheesersqueezer · 2020-10-22T18:40:58+00:00

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs. I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day. I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it. Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

Aminuts23 · 27/10/2020 19:31

OP my parents communicated like this. Just blanking each other. It used to go on for weeks and I would be on eggshells all the time as a child. If I was in trouble as a kid I always did generally know why but I’d be ignored for days/weeks at a time. My DM was worse than my DF for that.
It was incredibly damaging. As an adult I have no skills in personal conflict resolution. I’m awful. I sulk and take myself off alone. I’ve been in a long term relationship which was bad as he was very odd and emotionally abusive. But I don’t think my behaviour was right either. I’ve been on my own for years now and it’ll stay that way.
This behaviour is no good for your DC at all. He knows. It’s awful. As an adult if I ever felt a family member was annoyed with me or a DP I am crippled with anxiety and sickness. I’m 45 now and it still affects me badly. If I think my DF is pissed off with me I won’t sleep for days. Please sort this out for your child. It’s a very unhealthy situation

RandomMess · 27/10/2020 19:32

Is "not being heard" you not capitulating to his demands/wants that you should have telepathically known?

Eckhart · 27/10/2020 19:38

Tell him that his behaviour is immature and boring and that he can piss off til he stops acting like a stroppy teenager

This sounds a bit like how a stroppy teenager would deal with it.

nowishtofly · 27/10/2020 19:40

@Eckhart

Does he have a point about not being heard? Has he told you what it was he was trying to say that you didn't listen to/acknowledge?

I've been in a relationship where I didn't feel heard. Every time I tried to start a conversation about it, I was met with 'not now'. If I said 'When, then?', the answer was still 'Not now.' If he's feeling like I did, I can understand him feeling massively frustrated, and like there's no point in talking.

But really, up until now, you've been the one trying to talk, and he's been the silent one, right? If he feels he's not being heard, then surely your efforts to converse would have been exactly what he would respond to?

Also, 'not being heard' doesn't mean 'cutting payments to the account without explanation'.

I'd give him the floor. Tell him that when he's ready to say all the things he wants to say, you want to hear. Tel him to explain exactly what's led to him behaving the way he has. See if there's actually anything of value. TBH I think he's still BSing you and trying to deflect the blame.

By hearing him, you will give yourself the power of having all the information. Let him talk. You don't have to agree with him, but don't interrupt, or you'll end up with another tantrum and 3 days of silence!

I think this might be a good approach for you. Let him be heard. Let him explain his behaviour. Then your turn. Explain the impact on you. And that this time you have mirrored his behaviour rather than make peace. How you don't want to continue with this nonsense and that he will need to work on how he communicates.

MrsPerfect12 · 27/10/2020 19:42

I was your DS growing up. This is horrible to live in. This won't fix. At a very minimum go to counselling but expect him to quit when his behaviour is pulled up.

mummmy2017 · 27/10/2020 19:43

Tell him he said he would write it down, tell him actually since he feels he is not heard , you think putting what is the matter in written form is a brilliant idea.

billy1966 · 27/10/2020 20:11

@RandomMess

Is "not being heard" you not capitulating to his demands/wants that you should have telepathically known?

This.

He sounds like a right nasty piece of work.

You seem to be seeing him more clearly.

It is a toxic environment and it will be your poor son whom will bear the scars OP.

Protect your child.
Protect yourself.

Charles11 · 27/10/2020 20:58

@Eckhart

Tell him that his behaviour is immature and boring and that he can piss off til he stops acting like a stroppy teenager

This sounds a bit like how a stroppy teenager would deal with it.

Maybe. It’s just so annoying having to deal with immature behaviour like that. It takes everything you have to try to deal with it. Sometimes just telling them you know their game and that you don’t need or want to put up with it anymore helps.

OldBean2 · 27/10/2020 21:15

Hello OP, I have just read your thread and I grew up in a similar house, where the mood of my father could ruin everything. He would take to his bed and sulk (which actually was a bit of a relief as he was not in the room).

If you can, explain to him that his behaviour is not just affecting you but your son too, I doubt he would want a repeat of my childhood as I stopped talking to my father when I was 16 because of this bullying behaviour, he died three years later and I did not attend his funeral.

I am sorry he does not feel heard but in truth, most of of us don't feel heard at all times, but unfortunately the one person who is hearing him loud and clear is your son and he deserves better than this, doesn't he?

It sounds like you will have a lot to unpick with him but you have had some really great advice on here, just wish Mumsnet had been around for my mum when she went through this.

PamDemic · 27/10/2020 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 27/10/2020 21:35

It's a bit hard to be 'heard' when you don't bloody say anything!

Might be worth pointing this out to him, possibly in slightly more diplomatic language. Personally I wouldn't be putting up with him though.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 27/10/2020 22:02

Take him up in the counselling! A good one will see through his BS in 5 seconds flat. So say you agree. You don't want to discuss it away ftom the controlled environment of therapy.

And if he really feels not heard to suddenly start not paying his way isn't going to mss as he him heard it's financual abuse.

I think he's full of it personally. He's echoing a pattern and changing his excuse to suit himself. But hey, take it at face value. Let him sit in front of someone else and trot this shit out. He will look like a complete fool.

TemptingTess · 27/10/2020 22:44

Please give him lots of time and opportunities to communicate. I fear he might avoid them all.

DC3Dakota · 28/10/2020 04:30

@DeciduousPerennial

Bit difficult to be heard if he refuses to talk........ 🤔

This! 👏🏻👏🏻

Original poster

cheesersqueezer · 28/10/2020 07:10

@Eckhart

Does he have a point about not being heard? Has he told you what it was he was trying to say that you didn't listen to/acknowledge?

I've been in a relationship where I didn't feel heard. Every time I tried to start a conversation about it, I was met with 'not now'. If I said 'When, then?', the answer was still 'Not now.' If he's feeling like I did, I can understand him feeling massively frustrated, and like there's no point in talking.

But really, up until now, you've been the one trying to talk, and he's been the silent one, right? If he feels he's not being heard, then surely your efforts to converse would have been exactly what he would respond to?

Also, 'not being heard' doesn't mean 'cutting payments to the account without explanation'.

I'd give him the floor. Tell him that when he's ready to say all the things he wants to say, you want to hear. Tel him to explain exactly what's led to him behaving the way he has. See if there's actually anything of value. TBH I think he's still BSing you and trying to deflect the blame.

By hearing him, you will give yourself the power of having all the information. Let him talk. You don't have to agree with him, but don't interrupt, or you'll end up with another tantrum and 3 days of silence!

In the past, a long time ago, I have done this, said ‘not now’ to a subject he wanted to discuss. It involved spending a large sum of money, which I didn’t want to do and which scared me. I don’t do this any longer.

His recent grievance is also about something which he wants to spend a very large sum of money on. I have discussed it and spent time looking at potential purchases with him. However, I do not share his level of enthusiasm for what he himself describes as an obsession. At times, I think he equates disagreeing with him to disrespecting him.

We haven’t had a discussion since the texts but the atmosphere has softened a little. To those posters who have said ‘give him the floor’ etc, I think you are right. I will text him and suggest we make a time to discuss our next steps.

OP posts:

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 28/10/2020 08:23

Oh so this is about him getting his own way!? How very tedious. You don't want to spend a large sum of money on something he is obsessed for his hobby with so he's furious and suddenly it's his money? What a wanker.

Get him to therapy. Get this out in the open. Let him tell another person all about how he is sulking because he doesn't get his own way doesn't feel heard.

Spoilt prick.

Charles11 · 28/10/2020 08:27

You’re not being heard either.

Mix56 · 28/10/2020 08:30

In this instance, he got a lob on at work when you texted, he came home & went into "punishment mode", silent treatment.
saying he isn't heard is a complete red herring.I agree, give him the platform, ask him to spell out his grievances, what it is that isn't being heard. (IMHO, he means, "you do not agree with my choices")
Then tell him if he goes into sulking mode again, it will be the last time, because both you & your DS are on the receiving on of this abuse. & it is not an example you are prepared to inflict on DS.

Lordamighty · 28/10/2020 08:35

His massive sulk is purely about getting his own way. The person not being heard here is you.

DonLewis · 28/10/2020 09:08

Ah, so the halving of his contribution to the joint account would have paid for his larger purchase?

In a way it doesn't matter what all this is about, it's his reaction/behaviour to it that's problematic. If you have a big discussion about what this was all over, you'll get sucked into the details of the initial problem and it won't address the real problem: his sulks about not getting his own way.

I don't know if family or couple counselling is the way forward here. I suggest he need some kind of anger management, because ultimately what led to all of this is him being angry about something.

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 28/10/2020 09:13

Ah, one of those ... if he doesn't get what he wants, no matter the cost to the family, you're being unfair/not listening/selfish.

'Cost' also means other things can't be bought/done/saved for. It's not just about spending money that happens to be in the account.

good luck. Remind him he's a grown up with family responsibilities if he starts to huff again.

RandomMess · 28/10/2020 09:14

So the big huff is because you haven't capitulated with enthusiasm to his obsession that he wants to spend a notable sum of family money on.

Clear bullying, his way or the high way....

The sulking was to get you to acquiesce in such a way he could say you agreed to it and then when that didn't work he's done it anyway and made out it's your fault.

Did you not know he is god in the household...

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 28/10/2020 10:03

Essentially your choices OP are let him buy this thing and he will be happy till the next thing. Or don't and deal with massive conflict as he tries to get his own way. Which may result in one of you calling time on the whole marriage.

If you let him buy it then the conflict goes away. This is all about him calling the shots as he's the one that earns the money and if this results in him having an expensive piece of kit only he will benefit from then it's whether you are able to be ok with it and how he got it and what repercussions it has on the family.

He's dead wrong of course. But his sulking and anger could go on forever he won't give up easily. He wants to be the big man and he won't rest until he is.

But ultimately it's about he feels it's his money to spend how he wants. He puts in x amount to the pot and the rest is 'his' in his eyes. Less money in the pot means he can afford the thing.

This is a conversation you should involve someone else is. He's being a spoilt arsehole and expecting you to do what you always do and give in for the sake of the peace. But in his eyes it's not fair and you are stopping him from having fun and and he pays for everything so why shouldn't he have what he wants?

So you need a better/more full time job. To split the domestic responsibilities more fairly and to have your own money. Then you each contribute either in kind or financially along an agreed split.

So you need to sit down and draw up a list of how you both contribute. You need to write down what you bring to the party (plenty i bet) that enables him to earn more money (if he does) and have a family. All the washing and ironing and children's appts etc. Then ask if he would prefer you to work FT/more and split that down the middle. If not then how does he propose it's done? At what point does his family money end and his begin? Do you have your 'own' money? When did you last buy something you were obsessed with?

But let him speak. He will dig his own grave.

But before you speak to him there's an amazing negotiating book I read about on here called 'never split the difference' by an ex fbi hostage negotiator. It will be incredibly useful to you. I'd let him stew for a few more days first while you study it (I did it as an audible which is rare for me but was actually great)

And I never say got to couples counselling but I think you should. Someone else needs to tell him how stupid he is being,

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 28/10/2020 10:05

In the meantime if he's not contributing to the family money he needs to contribute to the family housework. He doesn't get to contribute to neither.

billy1966 · 28/10/2020 10:32

So he punishes you when he doesn't get his way.

He's not going to change.

Make your plans.

Protect your child.