Is my girlfriend selfish or is it me?

[BlingersMcBling]

Ok I’ll try and keep it brief.. I’ve been with gf around 5 years. When we first got together we went out all the time and I paid for everything, this didn’t bother me initially but after around 6 months it started to annoy me how she would never even offer to buy even one round, it was like an expectation. It got to the point where once on our way for drinks in a taxi I had to actually ask her if she was taking any money out and we stopped at a cash machine and she did but she didn’t seem happy about it. Anyway as time went on I got more and more frustrated and we argued a lot and things got a margin better. But lots of stuff went on, she left jobs so I bailed her out, her car broke so I paid to repair it... tons of stuff. I’m generally pretty generous and so this wouldn’t normally bother me but I ended up getting in a bit of debt and we moved house and I was really struggling and she had more disposable income than me but it was a real struggle getting her to pay for anything, now the tables were turned and it really pi55ed me off because of the amount of times I’d helped her out and now she was reluctant to help me out-even though the reason I was in loads of debt was paying for her when she was in a mess etc... anyway fast forward a few years and thing got slightly better as I’d started to stand up for myself and we had many arguments but long story short our house costs were around 1200 a month so we split it 600 each. Then she loses her job, gets another part time job so I let her pay 400 and I pay rest as I earn more money.. she complains she never has any money so I drop it to 300... now the issue... I now want to buy a house (was only renting before) I’ve seen a house we like and it will only be in my name as her credit is bad. It’s 300k and the house running costs will be around 2000 a month. I said I want her to up her payments to 500 but she is complaining about this saying it won’t leave her with much money. It will leave her with a few hundred a month but this is because she doesn’t want to work full time (she works 4 days a week) The problem is I now do earn a lot more money than her, and she keeps bringing this up saying why should she be left skint but I just can’t see it being that bad having to only pay 500 towards the house. The mortgage is 1100, council tax 200, other bills 500... plus she has 2 kids which is the reason I needed to get a big expensive 4 bed anyway! But maybe she is right and I do earn a lot more money than her and tbh normally it wouldn’t bother me BUT I don’t want to feel like a mug because of what’s happened in the past. Does she have a point and is it me being selfish? Is it wrong of me to expect her to work more to contribute towards a house that is ultimately not in her name? Sorry for long one I just felt like I needed to set the scene and thanks.

I think the food shop has got to be more. And you spending £200 on a night out for the two of you is ridiculous

Total Household income £3700
Bills
Rent: 625
Council tax: 110
Gas and electric: 100
Water: 35
Internet: 35
Netflix: 9
Tv licence: 14
Her car: 89
Her car insurance: 45
My car: 350
My car insurance: 40
Petrol: 100
Phone: 10
School clubs: 75
Food shopping: 400 (£240 is not realistic)
Petrol: 60
Phone: 10
(Not included clothing or alcohol and takeaway and those are discretionary spending)
Total bills: £1912
Leftover: 1788
Remainer Split 50/50= £894

Including child support of £300 as a household bill.
Total bills=£2212
Reminder £1488
Split 50/50=£744

If your calculating her "fun" money as less then you certainly aren't splitting the "spoils" of the relationship 50/50. And a proportion of her "loot" is going towards supporting your child.

Splitting bills 50/50 isn't always the full story.

Also your gross and take home dont tally unless you are paying a sizeable chunk into a pension. Have you included your partners pension costs into your calculation?

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Also your gross and take home dont tally unless you are paying a sizeable chunk into a pension. Have you included your partners pension costs into your calculation?

It's both our take home pay, minus our pensions and tax and ni.

How is she funding my child? I pay for food for my child mainly, he may have the odd bits of the shopping now and again but it will account to nothing compared to what I fund for her kids if that's the angle you are taking.

So would it be acceptable for me to decide to work 4 days a week and then split the difference between us so she effectively pays for me not to work that day?

If she is doing all the shopping and cooking and cleaning then that is at least a full day's work. Plus looking after the kids. She isn't on a big income. She will have lost benefits because of living with you. She has a lot of outgoings and she is working more than full time when you take into account all that she does at home.

I think you should go your separate ways. You seem resentful about money. She's waiting for marriage which you have no intention of doing.

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Total Household income £3700 Bills Rent: 625 Council tax: 110 Gas and electric: 100 Water: 35 Internet: 35 Netflix: 9 Tv licence: 14 Her car: 89 Her car insurance: 45 My car: 350 My car insurance: 40 Petrol: 100 Phone: 10 School clubs: 75 Food shopping: 400 (£240 is not realistic) Petrol: 60 Phone: 10 (Not included clothing or alcohol and takeaway and those are discretionary spending) Total bills: £1912 Leftover: 1788 Remainer Split 50/50= £894

Including child support of £300 as a household bill.
Total bills=£2212
Reminder £1488
Split 50/50=£744

If your calculating her "fun" money as less then you certainly aren't splitting the "spoils" of the relationship 50/50. And a proportion of her "loot" is going towards supporting your child.

Splitting bills 50/50 isn't always the full story.

I'm with you all the way here - except that the OP's car need to be in the fun money. £350 a month is more than necessary so lets say £200 is in excess of the necessary for a car and therefore counts as a spend of the 'fun' pot. That means the remainder is actually 1688 and split 50/50 is £844.

So would it be acceptable for me to decide to work 4 days a week and then split the difference between us so she effectively pays for me not to work that day?

Would you take on all the shopping and cleaning instead of her then?

You two have loads of excess cash. Is the actually issue that you want to work less? If so, why not explore that? You might need to find a way to have cheaper nights out but I think most people would enjoy a night out with £30 so it is all doable if you want it to be.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. He has said his GF currently shops and does the lions share of the cleaning because she is working 4 days (fair enough). Who has suggested that he would expect her to manage the shopping and cleaning if she worked 5 days like most mums?

He has clearly worked hard to establish a career and wants some stability for his future. Why shouldn’t he be entitled to pay maintenance for his child and have a nice car, if he wants? Equally, why should his GF expect to work 4 days and out of pay of £1200, end up with fun money of £700-£800 as suggested above? This would put her costs at virtually nothing to live quite frankly, a very nice lifestyle!

If she wants extra cash, she should be encouraged to go through the CSA for support from children’s fathers. The OP is putting a roof over their head and giving them a nice life by supporting their mum but their own fathers have got away scot free as a result.

If they split, she would either have to chase up maintenance payments, work more to earn extra or live within her means. Everyone commenting on all this extra she’s doing with chores and childcare - OP has already said he helps her out by doing school runs! He’s doing his fair share to help her and she’s taking the mick!

I've redone your GF budget to try and help:

Comes out of her account:
Money towards house: 300
School clubs: 75
Food shopping: 350 (assuming you pay around £50 in tops ups from what you say - really she is not doing it all for what you say)
Petrol: 60
Phone: 10
Clothes and shoes - 75
Car repairs, MOT etc - 60
Haircuts for three people - 20
Presents (spread cost through year) - 40
School trips - 20
Health costs (dentist and prescriptions just for her as kids free) - 10
Party for kids once a year each (spread cost through the year) - 20
Night out with friends once a month - 25
Pocket money for kids - 15
Parking costs - 5

Total £1085
Leaves her with £165.

So if you want her to contribute another £200, what do you want her to give up? Some of these costs are of course discretionary but they are also things which might be expected for a reasonable standard of living.

You've not said where you think she's wasting money. Do you? Or is it just the 'she should work 5 days a week' issue?

Loads of working mums chose not to btw given all the other work we do. If that's the sticking point, I go back to my suggestion to make sure you take on 50% of tasks (including the mental work) as then she may feel able to work more.

Total: 710
Left: 537

Don't buy a house with this lazy tight arse OP. 🌺

Surely you get the luxury of working part time if you’re still with the father of your children or you’ve perhaps had more kids together. To just assume it’s ok for a new partner to pick up the tabs for your children and the lifestyle you want but can’t afford is wrong.

It’s ok quoting all the other things she will need to afford, but equally, there will be lots of bills that the OP also has to pay for, that he doesn’t account for in his budget. Surely you have what you can afford and if £165 a month isn’t sufficient, you get a full-time job to help support the children you created or you force their own fathers to contribute.

The OP is doing the school run to help her, he had assisted her in getting a car that she otherwise wouldn’t have managed, he is helping to keep a roof over their head and has cleared debts for her - all things that she hasn’t reciprocated when she’s had the chance! What kind of lesson does this give her children, that their fathers can contribute nothing and their mother can bring home a small amount, yet get involved with another fella that can support them. I would hate to be that partner or mum.

Pay the mortgage yourself so she has no claim on the house.

Pay half the bills each. This will be very kind of you because of course she has three people verses just you

She's a spoilt brat. Live separately then she will have to sort herself out and there won't be an issue to be had with money, and ffs DONT MARRY HER.

HetNameWasEliza:
Add the child benefit for her two kids to her income.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

HetNameWasEliza: Add the child benefit for her two kids to her income.

It's already included in those figures

Fair play to you I stopped reading after you had been paying for her and her kids for 5 years and for her car and insurance and she works part time, I would of done a runner after the first few weeks if she had not paid for a single thing on a date, if your happy then stay, but the situation you are currently in is not normal for a couple. I appreciate you are in your 40s now, but there are better women than this out there where you treat each other fairly. You would be alot better off financially if you lived apart, she could then claim benefits for housing, council tax, child tax credits e.t.c at the moment you are effectively paying for her to live with you.

You say you're on a contract. What is your wage from that and how long were you on the contract?

Thanks and yes I have but I do love her and we have a lot of good qualities together. I worry that if I did split up with her and get my own place I’d regret it and maybe only at that point realise what I had.

I think it is the exact other way around!! She has been taking the piss, she is a chancer, a deadbeat, in debt and is financially irresponsible. Where would she be if you hadn't financed her and her DCs accommodation and lifestyle? I don't see how she could have any redeeming qualities, she sounds like a worthless bit of shit (sorry but she does). If you split up, she'd have to finance her accommodation and life herself, and at that point, she would realise what she had, and lost because she treated you so badly.

She's treating you like a mug. And you are still with her. Why? Of course she wants you to marry her, she will then be joint owner of everything and she can continue living the life of riley (whoever riley is, lol) while having 50% claim on your money, assets, and pension.

Run. DO NOT WALK. Run away from her NOW. Do not marry or even remain involved with someone who has so much baggage; baby dadS? that contribute nothing (no wonder she has latched her hooks into you and sees you as her meal and life ticket), debt, is selfish, irresponsible, was selfish even at the outset and you continued to see her rather than see the red flags and run the opposite direction, etc etc. She really is just a worthless bit of crap and you can do so much better. If you stay with her, she will just drag you down and eventually put you in debt, if you marry, she will have a claim to your house. Wake up!!! Get out of the relationship now. How can you be attracted to someone who is so lazy, selfish, with no work ethic, etc? She'd have to be good in bed because her personality is toxic. I know that I have to actually like the person I am with, and I don't see what is likeable about her. Your relationship has more red flags than a fuqking Communist party march, pay attention and get rid of her and find yourself and equitable and sharing and mutually rewarding relationship.

Please, please, please run away now! My good friend (bloke) was at my house the other day, now divorcing his wife with the carbon copy of what you are writing now even with the amount of children!! He went ahead with buying the house with her knowing how bad she was with money, not wanting to work full time and him paying for her kids. One of the sons grew up, left home and got into really bad debt and he ended up re mortgaging the house to pay his step kid off out of debt as his wife couldn't be bothered to get a full time job! Are you listening....the writing is on the wall. Do not, I repeat, do not buy a house or marry this lady. You will end up like my friend. I am shocked at how your stories match.