Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

Utterly toxic and abusive OP on so many levels.

This is who he is.

You need to protect that child of yours.

Staying fim and resolute is the way to go.

Get organised and get out.

You poor son deserves better than the trauma of this childhood.

All he has is you to prevent this from being the story of his entire childhood.

Life is too short.

I meant my last comment in a life is too short to waste on this prick x

If he's talking normally, can you have a calm conversation with him about his decision re the money? Just to ask him what caused him to make the change, and how he feels it will affect the family, etc? If he doesn't have a really solid, respectable reason, and the desire to explain it to you, you need to start making plans to leave.

He slept in our bed last night. We have exchanged only essential words. He is being breezy. I am finding it difficult to be breezy. We are all having our evening meal at table together- last night and tonight. It's more normal for our son.

He tried again to speak about normal things tonight- a book he is reading. I said 'we can't speak as if we are all chummy until we discuss how you have been behaving'. He said 'I'm not prepared to do that at the moment'.

I am working from home just now. He usually does only a little work from home. He said to our son he is working from home tomorrow. God knows why. So, I won't have the relief of him being out the house at work tomorrow.

OP, I suspect he may be trying to push you into either reacting or backing down. If you react, he can point at you as the bad guy; if you back down he can say you are accepting the behaviour.

So, I reckon you need to be calm and also wary.

He knows what he's doing. He's WFH as punishment to you, to keep you on eggshells all fucking day.

Has he paid in the correct amount into the bills account or is he still short?

So abusive OP.

He is an absolute bully.

Get organised.

Don't cave, OP. He's manipulating the crap out of you. Or trying to.

If he's at home, can you go off and work in a cafe for a bit, or something? Round to a friend's house? The shed?!

Anything to get a break from him smelting your iron will. The focus has to remain on his behaviour until he stops trying to manipulate you.

Can you ask him, if he say's he's 'not prepared' again, when he will be prepared? Or what he is prepared to do to resolve his mood problems? You need to keep putting the ball back in his court. Currently he's in charge of everything - he decides when the mood changes, and from that point, he's in charge of how long for, how bad it is, how it gets resolved, etc.

Right now you're in charge. I bet he's feeling very unsettled about it, despite his breezy attitude. Abusers don't like feeling that their victims aren't in their control.

Keep putting him on the spot.

I really hope you aren't cooking and doing laundry for him while he is behaving like this?
Is there any way you can stay elsewhere with your son for a few days?
I hope you get the happiness you deserve x

....because you DO deserve to be happy.

He’s bullying you. Please don’t let him.

He isn't paying his half of the weekly expenses, don't cater for him

Please leave OP, your poor son deserves to live in a chilled out happy home.
Ask yourself this; when your son moves away as an adult for uni or work, do you really think he will be happy to come back and visit on your birthday or at christmas?

Are we sure this isn't the wrong way round?

Let's face it - it's usually women that use this tactic.

A very good reverse psychology lesson to learn here.

What's that supposed to mean @crestar?

It means crestar is a man that once had a woman sulk at him, now he has decided that women usually do this and men couldn't possibly.

@crestar

Are we sure this isn't the wrong way round?

Let's face it - it's usually women that use this tactic.

A very good reverse psychology lesson to learn here.

You know, most times I come across this type of behaviour, it's men who are doing it.

Stay strong OP, he is hoping you will drop it - don't

An unexpected development today.

He didn’t work from home because he hadn’t brought his laptop home from work, however, he did text me, and said

1 he doesn’t want to divorce
2 he outlined his grievance which in basic terms is ‘not being heard’
3 he suggests couples counselling

I replied saying I didn’t want a divorce but did not want to be in relationship where this behaviour is repeated. I said his expectations were unreasonable, behaviour bullying and unfair to me and DS. I said I thought counselling may help.

He is home, we have not had a conversation but that is the up to date situation.

I have found posting here to be very helpful to my thinking. Thank you for everyone’s help so far.

Bit difficult to be heard if he refuses to talk........ 🤔

Does he have a point about not being heard? Has he told you what it was he was trying to say that you didn't listen to/acknowledge?

I've been in a relationship where I didn't feel heard. Every time I tried to start a conversation about it, I was met with 'not now'. If I said 'When, then?', the answer was still 'Not now.' If he's feeling like I did, I can understand him feeling massively frustrated, and like there's no point in talking.

But really, up until now, you've been the one trying to talk, and he's been the silent one, right? If he feels he's not being heard, then surely your efforts to converse would have been exactly what he would respond to?

Also, 'not being heard' doesn't mean 'cutting payments to the account without explanation'.

I'd give him the floor. Tell him that when he's ready to say all the things he wants to say, you want to hear. Tel him to explain exactly what's led to him behaving the way he has. See if there's actually anything of value. TBH I think he's still BSing you and trying to deflect the blame.

By hearing him, you will give yourself the power of having all the information. Let him talk. You don't have to agree with him, but don't interrupt, or you'll end up with another tantrum and 3 days of silence!

Tell him that his behaviour is immature and boring and that he can piss off til he stops acting like a stroppy teenager.
Take away the power of it.
My dh used to have a pattern of behaviour that was similar. I used to try, like you, but one day I got fed up and just applauded him and said something along the lines of ‘oh well done! What a poor excuse for an adult male ive married!’ and walked off. I think it left him a bit stunned.