Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

[BlingersMcBling]

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

^The only fair way is to split by equal percentage of wage...
So you both contribute 40% (for example) of your wages to household payments^

That doesn't work when there's a big difference in income. It always leaves the lower earner with far less money, and I suspect less than the GF wants to be able to spend.

OP, do you need a 4 bed for 4 of you? Could you get a 3 bed even if it means getting a garden room for your home office? Likely to be cheaper than a 4 bed with one bedroom to use as a home office.

Sounds like your GF is in a very comfortable position, getting all her housing costs and bills for her and 2 DC covered for £500 pm, that's nothing. Who pays for food, days out, their clothes, presents etc?

I agree that she should be contributing towards rent BUT not a significant amount and certainly not market rent. Utility bills should be covered as a % of your income (so if you earn more you may pay 60% while she pays 40%). To me that's what partnership is and due to your difference in wages it would be unfair to expect 50/50.

With regards to the "rent" contributions, if she had a private tenancy, she would have a contract and therefore a "guaranteed" place to live during the period of her tenancy assuming no breach of contract. With you she doesn't have that. If you relationship deteriorates she (and her children) could end up homeless with little to no notice. She should therefore pay you a small amount towards rent and put the rest (difference between her rent and what she could reasonably afford to rent a place for) in a savings account for her and her kids should they ever find themselves in this situation and need money for a deposit.

You need to have a non-argumentative discussion about how you manage your joint finances going forward and how you each protect yourselves (and your DP's kids) in case of a break-up.

When your girlfriend started going out with you she didn't know how much you earned so she would have simply got an overall impression. You paid for everything every time, so she assumed that you earned good money and that you wanted to be the 'alpha male' and pay for everything. However, it was a reality check when you asked her to pay. You were no longer the person earning so much that you could pay for everything, but she accepted it. You stuck together and you've sought help so you must want the relationship to work. So now to the big question about the new house. Money should have been discussed at the outset and you should have agreed exactly what would happen if you separated. Ideally you should confirm this in writing. It does not have to be formal. You can just send an email setting out exactly what you understand to be the situation to be. She needs to confirm that she too understands this. There is no right or wrong though. It is all about perception. I'm a woman and I have 3 kids by my partner, but like you my house is in my name. I earned 3 times what he earned when we met but insisted that everything was 50/50. I am happy to live a moderate life and within my income having earned very little in the past. He resented this because he wanted SKY and other non essential items. After having 3 children close together and having no income he got his own back and insisted that we continue 50/50. I live on the children's benefits and my own capital. He now has his luxury items SKY, fancy car. Our relationship is disfunctional though and not happy. I'm just trying to give you perspective. A person who is happy giving is truly a happy person. They are never a 'mug' if they know the facts and still choose to give. And from a legal perspective the most common way to deal with your situation is to ask your girlfriend to pay nothing towards the mortgage but to pay half of all the bills so that if you separate there is no complication. The house if yours. Just remember that you are not just offering your girlfriend and her children a house, but a home and that nothing will be resolved without communication. Good luck

Not her house, not her mortgage. If you want to buy a house and take on the financial responsibility then that responsibility is yours alone. She clearly is in no position to buy. In effect she will be the lodger with benefits and you should ask her to pay rent towards the bills. Pro rata it on percentage of income she has compared to you or go halves, or come to some other agreement but either you you need to sit down and talk properley about this.

She's a female cocklodger and is mightily taking advantage of your generous nature. Get rid and find someone who appreciates you.

How much money are you left with after paying your proposed share?

The only fair way is to split by equal percentage of wage...
So you both contribute 40% (for example) of your wages to household payments.

That isn't fair when one person has decided unilaterally to reduce their hours so therefore their pay and expects the other to pick up the slack

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation where did you get sex worker?

[quote Frownette]@EvenMoreFuriousVexation where did you get sex worker?[/quote]
Mysterious income not in keeping with cleaning 15 hours a week.

Please bin her off :)

I took the £30k for 15 hours cleaning per week to be when the GF lived by herself and received top up benefits, so her income was equivalent to a £30k annual salary.

The benefits would have been lost when she moved in with the OP. The fact that the OP and the GF have been together at least 5 years suggests that her DC are at least primary school age, so she could always work full time if she wanted more money. It's not like she's got preschoolers at home.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Ahh, she's a sex worker? In that case, yes she took the piss initially when you met but if she's given up sex work at your insistence, Hmmm well...

what?????

She sounds like a parasite and definitely saw you coming. Yes, of course she should contribute. I think the advice in circumstances such as these is to get her to pay utilities so that she doesn’t get some kind of interest in your house. If she officially paid the mortgage, she would. Try and get that in writing so that you have a formal agreement. It could just be a text from you to her and her response.

How old are the children, are you fond of them? You've been in their life for quite a while.

@ everyone who asked - work it out from the pay vs hours and the OPs hint at "juicy gossip" in referring to this.

Tbh op, it doesn't sound as if you like or respect her so not sure why you're moving in with her?

tbh i'm not sure why you are still in a relationship with her, she's treating you like a money tree, give it a shake and money falls without question.
she's taking the piss big time and taking you for a total mug. why would she want to work at all if you are picking up the bills ?
fgs do think about this in the long term, she's gotten you into debt previously, this is not the basis of a good relationship and you really ought to think about giving her the adult nudge she needs, out the door.

No I think he meant that he was shocked how much benefit top up she got in response to someone saying she would be better off as a single parent .

I’m not sure those who are saying your relationship sounds terrible either

Sounds like u have a massive difference in pay and also attitudes towards money

I do think her paying to much towards the house is not on since she really has zero security if you guys split

However I think your amount seems reasonable give that a third of that money actually covers her car

Are you going to get married ?
Is there was way to put her on the deeds but secure your initial investment ( deposit) somehow ? I assume you intend to stay together long term

This whole situation is bizzare. It doesn't really sound like the kind of relationship which has a future. You don't sound like a partnership or like you're particularly bonded with her kids. From the sound of it your impression is that she's a bit of a freeloader. I'm not sure then why you're even with her.

Either she's actually just using you for money as you somewhat imply or you're not being fair in your description of her. If she has kids then naturally she's going to spend most of her disposable income on them not on socialising. Either way I'd be considering whether the relationship has a long term future.

I was going to say she was a cheeky cow but then I saw that she has two kids and that changes things.

You’re going to have to have some calm, grown up conversations together because you’re going to be owning the house that children live in and that’s a serious responsibility.

I'm amazed the relationship has lasted as long as it has when there are such significant issues about money

She is a user. There are some that see men as a meal ticket or expect the man to pay. Some have forgotten it is 2020 - you know equal rights/responsibilities etc.

A friend had this problem with a woman he was seeing. He mentioned how it made him feel and yet he did nothing about it. The resentment grew. Her sisters also used men and his partner readily admitted that her sisters used men for money. He actually said that and she was doing it to him too! Very tacky but normal to her and her family. I suggested that he told her that he isn't there to just provide for her financially and let her know how he felt.

Tell her. Expect her to pay her way. Otherwise this will last for the rest of your time together.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Ahh, she's a sex worker? In that case, yes she took the piss initially when you met but if she's given up sex work at your insistence, Hmmm well...

The chap I knew was so worried about being on his own he just put up with it. He was scared of being alone and so he accepted he was being used. That's pretty sad really but he suffered depression and so I think he was so scared of being alone he just put up with it. We stopped chatting (another reason) and so I imagine he is still with her and still paying for everything pretty much but then he chose to settle so that's the rub.

@JustwingingmotherhoodJustwingingmotherhood

Its mumsnet love, not an English exam.

I was referring to my own post just above, which was riddled with mistakes!

I can see both sides here TBH. At face value she seems like she is taking you for granted ,however if she has 2 children they will take a fair chunk of her wages! Do you feel (apart from the money) that she is right for you otherwise ? If you feel happy ,then money should really be secondary . As for being "taken for a mug" is this what has happened to you in the past?or your take on it .Each R/L is going to be different I think .You need to work out if you want to continue in your R/L with this woman ,or if the fairness about money is more important to you