Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

[BlingersMcBling]

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

We still don't know how he's bonded with the children.

So they never see their bio dads at all? Do you want marriage/children in the future?

She is a piss taker and freeloader and you are a mug. Her behaviour shows she is an awful person. I think you should leave her. It will get worse.

You really need to think with your head on this one.

“Pi55“ is spelt “piss”.

Oh piss off

That should be 'pi55 off' surely 😅

Yep, you're one big mug. She's landed on her feet with you!

What does she earn?

You two need to sit down and work out costs of living. For example is she paying other costs, such as food?

Her position isn't good as she is risking moving into a house with her 2 children where she doesn't have any security but that doesn't mean she shouldn't pay her way.

How old are you both? Do you plan to have children and marry?

I was going to say she was a cheeky cow but then I saw that she has two kids and that changes things.

You’re going to have to have some calm, grown up conversations together because you’re going to be owning the house that children live in and that’s a serious responsibility.

Having kids does not clear her of being a Cheeky Freeloading Cow.. it makes it worse... she only works part time whilst her partner (not the kids Dad) drops and collects then from school.. what exactly is she bringing to this relationship because it looks very one sided to me. OP sounds incredibly supportive and generous.. She on the other hand saw him coming from 500 yards away. 🌺

I think the ammount she should pay is irrelevant. I know you say you've argued about this. But have you actually had a proper adult conversation about this? As in talked about the financial situation, budget, future, expectations? If these don't line up then Building a future together is very difficult.

Just based on the information so far I'd say get a smaller 2 bed place on your own.

I think that @dottiedodahhas a point here: from your financial perspective she sounds like a freeloader, but the situation is clearly more complicated.

I echo the PP who have said that you both need to have an open and honest discussion about salary, outgoings, individual/split responsibilities and what's left over for each person.

You haven't mentioned how much of the kids' costs are split (if at all) or whether the father makes any contribution. Her salary could be eaten up by being a "financially single" parent, but if you're already living together I'd guess some of those costs are split if you're covering the lion's dshare of outgoings.

Honestly, it sounds too far gone to start fresh and like there's resentment building on both sides. You absolutely should not buy a house until you can both discuss what seems fair to both of you.

The lower-earner should not be skint each month because they are covering half the mortgage of a property they do not own, but the higher-earner should not just be picking up all tabs either. In any case, it's in her financial interests to marry you, or security-wise, to at least work out some form of tennacy agreement.

I agree that you should either demand she pays a fair amount of rent or just cut your losses and run for the hills. She sounds like a freeloader tbh.
Also, I didn’t think people in partnerships could be put on the deeds if they are not on the mortgage? You certainly wouldn’t want her on your deeds, whichever is true.

The thing that concerns me most about this relationship, OP, is that it's not clear where you stand regarding "the kids".
You want to buy a house big enough to house the whole family unit... But the way you talk about "her kids" (or your "girlfriend", not partner) makes it sound like you don't really see any of these people as your family. So what are they? Tenants with benefits?

Sounds like you and your girlfriend aren't quite on the same wavelength here... If you're serious enough about buying a whole house for them, why don't you marry your girlfriend, and make the kids your step children? Or is the big house just an investment, and the girlfriend and kids accidental tenants?
Stop sitting on the fence, OP. What are these people to you?
Make your mind up, and the financial conundrum will solve itself.

I can see two sides in a way, two children aren’t cheap to feed, clothe etc.

Mortgage, thats yours to pay and yours alone.

We’re in a similar situation as one of us has a mortgage and a child (me) and the other lives here without being on the deeds etc.

He pays me 1/3 of the utilities/food bill and 50% of the council tax. He then puts x away each month into savings so if he does become a part owner in the property he has a deposit to put down.

You could do
She pays 3/4 of food and utilities (as she is 3 out of 4 people in the home) and 50% of council tax as children don’t count for it.

Rent is a tricky one, I personally don’t want anyone contributing to my mortgage who isn’t on the deeds. If you charge rent that is of course fine, but you need to also consider how much disposable income she has left after her child costs, bills and rent contribution. Ideally you would either have a similar amount of monthly pocket money, or you would have to accept that you would have to fund certain things, especially if she has lost any UC to move in with you.

But more importantly, why didn’t you sort all this out before she moved in?!

She's taking the piß

Yes she taking the piss, big time.

She got the good deal. She not paying anywhere near what she should be. I don't care if she doesn't want to work full time, who the hell does. But she's got 2 children and herself to support. Her children are not yours to support they have 2 parents for that, and why isn't she sorting out CMS payments from the dad. He should be paying towards their children, anything you give should be seen as a bonus and not a given.

She wants you to cover 90% of the household and living costs, plus because you are working from home you taking the children back and forth to school and then looking after them after school.

I'm betting you do a lot around the house as well.

The question is what would her rent be if she had to have her own property? £300 per month? Not for a 4 bed because that’s what you want. I’m talking reality. She’d probably rent a 2 bed apartment? What do they cost to rent per month? That’s what she should be paying? She can’t be expected to subsidise a mortgage on a house not in her name. That’s ridiculous. Plus writing all the history of her needing to go to a cash point etc unreasonable. If you weren’t happy with that you should have dealt with it at the time NOT be bringing it up 5 years later. Deal with what the situation is now. I’ll be honest, buying a house and living with somebody and their kids while they aren’t on the feeds is a recipe for disaster and resentment. It’s too unbalanced. Why don’t you just buy a house you want and she lives by herself and you both manage your own funds until kids have left home and she’s got a better handle on her funds. This is going to go toxic and end in tears.

I’m sorry but she sounds like a leach. I am a mother to two children, and if I met a man and lived with him I wouldn’t expect him to pay for my and my children’s way. If the bulls are £2000 asking her to Pay £500 is more than reasonable, if she was a single mum even if she was getting her rent paid for her she would still have council tax gas electricity water House insurance food etc to pay for? She’s trying her luck and your letting her do it. Also, she’s getting her wages from 4 days a week, she will also get child benefit for 2 children (around £130) and sure she receive maintenance from her ex? So she may have more money going into her account than she’s leading you to believe. Explain to her,
If she wants to live in a nice big house and have nice things, you are happy to provide the home but £500 is what you expect from her and if she doesn’t want to pay that, she can find herself somewhere else to live or work more hours if she’s so concerned about having spare money. Sure she will change her tune then

She sounds like a spoiled brat to me. How nice for her to have a part time job with you paying the majority of the housing costs plus her car costs, not to mention childcare or the debts that should rightly be hers!

The two kids are her and their dad's responsibility first and foremost. Some people are happy with an arrangement in which step-parents contribute fully to the upbringing of the step kids. That's fine, but I suspect you're actually providing far more than any of their actual parents.

YANBU OP, I don't know why people think her having kids makes her case better, if anything it makes it worse. She is getting a large amount of free childcare from you and expects you to fund a house large enough for her kids. She should be paying more towards your joint home due to her kids, not less. Yes, she shouldn't be paying half towards a house she isn't on the deeds to but really, that's her fault for not being in a position to buy a house herself. She either needs to accept the deal available to her within the means of her credit not being good enough to buy, or you shouldn't be buying together. These are not your burdens to shoulder.

You are not being selfish, but this is not the real issue. Finance is such a fundamental issue that if you cannot agree some ground rules about who pays for what and when, bearing in mind that income is rarely stable and circumstances change, your relationship can't last. I hope you can sort this out between you, but you will both need to honest with yourselves and each other. Good luck.

“Tbh op, it doesn't sound as if you like or respect her so not sure why you're moving in with her?”

This. Whatever the rights or wrongs about what’s going on, you sound like you resent and actually quite dislike her. Your tone - especially in your later posts - is in some ways quite chilling. There doesn’t seem to be a basis for a happy future here.

That should be 'pi55 off' surely 😂

5orry my mi5take!

I think it's easy to get into a pattern of behaviour..I used to pay for my friends every time we went out. I started resenting, they started expecting it. Solved issue by going out less (but that just happened naturally as our lives got busier).

I think you started relationship in wrong foot, you being overly generous and her thinking this is norm. This is something that you need to reset.

Maybe a possible solution would be ask her to do more household chores (cleaning, cooking, etc) and you do less to compensate for her lack of investment.

I think you need to set clear boundaries. £500 contribution for someone with 2 kids is minimal, especially as one of the key reasons your moving is space.

Also, if she's such a low earner then this will massively impact the age you can retire. Something to consider...

Money

"Tbh op, it doesn't sound as if you like or respect her so not sure why you're moving in with her?”

This. Whatever the rights or wrongs about what’s going on, you sound like you resent and actually quite dislike her. Your tone - especially in your later posts - is in some ways quite chilling. There doesn’t seem to be a basis for a happy future here.

well it's no wonder he feels this way... IF he even does...

She's taking the PI55 right out of him 🌺

I think your resentment will only grow if you carry on with this relationship.

Why don't you buy a property for yourself, and see how the relationship pans out if you take a step back, and your DP has to become a bit more financially independent?