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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

270 replies

BlingersMcBling · 20/10/2020 08:08

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

OP posts:
SomeoneTellBorisHeHasDandruff · 20/10/2020 12:54

Hi OP,

She is taking the piss/pi55 and you know that. From the beginning she has done nothing to hide it. Both financially and childcare wise she is onto a good thing with you. It sounds like you are well meaning and you are trying to be fair to her but sadly she is not being fair to you.

Please don’t buy this house with the intention of having her and the children living with you. Don’t get yourself into more debt. Buy a house that you want because it suits you within your budget.
Only you know if this relationship has more pro’s than con’s but from what you are saying I think you need to move on, I can’t see it getting any better in the future.

TartanLassie · 20/10/2020 12:54

What's the female equivalent of a cocklodger? Because that's what she is! Blimey you're feeding her kids and giving her free childcare. Am I reading that right?

Why the hell would you want to move in with her. Buy the house and get a lodger, see her during the week and weekends. She's taking the piss!!

Noti23 · 20/10/2020 12:57

Ew, she’s using you. Run for the hills while you still can.

Lolaloveslemonade · 20/10/2020 13:00

I can’t believe that people are suggesting that she lives rent free OP.
She should pay you rent just like she would do to a private landlord with a mortgage.

She is a freeloader.

doubleaces89 · 20/10/2020 13:02

Just out of curiosity, OP, is she way out of your league in the looks department?

Lolaloveslemonade · 20/10/2020 13:04

Just read that you pay for her car too.

I can’t believe that she thinks that £500 is unreasonable amount in exchange for living in a big house and free car.

Let her look for alternatives for herself and her children. See if she can find anything better for under £500. Cheeky mare.

Lolaloveslemonade · 20/10/2020 13:05

Just out of curiosity, OP, is she way out of your league in the looks department?

Certainly doesn’t sound way out of the OP’s league in every other way.

MushyMushi · 20/10/2020 13:22

I can see this thread could be different from her point of view...

“My DP earns 100k a year, wants us to live together but won’t marry me or set up a joint account, and expects me to contribute more than 50% of my wage when I have two DC to pay for and their useless biological father doesn’t pay a penny towards them. This would leave me with £400 a month to cover all of mine and DCs costs, whilst he has £2,000 a month spare and no kids. I’m working 4 days per week and doing all the housework but he still wants more money from me. AIBU?”

KatherineJaneway · 20/10/2020 13:26

She's looking for a meal ticket and seems like she has found one.

OverTheRainbow88 · 20/10/2020 13:28

If she didn’t live with you she would be paying rent. £500 a month to live in a nice house with each kid having a room is very reasonable. She is lucky.
Don’t let her abuse you financially. I would also get a contract written up to state the house is yours as if you both move in together if you break up she may have some rights unless it’s in writing.

Lolaloveslemonade · 20/10/2020 13:28

Mushy
I suppose the question is does the OP want to share his money with this woman and her two children.
If he doesn’t, he needs to end it.

Sakurami · 20/10/2020 13:30

Well if I lived with someone I loved who had to pay for their kids and only earned a fraction of my salary, I would be uncomfortable seeing them struggle financially if I had the means.

She has two kids and gets no financial help from their father. If she doesn't earn much then she will probably be struggling.

You sound like a lovely man op. Maybe really think about your commitment for your girlfriend and think of yourselves as a team and making sure that you are both the same

Pringlemonster · 20/10/2020 13:40

Disaster waiting to happen for all of you .especially kids caught up in this mess
I think you should not move in together unless your married,she is in a vulnerable position just moving in with you
I think either marry and combine incomes and take those children on as your children,or let her go to find someone who will

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/10/2020 13:44

I don't get this thread.

Plenty of Mnetters are SAHM and common advice is to refuse to move in with a man until their name is put on the deeds of his house but this woman who works 4 days a week and is not going to be on the deeds of the house and can therefore be kicked out at any time is taking the piss?

OP: if you are not prepared to pool finances with her, resent her kids for needing a room each and think she is free loading, then I would end it. If you don't love her enough to want to share your lifestyle and earnings with her then it's not the right relationship for you or her.

Frazzle20 · 20/10/2020 13:46

OP - see mushy’s post. Do you love her? I know you are not married - but this is not your flat mate this is your partner.

Listen to what she is saying. If she leaves you over the stress this causes her - you will greatly regret any debate in your mind about £100 here or there.
I understand the feelings of being taken advantage of, but ask yourself how you would feel is she and children disappeared from your life.

That doesn’t sound fair or moral - but it’s fact.

frewer · 20/10/2020 13:50

I'm another poster who thinks we don't have enough information, we don't even know how old the children are, and if they regard him as a step dad.

doubleaces89 · 20/10/2020 14:00

Mushy's post does indeed provide an alternative prospective, but I think the key difference is her previous behaviour (when OP was struggling).

I think that highlights your DP's view of the dynamics of this relationship, and particularly your role as main provider. At best she's taking you for granted...why doesn't she work 5 days like the majority of people?!

willowmelangell · 20/10/2020 14:06

£500 a month is a bargain! She does have options.
If she wants more money, would she consider CMS from the bio dad? More hours work, 2nd job?
I think you should stick to your guns and insist on £500 contribution per month to household expenses. Not rent though.
Just by the by. How many years until her dc turn adult?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 20/10/2020 14:17

If i was going to be poor, I'd rather be solo than stick around in a relationship with a guy who could afford lobster and cavier whilst I could only eat spam. Regardless of how "good a deal" it supposedly is.

In a relationship you're meant to be in it together. You are not meant to be happy to see your partner suffer because of some nebulous sense of what's "fair"

aSofaNearYou · 20/10/2020 14:36

@Hazelnutlatteplease it's only a partnership if it works both ways. This woman is just habitually taking advantage.

JudyGemstone · 20/10/2020 14:36

I'm a single mum, i pay my own way.

It's irresponsible to rely on a man to house/keep you and your children imo. What if the relationship turns sour/toxic?
If you can't afford your lifestyle on your own then you can't afford it at all.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 20/10/2020 14:42

@aSofaNearYou

I agree. None of what the OP says sounds like a partnership at any point in either direction

HerNameWasEliza · 20/10/2020 14:45

Can you give some more detail? I can't figure out really how much money she has and how much you have. I never know why 'committed' couples don't share money, but that aside:
How much income per month does she have (after tax and including everything) and how much are her outgoings.
Same for you - income and outgoings?

You say she has a few hundred pounds a month so should be able to pay more but if she's buying food and clothing her kids and paying for some hobbies for the kids, that is easily the few hundred all gone which would explain her not feeling able to pay more.

It reads like maybe your girlfriend just wants to keep all her money as fun money and leave all the adult stuff to someone else but without more detail there is also the possibility that she is just genuinely flat broke and that when you moved in together she lost a lot of top up benefits and you don't want to share. So maybe she's in a financial tight spot and you are being unfair to her. Give us some detail if you want more considered opinions.

Tohaveandtohold · 20/10/2020 15:02

I don’t understand how some posters expect her to live rent free with op. I don’t know in what world she’ll get a house, car, childcare and bills with 3 kids all paid for with £500 a month.
Op is being fair and she’s not hard done by at all and I think she’s simply just taking you for a mug. I agree you need to sit down together and have a serious conversation with her otherwise, call it a day as it won’t work out surely

HibiscusNell · 20/10/2020 16:07

The fact she wouldn’t offer to chip in when you were first dating is very telling. It tells you a lot about her morals and her personality. It doesn’t tell you anything good.

My bet would be if you move in together she will end up with the house and you will be chucked out.