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Original poster

Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

270 replies

BlingersMcBling · 20/10/2020 08:08

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 20/10/2020 08:35

She doesn’t need childcare, I work from home so take the kids to school and pick them up most days. Her kids dads don’t give her anything.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2020 08:35

But then I do earn a lot more money than her and if I’m honest I know that normally I would just pay the vast majority and I’d be fine with her only giving me 300, but because of what’s happened in the past I can’t help thinking is she taking the pi55 again.

“Pi55“ is spelt “piss”.

Her paying half the rent doesn’t sound fair in this circumstance. Look at what you’ve both coming in and out and work it out like that.

If you’re wanting to punish her for her part bad behaviour, it sounds like the relationship is pretty well doomed anyway.

HartnellAvenue · 20/10/2020 08:36

You don't sound like you have much love or respect for her.

Is this a woman you adore and want to spend the rest of your life with?

Justforphoto · 20/10/2020 08:36

So she's choosing to work less hours and it isn't due to childcare issues? She sees you as a meal ticket to make her life easier. I would end the relationship now in that situation.

Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 20/10/2020 08:41

@Strangedays20

It doesn’t sound like she is rolling in it. She would probably be better off living with her children as a single parent.
Of course she would, most people would wouldn’t they? When I first got with her the amount of money she was getting for working 15 hours a week cleaning was unfathomable, literally earning 30k a year plus for working 15 hours a week. But that’s for a different post!
OP posts:
creaturcomforts · 20/10/2020 08:43

Does sound like she took the p#ss in the beginning and you should have brought it up then, you need to have a frank discussion about who pays what. Is she willing to discuss it? Like other posters mentioned, does she get any support from the dad towards the children?

She would most likely get benefits is she was single, but when you are living with someone its expected that the household income is shared.

Windmillwhirl · 20/10/2020 08:43

Shes a user. I'd walk. Now.

SweetAlmondOil · 20/10/2020 08:43

Run. Run now. Far and fast. She's a parasite who can't see it and won't change. You'll find someone much nicer who's more than happy to pull her weight in an equal measure. You won't regret it.

Newwayofthinking · 20/10/2020 08:45

Bloody he'll, bin her off she has shown you who she is.

Lazy, cuntlodger.

Find someone who doesn't use you as a cash point

Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 20/10/2020 08:46

@PurpleDaisies

But then I do earn a lot more money than her and if I’m honest I know that normally I would just pay the vast majority and I’d be fine with her only giving me 300, but because of what’s happened in the past I can’t help thinking is she taking the pi55 again.

“Pi55“ is spelt “piss”.

Her paying half the rent doesn’t sound fair in this circumstance. Look at what you’ve both coming in and out and work it out like that.

If you’re wanting to punish her for her part bad behaviour, it sounds like the relationship is pretty well doomed anyway.

I don’t expect or want her to pay half the rent/mortgage. Just to contribute 500. I should add that this money includes 90 a month I pay for her car and 45 for car insurance so that means she’s giving only 165 towards the current house costs. But these comments are all good because I’m seeing the other side which is what I wanted. It probably sounds like we have a rubbish relationship but I’m just giving the negatives here, nothing is perfect.
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2020 08:46

The situation was exactly the same in 2017. If nothing has changed in the last three years, why should it be any different now?

Collaborate · 20/10/2020 08:48

AS a divorce solicitor I'd say you should run for the hills. Doesn't sound like the relationship has long term "legs" and will cost you a fortune in income and capital should you marry and then divorce.

Lulooo · 20/10/2020 08:50

I agree with others who are saying you shouldn't buy a house with her. All this arguing, financial problems and freeloading shows incompatibility in a relationship.

Welshgal85 · 20/10/2020 08:50

I agree that she should be contributing towards the house, I don’t really get the ‘why should she help pay the mortgage’ comments. If she wasn’t moving in with you she would be paying to live elsewhere? You could always draw up a tenancy agreement if she feels more secure having that to fall back on should the relationship end.

But I think the bigger issue here is about trust and resentment. OP I understand that you feel that things are unfair at the moment and I don’t think you should automatically have to pay for the majority of things. I think the two of you need a serious chat about all of this, how you feel about the relationship and her attitude to money, what both of your expectations are etc before things go any further. Ultimately you should be a team committed to each other and both feel happy in your set up

myhobbyisouting · 20/10/2020 08:52

Why can nobody write the word piss on this thread?

OP she wants you to provide a house, social life, childcare for her kids and to bail her out whenever she sees fit. She doesn't want to work full time because why would she when you can. She wants to pay as little as possible for these things and while you're willing to you're just adding to the resentment

Dundundunnn · 20/10/2020 08:54

The only fair way is to split by equal percentage of wage...
So you both contribute 40% (for example) of your wages to household payments.

However, the relationship sounds terrible and I wouldn't be buying a house with someone like that.
For the love of God don't put her name in the deeds.

Lozzerbmc · 20/10/2020 08:55

She is very selfish - she should be willing to contribute. Does she love you or what you give her? I dont mean to sound harsh.

Buying a house with her will be the biggest mistake of your life.

Justwingingmotherhood · 20/10/2020 08:55

@AfterSchoolWorry

Ugh, typos everywhere. 'you' not u.
Its mumsnet love, not an English exam.
TheTeenageYears · 20/10/2020 08:55

I completely agree that just because the house isn't in her name she should live without housing costs except for bills - you are right she would have to pay for rent if you weren't together... or maybe not.

It sounds a very complicated situation and more than likely one you should probably have walked away from a long time. There's a difference between means and attitude in terms of money. The complication comes now that if you weren't together and everything else was the same what would she be entitled to claim in terms of benefits. Being together with, your higher earnings is likely to be limiting what she can claim so that has to be part of the equation.

Realistically you need to have a good think about what you really want - are you happy to support her and her DC both emotionally and financially either with or without any strings attached (I will do this long term because I love you but you also have to do your bit to make this a more equal relationship). What's the split of other things in the relationship like? Who does the cleaning, childcare, mental load etc. She may not be able to contribute equally financially but could take more of the rest of life's tasks so she isn't freeloading.

I watched something recently which saw a couple looking at how to split costs reasonably given their different financial situations. In terms of rent they used the term financial burden. What percentage of take home pay was the total for the highest earner? The lesser earner was then going to contribute the same percentage of their earnings. E.g. Total of £2000 housing costs is 50% of take home pay for highest earner. 50% of lower earner is £400 so lower earner pays £400 and higher £1600. I thought it was a really interesting way of looking at it but may work better in some situations like when one person is living alone and covering all costs themselves anyway and then a partner moves in.

GF could just be totally self centred and have never really grown up though. Only you know what she's like beyond what you've said.

Windmillwhirl · 20/10/2020 08:56

She's a parasite who can't see it

I disagree, I think she totally sees it.

Don't be a mug, op.

BlueThistles · 20/10/2020 08:56

You don't sound like you have much love or respect for her.

Is this a woman you adore and want to spend the rest of your life with?

nice deflection from that fact she's not paying her fair share .. 🙄

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 20/10/2020 08:59

She's actually using three quarters of the house. So no you are not BU. You were too generous to start and now it feels like a right to her.
I think you should live separately because this isn't going to go well. You don't need a 4 bed house. She's only got 2 kids. You're doing the school run and paying for most of her because her ex refuses to - he doesn't get to do that.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/10/2020 09:03

Ahh, she's a sex worker? In that case, yes she took the piss initially when you met but if she's given up sex work at your insistence, Hmmm well...

copperoliver · 20/10/2020 09:04

Why are you with her move into your new house on your own and finish your relationship she doesn't seem to be making you happy. Find someone who will.
Your wasting time. X

TicTacTwo · 20/10/2020 09:06

It's a terrible idea to buy with her. She's shown her true colours when you were in trouble.

For people who don't know why it's a good idea to charge her bills but not mortgage, if she pays towards the mortgage after a few years she gets rights to a lump sum if they break up as she invested in the property. It is unfair that she lives rent free but he'll be able to ask her to leave quickly and she won't start to squire an interest in the property,