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Original poster

Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

270 replies

BlingersMcBling · 20/10/2020 08:08

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 22/10/2020 07:57

It's hadnt got the depth to survive you owning property and you doing right by her

I forgot that bit

doubleaces89 · 22/10/2020 08:03

So much man hating on this thread!!
In the current situation, they have a similar amount of free money, however if they were to move OP would be significantly worse off (higher mortgage and bills), leaving him with virtually no free money.

So it's totally fair to then as DP to share £200 if her free money with him.

doubleaces89 · 22/10/2020 08:07

One thing that does confuse me is how your income will be the same contracting and in a permanent position. Surely the former should be more lucrative?

Personally I don't think you can afford to move with the figures you provided.

Doesn't you DP also get child benefit?

Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 22/10/2020 08:08

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Yes of course they were. And the children were jointly theirs It's not the same situation as in the OP at all.

In marriage you promise in sickness (mental health is in sickness) and in health and sign a legal contract. I dont think anyone's suggesting you marry her.

Two of the reasons id never marry again, I have assets and I know id walk if i had to.

But OP your figures are still waaaaaay out. You can't feed four people for a month £240 without lots of mumsnet chicken. And £200 on a night out is optional.

Have you both gone through your bank accounts and both write down what you spend on everything in a month? I think you might find it illuminating

She uses her child benefit of 34 and tops it up by 20 a week to 54, it’s not much and just gets the basics and I top it up if needed.
OP posts:
HerNameWasEliza · 22/10/2020 08:09

Really helpful to see the figures OP. I am surprised that she manages to feed 4, sometimes 5 people on 240 a month - less than £60 a week. I'm also surprised she manages on 25 a month for clothes. That is £300 a year for 3 people. Kids shoes can easily cost £30 even if cheap and given that they're growing they can need 4 pairs (inc trainers etc) a year. That alone for 2 kids would be £240 a year. I think she is probably spending more than you think

I don't think your figures can be right. You already have more left than her even with spending such a great deal on entertainment and with choosing to buy a flasher car.

You will get a million different opinions as to how you should divide up the household 'fun money'. At the moment you are already getting a lot more then her (your car is basically fun money at that price). Is that reasonable or not? Some would say yes, some would say no.

Your GF probably has around £400 left really after she's bought the actual grocery costs and paid for actual clothing costs for her kids.

You want her to spend £200 more on the house, so she'd have £200 left and you'd have £638 (even excluding the car, £200 of which you could argue is also ''fun money").

I earn twice what my OH earns (take home). We have the same fun money each. I think that's a partnership though not everyone is happy to share like that. I think you and GF need to communicate better. She should know that you think it's 'fair' for you to have £600 ish more disposable income than her a month and then together you can make decisions about your future and financial future with your eyes open.

What seems to be a real issue is that your GF does not work full time and you really resent that. To address this I'd suggest you need to, immediately, take on 50% of the responsibility for shopping and cleaning. She may feel more able to work more if she is not doing this work all by herself. You guys need to communicate more so do discuss this idea with her and then actually write down the household tasks (not childcare for her kids) that she does and take it from there. It's not unusual for the parent of children, if they're also doing the lion share of household management, to feel unable to work full time especially if clearly the household budget is not being overstretched (which is it not as a whole).

BlueThistles · 22/10/2020 08:18

OP is you are happy to continue to pay for her lifestyle for years after you potentially could split and hand over half of everything you've paid for and own... then crack on 🎉

NotFrozen · 22/10/2020 08:26

I may sound old fashioned, but I think you should decide if you want to be with her forever and be a step father to her children. If you do, then get married, pool resources and have a family budget where you work as a team to build your future together. Otherwise it sounds like a recipe for unhappiness.

SparklingLime · 22/10/2020 08:33

“I feel for you, that is so wrong and I hear about this all the time, though normally it is the man that is left in your position. Were you married?“

As you write more, you’re increasingly coming across as chauvinistic. Are you aware of the many, many mums scraping to provide for their kids as the dads refuse to pay anything?

As others say, I doubt your figured represent you he girlfriend’s real financial position.

SparklingLime · 22/10/2020 08:34

Oh dear, should read:

As others say, I doubt your figures represent your girlfriend’s real financial position.

Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 22/10/2020 08:38

@HerNameWasEliza

Really helpful to see the figures OP. I am surprised that she manages to feed 4, sometimes 5 people on 240 a month - less than £60 a week. I'm also surprised she manages on 25 a month for clothes. That is £300 a year for 3 people. Kids shoes can easily cost £30 even if cheap and given that they're growing they can need 4 pairs (inc trainers etc) a year. That alone for 2 kids would be £240 a year. I think she is probably spending more than you think

I don't think your figures can be right. You already have more left than her even with spending such a great deal on entertainment and with choosing to buy a flasher car.

You will get a million different opinions as to how you should divide up the household 'fun money'. At the moment you are already getting a lot more then her (your car is basically fun money at that price). Is that reasonable or not? Some would say yes, some would say no.

Your GF probably has around £400 left really after she's bought the actual grocery costs and paid for actual clothing costs for her kids.

You want her to spend £200 more on the house, so she'd have £200 left and you'd have £638 (even excluding the car, £200 of which you could argue is also ''fun money").

I earn twice what my OH earns (take home). We have the same fun money each. I think that's a partnership though not everyone is happy to share like that. I think you and GF need to communicate better. She should know that you think it's 'fair' for you to have £600 ish more disposable income than her a month and then together you can make decisions about your future and financial future with your eyes open.

What seems to be a real issue is that your GF does not work full time and you really resent that. To address this I'd suggest you need to, immediately, take on 50% of the responsibility for shopping and cleaning. She may feel more able to work more if she is not doing this work all by herself. You guys need to communicate more so do discuss this idea with her and then actually write down the household tasks (not childcare for her kids) that she does and take it from there. It's not unusual for the parent of children, if they're also doing the lion share of household management, to feel unable to work full time especially if clearly the household budget is not being overstretched (which is it not as a whole).

She probably does spend more on clothes to be fair but then you notice that I didn’t put anything on clothes for me and my kids... some things are harder to quantify because you don’t spend a set amount per month and I guess this kind of thing would come out of the money left. You mention that she would be left with a lot less money than me if she gave the 200 extra but you are forgetting that the new house bills also go up by at least 600 so I would be paying the majority of the extra anyway. But tbh this thread has helped me realise that it would be a bad idea to buy a house in these circumstances so I’m most likely going to leave it now.
OP posts:
Redcups64 · 22/10/2020 08:38

She’s taking you for a ride. Find someone who treats you better.

Holyrivolli · 22/10/2020 08:40

She does sound like she expects you to pick up the financial burden of her and her kids. As a low earner she can’t fund the life that she wants and is therefore wanting you to pick up the slack. It’s not uncommon as many previous posters on this thread have the same expectation. As a divorced mum who has always fully supported my own kids it’s not an attitude I share but many women expect to freeload off men.

You’re under no obligation to but you need to make the choice and not drift into things then regret it. And whatever you do, don’t marry her if you have any doubts or you’ll end up seriously out of pocket.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 22/10/2020 08:55

Don't leave buying property!!! Buying property is never a bad idea!!!

PaterPower · 22/10/2020 09:02

”so I’m most likely going to leave it now.“

The responses from PP have broadly split between “YABU” and “she’s taking the piss / pi55 / p#ss”

But the majority them are boiling down to “you shouldn’t be buying this house with her” and I agree with them.

You’ve made the right decision now, IMO.

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2020 09:07

I think the bottom line, whatever people think of her character or yours, is that you're not wrong to think twice about moving in with her, because she has made it clear she has no intention of contributing more or working more, and you know you would struggle on the amount you would have to put in as a result.

Have you thought about buying somewhere smaller for yourself?

Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 22/10/2020 09:31

@aSofaNearYou

I think the bottom line, whatever people think of her character or yours, is that you're not wrong to think twice about moving in with her, because she has made it clear she has no intention of contributing more or working more, and you know you would struggle on the amount you would have to put in as a result.

Have you thought about buying somewhere smaller for yourself?

Thanks and yes I have but I do love her and we have a lot of good qualities together. I worry that if I did split up with her and get my own place I’d regret it and maybe only at that point realise what I had. I’m in my 40s and have had a lot of LTRs so know it’s never going to be perfect. At the same time I do want to buy a house not least because it’s some security and investment for when I or we retire, but it is a massive risk as I feel like if it was to all go tits up she would absolutely fleece me and wouldn’t even feel a single bit of guilt about doing so. Maybe I just need to carry on renting for now and work out if it’s going to work out or not. Thanks for all your help.
OP posts:
tatasa · 22/10/2020 09:46

I can't understand why you are even questioning this, when you could see early on in the relationship she was fleecing you. A reverse maybe?

gingerwhinger0 · 22/10/2020 10:23

@tatasa

I can't understand why you are even questioning this, when you could see early on in the relationship she was fleecing you. A reverse maybe?
Would they be giving the benefit of the doubt, if the genders were. Reversed.
holrosea · 22/10/2020 10:35

Apologies if PP has already suggested this, but what would happen if you bought a 2/3 bed house for you, with space for your son, and she lived separately with her kids?

I am fully aware that suggesting living separately is NOT the done thing after having moved in together, especially with kids involved, and I imagine that if someone pput that proposition to me I'd be less than thrilled... BUT

If money is causing so much resentment but other aspects of your relationship are good, is living apart within each partner's means such a terrible idea? And is it truly impossible? (It shouldn't be).

What do you think the financial reaction/reality would be if you just bought something for you? Can she afford to rent something for her and her children? Would she get more financial support living as a single parent? She might have to go back to working 5 days a week but I think 80+% of this board would say "tough tits" to that. Would you feel more assured in your long term future having a house in your name and separating the finances from your meotional life?

Also, I think takeaways are a red herring. The point is that you seem to be paying the lion's share of living expenses, facilitating a comfortable home with little sense of proporitional contribution, and taking everyone out to dinner on top of it all... Yes you are in your 40s, yes you'd like to be "settled", but is it worth it for thi ongoing level of anxiety and potential financial fall out? There are PLENTY of 35-50 year old women who are financially independant who'd not come with this level of drama.

holrosea · 22/10/2020 10:36

*emotional life - forgive typos

Hazelnutlatteplease · 22/10/2020 12:52

Sorry can i just point out

To all those who are objecting to the OP having to taking on any fiscal responsibility for his "step"kids....

Have you missed that when calculating the amount left over after bills the OP includes £300 in child support in his bills.

So clothes for his partner and her children have to come out if her "fun" money but child support for his child comes out of household bills.

The OP is quite happy for his partner to help fund his child (who doesn't even live with him) but not hers. Who do and after 5 years you'd have thought the OP ought to be somewhat fond of by now....

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2020 12:58

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone that grabby, entitled and stingy

Original poster
BlingersMcBling · 22/10/2020 13:26

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Sorry can i just point out

To all those who are objecting to the OP having to taking on any fiscal responsibility for his "step"kids....

Have you missed that when calculating the amount left over after bills the OP includes £300 in child support in his bills.

So clothes for his partner and her children have to come out if her "fun" money but child support for his child comes out of household bills.

The OP is quite happy for his partner to help fund his child (who doesn't even live with him) but not hers. Who do and after 5 years you'd have thought the OP ought to be somewhat fond of by now....

The 300 is what I give to his mum, clothes and food and everything else I get for him comes out of my fun money and my partner doesn’t fund my child at all where do you get that from? I pay for his food generally, ok he might have bits and pieces from the shopping she buys but I fund her kids a heck of a lot more than she funds mine if you’re asking, but I’m not bothered about that.
OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 22/10/2020 13:27

To put it bluntly. the OP actually has nearly double the "pocket money" his partner has. And is complaining she is selfish.....

And actually that's when his income goes down in November

That's assuming the figures are even correct

nosswith · 22/10/2020 13:31

You seem incompatible.

Please learn paragraphs as well.