Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

[BlingersMcBling]

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

@HibiscusNell

The fact she wouldn’t offer to chip in when you were first dating is very telling. It tells you a lot about her morals and her personality. It doesn’t tell you anything good.

My bet would be if you move in together she will end up with the house and you will be chucked out.

This.

Don't do it.

I don't understand why you wouldn't find a GF without these complications. She has 2 kids, she earns less than you, so of course she's always going to be skint.

Why after the way she was initially have you progressed to 5 years?

Finances cause a lot of relationship problems and it will with you both.

I would say the same to a woman in a relationship with a man with 2 kids..why not go for a less complicated relationship? Too much baggage.

This isn't a matter of selfishness by either of you...your income gap is too wide and she'll just seem like a freeloading liability quite frankly.

She has to cloth her kids and take care of their other needs, so she'll always be short of cash, unless she's on a good wage.

So much more of her money will go on her kids.

Leave. Get a house on your own, she is making a mug of you!
She wants more money she can bloody well work for it!
Yo’ve been more than accommodating but she’s taken the piss out of you.
Just because she won’t be on the mortgage ( so she shouldn’t!) doesn't mean she gets to live rent free!( don’t see why she shouldn’t pay towards it when she’s living there).
IF you guys do get a house i can see her Doing less days or even giving up work completely and expecting you to provide for her.
The fact she has kids makes it even worse.

£500 for rent and bills for an adult and two kids is quite cheap really.

Say it's this or you get a smaller house yourself.

OP are you still here? I'm wondering why you won't tell us more info inc what the income levels actually are. Is it because you have many 1000's more left than her each month and have not seen it as your responsibility to in any way make up for the benefits she lost when moving in with you? Your silence at the moment could be quite loud!

I think that living for £500 for housing and bills included for her and 2 children is a very reasonable price. However it does seem like she is out for what you can provide for her. As you say you would not need to buy such a large property if you did not have her 2 children living with you.
Sorry it does sound like she is selfish.
How long have you been together in total?
Do you see a long term future with her?

There are many things that don't add up in this story. To buy a house for 300K, with a mortgage based on your sole income, OP would have to be earning a pretty high salary, the sort of salary that often comes with a professional role - lawyer/doctor/senior management. OP does not come across as that sort of person. Also, OP has painted himself as being a bit of a pushover and getting into debt through bailing his GF out financially, in which case it's hard to believe that things have now turned around to the point where he has the deposit required for buying a 300K house. (Unless he's going to drip feed that he inherited a large sum of money - in which case, ignore all my previous comments.)

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for you looking at this with a factual head— because she is living with you and you earn reasonablycwell she won’t be entitled to any benefits/help at all , I don’t know if she gets decent maintenance or any at all- maybe I missed that - but the fact is she is working , albeit part time with youngish kids and if she wasn’t with you then yes it’s likely she would be getting help with rent and tax credits etc , nor does she have any entitlement to your house if you decided to end it next week and has actually put herself in a vulnerable position— so I have to be honest and say I think you have to look at a bit differently— if you were married and the kids were yours and your wife worked part time then would you genuinely expect her to be doing more than she is? Because the way I see it you are either ‘all in’ it as a family(and treat them as such) financially or you aren’t- the way you have written it makes it sound a bit like a business arrangement . It may be she is naturally somewhat tight but it’s clear at the moment she doesn’t have a lot to actually ‘give’ and nor is she getting any handouts. If you genuinely cannot afford this place then you need to be straight up with her - bugger if she wants a 4 bed house etc , if the money isn’t there, it isn’t there and stop getting yourself into difficulties to keep her sweet- it’s way better to be totally upfront and she needs to grow up on that one. If it doesn't suit her, then I would say you have taken on far more than you can handle and she needs to either get real or ship out

OP posted:
"When I first got with her the amount of money she was getting for working 15 hours a week cleaning was unfathomable, literally earning 30k a year plus for working 15 hours a week. But that’s for a different post!"

That would mean she was paid around £40 an hour! No cleaning job pays 30K for 15 hours a week. Perhaps her income was topped up with benefits, or perhaps she had a much more lucrative job... I guess we'll never know, as OP seems to have had his fun and disappeared. Maybe he's "got with" someone else now.

OP are you still here? I'm wondering why you won't tell us more info inc what the income levels actually are. Is it because you have many 1000's more left than her each month and have not seen it as your responsibility to in any way make up for the benefits she lost when moving in with you? Your silence at the moment could be quite loud!

Supporting a female 'Cocklodger' ... todays just full of surprises....

That would mean she was paid around £40 an hour! No cleaning job pays 30K for 15 hours a week. Perhaps her income was topped up with benefits, or perhaps she had a much more lucrative job... I guess we'll never know, as OP seems to have had his fun and disappeared. Maybe he's "got with" someone else now.

Did it ever cross your mind that she might have been defrauding the benefits system... and has now simply become a female cocklodger, that pays way less that necessary, whilst this guy runs around after Her kids? and their actual father pays zero toward their upbringing. OP sounds like a gawd darn hero to be tolerating her freeloading crap this long...

Why on earth have you hung around for as long as you have? Buy a house at a price-level to suit yourself and let her get on with supporting her own children. And fixing her own car and all the rest.
Then buy all means pay for a few drinks on a Saturday night but she should standing on her own two feet.

Just had a thought... maybe we need a new term to cover someone like the OP's girlfriend. "Female cocklodger" doesn't quite work... how about c**tlodger? She must be amazing in the sack, for OP to put up with so much.

The thing is you were happy to pay everything in the beginning when you wanted to please her and win her over. And then that is the man she expected to be with- the one who wants to look after her. Then six months into the relationship you expect her to start paying for the luxury of being with you and she of course is disgruntled because it isnt what she signed up for. She wanted to be looked after so she is standing her ground and being like "no that is what you offered me, so stick to the offer."

Now if things are going alright with the renting and she cant afford to move into a more expensive place- why would you expect her to want to pay even more than she is and lower her disposable income just to keep you happy? If you really want to be with her and still own a property then I would buy to let, so that you can live together at a rate that you're both equally happy with and see how things improve from there.

How long have you both been together?

Tbh it seems a bit strange you keep referring to her and her kids like they are afterthoughts. But yet you two are in a long term relationship living together and considering buying a house and helping with school picks etc but still can’t see these kids as some sort of step children or having any guardianship over them or bond, which imo you need to have before u consider A life long relationship, I mean you are the only father figure at present. And I’m taking it you are considering a life long relationship since we are talking about a mortgage house here to fit u all.

Heres also the thing... I myself was a single mum to one child... also a student in uni working full time as a part time nurse on £400 per month. Tried to also fit in a part time job to pay my rent and cover over bills as my daughters dad didn’t help at all. Then eventually met my now fiancé who was on 51k salary plus bonus. When we made the choice to move in together into a home that was bigger than my one bed apartment to fit us all it became very obvious my income was completely lower than his. But guess what? We seen each other as team.. not two separate families. Therefore all our money went into one pot (not officially joint). From that pot all the house bills where paid, plus our own personal bills. Savings where put away and then what was left was play money for our family. Now obviously most of his wage contributed to this pot but it wasn’t considered at all like that.

Fast forward this year and unfortunately he lost his job due to covid, I on the other hand am a nurse and of course my job in safe, so now I’m the higher earner (still extremely less than what our joint income was before) but again our money goes into that pot and it seen as family money . Not separate . He sees my child as his own and she’s never referred to ‘my partners child ‘.

Think my point is the both of you really need to sit down and talk about where U both want to go with this relationship and whether ur team or two separate families living together. I get she needs to pay bills and also raise her children but she is on such a smaller income So maybe just putting all money together and now out of that pay bills, put savings away and then set some aside for u both to enjoy as a family as play money or for whatever luxuries you may want that month.. that way all her money is in the pot but she’s still supported to getting herself the odd thing and being able to go get the kids clothes they need and what not?

Also her working part time and having two kids shouldn’t be seen as her not wanting to be areas working more.. it’s hard being a single parent esp when ur partner refers to her children as ‘her children ‘ so maybe it too much to ask her dad to babysit full time or you when ur working also

Not wanting to be arsed working more *

Thanks so much for all your replies, it’s really good to get other opinions on this and that’s exactly what I was after as I haven’t and do t want to speak to family/friends about it as they will gain a negative view of her and maybe that’s justifiable but initially I didn’t want to.
To answer some of your points, yes the relationship probably does sound flawed and I should get rid and believe me I nearly have on many occasions but the reason I haven’t is because although this is a very negative part of the relationship, generally everything else is fine eg we get well most of the time, have a laugh together, enjoy just being in the same room together and still have a healthy sex life which after 5 years hasn’t happened before and I’ve had a lot of long term relationships. But having said that, selfishness is one of my number 1 hates and I’ve never had a relationship with anyone else as selfish or where I’ve worried about money or bailed them out etc like this one. It’s complicated because where do you decide that the negatives are too much and you need to move on, it’s never going to be perfect but then on the other hand I shouldn’t be thinking to myself what happens if one day I can’t work the same, would she support me???
To answer some questions she does most of the cleaning in the house but this was only because we argued about it because it got to the point where I was cleaning on the weekend whilst she chilled out and then on Monday when she is off she was lounging around watching tv whilst I was working! So now she does most of the cleaning. Regarding food-she does the weekly food shop and I top it up but I pay for all meals we go out for, takeaways and alcohol which accounts to more than the weekly food shop.
In terms of do we want to get married and have kids... she wants to get married, I have been reluctant so far because of these issues. We don’t want to have any more kids, I have 2 kids also one is grown up and the other I have every other weekend (hence why needed a 4 bed).
Also, I said at the moment I earn a lot more money than she does, at the moment I’m contracting and so I’m not bothered about paying nearly everything, I’m more thinking of when we get the house next year I will have a permanent position at that time which will mean I will be earning a lot less -but still more than her but that is the bit I want to make sure I can still afford the house-and why we had the chat because if she can give me 500 I worked out I should be able to afford it, whereas 300 I’m going to be sat around skint all the time.
She is nowhere near as selfish as she was at the start of our relationship, however this is due to me kicking off with her and us arguing about it... I kind of feel like as soon as I let my guard down she starts to slip into her default mode of taking the piss (spelt correctly this time).. it’s like if I let her she will wildly take the piss and that’s always in my head as I just would not do that. I also see her being selfish with her kids and dad all the time too... but then I think am I over analyzing this ... god knows I’m so confused... surely it’s never going to be perfect and if your partner is selfish but generally everything else is ok is that not good enough?? Thanks so much for all your points

Living with a BF in his property with zero housing security is very, very high risk for a woman with DC. You have doubts about your relationship, so it’s very unethical and reflects badly on you IMO for you to put her DC in such a vulnerable position.

It’s unfair that she does most (almost all?) of the cleaning: if you can’t do your share effectively and quickly, get a cleaner!

Why don't you combine all your incomes, and split whatever is left after bills, children etc equally. Then that way no one can complain they have more play money than the other. When you moved in together she will have lost a large amount of her benefits for her and her children, and imo, you moving in with her, was agreeing to take on that financial responsibility. If you don't think it was, then your an idiot and you need to leave her now. Tbh I find the way you mention her children as afterthoughts quite distasteful. Also, if she was a single parent of 2 children on 15k a year and top up benefits with her own house to run, its not that hard to imagine she was genuinely skint all the time. You don't seem to understand the cost of raising children.

After many years, and living together and you becoming a step parent to her DC, she wants marriage: you don’t want to share your financial assets - and to be fair sounds like you have been honest about this.

You say if you told your family and friends your concerns they might think badly of her. They may well think badly of YOU too, for living with her DC when you have such doubts and are not committed.

Also having to point out op says gf only works part time, but seems she works 4 days a week and does all/most of the housework. On far less pay than the op but expected to foot half the bills. How much do you contribute towards the children op? Anything, or is that solely your gf expense? Actually feel sorry for the gf.

Jeepers OP ... do not get married 🌺

She isn’t expected to foot half the bills. At the moment (in current rental property) the bills amount to around 1k a month (rent:625, council:110, gasAndElec:100, water:35, internet: 35, tv licence: 15). She gives me 300 of which around 140 is for her car (this goes out of my account as she has bad credit) so she’s giving me 160 less than 20% of house running costs. This is ignoring food (which she pays for) and going out, alcohol and takeaways (which I pay for and is a lot more than food costs). I pay for kids in terms of things like takeaways going out and petrol etc, she pays for their clothes etc (but this is mirrored with my kids but she doesn’t pay for takeaways for them etc)

it's a raw deal for you OP, marriage simply legalises your raw deal. 🌺